do you control your brain? or does it control you...
schizophrenia is the sort of thing one can learn to master, if it doesn't master you first. all i ever really get is thoughts. hallucinations are pretty rare... sometimes a little visual distortiong... but it's mostly the thoughts. little seeds of paranoid delusion that i can choose to nurture or not. and i choose not to. but they are weird. it's like, i can think at any given moment: if i was being delusional, i would think _________. and hey, maybe that's the truth. but probably not.
people say that truth is subjective. i agree, in that all we can ever know of the truth will be subjective. but i believe in an objective truth. i just don't think i'll ever know it. at least not while i'm me.
i'll probably always consider possibilities that other people don't consider, because i know how much i don't know. i know the extent to which i can delude myself. and i believe everyone does it, to one extent or another.
there are still some things that remain unexplained for me, though. some certain conincidences and synchronicities that match up a little too well with my own fantastic mania world. and it's possible that they only seem significant to me because of my schizophrenic perception. everything has more meaning than it really should when you're schizo. it makes coming back to consensual reality less than pleasant, because you're entering back into the pedestrian world of banality.
of course, this all calls into question the relationship between perception and reality. some people say that we perceive things because they're real. others say that things are real because we perceive them. i don't know. i'm not too interested in the theoretical philosophical implications. that's for people with too much time on their hands. i just want to know why i perceive things differently, and the relationship between my perception and some objective reality.
enough for now. gah... it's so hard with philosophy to say what you mean instead of getting caught up in the eternal battle of semantics.