well blah its been awhile like always..
i wonder why i even write in this thing anymore, i have like four people that are able to read this.. but yet i feel it helps me in some way.. Its already been a month and some odd weeks that i have been single.. i am to the point where i can see why he wasnt right for me, and the little things he did that i notice now that were just plain rude, yet i tell myself i am over him and sick of his shit.. though i think of him from time to time and all the crazy memories i have with him.. you never really get that first person you loved out of your mind or heart ever, im going crazy! i feel lost.. confused .. pissed off .. i guess its not the holiday spirit going on for me.. i still cant believe its two days away.. i miss the old days when i would lie awake in bed excitied for what santa would bring me.. i miss it all the countless hours of playing and not having a care in the world.. i guess i have to be grown up if im off on my own in less than a year.. freaks the hell out of me.. i cant believe my brother is moving to chicago.. so yeah i dwell on the past more then i should.. i guess that what i get for being a kid at heart.. i just wanna scream.. i wanna beat something up.. lol i keep so much stuff to myself.. i wanna tell that one girl that she should stay out of my business that i wish she never got in the way of US!! That one boy that i hope hes happy and i wish he would have just had the balls to tell me the truth.. thats what hurts the mosts.. i wanna tell that old boyfriend first boyfriend that im sorry for the harsh words and fights afterwards that i miss him and that he is awesome.. and im sorry.. to my old friend that i miss him and wish we still hung out.. i have lost many friends.. they come and go.. yet i dont seem to hold on to them all.. it sucks but i have my girls and boys that will always be there! i wish my father would be happy around christmas time.. he only thinks of money it controls him.. i know were not rich and have bills but i wish he would look past that sometimes and just be happy not stress so much and see how thankful he should be for what hes got.. i wish him and my mom would get along.. and talk through things.. i think they do need to get help,not that they cant do it on themselves but i think someone could really help them.. i wish my brother would notice that he cant always get what he wants, i can say i WISH a lot but what i want most is to feel happy with myself.. it sounds real girlie of me but i wanna like my body i wanna let go of my regrets and feel free not locked down by this fear i have of just about everything.. im crazy lost and confused but what i know is i love everyone and everything that i know.. :)