Que sera, sera
Paul's lack of initiation of contact via MySpace or any other bothered me a bit at first, but only because he is the first one I have opened up to emotionally since the whole Eugene downward spiral of a relationship. Only thing is, he isn't aware that I am interested in him as more than a friend and I am not even sure he is interested in me as more than a friend, so why should I expect or even hope for him to go out of his way to contact me? Exactly, I shouldn't. What I know from this point is I am sick as hell, in love with the song on my myspace page, and I really like Paul and I would date him in a heartbeat. Not only that, I would do anything for him without question because he is amazing and has already done so much for me. But, I also know that I have grown past the whole neediness era. I really like him and if it works out that he feels the same and we could deepen our connection and grow together as one, fantastic. If not, I still really like him and would adore him just as much as a friend. I may see him and his roommate this upcoming Saturday at a friend's birthday shindig, and I may just have to wait till the 25th. In any case, I'll be glad to see him, but I wont be lacking anything without him. At times, I need to reaffirm that I am complete without anyone else there to reassure me of it. So, I leave it in his more than capable hands. If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I am done initiating relationships. I know what I am and what I can offer. I know that that is more than many people have to give, be they man or woman. I know that I am rare and I know that I am special. This isn't arrogance or boast, this is me finally getting to a point where I don't hate or belittle myself. So, I will just live the best I can and if someone is interested in sharing their life with me and I feel that their life is healthy and worth sharing and partaking in, beautiful. But, there is really no need for me to work myself up over something that I don't know enough of the other person's perspective to even make a move on. He is great and I adore him and perhaps he knows this, perhaps he even feels the same... perhaps not. So, I leave on this note "Que sera, sera" (What will be, will be)
(side note: I am reeeeeally sick, so if this is completely incoherent, you have my sincerest apologies, but I simply haven't the energy to rearrange it into more cohesive and fluid thought processes... Best of luck deciphering it.)
My love to you all
(Especially you, Janae. I am so happy for you. Sorry that your dad's lady is a burden, but happy that you are finally happy and have something (someone) to inspire you and lift you up. You have no idea how much I wished for this, and wished that perhaps I could be the one to help you and pull you through things, but knew I was nearly powerless from so far away. I love you and love hearing (reading) about your happiness)
~Sian
(side note: I am reeeeeally sick, so if this is completely incoherent, you have my sincerest apologies, but I simply haven't the energy to rearrange it into more cohesive and fluid thought processes... Best of luck deciphering it.)
My love to you all
(Especially you, Janae. I am so happy for you. Sorry that your dad's lady is a burden, but happy that you are finally happy and have something (someone) to inspire you and lift you up. You have no idea how much I wished for this, and wished that perhaps I could be the one to help you and pull you through things, but knew I was nearly powerless from so far away. I love you and love hearing (reading) about your happiness)
~Sian