2 am thoughts
classes are finally over, thank the lord. now it's just massive
test-prep time. beginning today, we're supposed to have 24/7 quiet
hours, but of course nobody on this floor is going to adhere to that.
to think that i chose furnald because i believed it to be quiet...
compared to other dorms, perhaps, but i still often find my floor
difficult to tolerate. it's difficult to be aggressive about these
things because you have to live with these people. nice, friendly kids
and all... but loud and annoying. and don't get me started on the music.
i'm definitely looking forward to coming home, although i'm now starting to wish that i'd taken advantage of my semester here in new york. you'd think with all the things i have to do here that i'd never be in my room. that's what i was thinking when i applied, but the story played out differently. some years from now i'll look back and wish i'd not wasted my time here... but that's too far ahead for me to imagine right now. my exams are over on the 20th and my flight leaves on the 23rd. that gives me a little bit of time to just relax and enjoy new york. hopefully i'll do something worth mentioning. namely, ice skating at the rockefeller center rink beneath the gloriously ornamented tree!
so right now, it's almost 2, and i'm sort of in limbo here. for the first time i've been relieved of any specific task, other than to study for these finals. the night is still young, at least physiologically, because i just can't sleep. i've simply spent too many nights, such as last night, working (or procrastinating) into the early morning hours. many different suggestions are coming to me at once: study, sleep, relax... i don't know what i can even do.
i feel like this semester, i've really just been going through the motions without really putting my heart into this thing. i've not made any attempts to explore my interests through campus activities, and as for school, though i am being forced to do a lot more work and study than i've ever done (which has always been none), i find myself always doing the minimum on assignments, hoping to get away with a half-assed job done at the last minute. what am i here for, then? as dear professor helfand puts it, "a degree and not an education."
i know where i want to go after columbia, but it's as if i've been so inundated with choices, things to do, people to see at the present that i've become overwhelmed and deliberately locked myself in. this is more or less what has happened. on weekends i seek the security of michael's company and lose myself in comfort until sunday night, when reality hits again. i'm reaching out slowly, but there is just... so much here. won't somebody organize my choices into a neat little chart for me so i can do as little thinking as possible? this is pretty much why i need a subscription to "time out new york"
and to further elaborate on why i haven't been able to embrace college very well: i've not once been to a party nor partaken of drink or substance. this should not be a big deal, but it really does alienate me from others at times. it's really not my cup of tea, and it was never the activity of choice for all the friends i've ever had. it's perfectly fine that people want to engage in those activities (after all... michael), but i wish i could find people with whom i could just relax and have fun without making those things a requirement. it doesn't help that i prefer intimate company to large groups. ideally i want someone who just likes to sit around and watch movies and eat junk food, or play video games, or just hang out. i'm also always happy to do anything academically or culturally enriching, as long as it doesn't break the bank or interrupt my last minute homework... and i love having occasions to dress up, too! (since i never do, and everybody here thinks i'm an absolute slob)
it's just that i've always had friends who appreciated those simple pleasures. people around whom i didn't have to be fake, excessively cold and distant or obnoxiously warm and friendly. i didn't have to be "pc" all the time, i could say whatever the hell i wanted and people could laugh at it because that was just my brand of humor and form of expression. i also wasn't required to be at the top of my intellectual game all the time, nor particuarly charming and attractive. i just had to be me.
(and i've also realized how nice it was to have friends who shared my values.)
honestly, being here makes me feel like i have a very dull personality, and it also makes me wonder how i ever had any friends at all. i also have a slight suspicion that people find me rather vapid because of the way i project myself. my god, it is vicious here! what happened to all the really geeky kids like me?
so this semester has been pretty blank and unremarkable. i'm still optimistic in spite of the disappointment i've faced at the realization that college isn't quite as glamorous as i thought it would be. hopefully, after taking some time to relax over break (i was only home for less than two weeks between three months in california and this semester) i will come back, fully energized to make another attempt to take on new york.
ps (for those who know what i'm talking about): so far michael and i have completed gundam seed. now we're in the middle of gundam seed destiny, bleach, and fullmetal alchemist. what's happening to me?
1) thanksgiving break: travis / me / alan
2) last friday: low library under snow!!
3) saturday: me / michael on college walk
the end.
i'm definitely looking forward to coming home, although i'm now starting to wish that i'd taken advantage of my semester here in new york. you'd think with all the things i have to do here that i'd never be in my room. that's what i was thinking when i applied, but the story played out differently. some years from now i'll look back and wish i'd not wasted my time here... but that's too far ahead for me to imagine right now. my exams are over on the 20th and my flight leaves on the 23rd. that gives me a little bit of time to just relax and enjoy new york. hopefully i'll do something worth mentioning. namely, ice skating at the rockefeller center rink beneath the gloriously ornamented tree!
so right now, it's almost 2, and i'm sort of in limbo here. for the first time i've been relieved of any specific task, other than to study for these finals. the night is still young, at least physiologically, because i just can't sleep. i've simply spent too many nights, such as last night, working (or procrastinating) into the early morning hours. many different suggestions are coming to me at once: study, sleep, relax... i don't know what i can even do.
i feel like this semester, i've really just been going through the motions without really putting my heart into this thing. i've not made any attempts to explore my interests through campus activities, and as for school, though i am being forced to do a lot more work and study than i've ever done (which has always been none), i find myself always doing the minimum on assignments, hoping to get away with a half-assed job done at the last minute. what am i here for, then? as dear professor helfand puts it, "a degree and not an education."
i know where i want to go after columbia, but it's as if i've been so inundated with choices, things to do, people to see at the present that i've become overwhelmed and deliberately locked myself in. this is more or less what has happened. on weekends i seek the security of michael's company and lose myself in comfort until sunday night, when reality hits again. i'm reaching out slowly, but there is just... so much here. won't somebody organize my choices into a neat little chart for me so i can do as little thinking as possible? this is pretty much why i need a subscription to "time out new york"
and to further elaborate on why i haven't been able to embrace college very well: i've not once been to a party nor partaken of drink or substance. this should not be a big deal, but it really does alienate me from others at times. it's really not my cup of tea, and it was never the activity of choice for all the friends i've ever had. it's perfectly fine that people want to engage in those activities (after all... michael), but i wish i could find people with whom i could just relax and have fun without making those things a requirement. it doesn't help that i prefer intimate company to large groups. ideally i want someone who just likes to sit around and watch movies and eat junk food, or play video games, or just hang out. i'm also always happy to do anything academically or culturally enriching, as long as it doesn't break the bank or interrupt my last minute homework... and i love having occasions to dress up, too! (since i never do, and everybody here thinks i'm an absolute slob)
it's just that i've always had friends who appreciated those simple pleasures. people around whom i didn't have to be fake, excessively cold and distant or obnoxiously warm and friendly. i didn't have to be "pc" all the time, i could say whatever the hell i wanted and people could laugh at it because that was just my brand of humor and form of expression. i also wasn't required to be at the top of my intellectual game all the time, nor particuarly charming and attractive. i just had to be me.
(and i've also realized how nice it was to have friends who shared my values.)
honestly, being here makes me feel like i have a very dull personality, and it also makes me wonder how i ever had any friends at all. i also have a slight suspicion that people find me rather vapid because of the way i project myself. my god, it is vicious here! what happened to all the really geeky kids like me?
so this semester has been pretty blank and unremarkable. i'm still optimistic in spite of the disappointment i've faced at the realization that college isn't quite as glamorous as i thought it would be. hopefully, after taking some time to relax over break (i was only home for less than two weeks between three months in california and this semester) i will come back, fully energized to make another attempt to take on new york.
ps (for those who know what i'm talking about): so far michael and i have completed gundam seed. now we're in the middle of gundam seed destiny, bleach, and fullmetal alchemist. what's happening to me?
1) thanksgiving break: travis / me / alan
2) last friday: low library under snow!!
3) saturday: me / michael on college walk
the end.