sunburnt soul
When I was six, I used to read an encyclopaedia the was children read their illustrated books - I was curious and I wanted to entertain myself. I lost a lot of that interest in the outside world since then. I feel impatient when I know I need to absorb and process data. No matter how much I read and ponder, I end up thinking: "So fucking what? So what that the Surrealists practiced automatic writing and gathered in cafés; that their relationship with the French Communist Party ended because they demanded that only the transformation of the minds can change the social conditions. So what that English dialects are actually closer to the Middle English than RP?" Nothing, no amount of knowledge or reflections upon this knowledge will change anything. I will still be who I am and I will constantly try to anihilate myself. I don't care if I'm selfish, because I simply don't believe that the people who 'care' about others so much don't have a selfish motivation to do so. Just because you're a doctor who goes to a third world country, it doesn't mean you're actually not doing it to escape from your family or problems or simply to fill your CV with 'useful' data. Yes, I am that cynical. It hurts sometimes, but it's an irreversible process. Once you've gained the ability to see through people, you can't exactly go back to seeing the world in pink and candyfloss. And I didn't ask for all this! I'd rather 'see good in people' and believe in them, but I can't! All this shit with my family made me become a very negative person. I spent years in therapy, trying both to understand this process and to reverse it but at 22 I am almost certain that it's all too deeply ingrained to ever change.
It all really affects my life. I can't see the point in doing things and I get depressed and negative about putting any effort into any area of my life. And I end up living with the consequences of my elusive lifestyle, such as few friends or emotional dependency
There, I feel gret now. Bitching on-line is fantastically relieving.
It all really affects my life. I can't see the point in doing things and I get depressed and negative about putting any effort into any area of my life. And I end up living with the consequences of my elusive lifestyle, such as few friends or emotional dependency
There, I feel gret now. Bitching on-line is fantastically relieving.