What if you received?
12 Days of Christmas Correspondence
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
***
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
***
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is
this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm
a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with
those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to
bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my
own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they
play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No
wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop.
The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas