(no subject)
Been meaning to post but keep not getting around to it. I went on my Chicago/Tennesse trip to visit my Mom/Dad for the first time since he moved there. They are old AF. Specically my Mom. Seeing ones parents get old is a very disturbing process. That that would be me at some point just sounds disatrous. And then whats happening to mom IS disaterous! She is now 91 pounds and so frail, walking is a difficult endevour. Its fucked up. In 4 months she went from "I can see her living in her own home with help" to "JFC she needs to be in a home" I'm not happy with this timeline. I'm not ready for her death, her after death crap,, and everything that leads up to that =to stave off death. Its a self absorbed feeling to be sure. That I'm not ready. Too bad for me, she needs help right now, every second... and I'm just whining about how existentianaly it bothers me. I'm too selfish to move home, which is what she actually needs. I think she would quickly begin to resent me if I did move home.... and then I'd resent her for resenting me after I changed my life to help her. We've never "lived well" together. A week at home is the perfect amount for everyone to be happy. Thats part of my reluctance. Altho thats not all. I just dont want to do it. I'm not a good daughter. It makes me feel like a real asshole............ whats more this will be the guilt I have when she does die. That I didnt do everything I could. I'm hoping to go home in November maybe????? I thought perhaps 2 weeks home might make a difference to try and figure it out better. I have to do a few homeworks related to helping her, this week and I'm just trying to begin today. Doesnt help that my own life is so off track. Strill no RM, still no jobs, still no BF, and my BFF P is very certinaly slipping away from me. The only thing I could look fwd to enjoying time with & escaping my troubles. This Dec it will be 5 years sicne we broke up. Neither of us has moved on with others (sex or more). He has been more and more vocal about his feelings about making that leap, and how hanging out with me at the club, greatly dimenishes that possible future endevour I can't dissagree with his feelings. We've been celiibate for all that time. I get it. And yet when a new person comes along... the drama that will ensue between us will also come along. Not just because someone feelings will get hurt, but our friendship relationhsip structure will radically change and it could even be the end of it. I just have a fear of that happening. I miss even the close friendship we used to have a year or two ago before he made the decsion I am unfuckable. To him = unfuckable means = no more innocent flirting or connection. Lets KILL ANY OF THAT CONNECTION BY GOD, SNUFF IT OUT. KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS YOU. He still has resentment about the breakup. Failing of course, to see any valid part of why I'd want to break up. Or to even hear my side even now. He's not interested in understanding what my problem was that broke us up that day. And it had nothing to do with Robeaggeddon. I think my resentment is just the same as it always has been from day one... I didn't really matter much to him. If he knew thats how I felt, he would know why we broke up. I wonder how in the world he could not know, but I never think I tried to say those exact words. Anyway. Just reflecting right now... as my world seems to be puliing the carpet from under me at a RAPID pace. And is he emotionally there for me? No, not really. Hes of course, more concerened about himself and his own problems. But as he would say, hes not my BF so why would he have to be. And if he WAS my BF, he still wouldn't be. I blatently asked last night if he ever had a thought about getting back together, I wanted to ask that a couple years ago, and then a year ago, and didnt. His answer was.... Defeintly not, that we couldn't anymore anyway. I'm like... we're not dead. But I have not really made an effort to get back together becasue there was a reason I broke up w him, and that reason is still valid. I still do not really matter, I never have, and that will never change. Logically speaking................ it makes no sense to continue to throw loads of love and attention and longing towards a guy who was never that into me, and never can be. Just "thinking" out loud. Writing this helps me to process it more clearly.