Falling for a sadist pt 2.
A can only give me exactly what he puts out there for me to pick over. He is cocky and smart and handsome. Like everyone with rose colored glasses i know that im seeing red. His anti-social behavior is dismissed quickly when you want everything to work. I have my own inclination to stave off attention from most people. I didnt see this as a warning. Toxic man ahead!!! The scubus was suppose to be very good looking despite its obvious intent. Pushing you to your limits to see how much bullshit and smarm you can handle.
So I find myself accepting his rampant and sometimes over the top sexuality. (Because are you not a good open person if you accept someone that might have an addiction?) I embrace it as a human flaw because of course we humans have our defections. I dont want to be uptight at all. We ala have "defections" that we are silently trying to overcome. A blight that i know all to well, keeping my judgement surpressed.
I should have turned away at this point in time. Not do to the sexual promiscuity but to the expectation this set up. A, a man acknowledging his troubling sex problems with little effort to show discomfort in it, still had his hooks in me. This is of course all me. I could have yanked them out before they sank any deeper. What kind of idiot doesnt have self control. I find myself shrugging now...me???
Yes... Me. No sense of actual terror when the alarm bells are ringing to the point of shrill pandamonium. They are screaming at me and if i where the bells id give up. Im gone. Im infatuated in a way i havent been in a long while. Maybe i like that. Its a disturbing thought. There is no such thing as infatuation so strong that you can no longer hear.
He has not had good long lasting relationships. He has various sexual fetishes (while they do not shock me they leave me puzzled). He wants a victorian "avid reader" type. Someone to constantly converse with depsite the conversation have little to no value for the reader.
He wants a girlfriend despite his never ending insaitable lust for bodies. He is like a warewolf in Alaska. He has no desire (or has trouble) making connections with other people. He is the alpha, there are no others on his level. He covers his pandering, dismissals and passive agression in thinly vieled jabs and jokes. He passion overflows into entitlement which im not sure he is even aware of.
There is i fear, a small part of him yearning for actual affection and desire. It makes you want to make it work. He tells me that he wants love and compaionship but dangles the fruit of sleeping with other women in front of my face. Am I to believe this is another "joke", it must be...because A is "smart" and i dont get it. I must be overreacting. When the gaslighting began I became instantly enraged.
I will admit to being a novice in the ways of dating (which he dutifully pointed out). I dont know if people becoming "serious" should talk multiple times a day or for extended hours. But to only to turn around and say that i am mistaken, we are in fact not dating! He can sleep with other girls and i can give other men oral pleasure. I should save myself for him until we can truly date. Hearing this drove me into the wall. But i heeded. Becaue he was and is partially right. We are not exclusive and i had never thought to think of it that way.
He had pushed most of the closeness we had gained through our interactions. He had expressed the need for the mushy gushing, despite how much i internally craved to supress it. I somehow ignored the casually mentioned line up of sexual partners waiting in the wings. Being tired and not knowing if this was another one of his jokes i waited for the punchline. There was none. Who knows what my reaction was meant to be but i remained silent. Like i had oddly done for various other jarring comments made frequently.
Constant critiques of my dedication and drive despite knowing nothing of my work. The excuses where always that i had told A enough to make good judgement. Good judgement my fucking ass. How can you pretend to know someone you dont ask about? And there it is. You dont really care. You are "preying" on someone you see as weak and just having a blast. The constant need to sexualize me (given that i was willing and wanting it) started to grate my nevres.
My lack of constant "penetration mode" seemed bothersome to A. Despite my being very willing to comply with alot of sexual favors (non-physical) I was still pressured. When i drew the line and could not muster up he energy to do anything for someone dropping hints of sleeping with others, the various faceless and namless women where dragged before me to gawk at. Names that i could not confirm or dismiss. He may very well sleep with these women and is the imagination that becomes the big man ith the whip and chains. Not him. Be it to tourture me for personal glee or shame me into a choice the fire i had been burning inside of me flitted out.
It was the sharp gust of wind i needed to shutter it out. My lack of enthusiasm about exacting sexual favors was the first time i started to hear complaints of me being "emotionally distant" or "monotone" and unready for dating ( another vieled jab at my supposed undateablity). When i would try to frankly discuss how i felt i got nothing. I was suddenly "lifeless". If i was so boring and mean why was i even interesting past the first conversation? Why bother continuing? Denial. I felt such coldness and denial I started to wonder and some ideas took form.
This person is a sadist. His gets off on degredation and he gaslights and turns off his emtions at the slightest hint of not getting his needs met. I was falling for more than a master manipulator. I was falling for someone who lacked empathy.
Someone with such little interest in my personaly life that he dismissed personal suggestions about my characater because he didnt "gleam" those qualities from me. His sexual appitite insighted fear in me that he was so ravinous that i would not be able to keep up. I would be come a thing to have had and desired once. I was to be made special by his feelings that he still desired me. I was a tyrant in so many words and yet, i was still the choosen one. Apparently sex with others wouldnt matter because I was special.
I was not an indiviual with flaws but a deeply passable person with who"normally" would have been discarded as a potiental mate already. I felt the attempted build up from him. A, and perhaps other must think thay they make you feel you've got a chance so she feels wanted but let her know shes nothing special because lets face it, who is? What girl is special enough for a man to put aside his perfectly normal desires? What girl is good enough to put up with for this long?
Shes not particularly smart or at least he wont allow you to think you are. They hide a good portion of the venom behind sarcasm. They will have emotional blow ups over small things and continue to call you to question your own descisions. I told A about plans i had and because of this bizzare need to control my actions to fit his needs he began to question me rapidly. Most know that once somone has denied or confirmed something as far as they are willing to elaborate it is time to let it go.
My explainations for things did where not good enough. My choices never "made sense" to him so he would constantly ask me to change my answer. I now realize that i was too bewildered by this need to control the conversation I forgot that my business is my business alone. What I choose to tell others is just that, what I choose. Nothing more or less and what largely impacts me is not something i need a harsh cheerleader to steer me on.
I did not understand his true interest in me until I realized the intent. I am a shiny new thing to be pondered over. I had given him several outs on which to discontinue communication. I then remembered that this person is a sadist. Not a so called "realist" but an actual emotional sadist.
I was not to end things I realized. He had to be the one to sqaush the bug. He needed to. He had to feel as if he had won. I was no longer fooled by attempts to satisfy me when he desired to keep contact only to later state that he was not "sure" about me. Hearing me confess that I felt strongly for him (which I did and still do) and never hearing it said once back.
This toxic power play created a lump in my throat once I trained my eye on it. An ever moving lazer drifting around between comforting, passive and cruel. Im learning how to never become a target again.