The new workout
Since running a 7:11 pace for a 5K last summer on my road to my return to form, I've plateaued if not faded a bit. Despite my twice daily Wistrol/ephedra injections directly into my left ass cheek, it's just not getting any better. Coincidentally, during my last blind rage, I cooked Jennifer in our new stove, and I ate her with a little guacamole. She will be sorely missed (and only partially digested).
In trying out a new workout with Jerome, the guy I've been working with at Seattle Fitness, we may have had a bit of a breakthrough: my recovery heart rate suggests I'm a 56-year-old whale who has only consumed Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing during my life (since I'm an athlete, I can justify washing it down with a Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie).
I'm glad I'm vegan. You omnivores are fucking retarded sacks of lard.
What's going on? Why is my recovery heart rate so poor? I don't know, but this workout is designed to start improving that.
Warm-ups (do these in order twice in rapid succession)
1. Quick bench steps: get into a semi-squat keeping upper body upright and back straight. Step up on to a bench with one leg, then the other leg, then dismount one leg at a time. I think of this shimmy like I'm Antoine Walker-ing my way up and down. Do 10 per leg.
2. Lunge twist: with arms held at 90 degree angles (ala Cornholio), step into a lunge. Twist to one side. Alternate to other side. Go down and back along length of gym.
3. Butt kicks: familiar with these from track -- run up and down gym while trying to kick your own ass. I think of this as Adam Samberg's retard-run.
4. Mountain climbers: get into push up position (hands under shoulders). Pull knees up to chest without lifting feet. I don't have a celebrity to whom to compare this move, but imagine you're either running up a hill, or you really really hate (to the point of physical violence) your sexual partner to which only a knee to their privates while engaged in the act is an appropriate representation of said hatred. Go 20 seconds.
5. Split lunge jump: with hands on hips or behind head, jump up (height is key) and land into a lunge. Don't split too far, or the next one will be really hard. Hold lunge for a second, jump (high) again and land changing legs. Do 5 per leg. This is my high school cheerleader warm up. Be aggressive. B-E aggressive...
Weights
6. Machine dips: 2 sets of as many as I can do (second set should be at least 75% of first set). Set machine to 70 lbs. (which is counterweight, meaning less is more). Dip down without tensing and push up strong.
7. Close-grip pull-downs: using V-handle, drop shoulder blades down pull using the the back muscles. Try to bring chest close to the handles. Do 2 sets of 20. It's okay to cheat after a while (near end of set).
8. Crunches: 2 sets of 50. Count to a slow 4 going up.
Cardio
9. After a 3 minute warm-up, sprint 1 minute, rest 2 minutes. My sprint interval (not all-out, but enough to get my heart rate up) is 8.8 mph (a 6:49 pace). My rest interval is 5.5 mph (a 10:55 pace). As I improve (as I have in a couple weeks), I can increase my rest interval speed. Improvement is measured by how many bpm my heart rate drops during the rest interval.
In trying out a new workout with Jerome, the guy I've been working with at Seattle Fitness, we may have had a bit of a breakthrough: my recovery heart rate suggests I'm a 56-year-old whale who has only consumed Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing during my life (since I'm an athlete, I can justify washing it down with a Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie).
I'm glad I'm vegan. You omnivores are fucking retarded sacks of lard.
What's going on? Why is my recovery heart rate so poor? I don't know, but this workout is designed to start improving that.
Warm-ups (do these in order twice in rapid succession)
1. Quick bench steps: get into a semi-squat keeping upper body upright and back straight. Step up on to a bench with one leg, then the other leg, then dismount one leg at a time. I think of this shimmy like I'm Antoine Walker-ing my way up and down. Do 10 per leg.
2. Lunge twist: with arms held at 90 degree angles (ala Cornholio), step into a lunge. Twist to one side. Alternate to other side. Go down and back along length of gym.
3. Butt kicks: familiar with these from track -- run up and down gym while trying to kick your own ass. I think of this as Adam Samberg's retard-run.
4. Mountain climbers: get into push up position (hands under shoulders). Pull knees up to chest without lifting feet. I don't have a celebrity to whom to compare this move, but imagine you're either running up a hill, or you really really hate (to the point of physical violence) your sexual partner to which only a knee to their privates while engaged in the act is an appropriate representation of said hatred. Go 20 seconds.
5. Split lunge jump: with hands on hips or behind head, jump up (height is key) and land into a lunge. Don't split too far, or the next one will be really hard. Hold lunge for a second, jump (high) again and land changing legs. Do 5 per leg. This is my high school cheerleader warm up. Be aggressive. B-E aggressive...
Weights
6. Machine dips: 2 sets of as many as I can do (second set should be at least 75% of first set). Set machine to 70 lbs. (which is counterweight, meaning less is more). Dip down without tensing and push up strong.
7. Close-grip pull-downs: using V-handle, drop shoulder blades down pull using the the back muscles. Try to bring chest close to the handles. Do 2 sets of 20. It's okay to cheat after a while (near end of set).
8. Crunches: 2 sets of 50. Count to a slow 4 going up.
Cardio
9. After a 3 minute warm-up, sprint 1 minute, rest 2 minutes. My sprint interval (not all-out, but enough to get my heart rate up) is 8.8 mph (a 6:49 pace). My rest interval is 5.5 mph (a 10:55 pace). As I improve (as I have in a couple weeks), I can increase my rest interval speed. Improvement is measured by how many bpm my heart rate drops during the rest interval.