Chekov/Sulu Fic: A Walk Through Hell
Title: A Walk Through Hell
Rating: R (for language, suggested rape and torture by an alien race, lots of angst)
Pairing: Chekov/Sulu (with subtle Kirk/Spock)
Word Count: ~2,500
Summary: For this prompt on the kink meme. Disaster strikes for Chekov after a particularly troubled alien race captures and imprisons him. After the fact, Chekov can’t remember and he wants to know what has Sulu so torn apart. Sulu writes him a letter to explain everything to him. Title, song lyrics, and inspiration from the song A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything (because I couldn’t deny a prompt involving one of my favorite bands ever).
Notes: I wrote this quite a while ago but I've been missing fandom life. This was a fun little experiment in trying to write in a new way.
Dear Pavel,
Hey.
Wow, what a stupid way to start this letter. I wrote and rewrote that seven times. How are you? Oh god that was dumb too wasn’t it? I’ve never written a letter like this before. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter ever (maybe to a guy I liked in 5th grade…). But McCoy said I should. He said that it ought to be me who told you about everything that happened, but not in too much detail and that maybe it should be in the form of a letter. I think that part was for my sake. Also, to “talk about my feelings” which was not a direction from McCoy but from the psychiatrist. I couldn’t imagine Leonard McCoy ever suggesting to talk about feelings.
So it’s been a week. You’re still in sickbay, recovering. I know you think I barely visit you and that I’ve been avoiding you as much as possible but I come at night while you’re asleep every single night. That sounds fucking creepy, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do with everything yet. McCoy says it’s posttraumatic stress. He’s probably right. He is a Doctor, you know. Definitely not anything else. Ha-ha.
Anyway, I guess I have to tell you what happened then….
And if I could swim I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if was blessed I’d walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest.
You were out there in the water, Pavel. It was dark and choppy. I couldn’t do anything other than stand there and wait because I never learned how to swim. Not that I didn’t want to try, you have to understand that. McCoy and the Captain were holding me back while I fought against them. I was screaming into the darkness and it was so cold. The water was even colder than the air. McCoy was yelling at me to calm down. The Captain was pretty calm and focused, just letting me freak out. He was too busy trying to save you to worry about me trying to punch him in the nuts.
I love you. I just want you to know that right now. I love you more than any moon or stars in the entire galaxy. You’re my best friend, my lover, and my whole universe. If I could have, I would have swam swum? swam out there but I would have potentially killed us both in the process (later I regretted not just saying fuck it and going in after you anyway). There are a lot of things I would have done if I could. I would have walked across that water, gave you all the air in my lungs, taken your place out there.
When they finally pulled you out (the two Ensigns they sent out), I ran to you. I cried. I let it all out, everything I had been holding in (Yeah right, I’d been crying for two fucking weeks. I’ve never cried so much in my damn life.). I couldn’t fathom how it had happened. Then again a lot of times when it comes to you I can’t fathom a lot of things. I can’t understand how I let a kid (ah and I can practically hear you snapping at me for calling you kid) with curls in his eyes and freckles on his nose take a hold of my heart to the point of making me forget that I was a Starfleet Officer. Fuck professionalism. I was just supposed to pilot the Enterprise, not fall in love with a doe eyed teenager.
I remember shaking you. I said “come on” a lot and I told you to “wake the fuck up” at some point. You looked dead, you know. You were so cold, you were blue, your mouth was hanging open and your chest wasn’t moving. I tried to give you CPR but McCoy shoved me out of the way. “Pull yourself together, man!” he was yelling….
But I thought you were dead…
'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams.
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in...
This story is all out of order. Sorry about that. I guess I remember things funny. But then again so do you ha-ha (bad joke, I’m sorry about that too). See that was all at the end of everything, you almost drowning. First was how we got to that god-forsaken planet in the first place. When we beamed down, you and me and the Captain and Spock, everything fell apart right away. It wasn’t supposed to be like it was.
I don’t know what they saw in you that made them want you, Pavel. You have to know how hard I fought to keep you with me. Because they told us everything they were going to do. They told us how they would take you, torture you….make you their sex slave. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But this is where it gets hard. I don’t want to be the one to tell you all of this. There wasn’t anything we could do. They captured us too. Put us in a separate area. I spent three hours banging on the doors to get out. That’s what all those scars on my knuckles are from. I fucked them up pretty good down there.
We were in that room for twelve hours before the screaming started. It was you, you were screaming and begging and….God dammit…I’m glad you don’t remember that and I won’t (and can’t) go into details. But they had it on a screen in the cell. What they were doing to you, they made us watch. I had to watch you…It was like I was being ripped apart. You fought at first but eventually you gave in. You must have known it would make it easier. I know that you haven’t wanted me to touch you since you got back (even though you don’t really remember why) and I know you think this makes me upset. But I understand. I would understand if you never wanted to have sex with me again. I love making love to you fucking you having sex with you, you know that. But I love you more than I love that (I know, what kind of man am I!?) so if you want spend the rest of our lives celibate, fine. I don’t care. I just want you. Okay? So you can’t go anywhere on me. Not again.
And if I was brave I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission, to your eyes.
And I'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you who you are under their shell...
They drugged you. That’s why you can’t remember anything. It was so they could more easily manipulate you and they could convince you of things. The one time I was able to see you…See I tried all that time to escape. That’s all the cuts and scars and bruises I have. Most of them are from that. Getting the shit kicked out of me by the aliens. I know you’re going to get all upset over that but don’t. A few black eyes is shit compared to what you went through so don’t you even dare.
Anyways, one time I actually did it. I got away. Spock and Kirk stayed because all three of us wouldn’t be able to make it out together. I found you. You were surprisingly okay. Looked a little beat up and weather worn but still you. Except for your eyes. They were so hollow. You didn’t know who I was at that point. Just that you thought I was “a bad man”. So you screamed and yelled until the aliens came and found me trying to shake you out of it. I slapped you across the face at some point. Sorry about that. I was kind of freaking out. I was trying to hold you, kiss you, remind you of everything you are and we are beneath what they had made you into.
They had a guard in the room with us at all times after that. I always wondered why they didn’t poison us too, you know? Make us forget like you. It was like they knew what you meant to me and wanted to make me watch. But probably not. They wouldn’t have left Kirk and Spock there too. They would have taken one of them too and made the other watch. Not Spock most likely. Spock would probably have been indifferent. Or he would have pulled another Roaring Bridge Fight. Ha-ha…
Right sorry, back to the prison. I know that it doesn’t matter to you to hear what I would have done had I could. If I was braver, stronger, a better man, maybe then I could have saved you. But I’m not. I am not the good man everyone thinks I am. I just laid in that fucking cell crying and yelling for someone who didn’t even know who I was. It was pathetic. But if I could…if I could have done anything….I would have killed them all. Follow the very last of all them until I was covered in blood. I could stand with you in victory and hold you and make you better. But I couldn’t and don’t you see? It’s tearing me apart.
It was two weeks of that. Two weeks of those things…doing things to you….while I had to watch. But then they took you away where I couldn’t see. I don’t know what happened to you for that day you were out there. I’m sorry. All I know is that when McCoy, Uhura, and the 3 or 4 Ensigns they brought to help take us back came into that cell, I bolted. Uhura ran after me. I was searching for the aliens. I wanted to rip their throats out. But they’d already detained them. That’s when I found out we were on an island, surrounded by water on every side.
I have no fucking clue how I saw you in the water. It was so dark, I have no idea Pavel. But the landing party had caught up to us by then. I knocked out Uhura by then too. Sorry again for that. I feel like a dick. The fact that she’s being so nice about it I think makes it worse. Anyways, I saw you but McCoy tackled me before I could try to swim out there.
Okay so now you’re caught up to the beginning of the letter.
I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you
And if they sent a whirlwind I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born.
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
So here’s where I pour my heart out. It isn’t much. It certainly doesn’t make up for my failures or what those aliens did to you but I need you to know all of these things. Because if it ever happens again I can’t bear to not have you know. I’m not the best with words. Let’s face it I express my feelings about as well as a Spock (at least we can all agree I have a better sense of humor).
If there is a next time there won’t and can’t be a next time then I will not fail. If someone takes you away, I will always get you back. I would walk to the ends of the fucking universe. I’d walk through hell for you Pavel. I want to take all of the torture, the pain, everything just so you won’t have to feel any of that ever again. I can’t live without you. I can’t do it. We found each other for a reason and I will not let you go. I can’t even describe what it was like in that cell without you. All I wanted to do was hold you. Sometimes I would think you were dead and it felt so empty. Like my soul was gone or something. Maybe it just didn’t work, I don’t know.
Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you.
We’ve been together for a year and a half now. I know it started just as friends and then friends with benefits and then you had to go and be all, “Hikaru is my boyfriend!” while you were drunk that one night. Remember how I spit my drink all over Kirk?
So we were never real good at talking about this thing. We never said I love you. In all that time that I felt it I never said it. All those times as a kid when you hear to always tell people you love them because you never know what can happen? Yeah, they were right. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason. Which I think is also a cliche...
In that whole year and a half, everything was just so easy. It was just you and me and this damn ship. Now everything’s different. It has to be and it’ll never go back to the way it was before this. But maybe things can be okay anyway. Because I’m not going to leave you and I hope you don’t leave me.
I went through two weeks of hell on that planet. Even though you don’t remember it, you did too. McCoy tells me about the nightmares you have. He tells me that some things in your brain may never be the same. But I’ll still hold you all night, even if you wake up screaming. As long as you’re still Pavel, I will always love you.
Maybe we can just lay low for a while. Hang out in my room and watch movies together and kiss all night until you fall asleep in my arms. I want to be with you forever, you know. If you’ll have me. If we get drunk enough on the next shore leave I’ll buy you a silver ring and slip it on your finger when you aren’t looking so you can’t flail around (and yes you do flail). I could pretend that we’d get some little house together on Earth with a white picket fence, but you and I both know that even if we had literally walked through Hell together and fought Satan himself, we could never be away from space and the adventure for too long. This is our home. The Enterprise is our home. You’re my home.
...When the hell did I become such a sap?
All my love,
Hikaru
Rating: R (for language, suggested rape and torture by an alien race, lots of angst)
Pairing: Chekov/Sulu (with subtle Kirk/Spock)
Word Count: ~2,500
Summary: For this prompt on the kink meme. Disaster strikes for Chekov after a particularly troubled alien race captures and imprisons him. After the fact, Chekov can’t remember and he wants to know what has Sulu so torn apart. Sulu writes him a letter to explain everything to him. Title, song lyrics, and inspiration from the song A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything (because I couldn’t deny a prompt involving one of my favorite bands ever).
Notes: I wrote this quite a while ago but I've been missing fandom life. This was a fun little experiment in trying to write in a new way.
Dear Pavel,
Hey.
Wow, what a stupid way to start this letter. I wrote and rewrote that seven times. How are you? Oh god that was dumb too wasn’t it? I’ve never written a letter like this before. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter ever (maybe to a guy I liked in 5th grade…). But McCoy said I should. He said that it ought to be me who told you about everything that happened, but not in too much detail and that maybe it should be in the form of a letter. I think that part was for my sake. Also, to “talk about my feelings” which was not a direction from McCoy but from the psychiatrist. I couldn’t imagine Leonard McCoy ever suggesting to talk about feelings.
So it’s been a week. You’re still in sickbay, recovering. I know you think I barely visit you and that I’ve been avoiding you as much as possible but I come at night while you’re asleep every single night. That sounds fucking creepy, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do with everything yet. McCoy says it’s posttraumatic stress. He’s probably right. He is a Doctor, you know. Definitely not anything else. Ha-ha.
Anyway, I guess I have to tell you what happened then….
And if I could swim I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if was blessed I’d walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest.
You were out there in the water, Pavel. It was dark and choppy. I couldn’t do anything other than stand there and wait because I never learned how to swim. Not that I didn’t want to try, you have to understand that. McCoy and the Captain were holding me back while I fought against them. I was screaming into the darkness and it was so cold. The water was even colder than the air. McCoy was yelling at me to calm down. The Captain was pretty calm and focused, just letting me freak out. He was too busy trying to save you to worry about me trying to punch him in the nuts.
I love you. I just want you to know that right now. I love you more than any moon or stars in the entire galaxy. You’re my best friend, my lover, and my whole universe. If I could have, I would have swam swum? swam out there but I would have potentially killed us both in the process (later I regretted not just saying fuck it and going in after you anyway). There are a lot of things I would have done if I could. I would have walked across that water, gave you all the air in my lungs, taken your place out there.
When they finally pulled you out (the two Ensigns they sent out), I ran to you. I cried. I let it all out, everything I had been holding in (Yeah right, I’d been crying for two fucking weeks. I’ve never cried so much in my damn life.). I couldn’t fathom how it had happened. Then again a lot of times when it comes to you I can’t fathom a lot of things. I can’t understand how I let a kid (ah and I can practically hear you snapping at me for calling you kid) with curls in his eyes and freckles on his nose take a hold of my heart to the point of making me forget that I was a Starfleet Officer. Fuck professionalism. I was just supposed to pilot the Enterprise, not fall in love with a doe eyed teenager.
I remember shaking you. I said “come on” a lot and I told you to “wake the fuck up” at some point. You looked dead, you know. You were so cold, you were blue, your mouth was hanging open and your chest wasn’t moving. I tried to give you CPR but McCoy shoved me out of the way. “Pull yourself together, man!” he was yelling….
But I thought you were dead…
'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams.
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in...
This story is all out of order. Sorry about that. I guess I remember things funny. But then again so do you ha-ha (bad joke, I’m sorry about that too). See that was all at the end of everything, you almost drowning. First was how we got to that god-forsaken planet in the first place. When we beamed down, you and me and the Captain and Spock, everything fell apart right away. It wasn’t supposed to be like it was.
I don’t know what they saw in you that made them want you, Pavel. You have to know how hard I fought to keep you with me. Because they told us everything they were going to do. They told us how they would take you, torture you….make you their sex slave. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But this is where it gets hard. I don’t want to be the one to tell you all of this. There wasn’t anything we could do. They captured us too. Put us in a separate area. I spent three hours banging on the doors to get out. That’s what all those scars on my knuckles are from. I fucked them up pretty good down there.
We were in that room for twelve hours before the screaming started. It was you, you were screaming and begging and….God dammit…I’m glad you don’t remember that and I won’t (and can’t) go into details. But they had it on a screen in the cell. What they were doing to you, they made us watch. I had to watch you…It was like I was being ripped apart. You fought at first but eventually you gave in. You must have known it would make it easier. I know that you haven’t wanted me to touch you since you got back (even though you don’t really remember why) and I know you think this makes me upset. But I understand. I would understand if you never wanted to have sex with me again. I love making love to you fucking you having sex with you, you know that. But I love you more than I love that (I know, what kind of man am I!?) so if you want spend the rest of our lives celibate, fine. I don’t care. I just want you. Okay? So you can’t go anywhere on me. Not again.
And if I was brave I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission, to your eyes.
And I'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you who you are under their shell...
They drugged you. That’s why you can’t remember anything. It was so they could more easily manipulate you and they could convince you of things. The one time I was able to see you…See I tried all that time to escape. That’s all the cuts and scars and bruises I have. Most of them are from that. Getting the shit kicked out of me by the aliens. I know you’re going to get all upset over that but don’t. A few black eyes is shit compared to what you went through so don’t you even dare.
Anyways, one time I actually did it. I got away. Spock and Kirk stayed because all three of us wouldn’t be able to make it out together. I found you. You were surprisingly okay. Looked a little beat up and weather worn but still you. Except for your eyes. They were so hollow. You didn’t know who I was at that point. Just that you thought I was “a bad man”. So you screamed and yelled until the aliens came and found me trying to shake you out of it. I slapped you across the face at some point. Sorry about that. I was kind of freaking out. I was trying to hold you, kiss you, remind you of everything you are and we are beneath what they had made you into.
They had a guard in the room with us at all times after that. I always wondered why they didn’t poison us too, you know? Make us forget like you. It was like they knew what you meant to me and wanted to make me watch. But probably not. They wouldn’t have left Kirk and Spock there too. They would have taken one of them too and made the other watch. Not Spock most likely. Spock would probably have been indifferent. Or he would have pulled another Roaring Bridge Fight. Ha-ha…
Right sorry, back to the prison. I know that it doesn’t matter to you to hear what I would have done had I could. If I was braver, stronger, a better man, maybe then I could have saved you. But I’m not. I am not the good man everyone thinks I am. I just laid in that fucking cell crying and yelling for someone who didn’t even know who I was. It was pathetic. But if I could…if I could have done anything….I would have killed them all. Follow the very last of all them until I was covered in blood. I could stand with you in victory and hold you and make you better. But I couldn’t and don’t you see? It’s tearing me apart.
It was two weeks of that. Two weeks of those things…doing things to you….while I had to watch. But then they took you away where I couldn’t see. I don’t know what happened to you for that day you were out there. I’m sorry. All I know is that when McCoy, Uhura, and the 3 or 4 Ensigns they brought to help take us back came into that cell, I bolted. Uhura ran after me. I was searching for the aliens. I wanted to rip their throats out. But they’d already detained them. That’s when I found out we were on an island, surrounded by water on every side.
I have no fucking clue how I saw you in the water. It was so dark, I have no idea Pavel. But the landing party had caught up to us by then. I knocked out Uhura by then too. Sorry again for that. I feel like a dick. The fact that she’s being so nice about it I think makes it worse. Anyways, I saw you but McCoy tackled me before I could try to swim out there.
Okay so now you’re caught up to the beginning of the letter.
I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you
And if they sent a whirlwind I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born.
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
So here’s where I pour my heart out. It isn’t much. It certainly doesn’t make up for my failures or what those aliens did to you but I need you to know all of these things. Because if it ever happens again I can’t bear to not have you know. I’m not the best with words. Let’s face it I express my feelings about as well as a Spock (at least we can all agree I have a better sense of humor).
If there is a next time there won’t and can’t be a next time then I will not fail. If someone takes you away, I will always get you back. I would walk to the ends of the fucking universe. I’d walk through hell for you Pavel. I want to take all of the torture, the pain, everything just so you won’t have to feel any of that ever again. I can’t live without you. I can’t do it. We found each other for a reason and I will not let you go. I can’t even describe what it was like in that cell without you. All I wanted to do was hold you. Sometimes I would think you were dead and it felt so empty. Like my soul was gone or something. Maybe it just didn’t work, I don’t know.
Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you.
We’ve been together for a year and a half now. I know it started just as friends and then friends with benefits and then you had to go and be all, “Hikaru is my boyfriend!” while you were drunk that one night. Remember how I spit my drink all over Kirk?
So we were never real good at talking about this thing. We never said I love you. In all that time that I felt it I never said it. All those times as a kid when you hear to always tell people you love them because you never know what can happen? Yeah, they were right. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason. Which I think is also a cliche...
In that whole year and a half, everything was just so easy. It was just you and me and this damn ship. Now everything’s different. It has to be and it’ll never go back to the way it was before this. But maybe things can be okay anyway. Because I’m not going to leave you and I hope you don’t leave me.
I went through two weeks of hell on that planet. Even though you don’t remember it, you did too. McCoy tells me about the nightmares you have. He tells me that some things in your brain may never be the same. But I’ll still hold you all night, even if you wake up screaming. As long as you’re still Pavel, I will always love you.
Maybe we can just lay low for a while. Hang out in my room and watch movies together and kiss all night until you fall asleep in my arms. I want to be with you forever, you know. If you’ll have me. If we get drunk enough on the next shore leave I’ll buy you a silver ring and slip it on your finger when you aren’t looking so you can’t flail around (and yes you do flail). I could pretend that we’d get some little house together on Earth with a white picket fence, but you and I both know that even if we had literally walked through Hell together and fought Satan himself, we could never be away from space and the adventure for too long. This is our home. The Enterprise is our home. You’re my home.
...When the hell did I become such a sap?
All my love,
Hikaru