why don't i care?
At 25 i’ve grown out of my mallratting stage in life..... actually i’ve never really been one for chilling at the mall or shopping for that matter, but walking around the mall during the Christmas season has always been a secret joy of mine. It’s not just my attraction to crowds in general. It’s the face that i’m surrounded by people who mostly have a purpose in being there. You can almost taste the determination of people to get their shopping done. The anarchy of the stores as they’re pillaged for all the newest clothing and toys. The staffers faces as they try to be helpful while actually totally stressed out. The children and their parents, some happy with anticipation of gifts to come, parents keenly paying attention to what catches their eye. Babies alert. Not knowing what is going on, but keenly aware of the same energy that I’m enjoying . I like to walk around the crowd and just soak it in. People watch. I can remember a time when i would also love the fact that there would ALWAYS be somebody that i would know and have a chance to share a little soundbyte with. Now, I try to avoid these interactions whenever i see them coming. The superficial “how are you?”s and “great to see ya!”s Ruin the purity of the experience now. Maybe its another way i’ve found to have a vacation from my real life.
I’ve been up for about 24hours straight now. Off my meds for twice that. Wanted to make sure that they wern’t effecting my kidney. I got my results back today and I’m a-ok. My dad was pretty worried. I wasn’t. But something kind of scared me...
Andrew got in touch with me on Friday and told me he wanted to kill himself. He said he had done nothing with his life and just wanted to end it because he gets so sad sometimes. I talked with him for a while, gave him some crisis numbers and even threatened to call the police, but told him, i really couldn’t help him. I couldn’t think if a reason that he might want to live. I mean I want him around, but thats because I love him as a friend. But putting myself in his shoes, i couldn’t think of what i’d want to love for. The whole exchange made me think about myself, more particularly regarding my results. I found myself not worried at all because i really didn’t care if I lived or died. I don’t want to kill myself, nor do I actually WANT to die, but i was completly indifferent to my survival. It got me thinking, normal people don’t react like this. I figure the average 25yr old would be upset, being robbed of a lifetime. I was already to fade to black. Leave on a good note. Have I really maxed out? Have i touched all the lives worth touching?? The experience brought back memories of news of my mothers cancer. I may be an emotional cripple. As i write this im trying to think about what truly makes me happy, and sadly i’m at a loss. Even more tragically i feel i may always have been. I just get by on the temporary fix of the joys of others in my company, and uplifting music in my lonesome.
I’ve been up for about 24hours straight now. Off my meds for twice that. Wanted to make sure that they wern’t effecting my kidney. I got my results back today and I’m a-ok. My dad was pretty worried. I wasn’t. But something kind of scared me...
Andrew got in touch with me on Friday and told me he wanted to kill himself. He said he had done nothing with his life and just wanted to end it because he gets so sad sometimes. I talked with him for a while, gave him some crisis numbers and even threatened to call the police, but told him, i really couldn’t help him. I couldn’t think if a reason that he might want to live. I mean I want him around, but thats because I love him as a friend. But putting myself in his shoes, i couldn’t think of what i’d want to love for. The whole exchange made me think about myself, more particularly regarding my results. I found myself not worried at all because i really didn’t care if I lived or died. I don’t want to kill myself, nor do I actually WANT to die, but i was completly indifferent to my survival. It got me thinking, normal people don’t react like this. I figure the average 25yr old would be upset, being robbed of a lifetime. I was already to fade to black. Leave on a good note. Have I really maxed out? Have i touched all the lives worth touching?? The experience brought back memories of news of my mothers cancer. I may be an emotional cripple. As i write this im trying to think about what truly makes me happy, and sadly i’m at a loss. Even more tragically i feel i may always have been. I just get by on the temporary fix of the joys of others in my company, and uplifting music in my lonesome.