Like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell
This is probably the first time I've ever really understood that I am not in control of my life. I've admitted it before, but never really understood it. It doesn't matter what I do because whatever I want to happen never does. But then, that makes me think I've been wanting the wrong things all along.
I'm in another funk. But this one is weird. This time I'm thinking about things and what I want in my life at this point, and it makes me feel despondent, like what I want will never come. It seems like I've been waiting so long for this, and it's just out of reach, and nothing I try ever brings me closer.
On the other hand, I'm also quite happy. I'm feeling God's presence more often in my life directly, and He's been teaching me so many things just within the past month. I'm grateful for all He has given me...yet I long for more. That's the thing. He's given me these desires, but do I really have any right to want more?
Strange things have been happening lately. And it turns out I am terrible at deciphering what they mean. Or maybe people's ideas have changed? In any case, I'm going to stop hoping for things. I'm just going to let them come and handle them as they do.
That's not even true. I'm still going to hope. I have to.
Work. I love my job. I am probably in my best moods when I'm working. I love the people, both students and union workers. They are so real and have nothing to hide. Working there has been a true blessing, as it has restored my love for the people God has created. Loving people has always been a challenge for me because I hold such high standards for everyone, but the time I spend there has opened my eyes to how amazing they really are.
I think about this summer a lot. What it holds for me is still up in the air, but at least I've concluded where I'll be and what I'll be doing. I have this vision in my head that it will change my life and bring me all those things I've been longing for. I know there's no way to be sure of that, but I can see no better way than this.
I think next year is going to be a big change. I'm moving back to north campus, and into a single in Baits. That may sound like I'm asking to be antisocial, but I think this summer will put an end to that. And besides, what other choice do I have? I do not want to go in blind again, and I don't have anyone to live with me. And anyway, I'm looking forward to having a room to myself. There's just something about having a space that's mine that's so appealing.
Spring break will be good for me. Any sort of break from here will be nice, and spending it with people whom I both know and don't, doing construction work will make it even better. I want a new experience. I want them all the time.
I have expectations.
You could let me down.
Or.
You might be everything I've been looking for.
I'm in another funk. But this one is weird. This time I'm thinking about things and what I want in my life at this point, and it makes me feel despondent, like what I want will never come. It seems like I've been waiting so long for this, and it's just out of reach, and nothing I try ever brings me closer.
On the other hand, I'm also quite happy. I'm feeling God's presence more often in my life directly, and He's been teaching me so many things just within the past month. I'm grateful for all He has given me...yet I long for more. That's the thing. He's given me these desires, but do I really have any right to want more?
Strange things have been happening lately. And it turns out I am terrible at deciphering what they mean. Or maybe people's ideas have changed? In any case, I'm going to stop hoping for things. I'm just going to let them come and handle them as they do.
That's not even true. I'm still going to hope. I have to.
Work. I love my job. I am probably in my best moods when I'm working. I love the people, both students and union workers. They are so real and have nothing to hide. Working there has been a true blessing, as it has restored my love for the people God has created. Loving people has always been a challenge for me because I hold such high standards for everyone, but the time I spend there has opened my eyes to how amazing they really are.
I think about this summer a lot. What it holds for me is still up in the air, but at least I've concluded where I'll be and what I'll be doing. I have this vision in my head that it will change my life and bring me all those things I've been longing for. I know there's no way to be sure of that, but I can see no better way than this.
I think next year is going to be a big change. I'm moving back to north campus, and into a single in Baits. That may sound like I'm asking to be antisocial, but I think this summer will put an end to that. And besides, what other choice do I have? I do not want to go in blind again, and I don't have anyone to live with me. And anyway, I'm looking forward to having a room to myself. There's just something about having a space that's mine that's so appealing.
Spring break will be good for me. Any sort of break from here will be nice, and spending it with people whom I both know and don't, doing construction work will make it even better. I want a new experience. I want them all the time.
I have expectations.
You could let me down.
Or.
You might be everything I've been looking for.