One more thing before I go...
This life is a precious commodity. I remember at one point I was laying, and almost dying in a hospital bed when I was struck with a revelation I have so easily forgotten since. The things I would let myself get upset over so easily didn’t matter in retrospect. The “problems” in my life didn’t seem so bad when all I wanted to do was to not be sick anymore. I wanted to get back to those problems so badly I was tempted to pull out the IVs, smash the breathing machine and high tail it out of that horrible place. When I was finally able to leave, it was as though the thoughts and experiences I’d had were erased from my memory immediately. Perhaps this means no “life changing experience” could really do anything for me, maybe I’m forever doomed to my own self loathing and continuous unhealthy cycles. Or maybe not...
It’s time for me to be truthful, because this is seriously it for me and this strange forum I’ve made a part of my daily routine. This is the last you’ll hear from me on this.
Despite my negative attitude, and seemingly never ending emoness/self pity...I’m not entirely un-happy. I think I, among other variables have tricked a happy girl into thinking she’s something else. It’s silly, and that’s all I can say about it. I have hopes and dreams. I have some good friends. I have a supportive family. I have had the opportunity to further my education past high school (I graduated high school), and I have a shitty but sometimes uplifting job. I can’t really ask for much more, except for maybe a million dollars, but that will come in time.
But there are some things though that do get me down, and honestly make me sad. People, friends mostly...who take advantage of my weaknesses to ONE: get stuff: rides, money, sex, a good laugh at someone who’s weaker in some areas then them. TWO: take aggressions out on, knowing I am new at this whole “sticking up for myself” thing. That kind of stuff does get me down, even though I know if I were a “stronger person” it wouldn’t even happen. Well, it does, and in some areas I’m not strong...but I try to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good person, and to do this successfully you do need to be strong...I know I‘m not entirely weak. No one is perfect. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on not letting people do this to me, but I know that I don’t always recognize when it’s happening, and it takes time to know how to differentiate doing a genuine favor for someone from being used. Or at least it is for me.
Another thing that makes me sad, or mad, or sick or whatever...is how it is so easy for a certain person to treat me like complete shit. Ignore my requests, ignore my feelings....you say you’re not emotionless, you may not be, but when it comes to how you deal with me, you are.
There are things in my life that need to be eliminated and I’m working on it. They are called additions. Livejournal is one of them, cigarettes another, feeling down another, certain relationships are others, pot another, Denny’s another, over-sleeping another, booze another. We all have them, but don’t do much to change when they become destructive. Some of those are more destructive than others....I’m starting small....
Goodbye LJ. Maybe I’ll come back someday when all I have to write is how great things are...until then, our time together is long over due.
It’s time for me to be truthful, because this is seriously it for me and this strange forum I’ve made a part of my daily routine. This is the last you’ll hear from me on this.
Despite my negative attitude, and seemingly never ending emoness/self pity...I’m not entirely un-happy. I think I, among other variables have tricked a happy girl into thinking she’s something else. It’s silly, and that’s all I can say about it. I have hopes and dreams. I have some good friends. I have a supportive family. I have had the opportunity to further my education past high school (I graduated high school), and I have a shitty but sometimes uplifting job. I can’t really ask for much more, except for maybe a million dollars, but that will come in time.
But there are some things though that do get me down, and honestly make me sad. People, friends mostly...who take advantage of my weaknesses to ONE: get stuff: rides, money, sex, a good laugh at someone who’s weaker in some areas then them. TWO: take aggressions out on, knowing I am new at this whole “sticking up for myself” thing. That kind of stuff does get me down, even though I know if I were a “stronger person” it wouldn’t even happen. Well, it does, and in some areas I’m not strong...but I try to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good person, and to do this successfully you do need to be strong...I know I‘m not entirely weak. No one is perfect. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on not letting people do this to me, but I know that I don’t always recognize when it’s happening, and it takes time to know how to differentiate doing a genuine favor for someone from being used. Or at least it is for me.
Another thing that makes me sad, or mad, or sick or whatever...is how it is so easy for a certain person to treat me like complete shit. Ignore my requests, ignore my feelings....you say you’re not emotionless, you may not be, but when it comes to how you deal with me, you are.
There are things in my life that need to be eliminated and I’m working on it. They are called additions. Livejournal is one of them, cigarettes another, feeling down another, certain relationships are others, pot another, Denny’s another, over-sleeping another, booze another. We all have them, but don’t do much to change when they become destructive. Some of those are more destructive than others....I’m starting small....
Goodbye LJ. Maybe I’ll come back someday when all I have to write is how great things are...until then, our time together is long over due.