feeling like crap
it seems like i feel so much worse at night, when all the distractions of the world are gone and i'm alone with my thoughts. i hate being alone with my thoughts. i'm so sad. i don't know what to think and i don't know what to do. my dad thinks the image of him dying in the hospital is what i have stuck in my head that's bothering me but it's not. he was alive then. it's the image of him dead in the coffin that i can't get out of my head. i dont know what im supposed to think.
while my mom and i were looking for pictures, i found his lucky rock. its this little black rock that he always had in his pocket all throughout my childhood, with all of his change. he would pull the rock and his change out, give me the change and have me kiss his rock for good luck. apparently i picked it up in a riverbed in tennessee or something when i was a little girl and he had carried it ever since. i don't remember that but i do remember the rock. he changed it to every new pair of pants, along with his wallet and his money.
i wanted to put the rock in his pocket, just like it always had been. and i almost did, until i realized i have absolutely nothing physical that he really gave me that means anything. i just have this little rock. and i couldnt put it in the coffin with him. so now im looking at it on my bed and i cant stop crying. i wish i wore pants more often so i could always carry the little rock on my person. i would carry it in my bra but it might fall out and then i would freak. he supported me as much as my mom did while i was growing up but he always gave my grandma or me money and we'd go buy things. he never went shopping himself to pick me out something, except for my first car. i couldnt let go of this little rock. i put an antique marble in his pocket. he had these big glass jars of antique marbles and he would play with them with me when i was really little, before he could teach me to play card games. according to his best friend who gave the eulogy, he liked to play marbles when he was a boy, too. so i felt even better about the marble. but i did want to give him his rock, i just couldnt give it up.
i cant really accept the fact that i'll never see him again. i'll never get to hug him again, i couldnt hug him in the hospital and he couldnt really talk to me. but i knew that he knew i was there. he was aware of it, i know it. i could see how the sound of my voice and hearing me calmed him down when he was upset. i said goodbye but he couldnt say anything back to me. i dont understand that i'll never call him again and hear him call me sweetums. i had forgotten what he called me, but i remembered one day. i can still remember what his voice sounded like in my head but i know that those kind of memories fade pretty quickly. i dont think anyone has a recording of his voice. i wish they did.
i made a big slide show for the viewing, and i burned copies for people. i'm so glad we looked for those pictures. there were some really great pictures. he was suffering so much in the hopsital. my dad couldnt stay and watch but i had to, i had to talk to him while he was coughing and choking. i knew when my mom and i left the next morning that i'd never see him again. i wasnt surprised when my dad called me a couple hours later. i knew. i had said my goodbyes and i had hoped he would hear them. he was smiling in so few of his pictures. he just didnt ever seem to smile.
i cant talk about this with anyone, i dont know why. i just cant talk. i dont even cry in the daytime if i can help it but at night i just cant keep my mind away. i just sit with my little rock and get so upset. i was going to spend the summer with him but it was too late. i have so many regrets. i have so many regrets. and memories. i have so many memories. i dont want to lose any of them. i'm so afraid and sad. i've always been so afraid of death. i'll never see his face again and i never said so many things, i never asked so many questions. i'm just so confused and sad. i dont understand and i'm afraid. i wish i knew he was there somewhere but i just dont have faith. and i'm scared. i miss him. he was so sweet. he was so sweet to me. he yelled at everyone sometimes but he never yelled at me. he had such a pretty singing voice. he never went on any vacations with us. i don't know why. i dont know why.
while my mom and i were looking for pictures, i found his lucky rock. its this little black rock that he always had in his pocket all throughout my childhood, with all of his change. he would pull the rock and his change out, give me the change and have me kiss his rock for good luck. apparently i picked it up in a riverbed in tennessee or something when i was a little girl and he had carried it ever since. i don't remember that but i do remember the rock. he changed it to every new pair of pants, along with his wallet and his money.
i wanted to put the rock in his pocket, just like it always had been. and i almost did, until i realized i have absolutely nothing physical that he really gave me that means anything. i just have this little rock. and i couldnt put it in the coffin with him. so now im looking at it on my bed and i cant stop crying. i wish i wore pants more often so i could always carry the little rock on my person. i would carry it in my bra but it might fall out and then i would freak. he supported me as much as my mom did while i was growing up but he always gave my grandma or me money and we'd go buy things. he never went shopping himself to pick me out something, except for my first car. i couldnt let go of this little rock. i put an antique marble in his pocket. he had these big glass jars of antique marbles and he would play with them with me when i was really little, before he could teach me to play card games. according to his best friend who gave the eulogy, he liked to play marbles when he was a boy, too. so i felt even better about the marble. but i did want to give him his rock, i just couldnt give it up.
i cant really accept the fact that i'll never see him again. i'll never get to hug him again, i couldnt hug him in the hospital and he couldnt really talk to me. but i knew that he knew i was there. he was aware of it, i know it. i could see how the sound of my voice and hearing me calmed him down when he was upset. i said goodbye but he couldnt say anything back to me. i dont understand that i'll never call him again and hear him call me sweetums. i had forgotten what he called me, but i remembered one day. i can still remember what his voice sounded like in my head but i know that those kind of memories fade pretty quickly. i dont think anyone has a recording of his voice. i wish they did.
i made a big slide show for the viewing, and i burned copies for people. i'm so glad we looked for those pictures. there were some really great pictures. he was suffering so much in the hopsital. my dad couldnt stay and watch but i had to, i had to talk to him while he was coughing and choking. i knew when my mom and i left the next morning that i'd never see him again. i wasnt surprised when my dad called me a couple hours later. i knew. i had said my goodbyes and i had hoped he would hear them. he was smiling in so few of his pictures. he just didnt ever seem to smile.
i cant talk about this with anyone, i dont know why. i just cant talk. i dont even cry in the daytime if i can help it but at night i just cant keep my mind away. i just sit with my little rock and get so upset. i was going to spend the summer with him but it was too late. i have so many regrets. i have so many regrets. and memories. i have so many memories. i dont want to lose any of them. i'm so afraid and sad. i've always been so afraid of death. i'll never see his face again and i never said so many things, i never asked so many questions. i'm just so confused and sad. i dont understand and i'm afraid. i wish i knew he was there somewhere but i just dont have faith. and i'm scared. i miss him. he was so sweet. he was so sweet to me. he yelled at everyone sometimes but he never yelled at me. he had such a pretty singing voice. he never went on any vacations with us. i don't know why. i dont know why.