A series of very Machiavellian manoeuvres later...
We're friends.
After much effort, I must add, because damn is he impersonal with people.
Becoming friends with this particular lecturer, who is very confident but hilariously introverted (gosh every single person I like is introverted as fuck), involved becoming friends with a couple of people most likely befriend him-- and telling them of my agenda too was not a bad move.
Well, he looks at me now. Knows me by nickname. We talk during breaks. Progress. Not much, but progress. It's only halfway through semester. I still have ways to go before I'm legally allowed to make a move, before he can display interest without the fear of getting a sexual harassment suit on his head. I seriously did not expect him to be introverted! Nor did I expect his future to be quite so... uncertain. It's to be expected considering his age and his field, I suppose, but I forget that he's merely human like I am, and indeed, his marks back in undergrad were more or less similar to my own. He's applying for unpaid positions in the UK, and whilst I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, I'm noting a distinct lack of mentions of a gf in talking about leaving the country.
I'm starting to see how much of this obsession is of my own doing, how I added fuel to the fire of my own volition. This isn't me being swept away by the forces of love; this is me making myself fall in love, because being in love with an idea and shaping my life around it-- going to seminars on German Idealism, being active in the community and making connections with people who will get me closer to him-- I could do it all for the sake of loving philosophy, but I've always needed a humanistic element to really get me going. I am putting him on a pedastal worthy of John Donne's poetry, truly.
Thank fuuuuck he has no idea.
Because if he did, I would not blame him for running far, far, far away, very very fast. I would do the same thing. Nobody likes being idealized, so I'm going to keep my huge trap shut. Some people are fair game, if they can take my NEVER ENDING VERBIAGE ON HOW HIS EYEBROWS ARE PERFECTION. I can be amusing, and people take it because they can laugh at me, look how silly she is, gushing like that.
Andy was also on the Russoc Exec back when he was undergrad. He's starting to remind me of me, on a surface level. It makes me wonder if he's very much a different person once you peel back the layers. I don't mind if it's something terrible, because I feel like I could be something terrible. Even if he does not want me in that way, I want to separate him from the university environment, talk to him one on one and for a long time. In a way, not being able to just ask him out; ask him if he has a gf -- is better, because I actually love the anticipation, the possibility, and I'm trying to make myself a better person for him--- and I have a feeling that "for him" is in fact auxillary to "improve self", just that it's a necessary condition.
If I was a single, original sin, I would be lust, through and through. At least, young adult me would certainly be. There has not being a single period where I haven't been attatched to someone, or extremely interested in someone, for a long time.
After much effort, I must add, because damn is he impersonal with people.
Becoming friends with this particular lecturer, who is very confident but hilariously introverted (gosh every single person I like is introverted as fuck), involved becoming friends with a couple of people most likely befriend him-- and telling them of my agenda too was not a bad move.
Well, he looks at me now. Knows me by nickname. We talk during breaks. Progress. Not much, but progress. It's only halfway through semester. I still have ways to go before I'm legally allowed to make a move, before he can display interest without the fear of getting a sexual harassment suit on his head. I seriously did not expect him to be introverted! Nor did I expect his future to be quite so... uncertain. It's to be expected considering his age and his field, I suppose, but I forget that he's merely human like I am, and indeed, his marks back in undergrad were more or less similar to my own. He's applying for unpaid positions in the UK, and whilst I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, I'm noting a distinct lack of mentions of a gf in talking about leaving the country.
I'm starting to see how much of this obsession is of my own doing, how I added fuel to the fire of my own volition. This isn't me being swept away by the forces of love; this is me making myself fall in love, because being in love with an idea and shaping my life around it-- going to seminars on German Idealism, being active in the community and making connections with people who will get me closer to him-- I could do it all for the sake of loving philosophy, but I've always needed a humanistic element to really get me going. I am putting him on a pedastal worthy of John Donne's poetry, truly.
Thank fuuuuck he has no idea.
Because if he did, I would not blame him for running far, far, far away, very very fast. I would do the same thing. Nobody likes being idealized, so I'm going to keep my huge trap shut. Some people are fair game, if they can take my NEVER ENDING VERBIAGE ON HOW HIS EYEBROWS ARE PERFECTION. I can be amusing, and people take it because they can laugh at me, look how silly she is, gushing like that.
Andy was also on the Russoc Exec back when he was undergrad. He's starting to remind me of me, on a surface level. It makes me wonder if he's very much a different person once you peel back the layers. I don't mind if it's something terrible, because I feel like I could be something terrible. Even if he does not want me in that way, I want to separate him from the university environment, talk to him one on one and for a long time. In a way, not being able to just ask him out; ask him if he has a gf -- is better, because I actually love the anticipation, the possibility, and I'm trying to make myself a better person for him--- and I have a feeling that "for him" is in fact auxillary to "improve self", just that it's a necessary condition.
If I was a single, original sin, I would be lust, through and through. At least, young adult me would certainly be. There has not being a single period where I haven't been attatched to someone, or extremely interested in someone, for a long time.