I need to stop avoiding LJ.

[lizziebeans531]

So, yeah, I am avoiding my journal.  Because I have too much I need to write and I can't think of what to write ~ all at the same time.  So I talked to C about the journal.  It went well, I am glad I gave it to her.  She brought up the OCD stuff.  Then I decided to look up OCD and read up on the topic.  It's hard to believe, but I don't think I ever took a good look at OCD and the symptoms, etc.  I really saw a lot of myself.  More than I ever thought.  For example:

Symptoms may include some, all, or perhaps none of the following:

• Repeated hand washing.
• Repeated clearing of the throat, although nothing may need to be cleared.
• Specific counting systems - e.g., counting in groups of four, arranging objects in groups of three, grouping objects in odd/even numbered groups, etc.
  • One serious symptom which stems from this is "counting" steps - e.g., feeling the necessity to take 12 steps to the car in the morning.
• Perfectly aligning objects at complete, absolute right angles, or aligning objects perfectly parallel etc.
• Having to "cancel out" bad thoughts with good thoughts. Examples of bad thoughts are:
  • Imagining harming a child and having to imagine a child playing happily to cancel it out.
  • Sexual obsessions or unwanted sexual thoughts.
• A fear of contamination; some sufferers may fear the presence of human body secretions such as saliva, sweat, tears, vomit, or mucus, or excretions such as urine or feces. Some OCD sufferers even fear that the soap they're using is contaminated.
• A need for both sides of the body to feel even. A person with OCD might walk down a sidewalk and step on a crack with the ball of their left foot, then feel the need to step on another crack with the ball of their right foot. If one hand gets wet, the sufferer may feel very uncomfortable if the other is not. If the sufferer is walking and bumps into something, he/she may hit the object or person back to feel a sense of evenness. These symptoms are also experienced in a reversed manner. Some sufferers would rather things to be uneven, favoring the preferred side of the body.
• An obsession with numbers (be it in maths class, watching TV, or in the room). Some people are obsessed with even numbers while loathing odd numbers (they cause them a great deal of anxiety and often make the person uncomfortable or even angry) or vice versa.
• OCD sufferers are aware that such thoughts and behavior are not rational, but feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread. Because sufferers are consciously aware of this irrationality but feel helpless to push it away, untreated OCD is often regarded as one of the most vexing and frustrating of the major anxiety disorders. Due to their insight into the abnormal nature of their compulsions, most OCD sufferers will meticulously hide their behaviors from others in order to avoid negative attention. This, combined with the fact that with some sufferers the compulsions are purely mental, means the disease is often nicknamed "the secret illness".

So, yeah, I think the OCD is worse than I ever realized.  And maybe it has something to do with being unable to focus.  I have read several articles in which they state that OCD can/is misdiagnosed as ADD or ADHD.  I have never been diagnosed with ADD, but it is my constant "joke" about myself.  My constant excuse to others as to why I can't focus/get stuff done.  In some ways I am so very "ADD", and in other ways I am the complete opposite of it.

Anyway, that's where I am.  Now I am obsessed with OCD.  Heh.  Part of me wants to give in to these symptoms even more, because there is a reason, an explanation.  I am not just lazy and crazy.  I hope.  I really really hope.  I also really hope there is something that can be done about it.  Before I lose my mind, my friends, my job...because if I give in to the symptoms that is what will happen.  But it is a constant fight.  Such a constant, hard fight.  And I'm getting really tired.