(no subject)
this is weird. I honestly miss lj in some ways because i feel like my friends used to know me better in some ways. its an outlet for whatever you want it to be, emotional, what you did that day, what weird shit inspired me, whatever. and everyone read it for the most part. It is nearly impossible to bring some of that stuff up in conversation now a days, and so i am missing that outlet for it. plus i'm just so much better at writing than talking. but the major downfall of live journal is definately the expectation for comments.
i'm committing to this journal entry. Being back in this country is mostly normal again, although it has definately taken away some of the life and excitement i got from being abroad. this semester has really made me into the loner that I always expected to be. My best friend last year is too fucking busy. it is sad to realize that in one semester last year we might have had 100+ quirky fun moments together, while as this semester it is maybe 2. Plus i despise her boyfriend (for logical reasons) which put more of a damper on our friendship than i realized until today. even now that they are broken up. oh well, i've gotten used to being by myself (with my puppy that is) which I think is A lot better than being so dependent for other people. I miss those times when we were all living for the moment, i really don't feel like i've found anyone since who I can do that with. maybe i should just try to be that completely free spirited person that i used to be, but it is so much easier to initiate when you are around other people who are the exact same way. as in stay up until daylight just to talk. screw whatever you have to do tomorrow, you can do it tired. because this is what counts. maybe i should talk to people from home more often. but anyways, i have recently started this thing with one of my friends here, jason. he is one of those ridiculously smart people who is bored with the level of difficulty this world has to offer to suceed (he is already in med school). I'm working on starting again with him because I've known him since freshmen year although we knew each other as well as aquatainces is what i've decided since we've been dating. he is ridiculously good to me. scares me because he is basically going to be home all summer making mula (i'll see him once a week) plus going to mexico next semester which is awesome because he will have that perameters dissolving experience. sometimes i'm really freaked out that it is a comfort relationship, something that i vowed to myself i would never ever do, but i have come to terms with it, as I would freak out about that with any relationship and there is definate chemistry there. but he calls me leigh instead of julia and he speaks to me in spanish and he argues with me and sometimes proves me wrong. its been a really good few weeks. plus the happy hour trips almost every day have been amazing.
i've been struggling with figuring out what i'm going to do after i graduate. i can't pick and commit to a path. i don't want to do it because i feel like its the rest of my life and i can't do it so easily. i hate astronomy. class is stupid, i freak out about a test and find out later i did fine on it, and think i put the smack down on another one and find out i didn't do so hot. it just makes me on the brink of saying fuck it all. I really am closer to not giving two shits about school than i ever have been before. I want to write but i don't have the time. i want to read fiction for a living.
god my roommates are such cold robots. creepy stepford wives.
maybe this will initiate a connection with people i haven't talked to in forever (heather, whoever is still on this, etc)
i'm committing to this journal entry. Being back in this country is mostly normal again, although it has definately taken away some of the life and excitement i got from being abroad. this semester has really made me into the loner that I always expected to be. My best friend last year is too fucking busy. it is sad to realize that in one semester last year we might have had 100+ quirky fun moments together, while as this semester it is maybe 2. Plus i despise her boyfriend (for logical reasons) which put more of a damper on our friendship than i realized until today. even now that they are broken up. oh well, i've gotten used to being by myself (with my puppy that is) which I think is A lot better than being so dependent for other people. I miss those times when we were all living for the moment, i really don't feel like i've found anyone since who I can do that with. maybe i should just try to be that completely free spirited person that i used to be, but it is so much easier to initiate when you are around other people who are the exact same way. as in stay up until daylight just to talk. screw whatever you have to do tomorrow, you can do it tired. because this is what counts. maybe i should talk to people from home more often. but anyways, i have recently started this thing with one of my friends here, jason. he is one of those ridiculously smart people who is bored with the level of difficulty this world has to offer to suceed (he is already in med school). I'm working on starting again with him because I've known him since freshmen year although we knew each other as well as aquatainces is what i've decided since we've been dating. he is ridiculously good to me. scares me because he is basically going to be home all summer making mula (i'll see him once a week) plus going to mexico next semester which is awesome because he will have that perameters dissolving experience. sometimes i'm really freaked out that it is a comfort relationship, something that i vowed to myself i would never ever do, but i have come to terms with it, as I would freak out about that with any relationship and there is definate chemistry there. but he calls me leigh instead of julia and he speaks to me in spanish and he argues with me and sometimes proves me wrong. its been a really good few weeks. plus the happy hour trips almost every day have been amazing.
i've been struggling with figuring out what i'm going to do after i graduate. i can't pick and commit to a path. i don't want to do it because i feel like its the rest of my life and i can't do it so easily. i hate astronomy. class is stupid, i freak out about a test and find out later i did fine on it, and think i put the smack down on another one and find out i didn't do so hot. it just makes me on the brink of saying fuck it all. I really am closer to not giving two shits about school than i ever have been before. I want to write but i don't have the time. i want to read fiction for a living.
god my roommates are such cold robots. creepy stepford wives.
maybe this will initiate a connection with people i haven't talked to in forever (heather, whoever is still on this, etc)