It's been a long long long long time
and my life is very different now. I am different now. But I'm not catching up. That would take too long. Let's just jump in.
I'm exhausted. Coping with a friend's breakdown, taking care of her very ill cat, and sorting through the interpersonal situation that led to her instability, on top of my regular responsibilities. Is a lot. It's almost easier in crisis mode but that's over and now I'm just shot. Fried. My executive function blew a fuse. My ability to care for myself is wounded. It takes awhile to recover from something like this. Which reminds me how relatively fragile the order in my life really is. Lydia comes first, obviously. It's hard to figure myself in. And the household. Of course it's all connected. If I completely ignore any part of it, it hurts her. She seems like she's doing well though. She's almost walking! And so happy.
The most exhausting part is figuring out how to deal with someone who is unstable, and lies. Not that I've never lied or anything, but I don't understand liars. I don't know if I should try to "beat" them or not play their game... I don't know what it is they want or need... or if I do, I don't know how to give it to them in a way they'll accept. It seems like making a world full of lies - not just false impressions and imperfect understandings, maybe even stupid opinions, like everybody, but deliberate untruths - makes everything more complicated. It seems like liars get lost in their lies, and can no longer find even their own truths, after awhile. How do you throw a rope to someone who's deep down in that hole? Because as angry and violated as being lied to makes me feel, I have compassion for the liar. I think ultimately, they are losing at their own game. I want to give them a hand.