i'm catchin up and catchin on.
Good news. i can take creative writing next semester. soooo pumped.
Yesterday in class, Pecherek announced he had been given some free tix to the Chicago Symphony. Jerret and I went today with like, 18 old women on a minibus. nice ladies, in general. just kind of overbearing. they were freaking out because no one went to the IVCC Wind Symphony concert the night before.
got Jerret at 7.30, parked at Kmart, bus, got off at the Art Institute, loitered at 7-11, had pidgeons try to fly into my face, lunch at Noodles and Co., walking around michigan ave, went to colombia college bookstore for Jerret's sake, since he wants to go there, while i just got all nerdy and started grabbing books and reading a few sentences out of each. walked back to orchestra hall and just looked at all the cheesy music cliched merchandise at the Symphony gift shop until it was time for the concert. i lost the tickets. i found the tickets. the concert was called Bach to Bach, so it was 4 Bach peices, one suite and 3 concertos, and it was fantastic. the basso continuo was pretty neat. i had a god full view of the harpsichord and not much else.
it made me miss my oboe.
despite a good day in chicago, i'm feeling really down on myself.
i had the thought today that i have been running and now i'm catching up to myself.
i'm having those hopeless feelings about life where i miss being in love with God but i just cant believe what i used to anymore. i miss it, damnit. i miss feeling like i had definable purpose, i miss the joy i had from it. i listen to my favorite band, the david crowder band, and it just made me sad. super sad. i cant identify with their music in a way now that i could before. but i simply cant believe some of the things i used to, some of the things i've been taught, the things my christian friends believe.
i think i'm sick of being single, too, which is weird. i'm not one of those girls who always needs a boyfriend or feels like something's wrong if she doesnt, i'm just sick of this constant game of unreturned affection/feeling i always have for people who arent interested at all, or are, but something goes awry or things just change. it's a case of "i just want to be with you, because it would be a lot better than just having feelings for you since september and not being able to act on them."
i also dont really know what i want in someone anymore. this makes me think i'll just settle. but what the hell, i'm still having an awfully hard time pushing away the fact that i'm still not F*#!ing over justin, damn it. and what i used to be ashamed about but really dont care about anymore is the fact that if the opportunity arises with him again, i'm very likely to take it. either way i'm stuck on him, so might as well make it as good as i can while it lasts.
emily is moving to chicago not in august, when i thought, but as soon as school is done in MID MAY.
i wanna die. i lose her more and more everyday as it is, and now i wont even have this last summer with her. she became my closest friend not even a year ago, now she's off to live her life, which is fantastic, but i cant help but feel selfish and want to keep her and be closer. we're drifted apart slooooowly since december, when i fell apart. then apart further in january when i was confused and scared still and developing more headstrong and rebellious ideas and attitudes. then even way more in february when she sat me down and cried to me that i wasnt the same and she was upset. then even more that thursday night when i told my friends at church that i wasnt a christian anymore, here's why. then even more in march when she was in chicago all the time and i was all over the place and we just didnt talk. now it's feeling like it's too late to fix anything.
I HURT right now, damnit. I HURT like HELL. and the worst part is, the origin is in myself. i am jealous, selfish, sad, lonely, rebellious, restless, bratty, scared, confused, frustrated, disgusted, hurt.
i just want to go out to one of those flooded fields and lie down and let myself sink in the cold mud. it'll hide and hold me. it'll numb and enclose me. i wont have to move. i'll just lie in the mud, and sink slowly into the ice-cold comfort and security.
but in the end, it's all nonsense. it's freakin mud. dirt and water. a muddy exterior to match the ever muddying interior. sometimes playing in the mud is fun though. but it feels just good to wash it all off at the end of the day and crawl into a warm, dry bed, which is a more classic and realistic symbol of safety, comfort, security, a hiding place.
but i wanna lie in the mud. and i want you to lie with me. i want you wherever i am, even if it's hiding from myself in a muddy, flooded field. like burying myself. burying my secrets and the things i dont like about myself, the dark things in the dark earth, where you can hide things and they might not be found for years and years. eventually, however, the combine comes and turns the earth up and up with it comes what has been lost or hidden.
i meant to go to bed a few hours ago, but i know it'll be a long time before i can sleep. i have all these things throwing themselves full-force against the side of my brain, bruising me and screaming to be noticed.
sometimes i hate anthony green.
sometimes i enjoy listening to him.
tonight is a night where i enjoy.
i can't predict these things.
Hayley is in Virginia.
i could sleep naked if i wanted to.
i dont think i will.
Yesterday in class, Pecherek announced he had been given some free tix to the Chicago Symphony. Jerret and I went today with like, 18 old women on a minibus. nice ladies, in general. just kind of overbearing. they were freaking out because no one went to the IVCC Wind Symphony concert the night before.
got Jerret at 7.30, parked at Kmart, bus, got off at the Art Institute, loitered at 7-11, had pidgeons try to fly into my face, lunch at Noodles and Co., walking around michigan ave, went to colombia college bookstore for Jerret's sake, since he wants to go there, while i just got all nerdy and started grabbing books and reading a few sentences out of each. walked back to orchestra hall and just looked at all the cheesy music cliched merchandise at the Symphony gift shop until it was time for the concert. i lost the tickets. i found the tickets. the concert was called Bach to Bach, so it was 4 Bach peices, one suite and 3 concertos, and it was fantastic. the basso continuo was pretty neat. i had a god full view of the harpsichord and not much else.
it made me miss my oboe.
despite a good day in chicago, i'm feeling really down on myself.
i had the thought today that i have been running and now i'm catching up to myself.
i'm having those hopeless feelings about life where i miss being in love with God but i just cant believe what i used to anymore. i miss it, damnit. i miss feeling like i had definable purpose, i miss the joy i had from it. i listen to my favorite band, the david crowder band, and it just made me sad. super sad. i cant identify with their music in a way now that i could before. but i simply cant believe some of the things i used to, some of the things i've been taught, the things my christian friends believe.
i think i'm sick of being single, too, which is weird. i'm not one of those girls who always needs a boyfriend or feels like something's wrong if she doesnt, i'm just sick of this constant game of unreturned affection/feeling i always have for people who arent interested at all, or are, but something goes awry or things just change. it's a case of "i just want to be with you, because it would be a lot better than just having feelings for you since september and not being able to act on them."
i also dont really know what i want in someone anymore. this makes me think i'll just settle. but what the hell, i'm still having an awfully hard time pushing away the fact that i'm still not F*#!ing over justin, damn it. and what i used to be ashamed about but really dont care about anymore is the fact that if the opportunity arises with him again, i'm very likely to take it. either way i'm stuck on him, so might as well make it as good as i can while it lasts.
emily is moving to chicago not in august, when i thought, but as soon as school is done in MID MAY.
i wanna die. i lose her more and more everyday as it is, and now i wont even have this last summer with her. she became my closest friend not even a year ago, now she's off to live her life, which is fantastic, but i cant help but feel selfish and want to keep her and be closer. we're drifted apart slooooowly since december, when i fell apart. then apart further in january when i was confused and scared still and developing more headstrong and rebellious ideas and attitudes. then even way more in february when she sat me down and cried to me that i wasnt the same and she was upset. then even more that thursday night when i told my friends at church that i wasnt a christian anymore, here's why. then even more in march when she was in chicago all the time and i was all over the place and we just didnt talk. now it's feeling like it's too late to fix anything.
I HURT right now, damnit. I HURT like HELL. and the worst part is, the origin is in myself. i am jealous, selfish, sad, lonely, rebellious, restless, bratty, scared, confused, frustrated, disgusted, hurt.
i just want to go out to one of those flooded fields and lie down and let myself sink in the cold mud. it'll hide and hold me. it'll numb and enclose me. i wont have to move. i'll just lie in the mud, and sink slowly into the ice-cold comfort and security.
but in the end, it's all nonsense. it's freakin mud. dirt and water. a muddy exterior to match the ever muddying interior. sometimes playing in the mud is fun though. but it feels just good to wash it all off at the end of the day and crawl into a warm, dry bed, which is a more classic and realistic symbol of safety, comfort, security, a hiding place.
but i wanna lie in the mud. and i want you to lie with me. i want you wherever i am, even if it's hiding from myself in a muddy, flooded field. like burying myself. burying my secrets and the things i dont like about myself, the dark things in the dark earth, where you can hide things and they might not be found for years and years. eventually, however, the combine comes and turns the earth up and up with it comes what has been lost or hidden.
i meant to go to bed a few hours ago, but i know it'll be a long time before i can sleep. i have all these things throwing themselves full-force against the side of my brain, bruising me and screaming to be noticed.
sometimes i hate anthony green.
sometimes i enjoy listening to him.
tonight is a night where i enjoy.
i can't predict these things.
Hayley is in Virginia.
i could sleep naked if i wanted to.
i dont think i will.