adulting
I had a recent conversation with Wolf about Mitchell, a guy who's been staying with us. Mitchell is leaving on December 26th because I said he could stay until Christmas. I'm looking forward more to his leaving than actual Christmas.
This is because Mitchell is a 24 year old with the emotional/acting maturity of a 14 year old. I feel sympathy for him, which is why I took him in. But his inability to follow my rules has earned him the door. Let me tell you: once I've taken someone in, it takes a lot for me to kick them out.
Anyway. I was thinking about what it meant to me to be an adult, and I looked at some definitions. Here is what I've come up with. I was going to give this to Wolf because he still wasn't sure what I was getting at.
Feel free to add your own examples!
1) Adults are able to choose between acting intellectually/rationally or emotionally/by gut.
Adults are able to see what the rational action is, what their emotional response is, and act by choice as they desire. So, for example, if you're working at McDonalds and your manager screams at you for the 4th time about something that you had no control over, do you consciously make the choice to either blink, nod, and move "find a new job" up your priority list, or scream back at him "Fuck this job! I'm out of here!" In this situation, someone operating in child mode will likely act out emotionally and then bemoan the fact that they are suddenly without a job. You can't help how you feel, but you can decide how to act. Adults can control their actions to emotions - they feel anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, and loathing -- but they decide how they're going to act on those emotions.
2) Adults can figure out what they want and then get there.
Adults are able to figure out what's important when looking at the long game. They can visualize something they want, plan what they need to do to get it, and then stick to the plan -- even if they have setbacks. Someone who's living in child mode will be pushed here and there by circumstances, and then blame their lack of achieving what they want on someone else or bad luck. And when an adult has a "bad luck" incident, they deal with it rationally instead of bouncing around like a freaking pinball emotional wreck. I have always said to my kids "An adult does the odious task. Because they have to. And they don't bemoan doing an odious task because they know that all adults do the odious task so whining about it just makes you look childish."
Also, adults learn from their mistakes. If they do something that earns them a negative repercussion, they own up to it and decide if they want to change something. For example, when an adult gets a speeding ticket, they don't blame the cop or the kids acting up in the back seat. They own up to what they did, and if not getting speeding tickets (and being a safer driver!) is important to them, they slow down. If they keep getting tickets, they don't blame their faulty speedometer or say that it's all the city's fault for setting a speed trap. Adults recognize when they've done something stupid or hurtful, and decide if they want to change their actions.
3) Adults want equality in relationships.
I cringe when I see childish romantic relationships, and I see it a lot. Like, I've been there and sometime am still there and we work on it. Bonus points for knowing that mutual goals and complementing personalities help relationships work. The main thing is that adults look for other adults to have relationships with; they look for someone who can both give and receive love, and who treats them with the respect of one adult to another. Someone in child mode gets in relationships that fulfill some role that they must play against - mommy or daddy, rescuer or victim, etc. In my experience, the childish adult most often fails in the respect aspect of a loving relationship, because to really respect someone, you have to trust them, and childish adults usually had a messed up childhood, so they have trouble understanding how trust works. Childish adults don't trust, but at the same time don't understand when people don't trust them.
4) Adults are both open to new experiences and open to concrete criticism
"Talk to the hand" was a big thing 90s. Childish adults don't have a strong enough sense of who they are and what's important to them to bear criticism. You know that feeling of when you were a kid and your mom or dad was yelling at you for something that you knew you'd done that deserved criticism? That shoulders-around-your-ears, you want to just curl up because everyone hates you now feeling? That's what childish adults feel when they're criticized. Adults are able to look criticism in the face, judge whether it's valid, and then decide if they want to make a change. Adults trust their own judgement in themselves. The same is true about new experiences. We always talk about childish wonder, but childish wonder requires that the child be able to trust that someone will protect them from the harm that this unknown might bring. As an adult, wonder takes self trust. Adults trusts themselves to know what they're going to like or not like, what will harm them or not, and their own ability to plan and execute. They trust their ability to "look down the road". And so they're willing to give something a try, knowing that they will protect themselves from harm.
5) Adults take an active role in their destiny, and understand that they have personal power
This is the core of the freaking pinball emotional wreck: childish adults are passive. They react instead of choosing an action. I use a driving the car analogy: when you are driving a car, you look ahead, making sure your way is clear, watching the other drivers. You look to the side and even behind you. If someone is driving like an idiot, you get out of their way because you don't want to be in their accident zone. A childish adult "drives" life by looking at the clouds, or their interesting hood ornament, or are having an animated conversation with their passenger. And then when they get into an accident it was someone else's fault or bad luck. And then, instead of dealing with the result of the accident, they sit on the side of the road, helplessly weeping and moaning about their fate. Sometimes, if the accident was bad enough, there is cause to weep, moan, and just lie down -- but an adult will make themselves get up to deal with shit, and a child won't.
Adults "Do what you say and say what you do." They know that they have power, and that with power comes responsibility. Adults don't make idle promises. Especially to the people who depend on them and who have little power. Sometimes shit happens and an adult makes a promise that they can't make good -- at that point, an adult owns up to not being able to fulfill their promise, apologizes, and attempts to make amends. The second half of that, the "say what you do" is all about taking responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to their mistakes.
This is also the "you can't help how you feel, but you can decide how to act" thing. Sometimes I want a damned doughnut for breakfast and I eat one; sometimes I want a damned doughnut and decide that I don't want to experience the sugar rush-and-fall. I don't just eat a doughnut and then bemoan the necessity of the rush-and-fall because I couldn't help myself and just had to choose the doughnut.
5) Adults know that all adults sometimes act childish
All of these flow from one to another and are really one big thing with parts that work together. But there's a final piece: being an adult is not a place or a thing. It's a work that's in continuous development. You're never "there." Well, I haven't been, anyway. And I would probably give someone the hairy eyeball if they said that they never acted childishly. Oh! And being an adult doesn't mean that that person is a good person. I've known some pretty shitty adults who, for example, know that they are causing hurt or doing things that might cause harm to others, and just don't care.
Originally posted to Dreamwidth, were there are
comments. Dreamwidth comments
This is because Mitchell is a 24 year old with the emotional/acting maturity of a 14 year old. I feel sympathy for him, which is why I took him in. But his inability to follow my rules has earned him the door. Let me tell you: once I've taken someone in, it takes a lot for me to kick them out.
Anyway. I was thinking about what it meant to me to be an adult, and I looked at some definitions. Here is what I've come up with. I was going to give this to Wolf because he still wasn't sure what I was getting at.
Feel free to add your own examples!
1) Adults are able to choose between acting intellectually/rationally or emotionally/by gut.
Adults are able to see what the rational action is, what their emotional response is, and act by choice as they desire. So, for example, if you're working at McDonalds and your manager screams at you for the 4th time about something that you had no control over, do you consciously make the choice to either blink, nod, and move "find a new job" up your priority list, or scream back at him "Fuck this job! I'm out of here!" In this situation, someone operating in child mode will likely act out emotionally and then bemoan the fact that they are suddenly without a job. You can't help how you feel, but you can decide how to act. Adults can control their actions to emotions - they feel anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, and loathing -- but they decide how they're going to act on those emotions.
2) Adults can figure out what they want and then get there.
Adults are able to figure out what's important when looking at the long game. They can visualize something they want, plan what they need to do to get it, and then stick to the plan -- even if they have setbacks. Someone who's living in child mode will be pushed here and there by circumstances, and then blame their lack of achieving what they want on someone else or bad luck. And when an adult has a "bad luck" incident, they deal with it rationally instead of bouncing around like a freaking pinball emotional wreck. I have always said to my kids "An adult does the odious task. Because they have to. And they don't bemoan doing an odious task because they know that all adults do the odious task so whining about it just makes you look childish."
Also, adults learn from their mistakes. If they do something that earns them a negative repercussion, they own up to it and decide if they want to change something. For example, when an adult gets a speeding ticket, they don't blame the cop or the kids acting up in the back seat. They own up to what they did, and if not getting speeding tickets (and being a safer driver!) is important to them, they slow down. If they keep getting tickets, they don't blame their faulty speedometer or say that it's all the city's fault for setting a speed trap. Adults recognize when they've done something stupid or hurtful, and decide if they want to change their actions.
3) Adults want equality in relationships.
I cringe when I see childish romantic relationships, and I see it a lot. Like, I've been there and sometime am still there and we work on it. Bonus points for knowing that mutual goals and complementing personalities help relationships work. The main thing is that adults look for other adults to have relationships with; they look for someone who can both give and receive love, and who treats them with the respect of one adult to another. Someone in child mode gets in relationships that fulfill some role that they must play against - mommy or daddy, rescuer or victim, etc. In my experience, the childish adult most often fails in the respect aspect of a loving relationship, because to really respect someone, you have to trust them, and childish adults usually had a messed up childhood, so they have trouble understanding how trust works. Childish adults don't trust, but at the same time don't understand when people don't trust them.
4) Adults are both open to new experiences and open to concrete criticism
"Talk to the hand" was a big thing 90s. Childish adults don't have a strong enough sense of who they are and what's important to them to bear criticism. You know that feeling of when you were a kid and your mom or dad was yelling at you for something that you knew you'd done that deserved criticism? That shoulders-around-your-ears, you want to just curl up because everyone hates you now feeling? That's what childish adults feel when they're criticized. Adults are able to look criticism in the face, judge whether it's valid, and then decide if they want to make a change. Adults trust their own judgement in themselves. The same is true about new experiences. We always talk about childish wonder, but childish wonder requires that the child be able to trust that someone will protect them from the harm that this unknown might bring. As an adult, wonder takes self trust. Adults trusts themselves to know what they're going to like or not like, what will harm them or not, and their own ability to plan and execute. They trust their ability to "look down the road". And so they're willing to give something a try, knowing that they will protect themselves from harm.
5) Adults take an active role in their destiny, and understand that they have personal power
This is the core of the freaking pinball emotional wreck: childish adults are passive. They react instead of choosing an action. I use a driving the car analogy: when you are driving a car, you look ahead, making sure your way is clear, watching the other drivers. You look to the side and even behind you. If someone is driving like an idiot, you get out of their way because you don't want to be in their accident zone. A childish adult "drives" life by looking at the clouds, or their interesting hood ornament, or are having an animated conversation with their passenger. And then when they get into an accident it was someone else's fault or bad luck. And then, instead of dealing with the result of the accident, they sit on the side of the road, helplessly weeping and moaning about their fate. Sometimes, if the accident was bad enough, there is cause to weep, moan, and just lie down -- but an adult will make themselves get up to deal with shit, and a child won't.
Adults "Do what you say and say what you do." They know that they have power, and that with power comes responsibility. Adults don't make idle promises. Especially to the people who depend on them and who have little power. Sometimes shit happens and an adult makes a promise that they can't make good -- at that point, an adult owns up to not being able to fulfill their promise, apologizes, and attempts to make amends. The second half of that, the "say what you do" is all about taking responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to their mistakes.
This is also the "you can't help how you feel, but you can decide how to act" thing. Sometimes I want a damned doughnut for breakfast and I eat one; sometimes I want a damned doughnut and decide that I don't want to experience the sugar rush-and-fall. I don't just eat a doughnut and then bemoan the necessity of the rush-and-fall because I couldn't help myself and just had to choose the doughnut.
5) Adults know that all adults sometimes act childish
All of these flow from one to another and are really one big thing with parts that work together. But there's a final piece: being an adult is not a place or a thing. It's a work that's in continuous development. You're never "there." Well, I haven't been, anyway. And I would probably give someone the hairy eyeball if they said that they never acted childishly. Oh! And being an adult doesn't mean that that person is a good person. I've known some pretty shitty adults who, for example, know that they are causing hurt or doing things that might cause harm to others, and just don't care.
Originally posted to Dreamwidth, were there are
comments. Dreamwidth comments