Sundays are perfect for exorcism...
It's Sunday, I'm way behind on my homework and I had to go to a Birthday party this morning. What a splendid day for writing fanfiction. Well, to be honest, it wasn't fanfiction so much as it was exorcism.
I once swore that I would never write a parody. It always struck me as the most difficult genre to write, because the line between funny and stupid is just so fine. But, well, the Non!Plot Bunny brought me this and was so exasperatingly perky that I wrote it down just so the furry fiend would leave me alone...
Because I just found out how to do cuts and need something to do a cut on I'm putting the fic in my LJ. I will probably post it at ff.net at some point, because I'm just stupid enough to think that the people I'm mocking won't get it. Well, unless they frequent deleterius they probably won't...
Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Sue
Mary-Sue Hewlett-Packard [AN: Because I, like, couldn't be bothered to come up with a proper name and this one was right there on my computer....] woke suddenly from an otherwise peaceful night's rest. She looked from her very large very comfortable bed around her very large room, filled to the rim with fancy magic gadgets and haute couture, and sighed deeply.
Too bad, she thought, I was sleeping so peacefully. Don't they know you need eight hours of sleep to look your best? How am I expected to be a proper Mary-Sue if I don't look stunning? She shook her head, her beautiful hair waving behind her like a shampoo commercial [AN: Y'know, the one on the beach, with the guy. Yeah, that one.], and grinned. It didn't matter anyway. She would always be stunning. After all, she was a Mary-Sue. How could she possibly not be?
She frowned, trying to remember why she had been so rudely awoken. Oh, yes, that's right. She had to save the world. With her amazing Legilimency skills and very very powerful connection with Severus Snape she had seen in her dreams that Harry Potter (Oh, the git! What does he know, anyway?) was about to make a very big mistake. She got out of bed quickly, but not too quickly so as to not ruin the effect, and searched through her clothes for something appropriate to wear.
What is in fashion for saving the world these days? She asked herself. Leather and lace? Nah. That's for later. Snapey-Wapey will love it. Something Goth-y? No, I don't want to show up wearing the same as that awful Hermione-Sue. Of course, I will look better, but still... No, I need something classy.
She dug through the piles of designer clothes and finally located what she needed. A mini-skirt with a matching and just as mini top. “Perfect,” she exclaimed to no one in particular. She never had anyone to talk to as she had no friends, because she's a Mary-Sue and she's stupid, so she had gotten the habit of speaking to empty rooms. She didn't understand why they didn't answer her, though, after all, she was a Mary-Sue, she should be respected and loved for being so beautiful and perfect.
Well, anyways, Mary-Sue got dressed, absurdly discarding the six inch heels that went with the outfit and opting for sensible trainers instead. She wasn't sure why.
She ran from her large mansion but had only taken a few steps before getting the feeling that she had forgotten something. Oh, that's right, she giggled. My wand. I might need it for something.
She ran back into the enormous mansion, looking up at it as she ran towards it. It really was very beautiful and large. Too bad Muggles weren't allowed to see it because there weren't supposed to be big mansions like this on the heath. [AN: Maybe there are mansions on the heath. I don't know, and I couldn't be bothered to look it up. Oh, wait, in the movie with that guy Heathcliff, doesn't someone live in a mansion? Well, anyway, I just thought it would be, like, totally perfect if Muggles weren't allowed to see that house. It's much more interesting that way, don't you think?] The perfect home for a Mary-Sue. She located her wand in the house elf's nest in the attic. Strange that he should be hiding it... Why would he do that?
As she ran she took a moment to ponder her tragic childhood. Pondering always made her look especially pretty, she felt. Her parents had been killed by Voldemort himself-they were that important-and left her an orphan. Albus Dumbledore had saved Mary-Sue with a little help from Fawkes, who felt obligated because Mary-Sue was Gryffindor's heir and Dumbledore had asked so nicely. But Dumbledore had kept her a secret, because she was a very powerful witch, and had all sorts of special powers, like being a better Legilimens than Voldemort, brewing potions better than anyone in the world and knowing how to perform a wealth of complicated spells. Oh, and she could also turn into a ball of light for some reason. No one knows why, though. Of course Mary-Sue would rather have had her parents, but being Dumbledore's special secret and having this cool mansion and loads of money was very nice, too. All in all Mary-Sue didn't miss her parents too much, but she still had a tragic past.
[AN: I'm skipping ahead a bit, because I can't be bothered to write the whole thing. You can, like, guess what happened, right? She just magicked herself to the right place. She knew where to go because of her very very powerful connection with Severus Snape.]
Mary-Sue ran through the forest, very pleased suddenly that her authoress had decided to put her in trainers. This mud would have ruined her Jimmy Choos. Although, she could of course just magic them clean. Oh, well, the writer hadn't thought of that and couldn't be bothered to go back and change it.
She came to a large clearing in the forest and realized immediately what was going on, which wasn't a lot, so that's not really as impressive as it sounds. Harry Potter, Severus Snape and the Dark Lord were standing in a triangle looking at each other. Harry Potter was waving his wand between each of the other two, clearly torn. Severus Snape was coolly holding his wand up, ready to lazily deflect any curses it might occur to Harry Potter to throw at him. Voldemort hadn't even bothered to get out his wand, he was just cackling evilly.
Mary-Sue ran into the clearing with no regard for her own safety. Whether she was really brave or just immensely stupid is uncertain. “No, stop, Harry Potter, you are making a mistake!” She screamed. She had such a lovely voice for screaming. It didn't sound like screaming at all.
“But I haven't done anything yet,” Harry told her, confused. “And who are you, anyway?”
“I'm Mary-Sue. I'm here to save the world.”
Harry frowned. “Isn't that my job? Isn't that why the books are about me? I AM the one with the scar, y'know.”
Mary-Sue waved him off. “I have scars too, you're not that special. I just don't flaunt mine.” She felt no need to tell him that all her scars were on her buttocks from falling on her a$$ so often.
It occurred to her suddenly that Severus Snape hadn't shown any reaction to her arrival at all. She ran out of the clearing and then back in, watching him for any reaction. After all, she did have beautiful red hair and emerald green eyes. [AN: Are emeralds green? I'm not sure, but I can't be bothered to look it up.] She looked just like Lily. But not too much like Lily, up close, because that would just make Snape feel guilty when they were going to fall in love and have lots and lots of little beautiful babies later. He had, after all, been madly in love with Lily. That's why he hated James so much. Obviously.
Unfortunately, her very very powerful connection with Severus Snape was not quite powerful enough to convey to him that he was to look impressed. Although he did look slightly nauseated when she gyrated her hips at him...
“Well, as I was saying,” Mary-Sue exclaimed when she had given up on getting a naughty wink from Snape. “I'm here to save the world and you are making a mistake.”
“What mistake?” Harry queried.
“Severus Snape is one of the good guys. He only killed Dumbledore because Dumbledore told him to. He didn't want to. He isn't with Voldemort, really, he's just a spy for the Order of the Phoenix.”
Snape's lips got almost impossibly thin as he stared at Mary-Sue with a look of pure hatred. “Shut up, idiot girl,” he hissed.
“But I'm saving your life,” Mary-Sue insisted. “You'll be grateful and then we'll have fabulous sex afterwards.”
Snape coughed slightly, but said nothing. Harry, however, who was not disposed towards subtlety recoiled in disgust. Voldemort smiled in satisfaction. Having sex with Mary-Sue would be a suitable punishment for Snape for betraying his Master's trust.
“You have to understand, Harry. Severus is on your side. He's a nice guy, really, once you get to know him.”
“I am not,” Snape protested, feeling that he must set the record straight on that point at least. He looked around for Voldemort, trying even as he did to come up with a lie to tell him, explaining away this imbecile's revelations. Voldemort, however, had vanished as he was no longer vital to the plot.
“I don't believe you,” Harry told Mary-Sue. He lifted his wand and pointed it at Snape. “Avada kedavra,” he cried.
Nothing happened.
“I told you, Potter, you cannot kill me,” Snape snarled. “To cast an Unforgivable Curse you must mean it.”
“Well, that's lucky, isn't it? If he hadn't been so incompetent, you would have been dead and we couldn't have sex,” Mary-Sue said happily to Snape.
Harry and Severus spun around simultaneously and pointed both their wands at Mary-Sue. She looked at them, confused. “Avada Kedavra!” they both yelled. Two green jets sped out of their wands and hit Mary-Sue squarely in the chest. She fell to the ground.
“Oops,” Harry mumbled. “That was a mistake.”
“I know,” Severus sighed. “We should have Crucio'ed her first.”
THE END, THANKFULLY
I once swore that I would never write a parody. It always struck me as the most difficult genre to write, because the line between funny and stupid is just so fine. But, well, the Non!Plot Bunny brought me this and was so exasperatingly perky that I wrote it down just so the furry fiend would leave me alone...
Because I just found out how to do cuts and need something to do a cut on I'm putting the fic in my LJ. I will probably post it at ff.net at some point, because I'm just stupid enough to think that the people I'm mocking won't get it. Well, unless they frequent deleterius they probably won't...
Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Sue
Mary-Sue Hewlett-Packard [AN: Because I, like, couldn't be bothered to come up with a proper name and this one was right there on my computer....] woke suddenly from an otherwise peaceful night's rest. She looked from her very large very comfortable bed around her very large room, filled to the rim with fancy magic gadgets and haute couture, and sighed deeply.
Too bad, she thought, I was sleeping so peacefully. Don't they know you need eight hours of sleep to look your best? How am I expected to be a proper Mary-Sue if I don't look stunning? She shook her head, her beautiful hair waving behind her like a shampoo commercial [AN: Y'know, the one on the beach, with the guy. Yeah, that one.], and grinned. It didn't matter anyway. She would always be stunning. After all, she was a Mary-Sue. How could she possibly not be?
She frowned, trying to remember why she had been so rudely awoken. Oh, yes, that's right. She had to save the world. With her amazing Legilimency skills and very very powerful connection with Severus Snape she had seen in her dreams that Harry Potter (Oh, the git! What does he know, anyway?) was about to make a very big mistake. She got out of bed quickly, but not too quickly so as to not ruin the effect, and searched through her clothes for something appropriate to wear.
What is in fashion for saving the world these days? She asked herself. Leather and lace? Nah. That's for later. Snapey-Wapey will love it. Something Goth-y? No, I don't want to show up wearing the same as that awful Hermione-Sue. Of course, I will look better, but still... No, I need something classy.
She dug through the piles of designer clothes and finally located what she needed. A mini-skirt with a matching and just as mini top. “Perfect,” she exclaimed to no one in particular. She never had anyone to talk to as she had no friends, because she's a Mary-Sue and she's stupid, so she had gotten the habit of speaking to empty rooms. She didn't understand why they didn't answer her, though, after all, she was a Mary-Sue, she should be respected and loved for being so beautiful and perfect.
Well, anyways, Mary-Sue got dressed, absurdly discarding the six inch heels that went with the outfit and opting for sensible trainers instead. She wasn't sure why.
She ran from her large mansion but had only taken a few steps before getting the feeling that she had forgotten something. Oh, that's right, she giggled. My wand. I might need it for something.
She ran back into the enormous mansion, looking up at it as she ran towards it. It really was very beautiful and large. Too bad Muggles weren't allowed to see it because there weren't supposed to be big mansions like this on the heath. [AN: Maybe there are mansions on the heath. I don't know, and I couldn't be bothered to look it up. Oh, wait, in the movie with that guy Heathcliff, doesn't someone live in a mansion? Well, anyway, I just thought it would be, like, totally perfect if Muggles weren't allowed to see that house. It's much more interesting that way, don't you think?] The perfect home for a Mary-Sue. She located her wand in the house elf's nest in the attic. Strange that he should be hiding it... Why would he do that?
As she ran she took a moment to ponder her tragic childhood. Pondering always made her look especially pretty, she felt. Her parents had been killed by Voldemort himself-they were that important-and left her an orphan. Albus Dumbledore had saved Mary-Sue with a little help from Fawkes, who felt obligated because Mary-Sue was Gryffindor's heir and Dumbledore had asked so nicely. But Dumbledore had kept her a secret, because she was a very powerful witch, and had all sorts of special powers, like being a better Legilimens than Voldemort, brewing potions better than anyone in the world and knowing how to perform a wealth of complicated spells. Oh, and she could also turn into a ball of light for some reason. No one knows why, though. Of course Mary-Sue would rather have had her parents, but being Dumbledore's special secret and having this cool mansion and loads of money was very nice, too. All in all Mary-Sue didn't miss her parents too much, but she still had a tragic past.
[AN: I'm skipping ahead a bit, because I can't be bothered to write the whole thing. You can, like, guess what happened, right? She just magicked herself to the right place. She knew where to go because of her very very powerful connection with Severus Snape.]
Mary-Sue ran through the forest, very pleased suddenly that her authoress had decided to put her in trainers. This mud would have ruined her Jimmy Choos. Although, she could of course just magic them clean. Oh, well, the writer hadn't thought of that and couldn't be bothered to go back and change it.
She came to a large clearing in the forest and realized immediately what was going on, which wasn't a lot, so that's not really as impressive as it sounds. Harry Potter, Severus Snape and the Dark Lord were standing in a triangle looking at each other. Harry Potter was waving his wand between each of the other two, clearly torn. Severus Snape was coolly holding his wand up, ready to lazily deflect any curses it might occur to Harry Potter to throw at him. Voldemort hadn't even bothered to get out his wand, he was just cackling evilly.
Mary-Sue ran into the clearing with no regard for her own safety. Whether she was really brave or just immensely stupid is uncertain. “No, stop, Harry Potter, you are making a mistake!” She screamed. She had such a lovely voice for screaming. It didn't sound like screaming at all.
“But I haven't done anything yet,” Harry told her, confused. “And who are you, anyway?”
“I'm Mary-Sue. I'm here to save the world.”
Harry frowned. “Isn't that my job? Isn't that why the books are about me? I AM the one with the scar, y'know.”
Mary-Sue waved him off. “I have scars too, you're not that special. I just don't flaunt mine.” She felt no need to tell him that all her scars were on her buttocks from falling on her a$$ so often.
It occurred to her suddenly that Severus Snape hadn't shown any reaction to her arrival at all. She ran out of the clearing and then back in, watching him for any reaction. After all, she did have beautiful red hair and emerald green eyes. [AN: Are emeralds green? I'm not sure, but I can't be bothered to look it up.] She looked just like Lily. But not too much like Lily, up close, because that would just make Snape feel guilty when they were going to fall in love and have lots and lots of little beautiful babies later. He had, after all, been madly in love with Lily. That's why he hated James so much. Obviously.
Unfortunately, her very very powerful connection with Severus Snape was not quite powerful enough to convey to him that he was to look impressed. Although he did look slightly nauseated when she gyrated her hips at him...
“Well, as I was saying,” Mary-Sue exclaimed when she had given up on getting a naughty wink from Snape. “I'm here to save the world and you are making a mistake.”
“What mistake?” Harry queried.
“Severus Snape is one of the good guys. He only killed Dumbledore because Dumbledore told him to. He didn't want to. He isn't with Voldemort, really, he's just a spy for the Order of the Phoenix.”
Snape's lips got almost impossibly thin as he stared at Mary-Sue with a look of pure hatred. “Shut up, idiot girl,” he hissed.
“But I'm saving your life,” Mary-Sue insisted. “You'll be grateful and then we'll have fabulous sex afterwards.”
Snape coughed slightly, but said nothing. Harry, however, who was not disposed towards subtlety recoiled in disgust. Voldemort smiled in satisfaction. Having sex with Mary-Sue would be a suitable punishment for Snape for betraying his Master's trust.
“You have to understand, Harry. Severus is on your side. He's a nice guy, really, once you get to know him.”
“I am not,” Snape protested, feeling that he must set the record straight on that point at least. He looked around for Voldemort, trying even as he did to come up with a lie to tell him, explaining away this imbecile's revelations. Voldemort, however, had vanished as he was no longer vital to the plot.
“I don't believe you,” Harry told Mary-Sue. He lifted his wand and pointed it at Snape. “Avada kedavra,” he cried.
Nothing happened.
“I told you, Potter, you cannot kill me,” Snape snarled. “To cast an Unforgivable Curse you must mean it.”
“Well, that's lucky, isn't it? If he hadn't been so incompetent, you would have been dead and we couldn't have sex,” Mary-Sue said happily to Snape.
Harry and Severus spun around simultaneously and pointed both their wands at Mary-Sue. She looked at them, confused. “Avada Kedavra!” they both yelled. Two green jets sped out of their wands and hit Mary-Sue squarely in the chest. She fell to the ground.
“Oops,” Harry mumbled. “That was a mistake.”
“I know,” Severus sighed. “We should have Crucio'ed her first.”
THE END, THANKFULLY