Why?!?!?!
Here it is Monday afternoon... I had a good weekend. On Friday I had to go running around to find the best possible way to get clean for a drug test for a friend of mine... I guess he isn't smart enough to quit smoking until he finds a job. But anyway.
I got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I am not as excited as I thought I would be. A couple of months ago I would have been jumping up and down and running around to tell everyone. Now I just dont want anyone to know. I got online to look for scholarships, but I found myself typing in the link to livejournal instead... I can't explain why I am not excited for this day or any other day that comes along anymore. All I ever really look forward to is larning something new each and everyday. And I look forward to talking to my friends and my boyfriend. But here i am unable to tell any of them the facts of the day. I am sitting here looking at my acceptance letter wanting to shred it and pretend that I never got it. But i can't do that. In an act of.... I guess protection, my father opened the letter from school. He didnt want me to get it and it say that i didnt make it in. Or maybe he did it to reinsure himself. Maybe he doesnt really believe that i can do this. I guess i should look at it that way b/c now more than anytime today or this week i want to prove him wrong. I dont know...
This past weekend I spent time with my boyfriend.. It was great I always enjoy myself when i am with him. I just worry, i now know that i really am moving 150 miles away from him. I know that it isnt all that far away. i will be closer to him than i will be to any of my family. we arent in love... not yet anyway. what sucks about it is that i am afraid that he will be upset aboput the distance and break things off. Yes it would be a good thing for that to happen now since we arent in love. but i truly believe that i could fall in love with this man. and i think that we would be very happy together. I just hope that he feels the same about me.. if not hey what the hell its not like it hasnt happened before. I know i probably sound like a whiny little baby and i should probably should be very thankful for all the things i do have in my lfe but i just cant find it in me. i know i sound ungreatful, but i really am thankful for all those that are in my life and all the good things that i have in my life. the fact that i can go to school i know is a blessing and others would kill to have the chance. and here i am bitching. but they arent in my position. if i go i cant fail. if i fail i will be an outcast in the family and i will probably be ridiculed by my entire family, hell half it already has started to ridicule me. i will be a failure to myself as well as to my family.
I got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I am not as excited as I thought I would be. A couple of months ago I would have been jumping up and down and running around to tell everyone. Now I just dont want anyone to know. I got online to look for scholarships, but I found myself typing in the link to livejournal instead... I can't explain why I am not excited for this day or any other day that comes along anymore. All I ever really look forward to is larning something new each and everyday. And I look forward to talking to my friends and my boyfriend. But here i am unable to tell any of them the facts of the day. I am sitting here looking at my acceptance letter wanting to shred it and pretend that I never got it. But i can't do that. In an act of.... I guess protection, my father opened the letter from school. He didnt want me to get it and it say that i didnt make it in. Or maybe he did it to reinsure himself. Maybe he doesnt really believe that i can do this. I guess i should look at it that way b/c now more than anytime today or this week i want to prove him wrong. I dont know...
This past weekend I spent time with my boyfriend.. It was great I always enjoy myself when i am with him. I just worry, i now know that i really am moving 150 miles away from him. I know that it isnt all that far away. i will be closer to him than i will be to any of my family. we arent in love... not yet anyway. what sucks about it is that i am afraid that he will be upset aboput the distance and break things off. Yes it would be a good thing for that to happen now since we arent in love. but i truly believe that i could fall in love with this man. and i think that we would be very happy together. I just hope that he feels the same about me.. if not hey what the hell its not like it hasnt happened before. I know i probably sound like a whiny little baby and i should probably should be very thankful for all the things i do have in my lfe but i just cant find it in me. i know i sound ungreatful, but i really am thankful for all those that are in my life and all the good things that i have in my life. the fact that i can go to school i know is a blessing and others would kill to have the chance. and here i am bitching. but they arent in my position. if i go i cant fail. if i fail i will be an outcast in the family and i will probably be ridiculed by my entire family, hell half it already has started to ridicule me. i will be a failure to myself as well as to my family.