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Friday, December 29, 2006
Pffft....
So my positive is your negative..... And if my negative is your positive...... Where does that leave us? Where does that leave you? And where in the Hell does that leave me.....
It leaves me at poetry....My personal worst quality...But you all seem to fucking love it.
Sometimes, I just want to start walking,
Because it's easier for me than just talking,
I'm pulling strings on your hearts and mine,
You never should have befriended a girl of my kind,
I really just guess I have a certain type of need,
That is somehow fueled by what I think is greed,
When did I lose it all... And what was given away,
What was stolen and what can I beg to just stay,
Who can I wish I had back more than the rest,
And still look at them thinking they're just second best,
Who can I convice to save me when you've all tried,
And how do I make up for all the times that I've lied,
Things I had there, things I have here it's all combined,
It's pretty like a picture, and the blood flows like wine,
Still the only thing that flows are the fucking tears,
They've run uselessly like this for all of these years,
No matter how many tears I can put in this world,
I don't change a thing on this unending tilt a whirl.
Red.
Shines Brightly.
Skin So Soft.
Clear Mistakes.
6:51 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Pursuit of Happiness
So.... I noticed something. Bare with me.
Caitlynn, Amanda, Liz, Kayla, Tim.... Other random names of people I didn't see turning on me... Well they did. and All aside from Tim, it was pretty much all my fault. Hell, Tim was probably my fault too. But See.... I noticed that I never saw it coming cause these were the people that could make me smile and make me feel like gold. I don't know if it's that I treat people I love like shit or if I take it all for granted but either way it doesn't work out...
Randy, Jess, Bobby, Mallrats at random.... All sort of.... Cling to me in a way. The more frustrated with them I get the closer they want to get to me to solve the problems... And as much as I do care about them (and I do in odd ways) I just sort of hate them. Because they try to hard to get to a person that's been just blah for way too long for anyone to fix it.
Richard, Jenni... I dunno who else at the moment.... All just love me.... And.... watch me fuck up and I know it hurts them to see me make bad choices when they know i'm going to do it and they can't stop me. I think.
My mom, my dad, Brit.... dissapoint them so very much. Now the parents I see yea okay my full fault there... And I try not to upset Brit but I'm human....
Just.... I don't know how to make me happy and right now the only person that comes to my head is... well two people. Jason and Jeremy. Yeah Weird combo. Richard would make me too happy and I'd freak out again.... Me and Jason always play fought and got any agression out that way and I fucking loved it... I miss it. And Jeremy.... Always fucked me over somehow but made me feel the best I've ever felt just by looking me in the eye and telling me he loved me. Even if it was a lie. But I know if I looked him in the eye now it'd be different...Too much was said, too much was left unsaid... Technically when he got locked up I was on speaking terms with him, I called him for advice even.
I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I had a point but I forgot it and I wish I hadn't because it was a good point.
Oh yea....
I suck.
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Mass Murder/Suicide
So here's mine and Randy's idea (Randy the 'crazy guy' ) we're going to go back to Donna's house and stage a mass murder suicide where we kill dave and donna and the bologna monster and then a gun that shoots a sword is going to kill me randy and jenni... And then Jess is going to come in and kill herself samuri like and then randy's mom is going to come in and jump out the window and then one of the cops is going to know her and kill himself and then half the cop force dies ......
But think about it....
People would be talking about that one for years.
5:11 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Recent letter to a friend
...I don't know what to say. .. I don't know if there is anything to say to take back that day. To start over and to have actually showed you that I care deeply about you... Instead I was already annoyed and just snapped. I'm sorry... That's all I really can say.... And this entire thing has been blown way out of proportion... I want to see you. I want to be held by you. Sure, you and I wouldn't be able to hold a relationship right now and it'd be my fault that we would break up. Just because of where I am mentally right now... I'm no-body's dream girl, hun. No matter how much anyone says... I am not right for anyone. I have one fatal flaw: Love shatters. Horribly and I'm so very clumbsy with everything. My love life, My home life... My school life... I am all around a horrible person. I just wish people could see that. ... I wish people knew.
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Monday, December 11, 2006
GAH!
So... Bobby is like in love with me.
Some Indiana guy wants me...
Ben just told me that he wants to date me at some point.
.....But.....
But...But...But...
I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK FOR THIS!!
*sniffle* I miss my Richard... *sniffle*
And my Ashley for that fact... But Ashley can actually come visit and I can hug and hold her...
Richard's up in fucking Rawhide.
And they want to put him in detention or send him to fucking Wales cause of his fucking religion.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT KIND OF SHIT??
They're talking about sending him away for two years...
MARK MY FUCKING WORDS:
If Richard is put away for two years... There will be no more Sarah-Jane Katt.
I will fucking go off the deep end.
So yea.
Anyway....
If I all of a sudden stop talking to you... Start ignoring your calls (and that is if I ignore you for like a month straight. Otherwise I just don't want to talk to you at the moment).... Perhaps you've heard I'm talking about you behind your back (in which case FUCKING ASK If I'm going to talk about you behind your back, I'm going to be willing to admit to it.) Just deal with it. I'm changing the gears of life at the moment. I should be back to my normal self in like two months. (after the random UA's and the rehab is all over with)
Now, if I talk to you more. Maybe seem to take more interest in you... Either it's because I need (or would really like) your support in all of this. Or I want your nuts and you haven't figured it out yet. Hell ... It may even be that I'm trying to fuck with you just for my own sick sober amusement.
I miss a lot of people right now and this blog is all about my feelings so if it seems like i'm just bitching about things... YEA I FUCKING AM DEAL WITH IT STOP READING.
Damn. I feel like a bitch... or a whore. Either one. A bitchy whore? A whorey bitch? A bitchy whore. There we go. That's all that I am. (Or so I hear nearly everyday cause people don't take the time to ask me whether or not I fucked their ex (that they've been 'completely over' for god knows how long) in a fucking mall bathroom... DO YOU KNOW WHO GOES TO THE BATHROOM IN OUR MALL? I didn't think so. I'm not about to fuck someone in a bathroom unless it's mine. Or Rae's (just kidding! she may get a chuckle out of that one, cause she was the one who pointed out that she would only use her bathroom since she cleans it.(I might as well say or Julia's, cayse I did that in her upstairs bathroom once. Let's not even go there.)) ANYWAY! I just hate when people believe ludacris things like that.
Anyway. So back to my rant. Which I now forgot, damn again.
If a conversation inside your head be held between two people in different states and both of them know what's going on without actually knowing that they're talking about and that reminds you of your 'best friend' who is able to read minds whether she remembers she has that talent or not.... WHat does that mean?
Oh nevermind fucking A!
So like the whore I am... I need to get laid. But unlike the whore you all think I am... I'm not about to fuck any tom dick or harry that comes along. (though if Richard came along you all know I'd go for him in a heartbeat) I just want to be held more than anything... And you think that'd be easy but it's not at all because you can be in someone's arms and still be all the fuck alone.
Today.... I was in someone's arms that made me feel safe and secure... Too bad I will never let myself try and get him back cause I'm not about to hurt him again. Even though he tells me he understands and I don't doubt that he does... I just know that it still hurt him.
I miss Tim. Cause he was good in bed and made me feel safe and secure.
Dude you know what i just found out? i'm a pretty fast typist when i actually look at the keyboard. even though right now i'm not and i'm still typing pretty fast. but that's okay. i don't know why i pointed that out.
and now for the random ending:
I have to poo
6:56 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I'm sorry, so sorry. But this is all our fault. (yes, ours)
I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
No matter how i try i don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain
[Chorus:]
With this knife i'll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you
I can't believe the way you took me down
I never saw the pain
Coming in a million broken miles
Like poison for my veins
[Chorus]
The hate and the fear
The nightmares that wake me up
In tears
The nightmares and (the hate)...
~~~~~~~~~~
You never listen to me,
You cannot look me in the eyes.
I have struggled to see
Why its so easy to push me aside....
I no longer believe,
That you were ever on my side.
How could you know what I need,
When I'm the last thing on your mind...
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
[chorus]
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
You dont really know me,
I dont think you ever even tried
We're on the same routine
Where you say you never have the time
What do you want me to be?
Do you want me in your life?
I feel so incomplete
You left me to fall behind
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
[chorus]
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
Its too hard to just move on
Its easier said then done
Its too hard to just move on
Its easier said then done
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
[chorus]
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected
When will this cycle end
So disconnected
So disconnected
When will this cycle end?
~~~~~~~
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
~~~~~~~~
When I see her eyes
Look into my eyes
Then I realize that
She could see inside my head
So I close my eyes
Thinking that I could hide
Disassociate so I don't have to lose my head
This situation leads to agitation
Will she cut me off?
Will this be an amputation?
I don't know,
If I care
I'm the jerk,
Life's not fair
Fighting all the time
This is out of line
She loves me not, loves me not
Do you realize, I won't compromise
She loves me not, loves me not
Over the past five (*cough*Seven*cough*) years
I have shed my tears
I have drank my beers and watched my fears fly away
And untill this day
She still swings my way
But it's sad to say sometimes
She says she loves me not
But I hesitate
To tell her I hate
This relationship
I want out today
This is over
I don't know
If I care
I'm the jerk
Life's not fair
Fighting all the time
This is out of line
She loves me not, loves me not
Do you realize I won't compromise
She loves me not
Life's not fair
I'm the jerk
Line for line, ryhme for ryhme
Sometimes we'll be fighting all the goddamn time
It's makin' me sick
Relationship is gettin' ill
Piss drunk stupid
Mad
On the real, could you feel
What I feel, what's the deal girl
Tearin' up each others world
We should be in harmony
Boy (*cough*girl*cough*) and girl
That is a promise we made
Back in the day
We told each other things wouldn't be this way
I think we should work this out
It's alright baby, we can scream and shout.
I don't know
If I care
I'm the jerk
Life's not fair
Fighting all the time
This is out of line
She loves me not, loves me not
Do you realize I won't compromise
She loves me not, loves me not
Life's not fair
Life's not fair
Life's not fair
I'm the jerk
Life's not fair
She loves me not
Loves me not
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Done for now.... Thoughts? Comments? Insults? Sympathsies? (If you're adding either of the last two... shove it up your fucking ass.)
4:02 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, December 04, 2006
Blah
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past
I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real
So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see
I beg don't leave me
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real
Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then continues in the background]
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home
7:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, December 02, 2006
You, read this.... NOW!
Don't ask me to drink... If I feel like drinking with you, I'll ask you.
Don't ask me to do pills... I won't. Period.
Don't tell me to spend my money on pot... I've better things to do with my life.
No, I won't go out and get wasted with you this weekend...
And no, I don't care if I'm 'not fun anymore'.
Off of that subject...
If you hear something about me... Come to me and ask. Don't just assume and accuse...
And if someone says I'm admitting to something to them, and I tell you it's not true... Think this:
If I admit it to them, I'm willing to admit it to anyone...
And if I'm not... I wouldn't tell someone with a huge mouth.
Thank you for your time.
8:29 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, December 01, 2006
So.... Psych ward much?
I wrote you a letter in the psych ward....
But I ripped it up and threw it away.
All because I finally found myself.
And realized you've just been in the way.
You've been telling me for years now,
"You need to help yourself before you can help me."
But I finally figured it out...You won't like it.
We need to be apart to cross that fatass sea.
I'm no good for you, you're no good for me.
Not until we find ourselves...Not until we're both free.
I'm free now, and I guess you think you are...
But I'll tell you now... I'll wait for thee.
8:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Good god almighty.
^^^^^
That is all I have to say.
...... Psh. You don't know what the truth is.
So how can you say that's all you tell?
Anyway!
So...
....
Kay yea.
9:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove