pterodactyls SWARMING
oh man.
what the hell is wrong with me?
i have all this internal conflict and i dont know how to get rid of it. or how to solve it. i know what i want but it's usually what i dont need. or really shouldnt want.
jerret's giving me his keyboard for time being. panic averted.
i have trombone run-through in about 40 min. i have orchestra tonight. i dont wanna go. in between i'm going to jerret's to take him home from school and get that keyboard and kill time between Schallhorn and IVYSO.
I dont feel well at all. i used to get cramps when i had my period. now i just get so nauseous i can hardly function.
I AM PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. HEY EVERYONE. SHELBY IS PISSED.
I wish people would quit emailing me about my lack of faith. I can sum up every email i've received on this topic. k, go.
"I'm disappointed. I'm praying for you. I hope you get your head on straight soon, you're running out of time to quit courting the world and come back to God. You know better than this." -signed, Formerly Unconcerned With Any Aspect Of Your Life Until You Quit Coming To Church.
The worst part is when it's people who know nothing about my life or really about the person i am now. they know the person Shelby is in their minds or Shelby from like, 2 years ago. or even 7 months ago.
I am a brat sometimes. Sometimes i seriously hate myself. No, really. I hate myself and am disgusted with myself right now, while simultaneously enjoying my wants and shitty attitude/behavior.
know what i emailed back to Gina?!
"I dont know what you or anyone else who emails me with the same words wants me to do or say in reply. [here i quote her:] 'I can't stand it, But God has been laying you on my heart lately. I'm praying for you.' [end quote] wow. i'm sorry you feel as though you are being forced to think about me."
I am a bitter shrew and am rapidly becoming less and less like the person i was this summer. this fall. idk how i like that or not.
I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU FOR LETTING YOUR CONVICTIONS FALL BUT IF I SAY SO I THINK I'M A HYPOCRITE.
i havent talked to my dad in a long time. not since thursday night. when he drunk dialed me.
i feel sooooo sick right now. let's whine some more, shelby. you'll love yourself for it later. really.
Oh God. I am coming close to confessions and ruining everything. but really, what would it matter.
WHAT does anything matter? WHAT THE HELL does it matter if i make it so we dont talk anymore? What does it matter if i just TRY and it blows up and wrecks me? I'd be back where i was once, i can come back again. I wont die. Maybe it'll be worth it.
i hate myself. i dont want you. i dont. i. dont. shit. i want you. i really dislike you. you arent capable of taking care of me. but all i have wanted to do since the day i met you is take care of you. i've never gotten over you. i can do better. i really can. i can always do better. you're an immature self-absorbed mentally disturbed asshole who makes me break every rule with your sweet disposition and redemptive charm. i made a pro-con list in my mind, and really, i cant decide which side has more weighty items despite one list being quite a bit longer.
i can't suppress the force that draws me to you, makes me insatiably curious and i almost effing fainted when i leaned in the window of your car this morning and even though you drove with the window down, it smelled so strongly of you...and despite knowing it's probably not true, i still feel like i'm missing out here. i still feel like things are and will constantly get better, despite you being a total hypocrite and complete disappointment to me saturday night.
i answered the phone at 5am for a reason.
can i just peek into the future real quick?
what the hell is wrong with me?
i have all this internal conflict and i dont know how to get rid of it. or how to solve it. i know what i want but it's usually what i dont need. or really shouldnt want.
jerret's giving me his keyboard for time being. panic averted.
i have trombone run-through in about 40 min. i have orchestra tonight. i dont wanna go. in between i'm going to jerret's to take him home from school and get that keyboard and kill time between Schallhorn and IVYSO.
I dont feel well at all. i used to get cramps when i had my period. now i just get so nauseous i can hardly function.
I AM PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. HEY EVERYONE. SHELBY IS PISSED.
I wish people would quit emailing me about my lack of faith. I can sum up every email i've received on this topic. k, go.
"I'm disappointed. I'm praying for you. I hope you get your head on straight soon, you're running out of time to quit courting the world and come back to God. You know better than this." -signed, Formerly Unconcerned With Any Aspect Of Your Life Until You Quit Coming To Church.
The worst part is when it's people who know nothing about my life or really about the person i am now. they know the person Shelby is in their minds or Shelby from like, 2 years ago. or even 7 months ago.
I am a brat sometimes. Sometimes i seriously hate myself. No, really. I hate myself and am disgusted with myself right now, while simultaneously enjoying my wants and shitty attitude/behavior.
know what i emailed back to Gina?!
"I dont know what you or anyone else who emails me with the same words wants me to do or say in reply. [here i quote her:] 'I can't stand it, But God has been laying you on my heart lately. I'm praying for you.' [end quote] wow. i'm sorry you feel as though you are being forced to think about me."
I am a bitter shrew and am rapidly becoming less and less like the person i was this summer. this fall. idk how i like that or not.
I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU FOR LETTING YOUR CONVICTIONS FALL BUT IF I SAY SO I THINK I'M A HYPOCRITE.
i havent talked to my dad in a long time. not since thursday night. when he drunk dialed me.
i feel sooooo sick right now. let's whine some more, shelby. you'll love yourself for it later. really.
Oh God. I am coming close to confessions and ruining everything. but really, what would it matter.
WHAT does anything matter? WHAT THE HELL does it matter if i make it so we dont talk anymore? What does it matter if i just TRY and it blows up and wrecks me? I'd be back where i was once, i can come back again. I wont die. Maybe it'll be worth it.
i hate myself. i dont want you. i dont. i. dont. shit. i want you. i really dislike you. you arent capable of taking care of me. but all i have wanted to do since the day i met you is take care of you. i've never gotten over you. i can do better. i really can. i can always do better. you're an immature self-absorbed mentally disturbed asshole who makes me break every rule with your sweet disposition and redemptive charm. i made a pro-con list in my mind, and really, i cant decide which side has more weighty items despite one list being quite a bit longer.
i can't suppress the force that draws me to you, makes me insatiably curious and i almost effing fainted when i leaned in the window of your car this morning and even though you drove with the window down, it smelled so strongly of you...and despite knowing it's probably not true, i still feel like i'm missing out here. i still feel like things are and will constantly get better, despite you being a total hypocrite and complete disappointment to me saturday night.
i answered the phone at 5am for a reason.
can i just peek into the future real quick?