too late. {shelby, quit lollygagging.}
Maybe it's just because my head wasn't on straight today, but being constantly and chronically late today has got some thoughts bouncing around in my crooked head.
Firstly, i woke up at 7.30am to text message from Emily, which i misinterpreted at first read and promptly fell back asleep. My alarm is set for 8.30am, and eventually, i got to that point of slight conciousness where i had the thought, "i think it's been more than an hour."
Indeed, it had been. It had been three hours. So, i stared at my phone in disbelief at 10:35am, froze for a second while i decided what was real, me or the time or anything, ran downstairs, threw all my clothes off with the thought that i would take a shower. Then some part of me said, forget the shower, you've missed your 10am guitar lesson and you have 20 min to get to theory, so then i just kind of ran around my bathroom and living room naked (without really realizing i was naked) getting ready, i.e. brushing teeth frantically, cursing at myself for not taking off my mascara the night before, as i looked like Gerard Way (perhaps slightly less feminine despite my bare anatomy) or a raccoon (a very classy, naked raccoon). approx 6 more frantic half-awake minutes of getting ready later, i realized i had the 1987 Oldsmobile to drive. YES! I followed a green truck too closely to peru and hit half the red lights. That Oldsmobile cruises, as my mother wrote in the note she left on the table for me along with the title and registration. "Don't speed. She cruises. Don't hit anything."
so i got to theory a grand total of 15 minutes late, and learned about chords, only half-aware. after class i went to tell Codo i was sorry for missing the lesson and reschedule, but it turns out he had cancelled his lessons for the day anyway. went to apologize to pecherek and tell him i was auditioning for the scholarship thing, and he really wasn't concerned at all about my lateness or the reason thereof. I'm just used to getting in trouble for everything i guess. Retook my intervals test in the assessment center where the woman behind the glass treated me like a lower-class citizen because i got grabby with the clipboard because i knew what i wanted and why i was there. When i was done at 12.40, i decided to go to the computer lab and waste life on facebook listening to versaemerge until my oceanography test at 2pm. Went to class at 2, as i walked in, no one was in there but Rachel taking her test. i looked at her. looked at the clock. looked at my professor. looked at clock. "i'm late, aren't i?" "yeah, you are late. an hour late," replied Philips. "What do you wanna do?" he inquired. I took half my test in there until Rachel left, then got in the elevator with this guy and finished the test in some meeting room with lots of maps of Illinois on the walls and motion sensored lights.
I was supposed to be in Tonica to do a group project at 2.30. i didn't get there until 3.40 because i was late to my test, then wandered down into the cafeteria for some unknown reason, stood around and talked to people, took a kid i used to hang out with to work in LaSalle, got good and lost in Tonica because i've never actually driven IN town, got lost inside the church.... basically i feel pathetic. But all this irresponsible and perpetual lateness (granted, it's only been one day. an off day.) has got me thinking about how people always look back and think about they were too late.
Most of the time, it's true. We know what we have to do, or want to do, but hesitate, and by the time we make up our minds, or get productive, it's too late. the opportunity or moment has passed, and it could be argued that we lose. I can argue that you didn't really lose, since you didn't have it (whatever IT is), you just almost had it. You didn't lose. You missed. And by missing, that can cause loss in the long run. Maybe. By the way, by "missing", i don't mean "oh, my friend moved away and goes to school at Northern. I miss her." I mean miss as in "I just missed hitting that deer and killing it and my car and potentially myself."
But what gets me is this: how do we know that what we were too late for is anything that we wouldve wanted or wouldve been good for us or worth it anyway? we dont, right? but we all sit and imagine that we just lost the big chance, regardless if it was just a simple matter of "my car broke down and i didn't show up for a job interview/audition/school to turn in a scholarship application" where, in that case, the outcome is by no means certain. You might not get the job or whatever. It was maybe a good chance. But those unforseen circumstances like car trouble screwed you over. the example "i missed my flight because ___ happened" is an instance of not only unforseen unfortunate circumstance but also of acute awareness of a certainty that you missed. If you had been on time for your flight, you'd be on your way to California right now or wherever to most likely do what you planned on doing, unless an even rarer set of unfortunate circumstances like a crash or a hijacking take place. In that case, you wouldnt be too late. you'd just be there at the wrong time.
What i mean to say is that people romanticize the missed chance, their "loss" without being certain that is wouldve been something good anyway. It's popular and motivational and optimistic to say that you need to be seizing the day, and you never know what great things will happen when you make those decisions, so try not to miss out!!! it could be the event that changes your life for the best!!!
Call me pessimistic, but or for the worst. Bad things often come of disguised good. And when we get hurt, we just want to look back and find that definite moment where if we had just acted on what we felt or knew, if we had JUST made that decision, it wouldve made all the difference, and we wouldnt hurt right now. Chances are, you'd still wind up screwed over at some point. your decision might have delayed it, or inevitably made everything worse.
there are many, many, MANY instances where i examine (sometimes without realizing it) different encounters or moments i had with Justin and think, "that wouldve been a good time to make a decision. right there. you shouldve walked away and never spoke to him again." or, more often, "you shouldve just told him you wanted to be with him." in either case, the next thought is usually "THEN it wouldnt have ended so horribly."
Actually, it probably would have. see what i mean? Once i analyze who we are as people and extraneous circumstances in the situation, i know our relationship wouldve crashed and burned just as bad, if not worse than what happened on 12.15.08.
My initial options this September, when it came to Dressler and I, were
1. Be firm on our 'just friends' decision (which proved impossible for me due to my lack of intensity control and the fact that i didn't WANT to be just friends)
2. Stay the hell away from him (which wasn't even really a possibility. i was infatuated.)
3. Just go against the cautious, realistic and self-preserving half of me and decide to be with him legitimately.
Instead, i went with
Option 4: Be friends with benefits without actually committing and sit on the fence while he patiently waited it out for a month and a half until he got sick of the game and his ex-girlfriend who he never really got over came whining back to him that she wanted to be with him again. Suddenly my lack of committment was a really good thing for him.
The point is, by the time I made up my mind, that i was going to get hurt no matter what i did, and more importantly, that i couldnt prevent him from getting hurt, only he could, it was literally too late. I missed the chance. Do i blame him? no. i'd be sick of waiting around. but the week leading up to Halloween, which is when i spontaneously drove to his house in costume after a dinner party to let him know i was finally making up my mind, he had been doing his best to convince me to just be with him without coming out and saying so. he did a really good job. so then when i finally made my decision, he blew me off with loads of excuses as to why it would be a bad idea, leaving me perplexed and still infatuated. And sparing you the details of November and December, it all goes downhill from there.
I missed. Did i lose? probably not. he's really not a good person for me to immerse myself in. He drug me down, just as he promised. He once told me he'd be liek an anchor around my neck, dragging me down. (www.doubtingsalmon.deviantart.com/art/Millstone-43457275#)
He hurt me, just as he promised. He was stubborn and right in so many ways that i never want to admit to him. Even if i had made up my mind early on and didnt screw with the kid's heart and head (i didnt do it to screw with him, i did it out of my own fear and indecisivness, but it was still selfish, regardless.) i don't think we wouldve lasted long. I wouldnt be the same person. We would drive each other crazy eventually and I wouldve likely cave in way more often that he. I wouldve lost my virginity to him. i'm almost certain. it's kind of assuming and absurd to make these and many more generalities when really, do i know for certain? (NO) but evidence and former behavior has a way of helping you predict a little bit.
So is it a loss when I am too late? Most often not. You can't really lose what you never had. You can't really know for sure what wouldve happened if you weren't so indecisive or lazy (most of the time we are 'too late' is simply because at the core of it, we lack motivation or real desire. it's false and we fool ourselves and are disgruntled when we're too late even though the outcome was what we made it.). You can't really know what wouldve happened if things didn't go so wrong and caused you to be too late. In those cases, was it just not meant to be? Was it the will of God for whatever prevented your chance to get in the way? Is this just a case of being SOL? I guess whatever justification one comes up with to help impose control and structure in their lives is sufficient for that one person. It's individual assessment.
I have come to believe that lots of things are individual assessment. Humanity can relate to one another through our states of emotion, but no two people experience much of anything the same. I had people tell me my heart was NOT broken, it was just bruised. Screw you. I know my heart was broken. I didnt even say "my heart is broken." they just assumed that that was my thought. Well, they were right, that was my thought. BUT. Just because i told you the story of what happened and you thought about how YOU would feel without BEING ME and having my thoughts and motivations and because you can't possibly comprehend how much i cared and felt for him and how much all i wanted was to save him, doesn't mean my heart's been 'bruised'. You aren't me. Maybe one day i'll look back and think, ok, maybe that wasn't heartbreak, it is NOW. and that matters at present.
It's like trying to tell people they aren't really in love. They think they are because they have a different idea than us of what love is. Most of the time, they probably arent in love, but it's not because we have this great ability to sense fake love, it's because everyone, i mean EVERYONE gets confused as to what real love is. Realistically, there is somewhat of a definition to real love but it's elusive and more often we recognize what it's NOT than what it IS. How many 15 yr old couples who think they'll get married because they have "so much fun" with their bf/gf and just sit around watching tv together or making out are legitimately in love? Older people laugh at that idea. Those 15 yr olds lack maturity to understand what it means to love anyone other than themselves most of the time. A lot of people never mature to the point where they know what it is to love anyone but themselves, and to them, loving other people is just another way to love themselves! CIRCULAR SELFISHNESS.
Anyway, this went longer than intended, but i know no one will ever read this whole thing but myself sometime in the future so it's ok. I learned while i typed. This is why people always say that writers write everyday. They journal. It's because when you do that, you learn. you think. you get inspired and you get the subconcious stuff inside you out and you are surprised.
I just had a weird flashback memory that was completely untriggered. It's early september, it's raining, i'm in emily's car and we're listening to bright eyes and crying about different things just to cry with the rain and to get out our sadness and frustration in a place we feel safe. We drove bottom roads from Granville and we were at the stop sign facing the 251 hill up to IVCC. How did that happen? it doesnt smell like Stymie in the rain. it smells like peanut butter here. I'm not listening to bright eyes. I'm listening to Chiodos. I wasnt thinking about her, or crying, or connor oberst, or the things i cried about that day, or the rain. Weird.
In other news, I need to figure out what music i actually like on my computer and listen to that. No more of this "Do i like Senses Fail or The Academy Is...? I forgot. Let's listen to them until i get good and pissed before i remember."
Whoa. I'm listening to a good song to end this blog. It kind of wraps up every topic i covered. If i try to see it that way hard enough. haha. Except my stupidity being late to class and my moment of naked insanity.
lovemuch.shelby.
Firstly, i woke up at 7.30am to text message from Emily, which i misinterpreted at first read and promptly fell back asleep. My alarm is set for 8.30am, and eventually, i got to that point of slight conciousness where i had the thought, "i think it's been more than an hour."
Indeed, it had been. It had been three hours. So, i stared at my phone in disbelief at 10:35am, froze for a second while i decided what was real, me or the time or anything, ran downstairs, threw all my clothes off with the thought that i would take a shower. Then some part of me said, forget the shower, you've missed your 10am guitar lesson and you have 20 min to get to theory, so then i just kind of ran around my bathroom and living room naked (without really realizing i was naked) getting ready, i.e. brushing teeth frantically, cursing at myself for not taking off my mascara the night before, as i looked like Gerard Way (perhaps slightly less feminine despite my bare anatomy) or a raccoon (a very classy, naked raccoon). approx 6 more frantic half-awake minutes of getting ready later, i realized i had the 1987 Oldsmobile to drive. YES! I followed a green truck too closely to peru and hit half the red lights. That Oldsmobile cruises, as my mother wrote in the note she left on the table for me along with the title and registration. "Don't speed. She cruises. Don't hit anything."
so i got to theory a grand total of 15 minutes late, and learned about chords, only half-aware. after class i went to tell Codo i was sorry for missing the lesson and reschedule, but it turns out he had cancelled his lessons for the day anyway. went to apologize to pecherek and tell him i was auditioning for the scholarship thing, and he really wasn't concerned at all about my lateness or the reason thereof. I'm just used to getting in trouble for everything i guess. Retook my intervals test in the assessment center where the woman behind the glass treated me like a lower-class citizen because i got grabby with the clipboard because i knew what i wanted and why i was there. When i was done at 12.40, i decided to go to the computer lab and waste life on facebook listening to versaemerge until my oceanography test at 2pm. Went to class at 2, as i walked in, no one was in there but Rachel taking her test. i looked at her. looked at the clock. looked at my professor. looked at clock. "i'm late, aren't i?" "yeah, you are late. an hour late," replied Philips. "What do you wanna do?" he inquired. I took half my test in there until Rachel left, then got in the elevator with this guy and finished the test in some meeting room with lots of maps of Illinois on the walls and motion sensored lights.
I was supposed to be in Tonica to do a group project at 2.30. i didn't get there until 3.40 because i was late to my test, then wandered down into the cafeteria for some unknown reason, stood around and talked to people, took a kid i used to hang out with to work in LaSalle, got good and lost in Tonica because i've never actually driven IN town, got lost inside the church.... basically i feel pathetic. But all this irresponsible and perpetual lateness (granted, it's only been one day. an off day.) has got me thinking about how people always look back and think about they were too late.
Most of the time, it's true. We know what we have to do, or want to do, but hesitate, and by the time we make up our minds, or get productive, it's too late. the opportunity or moment has passed, and it could be argued that we lose. I can argue that you didn't really lose, since you didn't have it (whatever IT is), you just almost had it. You didn't lose. You missed. And by missing, that can cause loss in the long run. Maybe. By the way, by "missing", i don't mean "oh, my friend moved away and goes to school at Northern. I miss her." I mean miss as in "I just missed hitting that deer and killing it and my car and potentially myself."
But what gets me is this: how do we know that what we were too late for is anything that we wouldve wanted or wouldve been good for us or worth it anyway? we dont, right? but we all sit and imagine that we just lost the big chance, regardless if it was just a simple matter of "my car broke down and i didn't show up for a job interview/audition/school to turn in a scholarship application" where, in that case, the outcome is by no means certain. You might not get the job or whatever. It was maybe a good chance. But those unforseen circumstances like car trouble screwed you over. the example "i missed my flight because ___ happened" is an instance of not only unforseen unfortunate circumstance but also of acute awareness of a certainty that you missed. If you had been on time for your flight, you'd be on your way to California right now or wherever to most likely do what you planned on doing, unless an even rarer set of unfortunate circumstances like a crash or a hijacking take place. In that case, you wouldnt be too late. you'd just be there at the wrong time.
What i mean to say is that people romanticize the missed chance, their "loss" without being certain that is wouldve been something good anyway. It's popular and motivational and optimistic to say that you need to be seizing the day, and you never know what great things will happen when you make those decisions, so try not to miss out!!! it could be the event that changes your life for the best!!!
Call me pessimistic, but or for the worst. Bad things often come of disguised good. And when we get hurt, we just want to look back and find that definite moment where if we had just acted on what we felt or knew, if we had JUST made that decision, it wouldve made all the difference, and we wouldnt hurt right now. Chances are, you'd still wind up screwed over at some point. your decision might have delayed it, or inevitably made everything worse.
there are many, many, MANY instances where i examine (sometimes without realizing it) different encounters or moments i had with Justin and think, "that wouldve been a good time to make a decision. right there. you shouldve walked away and never spoke to him again." or, more often, "you shouldve just told him you wanted to be with him." in either case, the next thought is usually "THEN it wouldnt have ended so horribly."
Actually, it probably would have. see what i mean? Once i analyze who we are as people and extraneous circumstances in the situation, i know our relationship wouldve crashed and burned just as bad, if not worse than what happened on 12.15.08.
My initial options this September, when it came to Dressler and I, were
1. Be firm on our 'just friends' decision (which proved impossible for me due to my lack of intensity control and the fact that i didn't WANT to be just friends)
2. Stay the hell away from him (which wasn't even really a possibility. i was infatuated.)
3. Just go against the cautious, realistic and self-preserving half of me and decide to be with him legitimately.
Instead, i went with
Option 4: Be friends with benefits without actually committing and sit on the fence while he patiently waited it out for a month and a half until he got sick of the game and his ex-girlfriend who he never really got over came whining back to him that she wanted to be with him again. Suddenly my lack of committment was a really good thing for him.
The point is, by the time I made up my mind, that i was going to get hurt no matter what i did, and more importantly, that i couldnt prevent him from getting hurt, only he could, it was literally too late. I missed the chance. Do i blame him? no. i'd be sick of waiting around. but the week leading up to Halloween, which is when i spontaneously drove to his house in costume after a dinner party to let him know i was finally making up my mind, he had been doing his best to convince me to just be with him without coming out and saying so. he did a really good job. so then when i finally made my decision, he blew me off with loads of excuses as to why it would be a bad idea, leaving me perplexed and still infatuated. And sparing you the details of November and December, it all goes downhill from there.
I missed. Did i lose? probably not. he's really not a good person for me to immerse myself in. He drug me down, just as he promised. He once told me he'd be liek an anchor around my neck, dragging me down. (www.doubtingsalmon.deviantart.com/art/Millstone-43457275#)
He hurt me, just as he promised. He was stubborn and right in so many ways that i never want to admit to him. Even if i had made up my mind early on and didnt screw with the kid's heart and head (i didnt do it to screw with him, i did it out of my own fear and indecisivness, but it was still selfish, regardless.) i don't think we wouldve lasted long. I wouldnt be the same person. We would drive each other crazy eventually and I wouldve likely cave in way more often that he. I wouldve lost my virginity to him. i'm almost certain. it's kind of assuming and absurd to make these and many more generalities when really, do i know for certain? (NO) but evidence and former behavior has a way of helping you predict a little bit.
So is it a loss when I am too late? Most often not. You can't really lose what you never had. You can't really know for sure what wouldve happened if you weren't so indecisive or lazy (most of the time we are 'too late' is simply because at the core of it, we lack motivation or real desire. it's false and we fool ourselves and are disgruntled when we're too late even though the outcome was what we made it.). You can't really know what wouldve happened if things didn't go so wrong and caused you to be too late. In those cases, was it just not meant to be? Was it the will of God for whatever prevented your chance to get in the way? Is this just a case of being SOL? I guess whatever justification one comes up with to help impose control and structure in their lives is sufficient for that one person. It's individual assessment.
I have come to believe that lots of things are individual assessment. Humanity can relate to one another through our states of emotion, but no two people experience much of anything the same. I had people tell me my heart was NOT broken, it was just bruised. Screw you. I know my heart was broken. I didnt even say "my heart is broken." they just assumed that that was my thought. Well, they were right, that was my thought. BUT. Just because i told you the story of what happened and you thought about how YOU would feel without BEING ME and having my thoughts and motivations and because you can't possibly comprehend how much i cared and felt for him and how much all i wanted was to save him, doesn't mean my heart's been 'bruised'. You aren't me. Maybe one day i'll look back and think, ok, maybe that wasn't heartbreak, it is NOW. and that matters at present.
It's like trying to tell people they aren't really in love. They think they are because they have a different idea than us of what love is. Most of the time, they probably arent in love, but it's not because we have this great ability to sense fake love, it's because everyone, i mean EVERYONE gets confused as to what real love is. Realistically, there is somewhat of a definition to real love but it's elusive and more often we recognize what it's NOT than what it IS. How many 15 yr old couples who think they'll get married because they have "so much fun" with their bf/gf and just sit around watching tv together or making out are legitimately in love? Older people laugh at that idea. Those 15 yr olds lack maturity to understand what it means to love anyone other than themselves most of the time. A lot of people never mature to the point where they know what it is to love anyone but themselves, and to them, loving other people is just another way to love themselves! CIRCULAR SELFISHNESS.
Anyway, this went longer than intended, but i know no one will ever read this whole thing but myself sometime in the future so it's ok. I learned while i typed. This is why people always say that writers write everyday. They journal. It's because when you do that, you learn. you think. you get inspired and you get the subconcious stuff inside you out and you are surprised.
I just had a weird flashback memory that was completely untriggered. It's early september, it's raining, i'm in emily's car and we're listening to bright eyes and crying about different things just to cry with the rain and to get out our sadness and frustration in a place we feel safe. We drove bottom roads from Granville and we were at the stop sign facing the 251 hill up to IVCC. How did that happen? it doesnt smell like Stymie in the rain. it smells like peanut butter here. I'm not listening to bright eyes. I'm listening to Chiodos. I wasnt thinking about her, or crying, or connor oberst, or the things i cried about that day, or the rain. Weird.
In other news, I need to figure out what music i actually like on my computer and listen to that. No more of this "Do i like Senses Fail or The Academy Is...? I forgot. Let's listen to them until i get good and pissed before i remember."
Whoa. I'm listening to a good song to end this blog. It kind of wraps up every topic i covered. If i try to see it that way hard enough. haha. Except my stupidity being late to class and my moment of naked insanity.
lovemuch.shelby.