Looking back
A few weeks ago I watched Lord of the Rings. It was the first time I’d ever watched them in order, and the first time I’d watched the first two since February 2004. (I don’t know why it had been so long.)
Watching them made me think back to my first year of college. And among the songs that Ashley gave me were some that had been popular that year as well. And reading old livejournal entries, in addition to being an excellent way to waste time, has provided some interesting retrospection. I’ve had an enjoyable little jaunt down memory lane.
What strikes me about my memories of that first year is how excited I was about college. I loved it then. I think this was mostly because everything was new and different. It was my first real taste of independent living and I loved it. And it was also the first time I had free high-speed internet and cable TV. I could (and did) buy unlimited quantities of junk food. I had more free time than I did in high school-and I quite enjoyed this freedom to watch movies on weeknights.
I’m amazed by how much I enjoyed that first year. But I’m also amazed by how faded the memories seem. They seem like a dream, or someone else’s life.
Thinking back on my first year also makes me realize how quickly I became disillusioned with college. Of course the novelty had to wear off. But I think it wore off so quickly-and so thoroughly-for three main reasons (I’m sure there are a multitude of others):
1. The general crappiness of my second year.
2. The subsequent wonderful summer at Harpers Ferry. I had never had a proper job before, and this made me realize how much happier I was working forty hours a week, rather than studying and having papers loom over my head. It also confirmed my growing suspicion that I needed to get away from a bad environment.
3. All the troubles I had with Kent last spring. I already knew that I was done with college, but this just confirmed that it wasn’t worth going back.
(For those who might be wondering, no, I don’t regret my decision to go to Kent. I still think it was the right choice. Kent was very good to me...in the beginning, at least. If I had gone somewhere else I would have had to deal with different bureaucratic and communication shit, and I still would have tired of the university lifestyle. So I don’t regret choosing Kent, but I also think I made the right choice to leave.)
I can’t help but look back at my first year with nostalgia. But I don’t miss what I had then. That first year, I loved watching TV. I do wish I could watch Lost, and shows like Top Chef and Project Runway, but I know that I’m better off without TV and I don’t really miss it. I feel like internet dominates my life when I have free access to it, but I really don’t miss it. It’s funny to think about how I was always on AIM that first year, and now I never am. I know I would buy all that junk food again in a heartbeat, but I don’t think it’s worth paying my own money. Ben & Jerry went on sale a few weeks ago and I stood in front of the case debating on a flavor, but then I just walked away. I knew I didn’t need it.
It’s not a fair comparison, I suppose. Internet, cable TV, and junk food to living in England? No wonder I don’t miss them. But then...I don’t feel the lack when I’m in Harpers Ferry, or even home.
Still strange to think of the life that was. I’ve enjoyed thinking back on the obsessions, the crazes of the month. Some faded and passed, some remained. It’s so cliché, but I suppose I’m a different person than I was my first year of college. I’m more bitter. I’m more apathetic. I’m more cynical. I’m more jaded. I’m more independent. I’m more self-reliant. I’m more inclined to say...oh fuck it.
Hmm. I'm kind of blanking on any kind of conclusion here. The past is the past and I don't regret moving on? I'm glad I have nostalgia-tinged good memories of my first year? I'm glad I can live without...oh fuck it.
Watching them made me think back to my first year of college. And among the songs that Ashley gave me were some that had been popular that year as well. And reading old livejournal entries, in addition to being an excellent way to waste time, has provided some interesting retrospection. I’ve had an enjoyable little jaunt down memory lane.
What strikes me about my memories of that first year is how excited I was about college. I loved it then. I think this was mostly because everything was new and different. It was my first real taste of independent living and I loved it. And it was also the first time I had free high-speed internet and cable TV. I could (and did) buy unlimited quantities of junk food. I had more free time than I did in high school-and I quite enjoyed this freedom to watch movies on weeknights.
I’m amazed by how much I enjoyed that first year. But I’m also amazed by how faded the memories seem. They seem like a dream, or someone else’s life.
Thinking back on my first year also makes me realize how quickly I became disillusioned with college. Of course the novelty had to wear off. But I think it wore off so quickly-and so thoroughly-for three main reasons (I’m sure there are a multitude of others):
1. The general crappiness of my second year.
2. The subsequent wonderful summer at Harpers Ferry. I had never had a proper job before, and this made me realize how much happier I was working forty hours a week, rather than studying and having papers loom over my head. It also confirmed my growing suspicion that I needed to get away from a bad environment.
3. All the troubles I had with Kent last spring. I already knew that I was done with college, but this just confirmed that it wasn’t worth going back.
(For those who might be wondering, no, I don’t regret my decision to go to Kent. I still think it was the right choice. Kent was very good to me...in the beginning, at least. If I had gone somewhere else I would have had to deal with different bureaucratic and communication shit, and I still would have tired of the university lifestyle. So I don’t regret choosing Kent, but I also think I made the right choice to leave.)
I can’t help but look back at my first year with nostalgia. But I don’t miss what I had then. That first year, I loved watching TV. I do wish I could watch Lost, and shows like Top Chef and Project Runway, but I know that I’m better off without TV and I don’t really miss it. I feel like internet dominates my life when I have free access to it, but I really don’t miss it. It’s funny to think about how I was always on AIM that first year, and now I never am. I know I would buy all that junk food again in a heartbeat, but I don’t think it’s worth paying my own money. Ben & Jerry went on sale a few weeks ago and I stood in front of the case debating on a flavor, but then I just walked away. I knew I didn’t need it.
It’s not a fair comparison, I suppose. Internet, cable TV, and junk food to living in England? No wonder I don’t miss them. But then...I don’t feel the lack when I’m in Harpers Ferry, or even home.
Still strange to think of the life that was. I’ve enjoyed thinking back on the obsessions, the crazes of the month. Some faded and passed, some remained. It’s so cliché, but I suppose I’m a different person than I was my first year of college. I’m more bitter. I’m more apathetic. I’m more cynical. I’m more jaded. I’m more independent. I’m more self-reliant. I’m more inclined to say...oh fuck it.
Hmm. I'm kind of blanking on any kind of conclusion here. The past is the past and I don't regret moving on? I'm glad I have nostalgia-tinged good memories of my first year? I'm glad I can live without...oh fuck it.