There was a lot to be said for the challenge of being an attorney. There was a thrill in the fight, the battle to win justice for your side. It was exhilarating and absolutely marvelous
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LENGTH AND TENSES. LENGTH AND TENSES. LENGTH AND TENSES.m0nsterfaceMay 14 2011, 23:31:59 UTC
I was starting to miss your gay men stories~
In all honesty, I had no idea that the main character was a lawyer until the second-to-last paragraph. I can't make heads or tails of that first paragraph, especially the very first sentence. It seemed to be implying that he regularly fought against the law, but it wasn't very clear. I like your descriptions of that exciting feeling it gave him, but we also need some more concrete details thrown in there, so that we know exactly what it is he's doing that makes him so excited.
Second paragraph is just right. Don't change a thing <3
"Gourmet cooking" is a little vague. There's all sorts of gourmet cooking, and they all smell lovely, so you might want to use a different adjective. Sweet, smoky, spicy, tangy - whatever the hell you want. But you should cut either the "lovely" or "gourmet", because having both seems a little redundant.
The sentence after that has all the length and tense issues you seem to struggle with. I'm not gonna tell you how, but you need to fix that. I'll give you a shiny gold star if you can get it right the first time :P
I like that his man is "dancing" around the kitchen, even though "dancing" is in the wrong tense. Something tells me he's not literally dancing (although that would be pretty adorable if he was), but it gives us a sense of how he moves. It's an interesting detail.
"Court was the career he wanted" is a bit weird, because you haven't said he was a lawyer yet (or whatever the hell he is - I'm assuming he's a lawyer). If you rework the first paragraph to say that he's a lawyer, then this will probably be fine, but I thought I would point it out anyway because I'm a picky little rat like that.
The next sentense should read something like this: "He stepped up behind his partner, and wrapped his arms around his waist. He hooked his chin over his shoulder and said, "Hi." " Maybe not exactly like that, but the tenses need to stay consistent, and there needs to be a sentence break somewhere in there.
That is a fucking adorable mental image, by the way. Hugs from behind are the best kinds of hugs.
Also I like how the other guy kisses him like that, because that makes the scene twice as cute :P Although, having the word "softly" at the end of the sentence sounds weird. Generally, you want to avoid ending sentences with "-ly" words. You can just cut the word out, and it would be fine. Or, if you really want to say that he kisses him "softly", you could reword the sentence into something like "the man set down the spatula, and turned to plant a soft kiss on his cheek." Either way, there needs to be a comma before "and" :P
This is a really sweet little drabble. I know you usually don't expand on your drabbles, but this would be a good scene for a longer piece, should you ever decide to write one. Or maybe an AU fic?
In all honesty, I had no idea that the main character was a lawyer until the second-to-last paragraph. I can't make heads or tails of that first paragraph, especially the very first sentence. It seemed to be implying that he regularly fought against the law, but it wasn't very clear. I like your descriptions of that exciting feeling it gave him, but we also need some more concrete details thrown in there, so that we know exactly what it is he's doing that makes him so excited.
Second paragraph is just right. Don't change a thing <3
"Gourmet cooking" is a little vague. There's all sorts of gourmet cooking, and they all smell lovely, so you might want to use a different adjective. Sweet, smoky, spicy, tangy - whatever the hell you want. But you should cut either the "lovely" or "gourmet", because having both seems a little redundant.
The sentence after that has all the length and tense issues you seem to struggle with. I'm not gonna tell you how, but you need to fix that. I'll give you a shiny gold star if you can get it right the first time :P
I like that his man is "dancing" around the kitchen, even though "dancing" is in the wrong tense. Something tells me he's not literally dancing (although that would be pretty adorable if he was), but it gives us a sense of how he moves. It's an interesting detail.
"Court was the career he wanted" is a bit weird, because you haven't said he was a lawyer yet (or whatever the hell he is - I'm assuming he's a lawyer). If you rework the first paragraph to say that he's a lawyer, then this will probably be fine, but I thought I would point it out anyway because I'm a picky little rat like that.
The next sentense should read something like this:
"He stepped up behind his partner, and wrapped his arms around his waist. He hooked his chin over his shoulder and said, "Hi." "
Maybe not exactly like that, but the tenses need to stay consistent, and there needs to be a sentence break somewhere in there.
That is a fucking adorable mental image, by the way. Hugs from behind are the best kinds of hugs.
Also I like how the other guy kisses him like that, because that makes the scene twice as cute :P Although, having the word "softly" at the end of the sentence sounds weird. Generally, you want to avoid ending sentences with "-ly" words. You can just cut the word out, and it would be fine. Or, if you really want to say that he kisses him "softly", you could reword the sentence into something like "the man set down the spatula, and turned to plant a soft kiss on his cheek."
Either way, there needs to be a comma before "and" :P
This is a really sweet little drabble. I know you usually don't expand on your drabbles, but this would be a good scene for a longer piece, should you ever decide to write one. Or maybe an AU fic?
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