There's a natural mystic blowing through the air
I've been putting this entry off for too long. My head is about to explode.
And this is one I want people to see.
There was no soccer tonight.
In my search to see if it was at Seymour instead, I went back in time. It's really strange to be feeling the same way I did a year ago. It's almost like it is last year, but then I snap out of it and realize that nothing is the same as it was then.
This isn't a bad thing, but it makes me sad nonetheless.
Last night was very nostalgic. I went to Brian's for a party with the youth group [of which I am no longer a member] and we had hot dogs and such, and a water balloon fight. The Marcys were horrible! Don and Cam got me the worst. I only threw one at Paul, and that was because he threw one at me first. AND I did not have a towel or extra clothes. No excuses; Brian even called beforehand and warned me about the fight.
Soon enough it was just the Megans, Brian, Cam, Don, Ben, and myself...swatting mosquitoes away, until we decided to rent "The Butterfly Effect." Cam and Don brought their dad's Geo Tracker, and all of us managed to pile into it to go to the video store. The Megans, Cam, and I were in the back. It was windy. It was tight. And highly illegal.
But in that moment, I was exactly where I wanted to be. A part of the group again.
Things aren't the same, and I know they probably won't ever be the same. But that doesn't mean things can't be as good. Last night gave me hope about everything that has been ripping my insides apart for months. But I know better than to get my hopes up too much, because every time I do, they're torn from me again. I can't rush this. It will take time.
A lot of things have happened in two months though. Things of which I'm not a part. That's what I hate the most. But something happened that has brought great relief. Brian and Megan have to wait a year to move to Florida because they don't have enough money. When she told me in the Geo I almost didn't believe it. And while I feel really badly that they can't go because I know how much they want to, it meant the thing I hated more than almost anything was gone. Not an issue. Just like that. Two months ago this would've meant an extra year with my close friends. Now it means an extra year to become close friends with them again. I'm almost crying because this means I have another chance. There are so many things I want to do differently this time around. Because I've seen my life without them. And as much as I said I didn't need them in my life, I want them in my life.
With the arrival of summer comes a feeling. Something you feel deep inside yourself; something you can't explain. But I think everyone feels it at one point or another...when school gets out your senior year, and you find yourself driving around town by yourself, listening to the radio with the windows down, catching a glimpse of the orange and black tassel hanging from your rear view mirror. You feel so mature, yet old--young and alive, yet naive. Everything has come to an end, and yet nothing has begun at all. It's a very solemn feeling. A feeling of anxiety, of not knowing what's coming your way, yet awaiting it in anticipation.
And I hate it and love it at the same time.
I felt that feeling last night and tonight. But this time I have a good idea of what is ahead of me. I've experienced most of it before and I know what to expect for the most part. I don't know where I'm going with this thought. Just an observation I guess.
The rest of my weekend was filled with shopping for a dress for Kelly's wedding, and coming home with shirts and shorts and no dress. Those I tried on made me laugh at how ridiculous I looked. I could've been pregnant and you wouldn't have been able to tell.
I also went to see "Poseidon" with Ash and Mike on Friday, then after the alumni game on Saturday we + Tommy and Ash's 'brothers' went and saw "X-Men 3" since it was sold out after we got out of "Poseidon" the night before.
Okay, so the alumni game was AMAZING. I am so so so out of shape, and almost died, but it was the most fun I've had in a very long time. I can't even explain it. I am so jealous of the high school girls because they get to play every day. I didn't realize how seldom I would play after high school. I took it for granted. I won't anymore. If I do I have to slap myself in the face anyway.
I was planning on having people over Friday night since it's my birthday, but Michael reminded me that it's the same night as Stephen's open house, which means that like half the people I wanted to come would be over at his house. I don't know what I'm going to do. He said to come over to his house, but I wasn't invited so I said I would feel intrusive, but he assured me it would be fine. I especially like this part:
MesaBoogie5: Okay, Annie.
MesaBoogie5: Think like a guy for me.
Orphan205: haha.
MesaBoogie5: Food.
MesaBoogie5: Fun.
MesaBoogie5: Friends.
MesaBoogie5: Someone would have to specifically tell you not to show up.
MesaBoogie5: And even then you'd probably try to sneak in.
So...yeah. I don't know what's going on. I'm really disappointed though. I never have people over, and it's the first time my birthday has been on a Friday in years and this happens. Figures.
I applied to about 8 stores in Birch Run today. Someone pleeeeaaase call me.
There's a natural mystic blowing through the air
If you listen carefully now you will hear
This could be the first trumpet
Might as well be the last
Cause things are not the way they used to be now
I won't tell no lies
I'm still in this slump. This place where I can't seem to belong. I mean really belong. I said before what I wanted: I want to want to be with someone and not have them want to be with someone else.
And the search continues. Until then, I guess the loneliness will remain.
Ugh. Now I sound depressed. I have sounded depressed for a while. I'm not really, I'm just not comfortable here. Everyone is so distant. Especially the person to whom I was closest. Now that's depressing.
And this is one I want people to see.
There was no soccer tonight.
In my search to see if it was at Seymour instead, I went back in time. It's really strange to be feeling the same way I did a year ago. It's almost like it is last year, but then I snap out of it and realize that nothing is the same as it was then.
This isn't a bad thing, but it makes me sad nonetheless.
Last night was very nostalgic. I went to Brian's for a party with the youth group [of which I am no longer a member] and we had hot dogs and such, and a water balloon fight. The Marcys were horrible! Don and Cam got me the worst. I only threw one at Paul, and that was because he threw one at me first. AND I did not have a towel or extra clothes. No excuses; Brian even called beforehand and warned me about the fight.
Soon enough it was just the Megans, Brian, Cam, Don, Ben, and myself...swatting mosquitoes away, until we decided to rent "The Butterfly Effect." Cam and Don brought their dad's Geo Tracker, and all of us managed to pile into it to go to the video store. The Megans, Cam, and I were in the back. It was windy. It was tight. And highly illegal.
But in that moment, I was exactly where I wanted to be. A part of the group again.
Things aren't the same, and I know they probably won't ever be the same. But that doesn't mean things can't be as good. Last night gave me hope about everything that has been ripping my insides apart for months. But I know better than to get my hopes up too much, because every time I do, they're torn from me again. I can't rush this. It will take time.
A lot of things have happened in two months though. Things of which I'm not a part. That's what I hate the most. But something happened that has brought great relief. Brian and Megan have to wait a year to move to Florida because they don't have enough money. When she told me in the Geo I almost didn't believe it. And while I feel really badly that they can't go because I know how much they want to, it meant the thing I hated more than almost anything was gone. Not an issue. Just like that. Two months ago this would've meant an extra year with my close friends. Now it means an extra year to become close friends with them again. I'm almost crying because this means I have another chance. There are so many things I want to do differently this time around. Because I've seen my life without them. And as much as I said I didn't need them in my life, I want them in my life.
With the arrival of summer comes a feeling. Something you feel deep inside yourself; something you can't explain. But I think everyone feels it at one point or another...when school gets out your senior year, and you find yourself driving around town by yourself, listening to the radio with the windows down, catching a glimpse of the orange and black tassel hanging from your rear view mirror. You feel so mature, yet old--young and alive, yet naive. Everything has come to an end, and yet nothing has begun at all. It's a very solemn feeling. A feeling of anxiety, of not knowing what's coming your way, yet awaiting it in anticipation.
And I hate it and love it at the same time.
I felt that feeling last night and tonight. But this time I have a good idea of what is ahead of me. I've experienced most of it before and I know what to expect for the most part. I don't know where I'm going with this thought. Just an observation I guess.
The rest of my weekend was filled with shopping for a dress for Kelly's wedding, and coming home with shirts and shorts and no dress. Those I tried on made me laugh at how ridiculous I looked. I could've been pregnant and you wouldn't have been able to tell.
I also went to see "Poseidon" with Ash and Mike on Friday, then after the alumni game on Saturday we + Tommy and Ash's 'brothers' went and saw "X-Men 3" since it was sold out after we got out of "Poseidon" the night before.
Okay, so the alumni game was AMAZING. I am so so so out of shape, and almost died, but it was the most fun I've had in a very long time. I can't even explain it. I am so jealous of the high school girls because they get to play every day. I didn't realize how seldom I would play after high school. I took it for granted. I won't anymore. If I do I have to slap myself in the face anyway.
I was planning on having people over Friday night since it's my birthday, but Michael reminded me that it's the same night as Stephen's open house, which means that like half the people I wanted to come would be over at his house. I don't know what I'm going to do. He said to come over to his house, but I wasn't invited so I said I would feel intrusive, but he assured me it would be fine. I especially like this part:
MesaBoogie5: Okay, Annie.
MesaBoogie5: Think like a guy for me.
Orphan205: haha.
MesaBoogie5: Food.
MesaBoogie5: Fun.
MesaBoogie5: Friends.
MesaBoogie5: Someone would have to specifically tell you not to show up.
MesaBoogie5: And even then you'd probably try to sneak in.
So...yeah. I don't know what's going on. I'm really disappointed though. I never have people over, and it's the first time my birthday has been on a Friday in years and this happens. Figures.
I applied to about 8 stores in Birch Run today. Someone pleeeeaaase call me.
There's a natural mystic blowing through the air
If you listen carefully now you will hear
This could be the first trumpet
Might as well be the last
Cause things are not the way they used to be now
I won't tell no lies
I'm still in this slump. This place where I can't seem to belong. I mean really belong. I said before what I wanted: I want to want to be with someone and not have them want to be with someone else.
And the search continues. Until then, I guess the loneliness will remain.
Ugh. Now I sound depressed. I have sounded depressed for a while. I'm not really, I'm just not comfortable here. Everyone is so distant. Especially the person to whom I was closest. Now that's depressing.