(no subject)

[llkoola225]

I was fairly certain that this would never happen but tonight I actually feel compelled to write in my live journal that Aaron so graciously set up for me. Thanks Aaron! Today was Father's Day, I hardly got to spend anytime with my dad because I was at work all day. When I got home I gave him his present and a dinky little card (granted it was funny but pretty meaningless). As soon as dinner was over I was already on the phone, planning what I was going to do tonight, which leads me to the reason I am suddenly feeling so "compelled." You hear people saying it's just the way kids are and yes I definitely still consider myself a kid, but I feel really...selfish, like everything I do is only worth it if I get some personal benefit from it. I remember reading the newspaper with Charmaine a while back and seeing an article about volunteering to help build a playground in Suwanee. Without even considering it I said something along the lines of "who would want to do that when you don't get paid for it." Meanwhile Charmaine is getting all excited about how fun it would be to do that. I felt like dirt. Even when I am talking to people, I barely let them get a word in because I'm too busy telling countless pointless stories about how I cut my wrist or tripped up the stairs. I remember just a year and a half ago during my senior year of high school when all I wanted to do was help out at Sheltering Arms or make pathways in between the trailers at school. I loved doing that stuff, now I find myself talking about how stupid it is. Maybe I'm just spoiled. I put myself above everyone else (not in an egotistical way, but in a "me and my feelings should be more important than anything else to everyone" kinda way). I want to do something for someone else, something that will make them happy and not expect anything in return. It doesn't even have to be something spectacular. I doubt I am capable of doing anything spectacular for anyone but just something selfless that will cleanse me of this feeling. But then would I be doing it for myself anyway, I am going in circles now and getting more philosophical than I should be, especially at 2:00 in the morning. On a lighter note, I talked to someone today that I really haven't ever gotten to hang out with enough. I'm sure he isn't going to read this but I wish I had gotten to know him better, maybe this is my chance now...
P.S. It's kind of weird posting this online. I feel like if I ever look at this again I will be very embarrassed.