(no subject)
3rd October 2013, Thursday.
Semester two midsem break.
DAY 6.
It might be a residue of my personal dark ages (ala adolescence), where there was a particularly dark year for my self worth had me truly believing that the only thing that could define me in any sort of positive light was my intelligence fluidity. Having attended a school that emphasized extra-curricular activities such as sports and music, I lacked the determination to become adept at any of them. As such, I failed at all of them. This was also the time when I thought myself as extremely ugly. For a time, I probably was. My EQ was also absurdly low; being with people took effort, and what I didn't put in, I obviously didn't get out. So cultivating meaningful interpersonal relationships was also out. Intellectualism was all I had.
I feel like I'm at a better part of my life. I've cleaned myself up, bought some nicely fitting clothes -- I'm reasonably attractive, I'm looking to study medicine, and I'm studying what I've always wanted to study, surrounded by people who I actually enjoy being with. The idea of being stupid, is still such a huge fear I'm sometimes paralyzed with it. Such emotions were also frowned upon. Crying because I'm stupid seemed to be a moot point. But I did. A few minutes ago. There's just so much content, and it's taking me longer than I'd have like to absorb it. I'm making so many mistakes, and I'm always so confused. It's so frustrating. I keep comparing myself to people who are picking things up much easier than I am.
This is probably the only pitfall in studying arts/science. In science, everything is interconnected. You can't have physics without maths. You can't have anything without maths.
Everything is so frustrating. I have so much to do.
Semester two midsem break.
DAY 6.
It might be a residue of my personal dark ages (ala adolescence), where there was a particularly dark year for my self worth had me truly believing that the only thing that could define me in any sort of positive light was my intelligence fluidity. Having attended a school that emphasized extra-curricular activities such as sports and music, I lacked the determination to become adept at any of them. As such, I failed at all of them. This was also the time when I thought myself as extremely ugly. For a time, I probably was. My EQ was also absurdly low; being with people took effort, and what I didn't put in, I obviously didn't get out. So cultivating meaningful interpersonal relationships was also out. Intellectualism was all I had.
I feel like I'm at a better part of my life. I've cleaned myself up, bought some nicely fitting clothes -- I'm reasonably attractive, I'm looking to study medicine, and I'm studying what I've always wanted to study, surrounded by people who I actually enjoy being with. The idea of being stupid, is still such a huge fear I'm sometimes paralyzed with it. Such emotions were also frowned upon. Crying because I'm stupid seemed to be a moot point. But I did. A few minutes ago. There's just so much content, and it's taking me longer than I'd have like to absorb it. I'm making so many mistakes, and I'm always so confused. It's so frustrating. I keep comparing myself to people who are picking things up much easier than I am.
This is probably the only pitfall in studying arts/science. In science, everything is interconnected. You can't have physics without maths. You can't have anything without maths.
Everything is so frustrating. I have so much to do.