i've only got one last relation to this fucking rock, this lucid sphere.
Monday morning at 1 a.m.
What the fuck am I doing awake? Thankfully i don't have to be in school for 11 hours, otherwise i'd hate to fall asleep this late.
Lately life seems to be going by so slowly. Every day keeps getting longer as my patience is getting shorter. I find I am slightly struggling to make it through the daily day-to-day life. I can't even really begin to understand why either. It's not like it's a hard life to endure or anything.
I wake up, i got to school, i come home and find myself confined to this home with 2 kids to watch. This is not what I imagined being 20 years old would have been like. I imagined myself working a decent job and just going through school. But no. And above all else, the only social interaction i get to enjoy anymore is either through xbox live, or people i see at school. Which by the way, are meaningless and practically absent from my life. I don't know anybody at chabot, and to be quite honest, all the people that I have seen and officially recognized, I want nothing to do with anymore.
Is this what I call a life now? How many more days left to go until I can wake up somewhere new??
From what I can see, the only truth in life is admitting to everything by saying " I".
If it's not self proclaimed it is apparently not worth mentioning. The people at chabot are just like the people i used to know in high school. They all stick to their little social types and cliques. It's a damn shame. I've tried making friends too, so it's not like i'm over here squandering every day by myself. I've talked to people in and out of class and then once the conversation is over they walk away and never bother to give me even a passing glance afterward.
Is there some fear of contracting some type of social pariah into their life by accepting me as a friend? Do I have some invisible sign over me that reads, "Stay away, i'm an asshole and I probably hate you" and does all the talking for me?
Whatever it may be, they can all die and burn in hell for all I care. People are still just as shallow and petty as they have been for as long as I can remember.
"I wake to the sound of your voice. The thought of you being gone tears at my insides. Tossing and turning every night. I cling to memories we have lived in our lives. I wish all our moments last forever. Take back time, take back everything. As I tell what has happened, it appeared to me that this is what it will be like from now on. Stare at change filled with questions, i take myself on. It was meant to be and the days we dreamt to fear. On our shoulders its weight stays and grows as does my heart when I notice you watching us. Never forgetting what you stood for. Taking chances, overcoming fears. Whenever in doubt I turn to you for the answers."
Nothing can be more accurate than that in my life right now. The thought of once having a friend who can just about do anything for me now, is only a dream in my life.
This past week people I used to be friends with have been texting me asking me what i have been up to etc.
I didn't respond to any of them because i would ask them that same question a year ago, maybe even more than that. They just left me hanging all that time and I honestly feel they don't deserve that second chance to be brought back into my life. Or even that they feel so desperate and in need of a friend or just somebody to talk to that i should give them a moment of my time.
not this time though, nope. No more shit, this is it. I'm living for myself now and no one else. Almost everybody I know has become this self-obsessed, freak. Punching holes in my face to hear only what they want.
Kind of like...all at once there is a disease being spread onto people that forces them into some weird state of mind.
But it's all right.
I failed to mention earlier this week the happenings of my extraordinary social life.
I made one new friend. And I hope it stays that way because i can never manage to keep girls as just friends in my life for some unknown reason or another. But this girl is so smart, and she really understands my humor, and everything I talk about. It's unbelievable. I always have to dumb myself down to talk to the people i do normally. But now, i feel kind of sharper around the edges talking to her. Like, she says things that I get, but it takes me some time to get on par with her. But it's happening, i'm starting to remember what it was like to have an intellectual conversation with somebody that wasn't about other people. I must admit i really enjoy the feeling.
I should really be going to sleep, i have to be awake at 8:45.
That's in 7 hours and 9 minutes.
I can barely even function on a full 8 hours of sleep anymore because i keep waking up every hour or so for some fucking reason.
Also, i have a few pages of homework I need to get done by thursday. And i really hate doing bookwork, so i'm pretty pissed about that already.
I'm craving McDonalds right now. I hate having this craving because everybody is always like, "Eww dude, you like McDonalds?" As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do. in fact i enjoy it a lot. I grew up eating it and it just stays with you over time. I want some fries. and BBQ sauce.
---A bent frame of mind is all that you own. Even my own values are being raped by you.
What the fuck am I doing awake? Thankfully i don't have to be in school for 11 hours, otherwise i'd hate to fall asleep this late.
Lately life seems to be going by so slowly. Every day keeps getting longer as my patience is getting shorter. I find I am slightly struggling to make it through the daily day-to-day life. I can't even really begin to understand why either. It's not like it's a hard life to endure or anything.
I wake up, i got to school, i come home and find myself confined to this home with 2 kids to watch. This is not what I imagined being 20 years old would have been like. I imagined myself working a decent job and just going through school. But no. And above all else, the only social interaction i get to enjoy anymore is either through xbox live, or people i see at school. Which by the way, are meaningless and practically absent from my life. I don't know anybody at chabot, and to be quite honest, all the people that I have seen and officially recognized, I want nothing to do with anymore.
Is this what I call a life now? How many more days left to go until I can wake up somewhere new??
From what I can see, the only truth in life is admitting to everything by saying " I".
If it's not self proclaimed it is apparently not worth mentioning. The people at chabot are just like the people i used to know in high school. They all stick to their little social types and cliques. It's a damn shame. I've tried making friends too, so it's not like i'm over here squandering every day by myself. I've talked to people in and out of class and then once the conversation is over they walk away and never bother to give me even a passing glance afterward.
Is there some fear of contracting some type of social pariah into their life by accepting me as a friend? Do I have some invisible sign over me that reads, "Stay away, i'm an asshole and I probably hate you" and does all the talking for me?
Whatever it may be, they can all die and burn in hell for all I care. People are still just as shallow and petty as they have been for as long as I can remember.
"I wake to the sound of your voice. The thought of you being gone tears at my insides. Tossing and turning every night. I cling to memories we have lived in our lives. I wish all our moments last forever. Take back time, take back everything. As I tell what has happened, it appeared to me that this is what it will be like from now on. Stare at change filled with questions, i take myself on. It was meant to be and the days we dreamt to fear. On our shoulders its weight stays and grows as does my heart when I notice you watching us. Never forgetting what you stood for. Taking chances, overcoming fears. Whenever in doubt I turn to you for the answers."
Nothing can be more accurate than that in my life right now. The thought of once having a friend who can just about do anything for me now, is only a dream in my life.
This past week people I used to be friends with have been texting me asking me what i have been up to etc.
I didn't respond to any of them because i would ask them that same question a year ago, maybe even more than that. They just left me hanging all that time and I honestly feel they don't deserve that second chance to be brought back into my life. Or even that they feel so desperate and in need of a friend or just somebody to talk to that i should give them a moment of my time.
not this time though, nope. No more shit, this is it. I'm living for myself now and no one else. Almost everybody I know has become this self-obsessed, freak. Punching holes in my face to hear only what they want.
Kind of like...all at once there is a disease being spread onto people that forces them into some weird state of mind.
But it's all right.
I failed to mention earlier this week the happenings of my extraordinary social life.
I made one new friend. And I hope it stays that way because i can never manage to keep girls as just friends in my life for some unknown reason or another. But this girl is so smart, and she really understands my humor, and everything I talk about. It's unbelievable. I always have to dumb myself down to talk to the people i do normally. But now, i feel kind of sharper around the edges talking to her. Like, she says things that I get, but it takes me some time to get on par with her. But it's happening, i'm starting to remember what it was like to have an intellectual conversation with somebody that wasn't about other people. I must admit i really enjoy the feeling.
I should really be going to sleep, i have to be awake at 8:45.
That's in 7 hours and 9 minutes.
I can barely even function on a full 8 hours of sleep anymore because i keep waking up every hour or so for some fucking reason.
Also, i have a few pages of homework I need to get done by thursday. And i really hate doing bookwork, so i'm pretty pissed about that already.
I'm craving McDonalds right now. I hate having this craving because everybody is always like, "Eww dude, you like McDonalds?" As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do. in fact i enjoy it a lot. I grew up eating it and it just stays with you over time. I want some fries. and BBQ sauce.
---A bent frame of mind is all that you own. Even my own values are being raped by you.