(no subject)
Success. I have finished my job application. With, granted, much help from my mother and sister.
Either way, I have the questions answered, the references given and it's in an envelope to be handed in tomorrow.
I think I should be feeling happier about today than I actually am. And yet my current state of mind is rather...blank. I am quite probably focussing upon the negative things; that it took me so long to complete the application, and that I seemed to be filling it in whilst telling myself I knew it was the 'right' thing to do, that I genuinely do want the job...but I wasn't feeling that I wanted it.
I shouldn't be so concerned about such things at the moment. I can't really trust what I think or feel, as I have many things getting in the way of me thinking straight. Unfulfilled obligations, lies, and a lack of direction. I get the sense that I should be able to easily get out of bad habits - certainly it feels that way when anyone else presents the situation to me - but I am still finding it difficult. As though there is some indefinable...presence stopping me from thinking or acting. More than guilt and shame, that is. But it is more likely that those two things are merely causing my mind to invent something more abstract as I am wont to do in times of stress and frustration. Yes, it is an explanation.
My sisters are upstairs now, joking about something, perhaps talking to the dog (in our house, talking to our Labrador is a common occurrence. Obviously it is something of a one-sided conversation....). I don't see how my sisters find it so easy to talk to one another, or at least appear to do so. I can talk and joke with them so long as I don't think about it too much. The moment I think too hard about what I'm saying or how I'm acting in front of them, I become too self-conscious to continue to do either.
Just now I reverted to skimming through my still absurdly long collection of bookmarks. Feeling 'left out' around my family is normal for me. It could hardly have gone any other way considering the current situation, and the length of time I lived away from home while I was at college. There the freedom of 'independence' was greatly liberating. Now I am reminded how much I might have missed out on. How much I have yet to regain in my relationship with my family. My mother tells me that if I cannot communicate well with her or others in the family, how am I to communicate with strangers, with other people? As per usual, she has a point.
Either way, I have the questions answered, the references given and it's in an envelope to be handed in tomorrow.
I think I should be feeling happier about today than I actually am. And yet my current state of mind is rather...blank. I am quite probably focussing upon the negative things; that it took me so long to complete the application, and that I seemed to be filling it in whilst telling myself I knew it was the 'right' thing to do, that I genuinely do want the job...but I wasn't feeling that I wanted it.
I shouldn't be so concerned about such things at the moment. I can't really trust what I think or feel, as I have many things getting in the way of me thinking straight. Unfulfilled obligations, lies, and a lack of direction. I get the sense that I should be able to easily get out of bad habits - certainly it feels that way when anyone else presents the situation to me - but I am still finding it difficult. As though there is some indefinable...presence stopping me from thinking or acting. More than guilt and shame, that is. But it is more likely that those two things are merely causing my mind to invent something more abstract as I am wont to do in times of stress and frustration. Yes, it is an explanation.
My sisters are upstairs now, joking about something, perhaps talking to the dog (in our house, talking to our Labrador is a common occurrence. Obviously it is something of a one-sided conversation....). I don't see how my sisters find it so easy to talk to one another, or at least appear to do so. I can talk and joke with them so long as I don't think about it too much. The moment I think too hard about what I'm saying or how I'm acting in front of them, I become too self-conscious to continue to do either.
Just now I reverted to skimming through my still absurdly long collection of bookmarks. Feeling 'left out' around my family is normal for me. It could hardly have gone any other way considering the current situation, and the length of time I lived away from home while I was at college. There the freedom of 'independence' was greatly liberating. Now I am reminded how much I might have missed out on. How much I have yet to regain in my relationship with my family. My mother tells me that if I cannot communicate well with her or others in the family, how am I to communicate with strangers, with other people? As per usual, she has a point.