If it means nothing to you...Why do you sing with me at all?
Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away
I want a fairytale. I want something crazy. I want something big. I want something outrageous. I want what I want. And I won't settle for anything less.
I just spent like an hour and a half drinking coffee and talking to Brandon about Brian and how I shouldn't settle for anyone. It was a really, really good talk. I love talking with him because he has so many good, honest things to say, and he always makes me feel better. He told me a lot about Alisha, his new girlfriend. I am so excited for him, because this is "the one" for him. They've only been dating for like a week, but they already know. He said when it's right, you don't have to work at it. It'll just happen. Hearing his stories about her and everything, oh man they're perfect together, and I'm really so happy for him. He is one of my biggest role models and I know he deserves this. Oh but I'm also way jealous, because I want to find "the one" for me too. I hate waiting. But you know what, I'm okay with that. It will turn out the way I need and want it to, and it'll be fabulous. He told me to be selfish; if there are things that I have in mind for the guy I want to be with, I shouldn't give those up. If I really want someone who's smarter than I am, then I shouldn't settle for anyone who isn't. If I want someone who is going to challenge me in every possible way, I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't. I deserve better, and he made me see that. It was incredible; he just made me feel so much better about everything. I don't need a best friend who falls asleep on the couch while talking to me. I deserve better. [That is not what this is about, either. It's not just this. It's everything. And unless I can see your face, I'm not saying anything to you about it.]
He also made me realize that I have to do some things before I'll be ready. He told me about how he took a week off to just be alone and not do anything with anyone else. It was just him and God. That sounds so nice. I don't know if I could actually do that, but I think that would be awesome...just figure out who you are, what you need to work on, what you need from a spouse, what you can offer a spouse. That's so tempting, because I don't really know the answers to those questions. Not completely at least. And I'd really like to figure that out. I don't necessarily think I could do that this week or next, but I'd like to in the near future.
Dating is on the bottom of my list for the time being. Talking to Brandon made me see that I'm not ready; I have things to work on and learn about Him and myself. And I can't be ready if I never explore those areas.
When the time comes, I want to be ready. When the time comes, I will be ready.
Basically, I've realized that God hasn't left me alone. [At this moment] I feel okay about the whole Brian situation. Talking to him now just doesn't seem like something I need right now. And I'm okay with that. God has blessed me so much with other friends, and I'm finally realizing that. I deserve friends who really care about me, and who care enough about me to work at our friendship. I have never been one to do that, but I want that to change. I want friends who will be there for me through anything, and I now know that I deserve that as well. So when I go home, I don't know what is going to happen, but I don't really have a strong desire to spend time with people with whom I usually spend time. It's not that I don't want to be friends with them, but for the first time since I've been at college, I've come to terms with the fact that I don't need to be close to people just because that's how it used to be. We've all changed; that's just what happens. And I'm okay with that too. [I know that this is probably going to get me into trouble, so don't take this the wrong way. I still love all of you, but certain things that have happened have made me see that I don't know if anything will ever be as it was.]
I'm tired of feeling like I care more about people than they do about me. It's time to leave that behind.
I'm not bitter. I'm not angry. I'm just finally realizing that I'm going to be okay without you. Because you've shown me that you're okay without me.
Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man's need to cry
He came back the other day, you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same
Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time
Today was a long day. Not a bad thing, however. I think I need these days. These days are the days I feel most alive.
I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go to CRU, but I showed up at the MLB just as Brandon and Whitney walked outside. I asked about Brandon's new girlfriend [I love how he talks about her...I can tell in his voice she's incredible...I can tell in his voice he loves her...I want that; I want a guy to be like that about me, and I want to be like that about a guy.], and he told me "the story" about how and when as we walked to Leah's dance at 9. It was so cute...so perfect for them. I want something like that. Almost like a scavenger hunt. I love scavenger hunts. Then after the dance [which was AWESOME] we threw the frisbee around until some went one way to go bowling I think, while Whitney, Brandon, Jesus, Michelle, Leah, two other guys, and myself went to Rendezvous. Brandon bought me some gelato because he owed me from the last time we got coffee there. I got strawberry and he got mango. We got three free samples too...the guy was just whipping them out for us; it was awesome. Brandon only bought something because he felt sorry for taking so many samples, hah. Oh and I'd totally be going to Western tomorrow if SOMEONE wasn't at Central...haha. Hopefully Brandon will be going again on a weekend that's good for both of us so I can finally pay a visit...
Oh and he made me a Damien Rice CD. SCORE.
It's time for me to move on. And so that's what I'm going to do.
Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
For what I give to you
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me