May 09, 2008 21:12
Title - Teenagers and Their Whore-Moans
Author - ll_Leafette_ll
Rating - PG-13 for sexual slang/ implied situations.
Pairing - Some SqualoXBelphegor fluff. LussuriaXRyohei hints.
Warnings - BoyxBoy. Sexual themes and such. :D
Summary - Lussuria being a spaz and attempting to teach Bel sex ed. as he realizes Squalo and Princey-Boy have been awful close as of late. ;D Very crackish and not serious at all.
“Now Bel, sweetie, I think it’s about time we sat down and talked about…things. I know you probably don’t want to hear about this type of thing from me, but its best just to get this over with. Trust me. I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that you and Squalo have been hanging out a lot and, not that it’s a bad thing, in fact it’s perfectly normal for someone your age to do so, I want you two to stay safe.” Lussuria paused, allowing his words to sink into the already too thick air. He bit his lip, unknowing as to how the blond would react to this. The prince shrugged and smiled in such a way that hinted he had not been paying the slightest attention to a word the martial artist had said. The realization was unsurprising, if not expected, given the prince’s nature. It wasn’t enough to faze Lussuria.
“I won’t beat around the bush with you. I’m going to teach you about the birds and the bees.~”
“Why,” Bel twittered playfully as he fingered a knife he had produced from his jacket pocket. “Would I care to know about pests such as those?”
“No, no. It’s a saying that means…,” Stopping to redirect his approach to the delicate subject, Lussuria found himself chuckling. He leaned back onto the kitchen counter, a feeble attempt to become comfortable. “Well, have you ever found yourself attracted to Squalo in a way you couldn’t quite explain?”
Belphegor cocked his head to the side, a frown tugging at the corners of his lips. The question not only confused and befuddled him, it annoyed him, too. He had never really thought of it before, maybe. Squalo wasn’t exactly a topic he was well versed nor especially interested in. Lussuria tried once more.
“Have you ever wanted to, uhm, touch him? Well, no…Has Squalo ever asked you to touch him?”
“Touch~?”
“In special places?”
“…Does wanting to kill him count?”
“No it does not.”
“Then not at all.”
This caught Lussuria off guard. It was not uncommon to see the little gestures Squalo and Bel subtly shared. An affectionate tug on a lock of hair. Bel’s fondness of being carried. Squalo volunteering to be Belphegor’s personal cake retriever. Bel was severely mistaken if he thought for one moment Lussuria believed him. Terribly, sadly, and severely mistaken. He obviously had no idea of who he was dealing with. That being said, Lussuria felt no need to show any mercy at this point.
“Belphegor, you practically hang on him like some leech. You must feel something!”
“Well,” Bel sniffed, taking offense to being described and compared to such a vial thing, “I definitely feel the urge to kill you now. Slowly and painfully, Ushishishi…~”
“Ah, teenagers and their hormones…”
“Whore moans?” Bel’s expression twisted and contorted, mildly horrified. Lussuria resisted the excruciatingly strong urge to slam his head repeatedly against the hard, granite counter. Be strong, Lussie dear. Have some patience. And quite a bit of aspirin later. “Lussuria, I am not in need of a consort!”
“Christ, no! Hormones are…!” You know what? Never mind. Details aren’t important. Sex is.”
This was Lussuria’s favorite part, his area of expertise theoretically speaking. But once again, those petty details.
“Now, at one point of your life you will engage in sexual activities. In order to be safe, you must do a number of things depending on your partner’s gender. Belphegor, are you gay?”
…
“VOIIII! Where the FUCKKK are my waffffleeeeesss?!” His unreasonably long hair still in knots after just waking up, Squalo stormed into the kitchen positively furious. He slammed the door shut behind him and preceded in cursing under his breath until he reached the refrigerator.
Belphegor grinned, ignoring Lussuria’s question for now. Selective hearing is, indeed, a blessing.
“I ate them!~” Bel sang obnoxiously enough to put Lambo to shame. He ushishishishi’d and licked his lips, just to further annoy the swordsman.
“WHAAAAT?!--”
“Hey Squalo. Lussie wants to know if I’m gay.”
Lussuria, who had been silently watching this interaction unfold on its own, stiffened. Squalo blinked once, twice, three times before making a most disgusted face.
“He’s hitting on you now?” Squalo wasn’t sure if he should be laughing or scared for the younger Varia member. He cackled, eyes wide, but not completely surprised. “Fuck, Lussuria! Aren’t you a bit old?!”
Lussuria pouted, clearly offended. 25 was far from old…right? Oh shit.
“He wasn’t hitting on me. He wanted to talk to me about whore moans and you wanting to touch me in special places.” Belphegor yawned, as if it meant nothing to him. Chances are, it probably didn’t. “Lussuria wants us to have safe sex.”
Apparently, that was not a very good thing to say. Innocence was fleeting. Lussuria went with his previous idea involving his head and a very, very hard surface. Squalo was certainly not amused.
“...What?” Squalo spat, his sword already pointed at Lussuria’s chest. “WHAT THE FUUUCKKKK?!”
“No! I just thought you two were, are, is-AGAH!” Lussuria scrambled away from the counter in order to avoid the now advancing swordsman. “St-stop!”
“Ushishishi.”
“OI! Stop moving so I can kill you.”
“Useless trash! Don’t get my kitchen all bloody. I just got the tiles replaced.” A voice rang from another room.
“Y-You heard Xanxu-Dada!” Lussuria shrieked, pulling Belphegor in front of him as some sort of human shield.
“Let go of me, twit.”
Squalo bared his teeth and pulled away, his hand gestures anything but kind. One glare and a string of colorful curses later, he was gone. Lussuria breathed a sigh of relief. That was, until something very, very sharp jabbed into his stomach.
“Release me, ruffian.”
“F…fine.” He obliged, sheepishly nursing the new cut on his abdomen. “Let’s continue then… Belphegor, sex is not something to be taken lightly. I’ll teach you the basics, okay?”
Lussuria produced two makeshift puppets that, quite suspiciously, resembled himself and Ryohei. Once again with the details. Unneeded. Not like Bel would noti--.
“Why do you have a puppet of the Vongolia guardian of sun~?”
Observant brat.
“Not important. But his name was Ryohei, either way.”
“Only you would know that~”
“Oh, hush. We’ll start with this thing called ‘first base’, alright? It looks like this.” He just barely pressed the two dolls together, their faces rubbing. Bel was slightly interested, but only in how excited Lussuria seemed to be at this point.
“Mmm, Ahhh, Nngg, Mmngfff. These are the sounds and gestures that can be found with first base. Are you following me?”
“Pervert.”
“I am not.” The martial artist scowled defiantly, planting both hands on his hips and jerking his head to the side. “This is all for you own good. I’m only trying to help.”
“I never asked for your help.”
The blonde snickered as he continued to pry under Lussuria’s skin. The older man was already becoming quite flustered as he fumbled for the words to respond. Wait, but what was the point? Belphegor was just a teenager. No need to waste his intellectual genius on the likes of him. Really now, what had he been thinking? He sniffed and sneered, choosing to tastefully ignore the prince’s last remark.
“Second base~” Lussuria chirped as he pressed the bodies together, fabric limbs rubbing and sliding across each other. A sly grin crossed his face as he moved the limbs to the general vicinity of the special places he had only just mentioned. “Strictly groping. Nothing serious up to this point, you understand me?”
If Belphegor’s eyebrows had been visible at this point, Lussuria might have noticed just how high they had arched. Bel fought back an amused smirk as Lussuria really got into the puppet act, biting his lip in concentration and he slowly stripped the felt clothes off the doll’s fabric bodies. He briefly showcased them to the seemingly now disturbed Bel. A this point, Lussuria was just barely able to contain himself.
“Th-third base…!” Lussuria stammered as he began to fidget with his pants, pulling them lower by the belt loops to where they sagged on his hips. If he had been flustered before, he was full on blushing by now. Bel smirked and decided to simply wait it out, as it obviously would not take long.
“… B-Belphegor, I know this isn’t th-the best time for this b-but…!”
Bingo.
Lussuria’s voice was now high and cracking with every syllable as he rushed to stand, his expression pained.
“UMGZZKJJ!!” Said Lussuria... or something like that. Bel hadn't really been paying attention, his eyes caught on the excited man as he sprinted from the kitchen, bumping against Squalo on the way out. He fell to the floor, scrambled for his puppets and his wits, and was off once more.
Squalo watched him go, biting back a curse. Had Lussuria managed to turn himself on with those ridiculous puppets again? The swordsman had yet to understand how he even managed it. But then again, it was Lussuria. He could get horny from anything and everything. It must be a gift or some shit like that.
“The prince is very interested now. Lussuria never got the chance to finish... ushishishi!” Bel chuckled, reaching for a lock of Squalo’s still-knotted hair and twisting it around his slender finger. “Think he’ll try again tomorrow?”
“Wouldn’t put it past him.” Squalo grimaced, a painful tugging on his scalp becoming all too apparent. The blond was running his fingers through the hair, unthreading the knots where he could and ferociously pulling where he couldn’t. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Your hair is all knotted.” Belphegor gave up at manually pulling at the unruly hair, somewhat defeated. “Let’s go take a bath.”
“A bath?” The swordsman found the idea reasonable. He grunted, apathetic. “Fine.”
Belphegor grinned but made no attempt to move from his inanimate position. He instead placed both arms by his sides, as if expecting something. Squalo knew all too well what he wanted, the very idea causing a sarcastic laugh to bubble in his throat.
“You’re too fucking big for that.”
“I am not.” Bel frowned, refusing to move. “A prince is never too big, commoner.”
Squalo knew there was no end when it came to Bel and his stubborn nature. Instead of arguing the day away, he hoisted the blond into his arms with relative ease, muttering a few choice obscenities under his breath. Bel laughed, quite satisfied with himself for getting things his way once again.
“Spoiled Brat.”