party up
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh
yesterday (and well... today as in this morning, I guess) it was orlando's party. hahaaaaaa ahhh it was good. well it had its good points and its bad points. and was basically just pretty fucked up and crazy but still...
I hope mum doesn't notice the state her dress was it, Jones fucking hot rocked my dress, flicking ash on it ... so there's a little hole... oops. I really hope she doesn't see that.
ha, it was cool, cuz some people like Jess and Jones had to get like a 3 hour train ride and it was only 15 minutes on the train, no changes, from my house. so that was cool.
I have a headache... eeehhh.
everyone was smoking cigarette after cigarette except for me and somers :D we only do the other stuff, heh.
I remember ..er...most of it? although some was kinda a blur. actually it's so weird. there was a point when I realized that I had no idea what I was doing and it was like I was watching myself do stuff... it was fucking trippy... ahaaa.
First we all sat and had a glass of champagne and talked on the sofas and stuff... then we all sat round the dinner table and had this meal, starter, main course, dessert, coffee that lando's parents cooked, it was so good... everyone kept filling up everyone's glasses so throughout the meal everyone was steadily getting tipsier and tipsier, and everyone ended up kissing everyone else anyway... ahhh good times.
and we were all like.. dancing and stuff... and getting more and more drunk, woo, which was when things were kinda becoming a bit blurry, and then someone said for everyone to stop drinking because dave was gonna roll and we weren't about to get sick over mixing shit, so we all kinda stopped there for a bit and went on the water, heh.
...and passed to the left round the dinner table, haha. well there were like 3 going round.. jeeeez. no wonder I was fucked. so that sort of marked the point where I was seriously only having a vague sense of where I was. I guess maybe it was after that, me and dave went out and... well I remember it, I'm guessing he does, so it definitely happened... but I don't know what the hell it meant. guess it didn't really mean anything... didn't really finish because lando came in, haha, and said he didn't think it was a good idea because of his parents. which is kinda ironic, because his parents never noticed me and dave but later, when me and orlando were out the room, his dad yelled for him... ha.
well yeah but it's all fucked. because that's just the what happened side of things. not really the feeling side of things that gets pushed to the side by random drunkeness.
so this morning I was pretty screwed.
the only reason, later, I was with orlando, and jones and all that... well... dave and sophie had been like on top of each other for a while now. my ex and my best friend. not ready for that right now. really, really not ready. even thinking about it's not good. so I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna prove to myself that I don't care... so... yeah. And so, while talking this morning between sobs on the train station platform, I discovered dave took that to mean that it wouldn't matter to me if he and sophie...
yeah. me and jen and jess went to bed in our room at like 3, and orlando, jones and somers went in lando's room at the same time, but sophie and dave stayed practically on top of each other on the couch all night. fucking hell. jess gave me big hugs... she was sober, jen was being crazy drunk girl in the corner, but very entertaining, actually.
but. well. I guess it shouldn't matter but it does.
it hurts too much because all the time I kept glancing over and she was sucking his face off it just made me so sick
I wanted to be there instead of her. because I'm not some one night stand ... slut.
and maybe that's a great story to tell at another drunken party but what the hell's it gonna mean.
not as much as being there for that boy through anything and being his friend and person he could talk to about anything. and actually caring.
her just there on the couch with her legs like wide open wearing my MOM'S dress with him practically on top of her just ... its so fucking rude. and rude that the one thing orlando's parents had insisted on was that we go to bed in seperate rooms and we did. apart from .. certain people.
but I cant be angry because.. she's my friend. and she's staying at my house for like 2 more days.
and I can't be angry at him because I guess..I love him and ... well that's just pretty much fucking me up.
but it was me there with jones and orlando on the sofa at the same.. fucking.. time.. god I shouldn't have drunk so much. my trying to convince myself that I could be just like the rest of them all and not care, and get over it, and get with guys meaninglessly just ... didn't work at all. I'm just not like that I guess. all I succeeded in doing was sending the wrong signals which resulted in a pile of shite. eerggh.
I hate writing stuff like this really, because it all sounds so gay and trivial when I write it, but... well maybe it is petty and stupid. but it kinda hurts a lot. a lot.
this morning he said sorry, so sorry and tried to hug me. fucking hell.
if that's not like a knife through the chest I don't know what is.
all I want is to hug him and hold him and stay there in his arms ..... and he just ....
I don't know, I can't really put it into words.
maybe someone else can?
I'm so tired and turned around and scared.
I'm lying in empty beds again.
I'll wait for you to come
to your senses, barbed-wire fences
won't keep me from breaking through.
I swear I will for you.
Now I'm on my way to the other side,
(On my way)
I'll forget everything I left behind.
(On my way)
These empty rooms,
(On my way)
are still filled with you.
(On my way)
I'm so tired and turned around and scared.
I'm lying in empty beds again.
Away from you.
yesterday (and well... today as in this morning, I guess) it was orlando's party. hahaaaaaa ahhh it was good. well it had its good points and its bad points. and was basically just pretty fucked up and crazy but still...
I hope mum doesn't notice the state her dress was it, Jones fucking hot rocked my dress, flicking ash on it ... so there's a little hole... oops. I really hope she doesn't see that.
ha, it was cool, cuz some people like Jess and Jones had to get like a 3 hour train ride and it was only 15 minutes on the train, no changes, from my house. so that was cool.
I have a headache... eeehhh.
everyone was smoking cigarette after cigarette except for me and somers :D we only do the other stuff, heh.
I remember ..er...most of it? although some was kinda a blur. actually it's so weird. there was a point when I realized that I had no idea what I was doing and it was like I was watching myself do stuff... it was fucking trippy... ahaaa.
First we all sat and had a glass of champagne and talked on the sofas and stuff... then we all sat round the dinner table and had this meal, starter, main course, dessert, coffee that lando's parents cooked, it was so good... everyone kept filling up everyone's glasses so throughout the meal everyone was steadily getting tipsier and tipsier, and everyone ended up kissing everyone else anyway... ahhh good times.
and we were all like.. dancing and stuff... and getting more and more drunk, woo, which was when things were kinda becoming a bit blurry, and then someone said for everyone to stop drinking because dave was gonna roll and we weren't about to get sick over mixing shit, so we all kinda stopped there for a bit and went on the water, heh.
...and passed to the left round the dinner table, haha. well there were like 3 going round.. jeeeez. no wonder I was fucked. so that sort of marked the point where I was seriously only having a vague sense of where I was. I guess maybe it was after that, me and dave went out and... well I remember it, I'm guessing he does, so it definitely happened... but I don't know what the hell it meant. guess it didn't really mean anything... didn't really finish because lando came in, haha, and said he didn't think it was a good idea because of his parents. which is kinda ironic, because his parents never noticed me and dave but later, when me and orlando were out the room, his dad yelled for him... ha.
well yeah but it's all fucked. because that's just the what happened side of things. not really the feeling side of things that gets pushed to the side by random drunkeness.
so this morning I was pretty screwed.
the only reason, later, I was with orlando, and jones and all that... well... dave and sophie had been like on top of each other for a while now. my ex and my best friend. not ready for that right now. really, really not ready. even thinking about it's not good. so I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna prove to myself that I don't care... so... yeah. And so, while talking this morning between sobs on the train station platform, I discovered dave took that to mean that it wouldn't matter to me if he and sophie...
yeah. me and jen and jess went to bed in our room at like 3, and orlando, jones and somers went in lando's room at the same time, but sophie and dave stayed practically on top of each other on the couch all night. fucking hell. jess gave me big hugs... she was sober, jen was being crazy drunk girl in the corner, but very entertaining, actually.
but. well. I guess it shouldn't matter but it does.
it hurts too much because all the time I kept glancing over and she was sucking his face off it just made me so sick
I wanted to be there instead of her. because I'm not some one night stand ... slut.
and maybe that's a great story to tell at another drunken party but what the hell's it gonna mean.
not as much as being there for that boy through anything and being his friend and person he could talk to about anything. and actually caring.
her just there on the couch with her legs like wide open wearing my MOM'S dress with him practically on top of her just ... its so fucking rude. and rude that the one thing orlando's parents had insisted on was that we go to bed in seperate rooms and we did. apart from .. certain people.
but I cant be angry because.. she's my friend. and she's staying at my house for like 2 more days.
and I can't be angry at him because I guess..I love him and ... well that's just pretty much fucking me up.
but it was me there with jones and orlando on the sofa at the same.. fucking.. time.. god I shouldn't have drunk so much. my trying to convince myself that I could be just like the rest of them all and not care, and get over it, and get with guys meaninglessly just ... didn't work at all. I'm just not like that I guess. all I succeeded in doing was sending the wrong signals which resulted in a pile of shite. eerggh.
I hate writing stuff like this really, because it all sounds so gay and trivial when I write it, but... well maybe it is petty and stupid. but it kinda hurts a lot. a lot.
this morning he said sorry, so sorry and tried to hug me. fucking hell.
if that's not like a knife through the chest I don't know what is.
all I want is to hug him and hold him and stay there in his arms ..... and he just ....
I don't know, I can't really put it into words.
maybe someone else can?
I'm so tired and turned around and scared.
I'm lying in empty beds again.
I'll wait for you to come
to your senses, barbed-wire fences
won't keep me from breaking through.
I swear I will for you.
Now I'm on my way to the other side,
(On my way)
I'll forget everything I left behind.
(On my way)
These empty rooms,
(On my way)
are still filled with you.
(On my way)
I'm so tired and turned around and scared.
I'm lying in empty beds again.
Away from you.