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American Football Spectacular: Race To The Bottom
Yatta! Our Raiders got that first win over the pathetic Arizona American football Cardinals! Thank goodness. Well, phew, that means no more "winless season" jabs.
"The only thing more embarrassing than the franchise are the fans that support them," said American Football Spectacular's Arizona correspondent Chesko. "They've accepted perennial defeat to the point that Bengals and Browns fans can turn their noses up at the desert simply because they were good at least once."
The Cards have fans? Must be a tough road to hoe. Unenviable.
Oh well. Now that our Raiders have gotten that first win, how do they match up against the rest of the National Football League's one-win teams? Who's gonna get that number one draft pick? The race is on.
By SFist Christopher Rogers for "American Football Spectacular," contributing
Franchise: Our Oakland Raiders
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Down. Yeah, listen, we got that win, but the next three games are Pittsburgh, the injured Seattle, and then the hated Broncos. See any wins in there? Yeah, me either.
Winnables: HOU; NYJ.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: STL; NYJ.
Naw, Dude: PIT; SEAl DEN; KC; SD; CIN; KC.
Franchise: Miami Dolphins
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Down. After last season's strong finish, Coach Nick Sabean's squad got a lot of buzz as the team to win the AFC East this year. Now in the wake of horrible quarterbacking and poor offensive decisions, they suck.
Winnables: DET.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: BUF; NYJ.
Naw, Dude: CHI; KC; MIN; JAC; NE; IND.
Franchise: Cleveland Browns
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Meh. Coach Romeo Crennel fired his offensive coordinator this week after much futility on that side of the ball. Crennel has his troops fighting, but he doesn't have the personnel to make much of a dent in his opponents. This team is essentially building good habits as they wait for the next draft.
Winnables: NYJ; HOU.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: TB.
Naw, Dude: SD; ATL; PIT; CIN; KC; PIT; BAL.
Franchise: http://www.nfl.com/teams/schedule/TEN>Tennessee Titans
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Up. After lots of sportswriters talking about how Coach Jeff Fisher might be out by the end of the season, the Titans beat the Redskins in a game they really had no business winning. So now everyone's saying how great Fisher is. Typical. Fisher is one of the best young coaches in the NFL, despite his mullet. The Titans would be fools to let him go.
Winnables: HOU; HOU; BUF.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: PHI; NYG.
Naw, Dude: JAC; BAL; IND; JAC; NE.
Franchise: Detroit Lions
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Unknown. Oh, the oddness that is the Detroit Lions! Let's review -- Another new head coach, the wily Mad Mike Martz as their offensive coordinator, and the unbelievably incompetent Matt Millen is still running the franchise?! No wonder Ford is doing so poorly.
Winnables: SF; ARI; MIA; GB.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: MIN.
Naw, Dude: ATL; NE; CHI; DAL.
Franchise: Arizona American football Cardinals
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Straight to hell. Hoo boy, as mentioned above, this is a bad time to consider yourself an Arizona fan. After the heartbreaking choke-loss to Da Bearss, Coach Green's now legendary pressroom freakout, and the piddlingly weak loss to our Raiders, there's no place to go but down down down. We're going to be hearing calls for Coach Green's head for the rest of the year even tough the money on his contract is guaranteed for another season. A team with the good young talent such as this should not be performing at this level. It's sad, really.
Winnables: DET; SF.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: GB; STL.
Naw, Dude: DAL; MIN; SEA; DEN; SD.
Next up on your American Football Spectacular: Previewing our Bay Area week eight matchups. Daaaa Bearss.
Yatta! Our Raiders got that first win over the pathetic Arizona American football Cardinals! Thank goodness. Well, phew, that means no more "winless season" jabs.
"The only thing more embarrassing than the franchise are the fans that support them," said American Football Spectacular's Arizona correspondent Chesko. "They've accepted perennial defeat to the point that Bengals and Browns fans can turn their noses up at the desert simply because they were good at least once."
The Cards have fans? Must be a tough road to hoe. Unenviable.
Oh well. Now that our Raiders have gotten that first win, how do they match up against the rest of the National Football League's one-win teams? Who's gonna get that number one draft pick? The race is on.
By SFist Christopher Rogers for "American Football Spectacular," contributing
Franchise: Our Oakland Raiders
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Down. Yeah, listen, we got that win, but the next three games are Pittsburgh, the injured Seattle, and then the hated Broncos. See any wins in there? Yeah, me either.
Winnables: HOU; NYJ.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: STL; NYJ.
Naw, Dude: PIT; SEAl DEN; KC; SD; CIN; KC.
Franchise: Miami Dolphins
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Down. After last season's strong finish, Coach Nick Sabean's squad got a lot of buzz as the team to win the AFC East this year. Now in the wake of horrible quarterbacking and poor offensive decisions, they suck.
Winnables: DET.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: BUF; NYJ.
Naw, Dude: CHI; KC; MIN; JAC; NE; IND.
Franchise: Cleveland Browns
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Meh. Coach Romeo Crennel fired his offensive coordinator this week after much futility on that side of the ball. Crennel has his troops fighting, but he doesn't have the personnel to make much of a dent in his opponents. This team is essentially building good habits as they wait for the next draft.
Winnables: NYJ; HOU.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: TB.
Naw, Dude: SD; ATL; PIT; CIN; KC; PIT; BAL.
Franchise: http://www.nfl.com/teams/schedule/TEN>Tennessee Titans
Record: 1 - 5
Trend: Up. After lots of sportswriters talking about how Coach Jeff Fisher might be out by the end of the season, the Titans beat the Redskins in a game they really had no business winning. So now everyone's saying how great Fisher is. Typical. Fisher is one of the best young coaches in the NFL, despite his mullet. The Titans would be fools to let him go.
Winnables: HOU; HOU; BUF.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: PHI; NYG.
Naw, Dude: JAC; BAL; IND; JAC; NE.
Franchise: Detroit Lions
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Unknown. Oh, the oddness that is the Detroit Lions! Let's review -- Another new head coach, the wily Mad Mike Martz as their offensive coordinator, and the unbelievably incompetent Matt Millen is still running the franchise?! No wonder Ford is doing so poorly.
Winnables: SF; ARI; MIA; GB.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: MIN.
Naw, Dude: ATL; NE; CHI; DAL.
Franchise: Arizona American football Cardinals
Record: 1 - 6
Trend: Straight to hell. Hoo boy, as mentioned above, this is a bad time to consider yourself an Arizona fan. After the heartbreaking choke-loss to Da Bearss, Coach Green's now legendary pressroom freakout, and the piddlingly weak loss to our Raiders, there's no place to go but down down down. We're going to be hearing calls for Coach Green's head for the rest of the year even tough the money on his contract is guaranteed for another season. A team with the good young talent such as this should not be performing at this level. It's sad, really.
Winnables: DET; SF.
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps: GB; STL.
Naw, Dude: DAL; MIN; SEA; DEN; SD.
Next up on your American Football Spectacular: Previewing our Bay Area week eight matchups. Daaaa Bearss.