(no subject)
it's late at night... what do i do? write a journal entry! [but never the english kind]
tfa state... oh boy, did i suck that one up. didn't make it out of prelims, got pretty much the worst ranks possible. i felt bad because it was as if there was no point in wasting all that money for me to be there. but i qualled, which i guess was one of my objectives for the year, so eh. [by the way, i don't actually debate anymore, i was doing foreign extemp. i said that to try to explain a bit more to you guys, but i just realized telling you that i was an fx-er was also meaningless]
grant did really well though. hats off to the #5 domestic extemper in the state [though i thought he should've been ranked higher]!
and el paso sucked. it just reminded me more of how much i want to move to the coast.
so that was my weekend with six boys, no girls. result? eating the last night's dinner at hooters, and buying playboy to read on the plane.
this is the part where the light-heartedness dissipates and i just ramble about some things on my mind:
a) most people are a lot more complicated than we give them credit for. and when i discover the complexity, it really frightens me, because it means that everything i've ever thought has pretty much come into question, and my decisions based on my perception of that person could be wholly erroneous. sometimes i congratulate myself on being able to discern a person's fundamental traits, but unfortunately, it's nowhere near the whole story. it's kind of like looking at every person on the street and trying to imagine what each person's life is like... makes your head hurt.
b) on the other hand, i think most people's perception of me is incredibly oversimplified, especially since i'm always contradicting some part of me. it doesn't help that i've known most of the people i know for about two thirds of my life, so whatever view they've developed of me is largely based on that first impression, and doesn't take into account how i've grown. i am so radically different on so many levels. sometimes when i think about what people would think if they knew about all the personal information and history i concealed, or if they could just read my mind, i feel like a terrible person, because i know that i would be left with very little, if any, dignity and respect.
c) on that note, i'm often tormented by the fact that everybody suffers alone. not that i want people to suffer when i suffer, but i wish i didn't have to let things eat away at me without anybody to figuratively hold my hand. i mean, to the extent that they can feel it more than you can. sometimes people come close but most personal struggles are, well, personal.
d) i always think that i have self-control, but everything changes when i'm thrust into the situation. you never know who you really are until it matters the most, and i usually come out disappointed. this is why dreams frighten me: i always see myself doing things i could never possibly imagine doing during the day, but while i'm in the dream, it seems like the only thing i can do.
and now, to bed. schoolwork? in the words of rachel macmillan [sorry if i messed up the spelling], "f-that."