(no subject)
I couldn't sleep last night. I watched T.V., but I realized that all the shows on there are totally bogus. Reality isn't reality, comedies are actually quite stupid, and cartoons are just annoying. At 2:00 in the morning, my dad came done and told me to go to my room. I went to my room, but I still didn't get to sleep until around 3:00. This morning my dad woke me up by shaking me and opening my window, which faces the east, so the sun was right in my face. It was only 8:00, so I went into my parent's room where it was nice and dark, and I just laid in there, thinking. Thinking is horrible. If I ever rule the world, no one will think freely anymore. As always when I'm deep in thought, I started scratching things. My fingers found the sheets and I practically clawed at them before I even knew what I was doing. When I left the little world in my head, I felt the pain in my hand and thought that I was bleeding. I haven't eaten anything yet, and I'm not hungry, and it's 11:30, but it doesn't matter. My dad took me on a motorcycle ride, which got my mind off things for a while. He took me to our friends' house so he could fix their lights on their trailer. I played with their kids (whom I frequently babysit, so I knew them quite well), well, just mainly the oldest one. Together we played with their rabbit, Kermit, watched their 2-day-old kittens, played in a sand box with her baby sister, and jumped on the trampoline. It surprises me now that I didn't really think about anything then, too, and actually made a realization that children are truly innocent. I always told myself that I wanted to have lots of kids when I am married, but now I don't. The world is a disgusting place and I wouldn't want the burden of forcing them to grow up in it. By the way, sorry about my last entry. That was more out of anger than anything, but I think I'll get over it. It's kind of ironic that I always try to discourage cutting, anorexia, bulimia, and suicidal thoughts, but this morning I thought of all the ways that I could accomplish suicide, where and when I could cut myself without anyone noticing, and become anorexic. I'm pretty sure I'm over that now, so please don't question me about it. Hmph. My mother is in a really horrid mood and keeps trying to make me feel sorry for her, but I don't, so it doesn't really matter. I'll clean later. Dang it! People just hung up on my mom (PayPal creeps), and now she's ultra-mad at everyone. And guess who's home alone with her? Right. I'm going to a church thing tonight, so don't bother talking to me. Maybe I can get into the shower before my mother makes me clean. That would be nice.