-And it hurts because deep down inside I believe we are more than friends-
"You made it clear to me
Described your fear to me
Of getting near to me
And risking our friendship
I stayed up all night
Construction web-site
Just click on our fight
And watch me crying
'Cause you said you were scared and should probably stick to the Internet
And it hurts because deep down inside I believe we are more than friends
And if you ever change your mind
Here's where you can find me
www. I won't believe it
www. until I read it
My heart is tied up in a knot
You know it's true
www.nevergetoveryou
Regarding the way we are together
Regarding the way we both should be
Regardless of time or space or weather
A part of you lives inside of me
So if you ever change your mind
You know where you can find me"
With that said...(Like anyone reads lyrics anyways!!) Charlie told me to stop cutting and do something else...Not that it will last. Or ever work everytime, I tried this time...I decided to expresse myself with words and pictures n art instead of having to go through writing it all out how I feel. I'm sure he knows how I feel and it's been made clear how he feels so nothing more needs to be said I suppose.
Let's just say that I've gotten most'a my answers to my questions sept that ones that I need to ask myself, but I proably never will cuz I'm wasy too scared...Well I took down my (-Liz Luvz Freddie Site-) It'll just get me more depressed cuz I know I'll go look at it...And I put all the shit from Freddie in a box, stuck it in my room...But 10mins later my room felt like it wasn't mine, like it was empty and I put it all back. FUCK RIGHT NOW I WISH I HAD MY FWEDDIE BEAR MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I tried to delete all the songs that reminded me of Freddie. But then I looked at my Musick folder and there was nothing left...So I just restored them all back from the trash can...Now I'm sitting here trying to think of what else too write...I don't know there is nothing...And yes this isn't friends only because you know what I DON'T CARE!! I don't care if he sees how I feel or that I'm writing about him. It's my journal I can write what I want, when I feel it...If anything it's let him understand me better, if that matters...I wish it didn't have to be all my fault...People just don't help. It doesn't help telling me, "At least you'll never get jelouse of him being with a grrrl." Next fuckin person that says that to me I'm not talking to ANYMORE!! I don't give a FUCk how much you hate Freddie doesn't mean that everytime I say his name you have to hack and say, "Ew." (No Anna I'm not talking about you this time!!)
I'd like to always stay friends with Freddie. But it doesn't look like that's working too well...I mean he calls me sometimes, that's nice...But I'm scared to call his house cuz for some FUCT UP reason his dad hates me...Gawd, whatever...But yeah, and It's not like Me n Freddie are ever going to chill. So I might as well not ever make my hope up to ever see him ever again...He's going to college, he'll forget I ever existed...Well I'll never get over Freddie, or what we had...And lost for that matter. But I don't know...If people keep bitching at me I'm going have to start getting rid of some friends too. And personally I don't really care...
In other news...(To the few that even read all that up there...)
Charlie (d1g1tal_ch40s) n Anna (sickbeauty) came over n Charlie made my computer super fast as hell!! Yeah, but I'm getting a new one a dell so it's all good...Hmmm...Me n Anna made some bracelets. She made me one that says, "Mansons Child" ...And I made me a glow in the dark one...Then we went to the fest.
I knew noone was going to be at the usal hang out...Cuz this year everyone has gotten in so many fights with everyone else it's just crazy. Nick was looking for Benji to beat his ass. But that's not fair cuz Nick's like 6' 5" and Benji is less than 5' 4". Me n Anna avoided Benji's fuckin punk ass all night!!...So yeah everyone has basically convinced him not too...And Mohawk was looking fer Eddie, but Eddie was a pussy and rode by and wouldn't get outta his car...Oh well, he'll get him later.
Anna had to talk to Nick, they went to the Hallow. So me n Charlie went around n chilled...And Paige (fuctupchild) was with us too...I was happy to see Paige. I don't get to see her enough. Paige n I got some fuckin kul ass lil kiddie star glasses. ;-) I got Red, Blue, Green and Pink!! SEXY!! Were too lazy to play the games so we just bought the them off the people at the booths...Lmfao 35¢ ain't bad at all!! TEHE!! And I got some new antennas. They have glitttery star on them!! FUCK YEAH!! Yet I puke when I see gold, so Im'a have to put some different glitter on them...It was fun being with Paige. I just wish she'd get the fuck rid'a HEATHER!! Oh gawd can you even get a more horrible friend then that!!
2More days till I break!!...
SUPRISINGLY Guess who wrote me?! Hahaha...This was quite amusing...Too bad he got me at a bad time. Wouldn't have matterted anyways how mad at him I was in the 1st place...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: man u didn't say hi to me tonight
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i know
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i had to wave for u to even notice me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i know...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: :'(
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah well you make me feel invisible i can do the same to you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: if you didn't know anna and nick was ignoring you too...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: so u all were ignoring me?
MaN5oNS CHiLD: well nick was kinda "looking" for you but i told him not to hurt you...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: thats nice to know i got friends like that
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah well it's also nice to know how YOU treat your friends...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wut the fuck i tried to say hi
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and u fuckin ignore me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah i know...but i have my reasons...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i've been ignoring you fer a while, but it didn't matter since i'm invisible to you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and i'm not in the mood to hear you whine about it, cuz i'm ready to shoot myself in the head so get real or get over it...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: well thanx i guess i'll just leave u alone since you think ur invisabell to me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: lmfao @you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: youre the one that made me feel invisible
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude if ur talkin about the last time we chilled u were the one that made me feel invisabel when you wanted to talk to eddie
MaN5oNS CHiLD: no i'm talking about how you fuckin didn't talk to me at all after that...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i waited to see if you'd IM me...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ...never did
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and plus last time we chilled wouldn't you have rather me talked to eddie so you could get all over mindy...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude u of all people should know that when shit goes on wif me in my famnily i don't talk to neone
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude thats not fair
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yet true
MaN5oNS CHiLD: well i'm not in a good mood to be fighting i'll end up saying something i dont mean ...ok then whatever bye i see how much i mean to you so much that you can't even respond
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: no im just really confused right now
MaN5oNS CHiLD: cant say n never try
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i think i need to quit tryin on people
MaN5oNS CHiLD: you and freddie for a start i need to stop caring about!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude wut the fuck
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude if you wanna talkin about makin people feel invisable wut was up wif that nit wif mindy
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u acted like i wasn't there
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and talked to eddie the whole time
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah so you two could do what you wanted...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: DUH!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u made me feel like u wanted no part of me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i didn't then
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u never did
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: :'(
MaN5oNS CHiLD: not all true
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: then y are u yellin at me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i'm not
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: ur the last person i want to be mad at me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: dude wanna know wtf i'm all depressed about?! and acting weird?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: id like too yeah
MaN5oNS CHiLD: my mom died one year ago this fuckin monday; and then freddie has made it clear to me today that he's totally gay and only wants to be my friend and i know it's all CUZ of me...and i'm trying to decide weather er not i should go into the hosp fer a year so i can get help with cuttin but then again i know i'd never stop!!!!!!!!!!!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude i don't want you to fucking cut
MaN5oNS CHiLD: too late
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i'm getting really bad
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i dont wanna fuckin lose you to somthing so selfish
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: please don't
MaN5oNS CHiLD: something so selfish?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: doing that means you r thinkin about killing urself
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and suicide is selfish
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: god damnit liz
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: please
MaN5oNS CHiLD: for what benji, what to live for?! huh tell me one thing i have nothing left ne more
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wut the fuck
MaN5oNS CHiLD: exctally
MaN5oNS CHiLD: nothing
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i came down that day to c u
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: not mindy
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ok well still what do i have to live for?! NOTHING!!!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: but u made it clear u didn't care
MaN5oNS CHiLD: not one thing
MaN5oNS CHiLD: no yuo two made it clear you wanted to be all over each other
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wtf
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: n u acted like u didnt even want me there
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and if this turns into a sex conversation i'm leaving
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: ur acting like i forgot about when we we kissed
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ?
MaN5oNS CHiLD: who is we?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and i remeber u said " ur only torching yourself" and i belive i said no i wasn't
MaN5oNS CHiLD: what about it?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: brb i gota go pee
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ok
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo signed off at 2:11:34 AM.
I'm just going to sit here and listen to Simon and Milo till I pass out er soemthing...I can't go to bed cuz I don't have Fweddie...And my dad's fuckin mad at me already cuz I didn't move all my shit out and went to the fest. instead...Oh well...Whatever...
Described your fear to me
Of getting near to me
And risking our friendship
I stayed up all night
Construction web-site
Just click on our fight
And watch me crying
'Cause you said you were scared and should probably stick to the Internet
And it hurts because deep down inside I believe we are more than friends
And if you ever change your mind
Here's where you can find me
www. I won't believe it
www. until I read it
My heart is tied up in a knot
You know it's true
www.nevergetoveryou
Regarding the way we are together
Regarding the way we both should be
Regardless of time or space or weather
A part of you lives inside of me
So if you ever change your mind
You know where you can find me"
With that said...(Like anyone reads lyrics anyways!!) Charlie told me to stop cutting and do something else...Not that it will last. Or ever work everytime, I tried this time...I decided to expresse myself with words and pictures n art instead of having to go through writing it all out how I feel. I'm sure he knows how I feel and it's been made clear how he feels so nothing more needs to be said I suppose.
Let's just say that I've gotten most'a my answers to my questions sept that ones that I need to ask myself, but I proably never will cuz I'm wasy too scared...Well I took down my (-Liz Luvz Freddie Site-) It'll just get me more depressed cuz I know I'll go look at it...And I put all the shit from Freddie in a box, stuck it in my room...But 10mins later my room felt like it wasn't mine, like it was empty and I put it all back. FUCK RIGHT NOW I WISH I HAD MY FWEDDIE BEAR MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I tried to delete all the songs that reminded me of Freddie. But then I looked at my Musick folder and there was nothing left...So I just restored them all back from the trash can...Now I'm sitting here trying to think of what else too write...I don't know there is nothing...And yes this isn't friends only because you know what I DON'T CARE!! I don't care if he sees how I feel or that I'm writing about him. It's my journal I can write what I want, when I feel it...If anything it's let him understand me better, if that matters...I wish it didn't have to be all my fault...People just don't help. It doesn't help telling me, "At least you'll never get jelouse of him being with a grrrl." Next fuckin person that says that to me I'm not talking to ANYMORE!! I don't give a FUCk how much you hate Freddie doesn't mean that everytime I say his name you have to hack and say, "Ew." (No Anna I'm not talking about you this time!!)
I'd like to always stay friends with Freddie. But it doesn't look like that's working too well...I mean he calls me sometimes, that's nice...But I'm scared to call his house cuz for some FUCT UP reason his dad hates me...Gawd, whatever...But yeah, and It's not like Me n Freddie are ever going to chill. So I might as well not ever make my hope up to ever see him ever again...He's going to college, he'll forget I ever existed...Well I'll never get over Freddie, or what we had...And lost for that matter. But I don't know...If people keep bitching at me I'm going have to start getting rid of some friends too. And personally I don't really care...
In other news...(To the few that even read all that up there...)
Charlie (d1g1tal_ch40s) n Anna (sickbeauty) came over n Charlie made my computer super fast as hell!! Yeah, but I'm getting a new one a dell so it's all good...Hmmm...Me n Anna made some bracelets. She made me one that says, "Mansons Child" ...And I made me a glow in the dark one...Then we went to the fest.
I knew noone was going to be at the usal hang out...Cuz this year everyone has gotten in so many fights with everyone else it's just crazy. Nick was looking for Benji to beat his ass. But that's not fair cuz Nick's like 6' 5" and Benji is less than 5' 4". Me n Anna avoided Benji's fuckin punk ass all night!!...So yeah everyone has basically convinced him not too...And Mohawk was looking fer Eddie, but Eddie was a pussy and rode by and wouldn't get outta his car...Oh well, he'll get him later.
Anna had to talk to Nick, they went to the Hallow. So me n Charlie went around n chilled...And Paige (fuctupchild) was with us too...I was happy to see Paige. I don't get to see her enough. Paige n I got some fuckin kul ass lil kiddie star glasses. ;-) I got Red, Blue, Green and Pink!! SEXY!! Were too lazy to play the games so we just bought the them off the people at the booths...Lmfao 35¢ ain't bad at all!! TEHE!! And I got some new antennas. They have glitttery star on them!! FUCK YEAH!! Yet I puke when I see gold, so Im'a have to put some different glitter on them...It was fun being with Paige. I just wish she'd get the fuck rid'a HEATHER!! Oh gawd can you even get a more horrible friend then that!!
2More days till I break!!...
SUPRISINGLY Guess who wrote me?! Hahaha...This was quite amusing...Too bad he got me at a bad time. Wouldn't have matterted anyways how mad at him I was in the 1st place...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: man u didn't say hi to me tonight
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i know
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i had to wave for u to even notice me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i know...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: :'(
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah well you make me feel invisible i can do the same to you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: if you didn't know anna and nick was ignoring you too...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: so u all were ignoring me?
MaN5oNS CHiLD: well nick was kinda "looking" for you but i told him not to hurt you...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: thats nice to know i got friends like that
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah well it's also nice to know how YOU treat your friends...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wut the fuck i tried to say hi
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and u fuckin ignore me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah i know...but i have my reasons...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i've been ignoring you fer a while, but it didn't matter since i'm invisible to you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and i'm not in the mood to hear you whine about it, cuz i'm ready to shoot myself in the head so get real or get over it...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: well thanx i guess i'll just leave u alone since you think ur invisabell to me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: lmfao @you...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: youre the one that made me feel invisible
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude if ur talkin about the last time we chilled u were the one that made me feel invisabel when you wanted to talk to eddie
MaN5oNS CHiLD: no i'm talking about how you fuckin didn't talk to me at all after that...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i waited to see if you'd IM me...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ...never did
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and plus last time we chilled wouldn't you have rather me talked to eddie so you could get all over mindy...
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude u of all people should know that when shit goes on wif me in my famnily i don't talk to neone
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude thats not fair
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yet true
MaN5oNS CHiLD: well i'm not in a good mood to be fighting i'll end up saying something i dont mean ...ok then whatever bye i see how much i mean to you so much that you can't even respond
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: no im just really confused right now
MaN5oNS CHiLD: cant say n never try
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i think i need to quit tryin on people
MaN5oNS CHiLD: you and freddie for a start i need to stop caring about!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude wut the fuck
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude if you wanna talkin about makin people feel invisable wut was up wif that nit wif mindy
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u acted like i wasn't there
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and talked to eddie the whole time
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah so you two could do what you wanted...
MaN5oNS CHiLD: DUH!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u made me feel like u wanted no part of me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i didn't then
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: u never did
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: :'(
MaN5oNS CHiLD: not all true
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: then y are u yellin at me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i'm not
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: ur the last person i want to be mad at me
MaN5oNS CHiLD: dude wanna know wtf i'm all depressed about?! and acting weird?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: id like too yeah
MaN5oNS CHiLD: my mom died one year ago this fuckin monday; and then freddie has made it clear to me today that he's totally gay and only wants to be my friend and i know it's all CUZ of me...and i'm trying to decide weather er not i should go into the hosp fer a year so i can get help with cuttin but then again i know i'd never stop!!!!!!!!!!!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: dude i don't want you to fucking cut
MaN5oNS CHiLD: too late
MaN5oNS CHiLD: i'm getting really bad
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i dont wanna fuckin lose you to somthing so selfish
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: please don't
MaN5oNS CHiLD: something so selfish?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: doing that means you r thinkin about killing urself
MaN5oNS CHiLD: yeah
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and suicide is selfish
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: god damnit liz
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: please
MaN5oNS CHiLD: for what benji, what to live for?! huh tell me one thing i have nothing left ne more
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wut the fuck
MaN5oNS CHiLD: exctally
MaN5oNS CHiLD: nothing
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: i came down that day to c u
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: not mindy
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ok well still what do i have to live for?! NOTHING!!!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: but u made it clear u didn't care
MaN5oNS CHiLD: not one thing
MaN5oNS CHiLD: no yuo two made it clear you wanted to be all over each other
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: wtf
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: n u acted like u didnt even want me there
MaN5oNS CHiLD: and if this turns into a sex conversation i'm leaving
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: ur acting like i forgot about when we we kissed
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ?
MaN5oNS CHiLD: who is we?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: and i remeber u said " ur only torching yourself" and i belive i said no i wasn't
MaN5oNS CHiLD: what about it?!
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo: brb i gota go pee
MaN5oNS CHiLD: ok
SeLf TiTLEd XeRo signed off at 2:11:34 AM.
I'm just going to sit here and listen to Simon and Milo till I pass out er soemthing...I can't go to bed cuz I don't have Fweddie...And my dad's fuckin mad at me already cuz I didn't move all my shit out and went to the fest. instead...Oh well...Whatever...