Confessional

Sep 15, 2005 12:03

Routine makes many sufferings bearable. I'm glad to be back into school full-swing...taking additional french and yoga on top of the course load.

I've been invited to present again in Wisconsin, which leaves me little time to put my research in order. The topic will be "Film Exhibition as Resistance to the Hollywood Machine", a paper I've been picking away at for a few months now which examines alternatives to the common, ritualized "black box" film screening environment, questioning the line between art installation and cinema (suprisingly, directors and artists tend to draw a distinct line between the two--though I argue that it is an obscure line based more upon choice of exhibition venue and sources of funding rather than any aspect of the film or installation piece).

On a more personal note, I have come upon a book called "The Stormy Search For the Self" by Christina and Stanislav Grof. I first read S. Grof in my late teens, when I became curious about LSD Psychotherapy, Terrance McKenna, Mondo 2000, ect. Recently, I have been questioning my relationship to reality and falling into wells of depair. As I looked into sources of potential help, I came upon "transpersonal psychology", which has lead me back to the Grofs and their concept of "Spiritual Emergency".

I have always possessed intense intuition when it comes to people--extreme empathy or telepathy--that leads to my being overwhelmed by the energies of those around me. In today's society, particularly in NYC, people are tense, unhappy, feeling alienated--and I pick up on this and it eats at me--on top of my other personal issues. Many people have pointed out that I am way too sensitive to people, I think that this is a major factor in my personal issues--this sensitivity coupled with a fixation on situations that I feel the need to remedy/change.

Also, I have been having visions lately. I see animals running up to me that simply are not there, children or dwarf-like, shadow men lurking around that also disappear. Sometimes, reality cracks wide and I become a portal--words rush out in a disjointed narrative as I watch light project from eyes and halos form on those around me. But that is more rare than the animal/child contact and comes at times of extreme trauma. I am convinced that these are not drug related. It's strange.

The Grof book postualtes that there is a difference between people with genuine mental disorders and those who are on encountering crisis points on the path to spiritual transformation. The former need medications and traditional treatment in order to function in society, the latter can push through situations by becoming more in tune with themselves and their particular spiritual awakening by getting shaministic guidance or help from a transpersonal psychologist that considers non-drug induced, altered states of consciousness normal for those on the road to transcendence.

I am rethinking my world.
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