(no subject)
wow.
i went in to highschool with so much to look forward to. it was nothing like middle school. i was only 14. my future career has changed so many time in that last four years, whos to say it wont in the next four? im making deccions for the rest of my life. when before i was making decsions about my childhood. ive learned so much thats not in the classroom. i thoguht i was so smart for a freshman and i knew alot. i honeslty thought nobody talked about me, why woudl they.. i thought. i understand why people talk now. its human nature i suppose. ive done. and ill do it again im sure. i ve realized alot of my childhood was spent as a puppet. i only did what i had always heard. i never ever tried drugs because that is bad! you dont do that. i didnt drink. well then it was cool so i did. i dont know why i never tried drugs thoguh. i think it was ian. my sohmore year is half over and i still ahve 2 and half years left of expermenting. but i didnt. not all because ofhim. but i have alwasy had this impossible image in my head of what im like too. i dont want to be the person that does somehting because they arent strong enough to say no. i dont back talk a friend to their face becuase i dont want to hurt theyre feelings. i would rather lose an argument then lose a friendship. that was until i exploded little by little. i cant hold it in i realize its wrong not to say what s on your mind and watch poeple just walk all over you. how can i supposeably be so strong in my mind if i dont say how i feel, for fear of losing a firendship. if i can hold my tongue they should too. but ive realized thats not fair. no one should have to hold their tongue. people change ive realized that. how do you say to someone that was you best firend that you dont like who they are now. how could you possible hurt that persons feelings. i dont want to hurt her. but i dont liek who she is. ive changed i realized that so why do we have to pretend we are the same peopel when we are around each other so that we dont hurt the others feeligns. because im sure i say retarded things and do retarded things, but she doesnt say anyhitng. she is mean to people and acts retarded somethimes, but i dont say anyhtign. i suppose we dont say anythign to the face cuz we are afraid we will see that perosn we used to love so much. so we tell our other best friend. then it leaks. and we want to deny we said it but we did. then you cant tell if you tryign to get out of saying somehting about that person or the fact that you talk about people. its okay. ive realized i cant do it anymore. if somethign bothers me im going to say it. i can tbe afraid the person is going to snap back. why shoudl they ge tto say how they feel and not me. if i can say no to drugs all through highschool, i can say no to myself for being a push over. in highschool i learned that real firends take care of one another. liek when you drunk . iw as taken care of. and i took care of a firend when she was. maybe thats why icant tell some of my friends stuff to theri face. because they are a good friend. but how can someone be so nice and then not? ive been talkign to cassie alot lately abotu my feelings and i think she has some fo them too. i spent my first day of highschool with her. lol. and im glad i will prolly spend myi last too. i wish their coudl be more people i started with and ended with, but ive realized it can t always be liek that. its not liek int ht movies, you dont stay friends forever. if your lucky .. yes . you do. so much was lied to me when i was younger by adults, tv, books. all of it.you cant tell your child when your raisng it what life is goign to be like. and you cant describe it. you have to live it. and no one will undertnad all of this but me. and if you do understand some of it, keep it. you cnat take selections out of a whole and try to find the meaning. i dont care what mrs harr says. you look at the whole picture before you conclude. my life isnt all the way done, so dont judge me. i am me. i am alone. i most likely need psychatric help,but he everyone does.i dont feel like there is anyone that completly understands me. as i said do not judge selections of my text. realize the wholeness. i know i am unhappy right now, but that isnt why im writing this. and i know i am scared to graduate. i know i can only ocunt on one hand peopel i cna actually talk to. but its ok... just realize for yourself what you have learned so far, and use it dont be afraid. life is short. and its already 1/3 gone...
i went in to highschool with so much to look forward to. it was nothing like middle school. i was only 14. my future career has changed so many time in that last four years, whos to say it wont in the next four? im making deccions for the rest of my life. when before i was making decsions about my childhood. ive learned so much thats not in the classroom. i thoguht i was so smart for a freshman and i knew alot. i honeslty thought nobody talked about me, why woudl they.. i thought. i understand why people talk now. its human nature i suppose. ive done. and ill do it again im sure. i ve realized alot of my childhood was spent as a puppet. i only did what i had always heard. i never ever tried drugs because that is bad! you dont do that. i didnt drink. well then it was cool so i did. i dont know why i never tried drugs thoguh. i think it was ian. my sohmore year is half over and i still ahve 2 and half years left of expermenting. but i didnt. not all because ofhim. but i have alwasy had this impossible image in my head of what im like too. i dont want to be the person that does somehting because they arent strong enough to say no. i dont back talk a friend to their face becuase i dont want to hurt theyre feelings. i would rather lose an argument then lose a friendship. that was until i exploded little by little. i cant hold it in i realize its wrong not to say what s on your mind and watch poeple just walk all over you. how can i supposeably be so strong in my mind if i dont say how i feel, for fear of losing a firendship. if i can hold my tongue they should too. but ive realized thats not fair. no one should have to hold their tongue. people change ive realized that. how do you say to someone that was you best firend that you dont like who they are now. how could you possible hurt that persons feelings. i dont want to hurt her. but i dont liek who she is. ive changed i realized that so why do we have to pretend we are the same peopel when we are around each other so that we dont hurt the others feeligns. because im sure i say retarded things and do retarded things, but she doesnt say anyhitng. she is mean to people and acts retarded somethimes, but i dont say anyhtign. i suppose we dont say anythign to the face cuz we are afraid we will see that perosn we used to love so much. so we tell our other best friend. then it leaks. and we want to deny we said it but we did. then you cant tell if you tryign to get out of saying somehting about that person or the fact that you talk about people. its okay. ive realized i cant do it anymore. if somethign bothers me im going to say it. i can tbe afraid the person is going to snap back. why shoudl they ge tto say how they feel and not me. if i can say no to drugs all through highschool, i can say no to myself for being a push over. in highschool i learned that real firends take care of one another. liek when you drunk . iw as taken care of. and i took care of a firend when she was. maybe thats why icant tell some of my friends stuff to theri face. because they are a good friend. but how can someone be so nice and then not? ive been talkign to cassie alot lately abotu my feelings and i think she has some fo them too. i spent my first day of highschool with her. lol. and im glad i will prolly spend myi last too. i wish their coudl be more people i started with and ended with, but ive realized it can t always be liek that. its not liek int ht movies, you dont stay friends forever. if your lucky .. yes . you do. so much was lied to me when i was younger by adults, tv, books. all of it.you cant tell your child when your raisng it what life is goign to be like. and you cant describe it. you have to live it. and no one will undertnad all of this but me. and if you do understand some of it, keep it. you cnat take selections out of a whole and try to find the meaning. i dont care what mrs harr says. you look at the whole picture before you conclude. my life isnt all the way done, so dont judge me. i am me. i am alone. i most likely need psychatric help,but he everyone does.i dont feel like there is anyone that completly understands me. as i said do not judge selections of my text. realize the wholeness. i know i am unhappy right now, but that isnt why im writing this. and i know i am scared to graduate. i know i can only ocunt on one hand peopel i cna actually talk to. but its ok... just realize for yourself what you have learned so far, and use it dont be afraid. life is short. and its already 1/3 gone...