long time...

[lizdanzer]

i havnt written in a long time and it is mostly due to the fact that i have been incredibly busy lately with school and well, to be honest, have had no passion to write. I guess im back to my old self, boring, and well i dont hang out with any of the gang anymore. I see krysta and kev kev and louise a little bit, but nothing like the "good ole days!" we def dont party at 13 anymore and i hardly ever talk to john. excpet he was in this article in the daily aztec about the elevator permits being expired and it was so funny, i called him and was like john, you should specialize in elevator law! anyway, it was funny, trust me. but yea, i dropped donald off after this party a few weeks back and he was all on his ex in his driveway so i was like whatever, and 2 days later i got with brad and now hes my man. so that happened and school is going good but so much hw and studying. im going crazy. like practically every fri and sat night i spend with brad or doing hw, or studying. i guess im over the whole party scene. i realized one night, after donald made a f-ed up comment to me, that the people i met in oxford dont know me. They know an experience that i went through and my friends back home will never understand that part of me. but that is just a part, thats not me. Im not a partier, im not popular, i dont hang out with friends all the time. im an introvert, i always have been and i always will be. i dont socialize, i dont like it. and most of all, im not the kind of person who looks down on other people. donald and those people think they are better then everyone else, better then me. but ya know, if i was given everything in life and had successful rich parents who had every opportunity and could hand those opportunities to me then i would be like donald too. but my parents arnt like that, they have had a hard time bringing us up and my dad has overcome an anger problem, and my mom a baby at 18 and a failed marriage by 21. she works in a dead, boring job to support us and has never experienced much in life because from the time she was an adult she was giving her all to my brother. so i have had to work for the things i have and the sucess i enjoy. working through high school. and now working full time and going to school full time doesnt allow me to operate in school the same. i worry about money and about where im going to live, and if im going to eat. i dont have the luxery of my dad paying my rent check and having a credit card i co sign on. those people are so stuck up and as much as i would love to be a part of them, im not. its true, you can take the girl out of lakeside, but you cant take the lakeside out of the girl. im east county values and i always will be. but the people i met in oxford dont know me, they see me on the surface, and they think im an idiot. the people who truly know me, and ill admit its only a few, know that i am a brilliant person, no matter how dorky and stupid i seem like on the surface. i want to go to law school so bad but it seems that everywhere i turn people are telling me that i wont do good, like donald, and that was bringing me down, but now it empowers me. they dont make my destiny, i make my own. and my whole life i have proved to myself that i can do it. perserverance to work 40 hours a week and still go to school full time. dedication in the same job for over 3 years, not to mention the importance and responsibility i possess in that job. strength in everyone tearing me down yet still going after what i want. graduating in 4 years, when most graduate in 6 or even more, graduating at 21! all of those qualities seemed normal to me until i met these elite people that dont have any of these experiences i have to draw from. im unique in those experiences and they empower me and i will succeed in life because of them.

That was on old post on a saved draft... not much to update though... John is back with his ex, it actually makes me really happy in the fact that im so much better then all that stuff... then what he did to me and all the lies. Stu slept with another girl... says he still loves me but i always say actions speak louder than words... i love this song... i listen to it when i want to think about stuff... Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky. So the OC was on tonight and Marissa is dating some tatooed girl, now does it make me a lesbian if im jealous of them, despite thats its a tv show?They just make such a cute couple... i wonder what it would be like to date a girl. Maybe i should try that next, since the guy thing doesnt work to well for me... which brings me to brad... brad, brad, brad... such mixed feelings with him. ive liked him for so long but he is never close to me emotionally, which is a problem of course, especially me being a emotional person. I cant decide if i want to break up with him or not... all i want to do is graduate, go to law school, and move away from san diego and all this drama ive grown up with. life isnt fun anymore, its not depressing either, but its not fun. its the same stuff every day. except for my kitty i guess... i got a kitten for xmas from brad (suprise, i know) and she is adorable. Her official name is Canada, but we all call her Kitty. shes being a punk right now though. oh, you know what cd i picked up that is amazing... Jack Johnson's "Heavier Things". song #5 is unbelievable!i hope you all who read this are doing well... Craigy, dont know why you got fired from dominos, they dont know what theyre missing... Mike, wow, a baby, youre living my dream, married and having a kid so young, i always wonder what life would be like now if we hadnt... Dave, my davey, i hope all is going well for you. if there is anyone in this life who deserves great things it has to be you... i hope your safe and not dramatizing over any stupid girls... but if i know my dave you probable are... to the rest... "Are you driving under the influence?" "Why officer, is there a naked fat women in my back seat?"... "Get er done!"