Now is the Winter of our Discontent....not!
I have been getting really freaked out thinking about dying lately. I get serious panic attacks. It's awful, to think about that moment that you basically have no control over when you take your last breath. It's unfair that human life only gets so much time. And what happens to you? An eternal dreamless sleep? Or maybe my consciousness used to belong to some completely different person, but I would never have known. It's hard to function with something so completely awful hanging over your head. And everyone says " you gotta cherish each moment like it's your last!" But if I did, I would still be living in total fear.
How have I been coping? Losing myself in completely silly shit, like reality TV, it helps me get back in the "now" or something. And not taking risks. I would love nothing more than traveling, but I'm pretty sure I haven't done much of that because if I died, it would KILL me. Haha. I will do anything to not die. But I can't confine myself to America, or even California, forever. I'm feeling better now than I did, but last week, a lady came through my checkout line at Trader Joes, and she said it was her first birthday without her mother, and she never thought it would happen, and that it was the hardest thing she's ever gone through. I cried all the way home. It will kill me to go through the same thing. I love my parents too much to watch them die.Maybe by the time you're 80, you'll have a different outlook on life? Right now, I choose to believe that my parents and I will live forever therefore I do not have to worry about death in my immediate life. Not to be confused with being invincible. I'm not a big risk taker right now.
Anyhow, I'm ok I guess. Aside from my latest bout of freak outs, I'm doing well, work at both jobs doesnt suck usually. I don't have much of a social life, due to time restrictions, not because I have no friends. I need to decide how long I want to live at home. I'm used to stuff being free, or mostly free, with the exception of food and clothes, but I've had it pretty cushy, not to say that I don't understand the value of that, or even the idea of not having it secure. I surely do, but my tastes are changing. I am developing a taste for luxury, it's bad. I'm sure one day I will live in a beach shack and I will love it, because I adapt.
1st time since highschool I'll be home for Halloween, haven't heard of any parties yet, so I am looking forward to handing out candy to the 5 kids in my neighborhood. AND continuously trying to improve my pumpkin carving skills :( . Gonna be a vampire waitress for H dub. Seksi. Hope it works out, most of my halloween costumes/pumpkin carving escapades have been totally half-assed. I hope it won't this year, even though it's not like I have any time. 6 Days a week is time consuming. But now I think I'm going to resolve to hike one different trail every week on my day off, to get me out of the house and around my favorite parts of Marin, and to help me exercise. Already gained my holiday weight, seksi. It didn't help that I ate at Fleur de Lys last week and it was the most incredible and artistic meal I ever had. Some people I know just wouldn't be able to appreciate a meal like this, perhaps another luxury thing? Maybe. I'm certainly looking forward to my near future. Everything is pretty good right now. Let's hope it only gets better. Now if I could only get the kind of attention that DOESNT come from 30 year old divorced dads. Ick.
How have I been coping? Losing myself in completely silly shit, like reality TV, it helps me get back in the "now" or something. And not taking risks. I would love nothing more than traveling, but I'm pretty sure I haven't done much of that because if I died, it would KILL me. Haha. I will do anything to not die. But I can't confine myself to America, or even California, forever. I'm feeling better now than I did, but last week, a lady came through my checkout line at Trader Joes, and she said it was her first birthday without her mother, and she never thought it would happen, and that it was the hardest thing she's ever gone through. I cried all the way home. It will kill me to go through the same thing. I love my parents too much to watch them die.Maybe by the time you're 80, you'll have a different outlook on life? Right now, I choose to believe that my parents and I will live forever therefore I do not have to worry about death in my immediate life. Not to be confused with being invincible. I'm not a big risk taker right now.
Anyhow, I'm ok I guess. Aside from my latest bout of freak outs, I'm doing well, work at both jobs doesnt suck usually. I don't have much of a social life, due to time restrictions, not because I have no friends. I need to decide how long I want to live at home. I'm used to stuff being free, or mostly free, with the exception of food and clothes, but I've had it pretty cushy, not to say that I don't understand the value of that, or even the idea of not having it secure. I surely do, but my tastes are changing. I am developing a taste for luxury, it's bad. I'm sure one day I will live in a beach shack and I will love it, because I adapt.
1st time since highschool I'll be home for Halloween, haven't heard of any parties yet, so I am looking forward to handing out candy to the 5 kids in my neighborhood. AND continuously trying to improve my pumpkin carving skills :( . Gonna be a vampire waitress for H dub. Seksi. Hope it works out, most of my halloween costumes/pumpkin carving escapades have been totally half-assed. I hope it won't this year, even though it's not like I have any time. 6 Days a week is time consuming. But now I think I'm going to resolve to hike one different trail every week on my day off, to get me out of the house and around my favorite parts of Marin, and to help me exercise. Already gained my holiday weight, seksi. It didn't help that I ate at Fleur de Lys last week and it was the most incredible and artistic meal I ever had. Some people I know just wouldn't be able to appreciate a meal like this, perhaps another luxury thing? Maybe. I'm certainly looking forward to my near future. Everything is pretty good right now. Let's hope it only gets better. Now if I could only get the kind of attention that DOESNT come from 30 year old divorced dads. Ick.