Perseverance
Title: Perseverance
Pairing: Kyu-centric. No pairing.
Genre: Angst, college!au, catharsis
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun is has a lot going on, more than he would ever care to admit, and it's starting to take its toll.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When did he last wash his hair?
Kyuhyun ruffled his dark mop, stretching his shoulders wide open as he leant back in his chair. He inhaled and exhaled.
Then inhaled and exhaled once more.
Large breaths.
Large, calming breaths.
His apartment was stuffy. The windows hadn't been opened in days and there was clutter everywhere. Wrappers from takeout and snacks, clothing here and there, his bed forever unmade and pillows strewn about as if they had a mind of their own. The tv was on but muted, for days now, the same channel.
It was a time warp.
He sat forward once more in his desk chair, laptop on the small desk in front of him. Approximately 26 tabs were open in his web browser.
Job boards, emails to now former professors asking for help finding employment so as to avoid the impending throes of poverty or moving away from an opportunity mecca, professional websites with information on how to truly amp up your online presence to make the ephemeral "best first impression in the virtual world, minus the handshake".
He rubbed his eyes and took a drink from his water bottle, choosing to stay at least partially sober in the afternoons these days, so he didn't send the wrong cover letter to the wrong employer, nor misspell his name or type out his parents' address instead of his own. Strong aspirin was still a must though, with staring at computer screens for so long. He had no choice.
At a time when everyone else had nothing but grins on their faces and a sense of happiness practically oozing from their pores at any given moment with their bright, shiny, planned out futures, he was struggling. He'd just graduated university, with a degree in music theory and philosophy. Useless, most would say, but when he went to university, he swore to himself he would do what he wanted. He wouldn't stay home and get stuck pursuing something he only vaguely liked. He wasn't going to end up like that.
He wouldn't settle at home, so why did it feel like he had to settle now?
Pursuing his specific passion didn't really have a pre-set path like many of his friends.
Siwon going into medical school, wanting to eventually become a pediatrician. Donghae getting drafted onto a professional soccer team after playing throughout university. Changmin getting hired right out of his internship at an accounting firm right in the heart of the financial district downtown.
It never really bothered him, he knew from the get go it was going to be hard, and he loved a challenge, but that didn't mean it wasn't ridiculously hard sometimes to keep going, keep moving when you felt like you had nothing left in you.
He'd called and been called by Zhou Mi, who was currently spending some time in China, so many times now. It helped more than he could ever probably tell his friend, that constant reassurance. Kyuhyun needed that more than he could explain, that reassurance.
The simple little reminders and confidence notes.
"It'll be okay."
"You're going to be alright."
"I know it's hard. I wish it wasn't. You deserve better."
"You will find something."
Kyuhyun felt annoying sometimes, though he knew in his heart he wasn't. Zhou Mi would help him with anything he could, whenever he could, and he appreciated that so much about his best friend.
But he wasn't sure how much more he could take, of this feeling, or, well, mix of feelings.
Being scared shitless every waking moment for so long now, he couldn't remember how he felt before. It was a normal part of his life, this fear.
The fear of not finding something he was, first and foremost, insanely passionate about, but that also made enough money to pay the bills and rent, that made enough money to keep him from moving back home, that made enough money for him to maybe save up a little bit to travel to Paris someday in the next couple of years pay back his student loans to keep him from adding on the fear of crushing debt for the next 20 years.
The fear of getting stuck.
He didn't have a specific dream, related to his career. He simply knew what he liked, and where he wanted to be. Sometimes he felt bad, like he was wrong or an unambitious person for not having a specific dream with specific steps to reach it. It'd probably be easier for him to try and follow instead of scrambling at this point, but that wasn't him. Kyuhyun had always floundered back and forth between his ideal job, never finding one that was a solid sticking possibility for more than a couple of months.
If he had one real goal, it would be to be happy.
He didn't need specifics.
His destiny feels would carry him where he needed to be.
And usually that was enough, but right now, it wasn't.
He had to be out of his apartment, 2 weeks from tomorrow, and he hadn't even started packing.
The fact was, he had no idea where he would be, in so many ways, mentally and physically, in a mere 14 days.
And that number would keep getting smaller, regardless. It was inevitable, and packing just made that reality more, well, real.
Kyuhyun was extremely capable. He was intelligent, brilliant, had all the potential in the world and all the support from everyone he came into contact with, wanting to help him succeed and live a life he wanted. He knew this. He could feel it in everything he did, in all of his interactions. His confidence was extremely real and a natural part of his life.
For fuck's sake, he'd taken the risk to pursue a field of studies he loved, and he'd graduated with an outstanding year under his belt, for all that had been happening.
But he was scared sick now.
He wasn't able to sleep very long anymore, not knowing the last time he slept for more than 4 hours at a time. Not knowing the last time he showered. Not knowing if he'd taken his medicine this evening before eating.
Kyuhyun was confident, fun loving, smile plastered across his face in every goddamn picture taken of him, but he also held himself to ridiculously high, and sometimes unrealistic expectations, and trying to fulfill these meant he stressed himself out more than necessary, having more mental breakdowns, head hanging heavy in his hands as he sobbed stains into his bedsheets and spare tshirts for God knows how long before it'd stop and he'd fall into a deep sleep.
With some help from Zhou Mi, he'd been getting better about not being so hard on himself. He'd taken steps to look at the bigger picture and realize his accomplishments, his capabilities, his outstanding essence as a human being.
But there still remained this fear that not only would others not be proud of him, to know him and associate with him, but that he'd let himself down still, even with the steps taken to be easier on himself.
It was destroying him, moreso currently than it had in a long time.
A slow process, yes, but it was happening. And he didn't know how much more he could take.
Some days he'd catch himself looking outside at the evening sky, the sun setting over the train tracks and through the trees, typically good at taking in the sheer beauty of the outdoors, but instead seeing it as another day passing without any success nor any closer to figuring out where he would be in 14 days.
He knew too, the important part was location, but how could he afford an apartment more expensive than his own without a job? How did he get a job without an apartment in mind? It was a vicious cycle that played over and over in his mind like a broken record, at every moment.
His parents didn't have the money to keep supporting him. His friends were all moving back home or across the country or to different countries, and he didn't have that many close friends to begin with.
He felt empty.
He'd tried to explain it to his mom once or twice, that feeling of waking up and not feeling right at all, feeling empty from fear. He couldn't do it though. She'd give him the same advice and confident assertions that everyone did, but he knew if he brought this up to her, it'd do more harm than good.
He'd been upset too often, his eyes becoming permanently darkened and swollen. He'd sing, but there was no heart to it. He'd work out with Siwon, but the post-workout endorphins didn't help much to fight the feeling. He'd go out with his friends who were still around, namely Siwon and Changmin, and he'd have a blast, but he'd come home and know in the back of his head that he still had work to do.
He didn't like being alone in the first place, to any extent really. He tended to hate everything when he was alone, and now, he felt more alone than he had in ages, for any number of reasons, and it wasn't a good feeling.
And for as much as he knew he didn't really have the time to focus on a significant other at the moment, someone safe to curl up into bed with was all that he wanted.
He wasn't truly alone. There were plenty of people in the same boat as him, not having things figured out and working in the same manner as him to try and figure them out, but he felt his situation was very different. It wasn't a pity party. He didn't do that to himself. No one has time for that. Nor was it his attempt to get attention. He wasn't actually much for having things focused on him.
Everyone has different experiences and different things happen for them at different times.
Everyone lives different lives, difficulties manifesting in any number or ways for different people.
But Kyuhyun was tired of his right now.
Tired of being scared. Tired of working for what felt like nothing. Tired of putting himself and his pride out there on the line to be whittled down, little by little.
He was wearing down.
He'd written and erased countless emails to his parents, trying to explain how he felt. He couldn't send them. They didn't need to worry about him anymore than they already did.
If Zhou Mi had known about the nights Kyuhyun had sat there with his number pulled up, ready to call, but opting for crying himself to sleep instead of bothering his friend on a different schedule, or vice versa, he'd punch him right in the face, or hug him while he wept. Probably both. He didn't want him to worry more either. Zhou Mi had already done too many nice things for him, stuff he didn't deserve in the least. Stuff he could never repay even if he worked his whole life to. Granted, the nights were so few that Kyuhyun could count them on one hand, but the fact remained.
He was just so afraid, so scared, of so many things right now. And he wasn't sure if he could ever really explain it fully, properly, to beget understanding.
And not much scared Kyuhyun, besides death and shetland ponies and the occasional butterfly fun moth, but it felt like everything else that scared him was compounded at the moment, leaving him drowning. Just drowning.
But, for as much as he was drowning, he would persevere, because if there was one thing Cho Kyuhyun had, it was dedication, and the ability to take whatever came his way. He was practical, level headed, determined. Absolutely so.
He was human, and broke down, exhausted from constantly working to throw his pride on the line to pursue his passion, but he knew, he knew it'd be alright.
As he sat there, forehead on the edge of his desk, tears silently streaming onto the floor below, he knew it would be okay.
He had so much support, from his parents and Zhou Mi and his friends, all reassuring him that he would be okay and things would work out for him, even if he didn't get an ideal right out of college job, it would be okay.
Kyuhyun had learned early on that things would never fall into his lap nor be obscenely easy for him, and that was okay by him. He would struggle, a lot, and get his spirits docked sometimes, but he was all the more determined because of it. He knew he was capable, and that he deserved good fortune and payoff for his hard work.
His destiny feels pushed him through at the core of everything.
He would be where he was meant to be, when he was meant to be there.
And he wouldn't be alone.
------------------
Kyuhuyn lifted his head off the edge of his desk and closed his laptop, texting Zhou Mi about some dinner he was wanting to try this evening. He wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his tshirt and took another drink of water.
He would start fresh tomorrow.
He didn't need to make himself any more sick tonight.
He would be fine, and things would fall into place for him, when they were meant to, little by little, and probably sooner than he thought.
Though he wasn't a patient person, he was doing what he could and things were out of his hands.
Destiny had control now.
Kyuhyun looked out the window at the sunset and picked up his camera.
He turned it on and snapped a couple of pictures.
The skyline was dusky pink, slightly hazy from the heat, and the building tops stretching as far as the eye could see.
If only for that brief moment, he appreciated the beauty of the sunset for what it was.
The sun persevered everyday, working to its setting in the evening.
Perseverance was key.
Kyuhyun could do it.
He stepped onto his small balcony amidst his laundry and let the warm spring breeze fill his lungs.
Large deep breaths.
Kyuhyun was going to be okay.
Pairing: Kyu-centric. No pairing.
Genre: Angst, college!au, catharsis
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun is has a lot going on, more than he would ever care to admit, and it's starting to take its toll.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When did he last wash his hair?
Kyuhyun ruffled his dark mop, stretching his shoulders wide open as he leant back in his chair. He inhaled and exhaled.
Then inhaled and exhaled once more.
Large breaths.
Large, calming breaths.
His apartment was stuffy. The windows hadn't been opened in days and there was clutter everywhere. Wrappers from takeout and snacks, clothing here and there, his bed forever unmade and pillows strewn about as if they had a mind of their own. The tv was on but muted, for days now, the same channel.
It was a time warp.
He sat forward once more in his desk chair, laptop on the small desk in front of him. Approximately 26 tabs were open in his web browser.
Job boards, emails to now former professors asking for help finding employment so as to avoid the impending throes of poverty or moving away from an opportunity mecca, professional websites with information on how to truly amp up your online presence to make the ephemeral "best first impression in the virtual world, minus the handshake".
He rubbed his eyes and took a drink from his water bottle, choosing to stay at least partially sober in the afternoons these days, so he didn't send the wrong cover letter to the wrong employer, nor misspell his name or type out his parents' address instead of his own. Strong aspirin was still a must though, with staring at computer screens for so long. He had no choice.
At a time when everyone else had nothing but grins on their faces and a sense of happiness practically oozing from their pores at any given moment with their bright, shiny, planned out futures, he was struggling. He'd just graduated university, with a degree in music theory and philosophy. Useless, most would say, but when he went to university, he swore to himself he would do what he wanted. He wouldn't stay home and get stuck pursuing something he only vaguely liked. He wasn't going to end up like that.
He wouldn't settle at home, so why did it feel like he had to settle now?
Pursuing his specific passion didn't really have a pre-set path like many of his friends.
Siwon going into medical school, wanting to eventually become a pediatrician. Donghae getting drafted onto a professional soccer team after playing throughout university. Changmin getting hired right out of his internship at an accounting firm right in the heart of the financial district downtown.
It never really bothered him, he knew from the get go it was going to be hard, and he loved a challenge, but that didn't mean it wasn't ridiculously hard sometimes to keep going, keep moving when you felt like you had nothing left in you.
He'd called and been called by Zhou Mi, who was currently spending some time in China, so many times now. It helped more than he could ever probably tell his friend, that constant reassurance. Kyuhyun needed that more than he could explain, that reassurance.
The simple little reminders and confidence notes.
"It'll be okay."
"You're going to be alright."
"I know it's hard. I wish it wasn't. You deserve better."
"You will find something."
Kyuhyun felt annoying sometimes, though he knew in his heart he wasn't. Zhou Mi would help him with anything he could, whenever he could, and he appreciated that so much about his best friend.
But he wasn't sure how much more he could take, of this feeling, or, well, mix of feelings.
Being scared shitless every waking moment for so long now, he couldn't remember how he felt before. It was a normal part of his life, this fear.
The fear of not finding something he was, first and foremost, insanely passionate about, but that also made enough money to pay the bills and rent, that made enough money to keep him from moving back home, that made enough money for him to maybe save up a little bit to travel to Paris someday in the next couple of years pay back his student loans to keep him from adding on the fear of crushing debt for the next 20 years.
The fear of getting stuck.
He didn't have a specific dream, related to his career. He simply knew what he liked, and where he wanted to be. Sometimes he felt bad, like he was wrong or an unambitious person for not having a specific dream with specific steps to reach it. It'd probably be easier for him to try and follow instead of scrambling at this point, but that wasn't him. Kyuhyun had always floundered back and forth between his ideal job, never finding one that was a solid sticking possibility for more than a couple of months.
If he had one real goal, it would be to be happy.
He didn't need specifics.
His destiny feels would carry him where he needed to be.
And usually that was enough, but right now, it wasn't.
He had to be out of his apartment, 2 weeks from tomorrow, and he hadn't even started packing.
The fact was, he had no idea where he would be, in so many ways, mentally and physically, in a mere 14 days.
And that number would keep getting smaller, regardless. It was inevitable, and packing just made that reality more, well, real.
Kyuhyun was extremely capable. He was intelligent, brilliant, had all the potential in the world and all the support from everyone he came into contact with, wanting to help him succeed and live a life he wanted. He knew this. He could feel it in everything he did, in all of his interactions. His confidence was extremely real and a natural part of his life.
For fuck's sake, he'd taken the risk to pursue a field of studies he loved, and he'd graduated with an outstanding year under his belt, for all that had been happening.
But he was scared sick now.
He wasn't able to sleep very long anymore, not knowing the last time he slept for more than 4 hours at a time. Not knowing the last time he showered. Not knowing if he'd taken his medicine this evening before eating.
Kyuhyun was confident, fun loving, smile plastered across his face in every goddamn picture taken of him, but he also held himself to ridiculously high, and sometimes unrealistic expectations, and trying to fulfill these meant he stressed himself out more than necessary, having more mental breakdowns, head hanging heavy in his hands as he sobbed stains into his bedsheets and spare tshirts for God knows how long before it'd stop and he'd fall into a deep sleep.
With some help from Zhou Mi, he'd been getting better about not being so hard on himself. He'd taken steps to look at the bigger picture and realize his accomplishments, his capabilities, his outstanding essence as a human being.
But there still remained this fear that not only would others not be proud of him, to know him and associate with him, but that he'd let himself down still, even with the steps taken to be easier on himself.
It was destroying him, moreso currently than it had in a long time.
A slow process, yes, but it was happening. And he didn't know how much more he could take.
Some days he'd catch himself looking outside at the evening sky, the sun setting over the train tracks and through the trees, typically good at taking in the sheer beauty of the outdoors, but instead seeing it as another day passing without any success nor any closer to figuring out where he would be in 14 days.
He knew too, the important part was location, but how could he afford an apartment more expensive than his own without a job? How did he get a job without an apartment in mind? It was a vicious cycle that played over and over in his mind like a broken record, at every moment.
His parents didn't have the money to keep supporting him. His friends were all moving back home or across the country or to different countries, and he didn't have that many close friends to begin with.
He felt empty.
He'd tried to explain it to his mom once or twice, that feeling of waking up and not feeling right at all, feeling empty from fear. He couldn't do it though. She'd give him the same advice and confident assertions that everyone did, but he knew if he brought this up to her, it'd do more harm than good.
He'd been upset too often, his eyes becoming permanently darkened and swollen. He'd sing, but there was no heart to it. He'd work out with Siwon, but the post-workout endorphins didn't help much to fight the feeling. He'd go out with his friends who were still around, namely Siwon and Changmin, and he'd have a blast, but he'd come home and know in the back of his head that he still had work to do.
He didn't like being alone in the first place, to any extent really. He tended to hate everything when he was alone, and now, he felt more alone than he had in ages, for any number of reasons, and it wasn't a good feeling.
And for as much as he knew he didn't really have the time to focus on a significant other at the moment, someone safe to curl up into bed with was all that he wanted.
He wasn't truly alone. There were plenty of people in the same boat as him, not having things figured out and working in the same manner as him to try and figure them out, but he felt his situation was very different. It wasn't a pity party. He didn't do that to himself. No one has time for that. Nor was it his attempt to get attention. He wasn't actually much for having things focused on him.
Everyone has different experiences and different things happen for them at different times.
Everyone lives different lives, difficulties manifesting in any number or ways for different people.
But Kyuhyun was tired of his right now.
Tired of being scared. Tired of working for what felt like nothing. Tired of putting himself and his pride out there on the line to be whittled down, little by little.
He was wearing down.
He'd written and erased countless emails to his parents, trying to explain how he felt. He couldn't send them. They didn't need to worry about him anymore than they already did.
If Zhou Mi had known about the nights Kyuhyun had sat there with his number pulled up, ready to call, but opting for crying himself to sleep instead of bothering his friend on a different schedule, or vice versa, he'd punch him right in the face, or hug him while he wept. Probably both. He didn't want him to worry more either. Zhou Mi had already done too many nice things for him, stuff he didn't deserve in the least. Stuff he could never repay even if he worked his whole life to. Granted, the nights were so few that Kyuhyun could count them on one hand, but the fact remained.
He was just so afraid, so scared, of so many things right now. And he wasn't sure if he could ever really explain it fully, properly, to beget understanding.
And not much scared Kyuhyun, besides death and shetland ponies and the occasional butterfly fun moth, but it felt like everything else that scared him was compounded at the moment, leaving him drowning. Just drowning.
But, for as much as he was drowning, he would persevere, because if there was one thing Cho Kyuhyun had, it was dedication, and the ability to take whatever came his way. He was practical, level headed, determined. Absolutely so.
He was human, and broke down, exhausted from constantly working to throw his pride on the line to pursue his passion, but he knew, he knew it'd be alright.
As he sat there, forehead on the edge of his desk, tears silently streaming onto the floor below, he knew it would be okay.
He had so much support, from his parents and Zhou Mi and his friends, all reassuring him that he would be okay and things would work out for him, even if he didn't get an ideal right out of college job, it would be okay.
Kyuhyun had learned early on that things would never fall into his lap nor be obscenely easy for him, and that was okay by him. He would struggle, a lot, and get his spirits docked sometimes, but he was all the more determined because of it. He knew he was capable, and that he deserved good fortune and payoff for his hard work.
His destiny feels pushed him through at the core of everything.
He would be where he was meant to be, when he was meant to be there.
And he wouldn't be alone.
------------------
Kyuhuyn lifted his head off the edge of his desk and closed his laptop, texting Zhou Mi about some dinner he was wanting to try this evening. He wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his tshirt and took another drink of water.
He would start fresh tomorrow.
He didn't need to make himself any more sick tonight.
He would be fine, and things would fall into place for him, when they were meant to, little by little, and probably sooner than he thought.
Though he wasn't a patient person, he was doing what he could and things were out of his hands.
Destiny had control now.
Kyuhyun looked out the window at the sunset and picked up his camera.
He turned it on and snapped a couple of pictures.
The skyline was dusky pink, slightly hazy from the heat, and the building tops stretching as far as the eye could see.
If only for that brief moment, he appreciated the beauty of the sunset for what it was.
The sun persevered everyday, working to its setting in the evening.
Perseverance was key.
Kyuhyun could do it.
He stepped onto his small balcony amidst his laundry and let the warm spring breeze fill his lungs.
Large deep breaths.
Kyuhyun was going to be okay.