Ann Perkins and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Speed Dating Disaster
Happy birthday, saucydiva! Here is an AU of Ann's Decision, especially for you. Many thanks to stillscape for the beta. I'd also like to thank whimsical_irony and popgurlie for suggesting ideas.
Leslie was caught off guard by Ann’s announcement. Granted, Ann’s recent blog entries and insistence on “dating herself” were a bit odd, but still. Ann had gone skydiving and somehow made a detour into the gene pool. And not just any gene pool - the crummy, unnerving kind without a lifeguard. The kind of gene pool that should require potential mothers to go to a medical facility and flip through a donor catalog.
Leslie knew that Ann would be a great mom. Her child would be fully vaccinated, denied sugary drinks, and exceedingly well cared for. Leslie could practically see Ann sitting in a rocking chair with her child, reading a bedtime story.
“I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time. I’m ready and I think I’ll be good at it,” Ann said firmly.
“I think you’d be a great mom,” Leslie blurted out, just a little too fast to be convincing. She held her tongue for a moment. This was Ann’s choice and if she didn’t want to wait to find her Mr. Right, Leslie knew she should respect her decision.
She took a deep breath and continued. “You are so kind and brilliant and beautiful. Any kid would be lucky to have you." Even though Leslie was telling the truth, it was difficult to get the words out. It was almost as if they were getting stuck in her throat and refusing to cooperate with her brain.
Ann’s eyes lit up; Leslie knew Ann didn’t need her approval regarding major life decisions, but she clearly valued it. “Great! Then you’ll go to the sperm bank with me, right?” She clasped her hands together; Ann was really excited about going sperm shopping.
Ugh. That was a phrase Leslie never needed to think of again.
“Sure, I’ll go with you. But we should grab a drink and talk about what you’re looking for in a potential donor. You don’t want to end up with George Michael’s kid or something.” Leslie gave Ann a knowing glance.
“George Michael?” Ann raised an eyebrow.
“Look, he seems like the kind of guy who would donate sperm.” Leslie shrugged and Ann had no choice but to nod in agreement.
Leslie grasped Ann’s shoulders. “We should go talk about this before we go to your appointment so I know exactly what you want. If you are going to have a baby, you need to get it right.”
“Agreed. Let’s grab a drink after work.”
**
When Leslie got back to the office, her head was swimming with thoughts. Even though Ann wanted a kid, she had only been dating herself for six weeks. This was a life altering decision.
It was time to present Ann with some alternatives.
But what kind of alternatives would work? Ann wasn’t interested in dating and Leslie couldn’t think of anyone to set her up with. Unless she set Ann up with Ben, and that wouldn’t work because there was only one Ben.
Clubbing didn’t sound appealing either. The quality of men would not be up to par. Ann deserved better than the Jean-Ralphios of the world.
Leslie sat down at the round table near Donna’s desk and started to jot down some ideas on a legal pad. Every option seemed silly.
It was time for an expert opinion.
“Hey, Donna?” Leslie walked over to Donna’s desk, slowly, as if she were approaching a sleeping tigress.
“Yeah?” Donna was texting someone, put she put down her phone and feigned interest in Leslie.
“I want Ann to meet someone special but I’ve run out of guys to set her up with. Do you know anyone?”
“The contents of my little black book are confidential,” Donna said flatly. Leslie should have seen that coming - stupid questions get stupid answers.
Leslie was about to say thanks and walk away, but Donna shared some intriguing information.
“My friend Andre is running a speed dating event at the Wamapoke Brewery tonight. I went once and left with ten phone numbers. Ann might find it challenging.”
“Thanks, Donna! Maybe we’ll check it out.”
This was an excellent solution to Ann’s dating problem. She’d meet a bunch of guys and see what the dating pool had to offer. Plus, there would be beer.
**
After work, Leslie and Ann drove over to the Wamapoke Brewery. Since Ann didn’t know about the speed-dating event, Leslie would have to choose her words carefully. She didn’t want Ann to think that this was a coincidence.
Luckily, Ann’s main goal was to get something to drink. She walked right past the sign directing potential participants to head to the basement.
“Hey, Ann!” Leslie said slightly too enthusiastically. “There’s speed dating tonight in the basement. You should sign up - it would be fun!”
Ann rolled her eyes. “Leslie, I can’t date myself and speed date at the same time.”
“Ann, there is no commitment involved. If you don’t like any of the guys, you can just walk away and never see them again. You don’t even have to give them your last name.”
Ann mulled over the proposition for a second. “It’s only $30,” Leslie whined.
“Okay, fine, fine. I’ll do it. But if it sucks, we’re leaving, end of story.” Ann used her firm, disciplinarian voice.
Leslie couldn’t help but feel like she had been caught red-handed, as if she were a five years old sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar before dinner.
**
A giant crowd was in line waiting to get in. Ann approached the check in table and the clerk immediately piped up.
“It costs $7.50 to bring in a wingman.”
Leslie scrunched up her nose in disgust. “Really? I’m not on the market. I’m engaged!” She refrained from flashing her engagement ring in his face.
“That is the rule. If you want to join your friend, you need to pay up.”
Leslie begrudgingly fished through her purse and paid the fee.
“You can pick up your nametag and table assignment over there.”
Moments later, “Ann” and “Ann’s Dating Consultant” were sitting at a table and waiting on their drinks.
“You know, this can fit right into my trying new things project. Tonight, I’m finding a new way to insert myself into an awkward situation.” Ann took a deep breath.
Leslie gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “This is small potatoes. If you don’t like it, we can go back to the other part of the bar.”
A slender man wearing a seersucker suit approached the microphone and tapped it to test for sound. A slight surge of feedback caught everyone’s attention.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sensual Liaisons’ weekly speed dating event.” There was a smattering of applause.
“There are a few ground rules. Ladies will stay seated at their tables and gentlemen will circulate from table to table. You will spend five minutes with each participant. After the five minutes are up, a bell will chime. If you like the participant, check off the option for ‘would see again’ on your ballot. If you don’t like them, select ‘no thanks.’”
“At the end of the event, we will tabulate your results and send the first names and phone numbers of your mutual matches to you via email.”
“Finally, do not touch anyone. You can look, but you can’t touch.”
The audience laughed.
“I should note that that was an official legal disclaimer,” Andre added. “With that said and done, let the dates begin!”
The first man, Greg, shook Ann’s hand and sat down at the table. He was in his mid-forties and had a receding hairline. His polo shirt was tucked into his pants.
“So, what do you do for a living?” Ann asked.
“I’m a science teacher. I teach anatomy.”
“Oh, really? What does that involve?” Ann asked.
“Dissecting animals. We cut up some piglets today.”
Ann feigned interest by nodding, but it was clear that she didn’t know what to say.
“So, is there anything you want to know about Ann?” Leslie asked.
“I’m interesting in having a family.”
Ann was still frozen.
“Ann is too!” Leslie interjected, in a desperate attempt to drum up some conversation.
“Great,” Greg said. “Are all of your reproductive organs intact? Do you have childbearing hips?”
Mercifully, the bell went off. Greg said his goodbyes, made a note on his ballot, and headed to the next table.
“So, I guess he was a no, right?”
Ann glared at Leslie. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.
**
The next date was only slightly better.
“I’m into amateur porn. I’m looking for someone who would be okay with being taped during intimate moments.”
“I think I know just the person for you,” Leslie said as she jotted down Brandi Maxxxx’s phone number onto a napkin.
**
After the third date, Ann still hadn’t identified any potential matches.
“You know, maybe we should leave. This is kind of creepy and sad,” Leslie observed.
“Are you kidding? This is like a great episode of Dateline or 48 Hours Mystery waiting to happen!”
Leslie couldn’t bring herself to point out that most of the stories on those shows involved dead people.
**
It wasn’t until the fifth date that someone truly promising showed up. Grant, a guy with thick black hair and hipster glasses, had piqued Ann’s interest.
“So, you’re a graphic designer. I bet you’re really artistic,” Ann said. She was leaning in slightly and she had crossed her legs.
Leslie was absently playing with a coaster.
“Sort of. What do you like to do for fun?”
“Well, recently, I’ve been working on finding myself. So, I’ve been doing a lot of things. Like skydiving. And canning. I also tried glass blowing, candle making, and bird watching.” Ann shrugged.
“You sound like you’re too busy to date,” Grant commented.
“No, I am totally available. When I’m not canning pickles,” Ann replied.
Leslie’s eyes widened.
**
The next date, Kevin, was a corporate type. Ann tried her best to get him to be less stiff. Not because she was interested in him, but because she pitied him.
“What is your dream date?” Ann asked.
“First, we would go to the best restaurant in Eagleton for dinner.” Kevin ignored the sound effects that indicated Leslie’s disapproval.
“While we were there, we would have a bottle of their best wine. Later, we’d go mini golfing.”
Ann frowned. “Really? You don’t seem like you’d be into mini golf.”
“Don’t you like mini golf? Market research shows that single women in their thirties love mini golf.”
Leslie decided to interject. “Are you really here to date people? Or are you doing market research?”
“I’m trying to connect with her,” Kevin replied.
“Well, you are doing a really bad job,” Leslie snapped.
Moments later, Leslie was ejected by Andre for creating a disruptive atmosphere.
**
30 minutes later, Leslie was still waiting for Ann in her car. On the way out of the bar, she had been accosted by the Langmans, who were promoting their own “Morality Mixer” dating event.
Now she understood why Ann gave up on dating. Leslie was really lucky to meet Ben. And even though Leslie thought that there was someone for everybody, she now understood how shallow the dating pool was in Pawnee. Maybe she had been too dismissive Ann’s past decisions, like when she blitzed through a parade of strange boyfriends.
Maybe Ann was better off having a baby with an anonymous sperm donor.
Seconds later, Ann knocked on the passenger’s door.
“So, how did it go?” Leslie asked.
Ann sat down and heaved a big sigh. “Well, after you were asked to leave, I ran into that guy with the nipple rings.”
“Ew.”
“And then I saw Sewage Joe, a guy who talked about why I should join the Church of Scientology, and a nice guy. But the nice guy is a single dad.”
Leslie couldn’t read Ann’s expression. “Is that a dealbreaker for you?”
“No, it would just be hard to find time to go out and stuff like that.”
Leslie started up the car. “You spent $30 and you met two interesting guys. Not bad for a first timer!”
“I did it because it fit in with my ‘trying new things’ lifestyle change. But I will never do it again,” Ann said.
“Fair enough.”
**
Even though Ann decided to no go out with either of her matches, Leslie didn’t think that the adventure was a bust. Ann knew exactly what she didn’t want in her life - a relationship. And if she ever met the perfect guy, she would just know. It was in Ann’s best interest to let her make these decisions on her own.
When the staff member at the sperm clinic asked about what Ann wanted in a donor, Ann had a barrage of answers.
“Let’s see - he can’t have a nipple ring, he can’t dissect animals for a living, and he can’t make porn in his bedroom.”
The attendant quickly jotted down some notes. “Anything else on the ‘absolutely not’ list?”
Ann gave Leslie a look. “I’m sure we’ll think of something. Leslie, do you have any ideas?”
Leslie had plenty.
Leslie was caught off guard by Ann’s announcement. Granted, Ann’s recent blog entries and insistence on “dating herself” were a bit odd, but still. Ann had gone skydiving and somehow made a detour into the gene pool. And not just any gene pool - the crummy, unnerving kind without a lifeguard. The kind of gene pool that should require potential mothers to go to a medical facility and flip through a donor catalog.
Leslie knew that Ann would be a great mom. Her child would be fully vaccinated, denied sugary drinks, and exceedingly well cared for. Leslie could practically see Ann sitting in a rocking chair with her child, reading a bedtime story.
“I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time. I’m ready and I think I’ll be good at it,” Ann said firmly.
“I think you’d be a great mom,” Leslie blurted out, just a little too fast to be convincing. She held her tongue for a moment. This was Ann’s choice and if she didn’t want to wait to find her Mr. Right, Leslie knew she should respect her decision.
She took a deep breath and continued. “You are so kind and brilliant and beautiful. Any kid would be lucky to have you." Even though Leslie was telling the truth, it was difficult to get the words out. It was almost as if they were getting stuck in her throat and refusing to cooperate with her brain.
Ann’s eyes lit up; Leslie knew Ann didn’t need her approval regarding major life decisions, but she clearly valued it. “Great! Then you’ll go to the sperm bank with me, right?” She clasped her hands together; Ann was really excited about going sperm shopping.
Ugh. That was a phrase Leslie never needed to think of again.
“Sure, I’ll go with you. But we should grab a drink and talk about what you’re looking for in a potential donor. You don’t want to end up with George Michael’s kid or something.” Leslie gave Ann a knowing glance.
“George Michael?” Ann raised an eyebrow.
“Look, he seems like the kind of guy who would donate sperm.” Leslie shrugged and Ann had no choice but to nod in agreement.
Leslie grasped Ann’s shoulders. “We should go talk about this before we go to your appointment so I know exactly what you want. If you are going to have a baby, you need to get it right.”
“Agreed. Let’s grab a drink after work.”
**
When Leslie got back to the office, her head was swimming with thoughts. Even though Ann wanted a kid, she had only been dating herself for six weeks. This was a life altering decision.
It was time to present Ann with some alternatives.
But what kind of alternatives would work? Ann wasn’t interested in dating and Leslie couldn’t think of anyone to set her up with. Unless she set Ann up with Ben, and that wouldn’t work because there was only one Ben.
Clubbing didn’t sound appealing either. The quality of men would not be up to par. Ann deserved better than the Jean-Ralphios of the world.
Leslie sat down at the round table near Donna’s desk and started to jot down some ideas on a legal pad. Every option seemed silly.
It was time for an expert opinion.
“Hey, Donna?” Leslie walked over to Donna’s desk, slowly, as if she were approaching a sleeping tigress.
“Yeah?” Donna was texting someone, put she put down her phone and feigned interest in Leslie.
“I want Ann to meet someone special but I’ve run out of guys to set her up with. Do you know anyone?”
“The contents of my little black book are confidential,” Donna said flatly. Leslie should have seen that coming - stupid questions get stupid answers.
Leslie was about to say thanks and walk away, but Donna shared some intriguing information.
“My friend Andre is running a speed dating event at the Wamapoke Brewery tonight. I went once and left with ten phone numbers. Ann might find it challenging.”
“Thanks, Donna! Maybe we’ll check it out.”
This was an excellent solution to Ann’s dating problem. She’d meet a bunch of guys and see what the dating pool had to offer. Plus, there would be beer.
**
After work, Leslie and Ann drove over to the Wamapoke Brewery. Since Ann didn’t know about the speed-dating event, Leslie would have to choose her words carefully. She didn’t want Ann to think that this was a coincidence.
Luckily, Ann’s main goal was to get something to drink. She walked right past the sign directing potential participants to head to the basement.
“Hey, Ann!” Leslie said slightly too enthusiastically. “There’s speed dating tonight in the basement. You should sign up - it would be fun!”
Ann rolled her eyes. “Leslie, I can’t date myself and speed date at the same time.”
“Ann, there is no commitment involved. If you don’t like any of the guys, you can just walk away and never see them again. You don’t even have to give them your last name.”
Ann mulled over the proposition for a second. “It’s only $30,” Leslie whined.
“Okay, fine, fine. I’ll do it. But if it sucks, we’re leaving, end of story.” Ann used her firm, disciplinarian voice.
Leslie couldn’t help but feel like she had been caught red-handed, as if she were a five years old sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar before dinner.
**
A giant crowd was in line waiting to get in. Ann approached the check in table and the clerk immediately piped up.
“It costs $7.50 to bring in a wingman.”
Leslie scrunched up her nose in disgust. “Really? I’m not on the market. I’m engaged!” She refrained from flashing her engagement ring in his face.
“That is the rule. If you want to join your friend, you need to pay up.”
Leslie begrudgingly fished through her purse and paid the fee.
“You can pick up your nametag and table assignment over there.”
Moments later, “Ann” and “Ann’s Dating Consultant” were sitting at a table and waiting on their drinks.
“You know, this can fit right into my trying new things project. Tonight, I’m finding a new way to insert myself into an awkward situation.” Ann took a deep breath.
Leslie gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “This is small potatoes. If you don’t like it, we can go back to the other part of the bar.”
A slender man wearing a seersucker suit approached the microphone and tapped it to test for sound. A slight surge of feedback caught everyone’s attention.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sensual Liaisons’ weekly speed dating event.” There was a smattering of applause.
“There are a few ground rules. Ladies will stay seated at their tables and gentlemen will circulate from table to table. You will spend five minutes with each participant. After the five minutes are up, a bell will chime. If you like the participant, check off the option for ‘would see again’ on your ballot. If you don’t like them, select ‘no thanks.’”
“At the end of the event, we will tabulate your results and send the first names and phone numbers of your mutual matches to you via email.”
“Finally, do not touch anyone. You can look, but you can’t touch.”
The audience laughed.
“I should note that that was an official legal disclaimer,” Andre added. “With that said and done, let the dates begin!”
The first man, Greg, shook Ann’s hand and sat down at the table. He was in his mid-forties and had a receding hairline. His polo shirt was tucked into his pants.
“So, what do you do for a living?” Ann asked.
“I’m a science teacher. I teach anatomy.”
“Oh, really? What does that involve?” Ann asked.
“Dissecting animals. We cut up some piglets today.”
Ann feigned interest by nodding, but it was clear that she didn’t know what to say.
“So, is there anything you want to know about Ann?” Leslie asked.
“I’m interesting in having a family.”
Ann was still frozen.
“Ann is too!” Leslie interjected, in a desperate attempt to drum up some conversation.
“Great,” Greg said. “Are all of your reproductive organs intact? Do you have childbearing hips?”
Mercifully, the bell went off. Greg said his goodbyes, made a note on his ballot, and headed to the next table.
“So, I guess he was a no, right?”
Ann glared at Leslie. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.
**
The next date was only slightly better.
“I’m into amateur porn. I’m looking for someone who would be okay with being taped during intimate moments.”
“I think I know just the person for you,” Leslie said as she jotted down Brandi Maxxxx’s phone number onto a napkin.
**
After the third date, Ann still hadn’t identified any potential matches.
“You know, maybe we should leave. This is kind of creepy and sad,” Leslie observed.
“Are you kidding? This is like a great episode of Dateline or 48 Hours Mystery waiting to happen!”
Leslie couldn’t bring herself to point out that most of the stories on those shows involved dead people.
**
It wasn’t until the fifth date that someone truly promising showed up. Grant, a guy with thick black hair and hipster glasses, had piqued Ann’s interest.
“So, you’re a graphic designer. I bet you’re really artistic,” Ann said. She was leaning in slightly and she had crossed her legs.
Leslie was absently playing with a coaster.
“Sort of. What do you like to do for fun?”
“Well, recently, I’ve been working on finding myself. So, I’ve been doing a lot of things. Like skydiving. And canning. I also tried glass blowing, candle making, and bird watching.” Ann shrugged.
“You sound like you’re too busy to date,” Grant commented.
“No, I am totally available. When I’m not canning pickles,” Ann replied.
Leslie’s eyes widened.
**
The next date, Kevin, was a corporate type. Ann tried her best to get him to be less stiff. Not because she was interested in him, but because she pitied him.
“What is your dream date?” Ann asked.
“First, we would go to the best restaurant in Eagleton for dinner.” Kevin ignored the sound effects that indicated Leslie’s disapproval.
“While we were there, we would have a bottle of their best wine. Later, we’d go mini golfing.”
Ann frowned. “Really? You don’t seem like you’d be into mini golf.”
“Don’t you like mini golf? Market research shows that single women in their thirties love mini golf.”
Leslie decided to interject. “Are you really here to date people? Or are you doing market research?”
“I’m trying to connect with her,” Kevin replied.
“Well, you are doing a really bad job,” Leslie snapped.
Moments later, Leslie was ejected by Andre for creating a disruptive atmosphere.
**
30 minutes later, Leslie was still waiting for Ann in her car. On the way out of the bar, she had been accosted by the Langmans, who were promoting their own “Morality Mixer” dating event.
Now she understood why Ann gave up on dating. Leslie was really lucky to meet Ben. And even though Leslie thought that there was someone for everybody, she now understood how shallow the dating pool was in Pawnee. Maybe she had been too dismissive Ann’s past decisions, like when she blitzed through a parade of strange boyfriends.
Maybe Ann was better off having a baby with an anonymous sperm donor.
Seconds later, Ann knocked on the passenger’s door.
“So, how did it go?” Leslie asked.
Ann sat down and heaved a big sigh. “Well, after you were asked to leave, I ran into that guy with the nipple rings.”
“Ew.”
“And then I saw Sewage Joe, a guy who talked about why I should join the Church of Scientology, and a nice guy. But the nice guy is a single dad.”
Leslie couldn’t read Ann’s expression. “Is that a dealbreaker for you?”
“No, it would just be hard to find time to go out and stuff like that.”
Leslie started up the car. “You spent $30 and you met two interesting guys. Not bad for a first timer!”
“I did it because it fit in with my ‘trying new things’ lifestyle change. But I will never do it again,” Ann said.
“Fair enough.”
**
Even though Ann decided to no go out with either of her matches, Leslie didn’t think that the adventure was a bust. Ann knew exactly what she didn’t want in her life - a relationship. And if she ever met the perfect guy, she would just know. It was in Ann’s best interest to let her make these decisions on her own.
When the staff member at the sperm clinic asked about what Ann wanted in a donor, Ann had a barrage of answers.
“Let’s see - he can’t have a nipple ring, he can’t dissect animals for a living, and he can’t make porn in his bedroom.”
The attendant quickly jotted down some notes. “Anything else on the ‘absolutely not’ list?”
Ann gave Leslie a look. “I’m sure we’ll think of something. Leslie, do you have any ideas?”
Leslie had plenty.