i hate boyfriends
okay, so i worked 12 hours today just to get off work, see stu and have him drive me to a park so he tells me that he has been reading my emails and printed all of the ones out that were from john. givin i did lie to him about talking to him, he still has no right!! i know i should have just told him the truth, but i was going to break up with him anyway and i figured why hurt him that much more. or maybe i was just trying to save face and not make myself look stupid. which is what ended up happening anyway... he told me never to talk to him again and that that was it, i was out of his life. at one point i was drivin like why am i doing all this, why did i let him get away? but no matter how great of a guy he is or how great he treated me the bottom line is that i lost all of my caring for him and all my affection for him. it has nothing to do with john really but rather then being away from something for so long that you can step outside the boundries and look in on what is going on. and the point is that stu and i would have never worked. we worked because he liked taking care of someone and i liked leaning on someone. but somehow being alone 1/3 around the world will make you independent. and thats what i became. i wanted to make my own decisions without having to consult someone. i felt trapped, like i couldnt breathe. yea im an adult. and i do alot of adult things. i go to school over full time and i work over full time and im gonna move out and pay for myself and im a very intellectual woman. but not everything i can be perfect at and one thing stu said was why didnt i just be an adult and tell him the truth? and hes right. i should have. but if there is one thing i dont quite yet have down, it is confrontation. and you know what, im just gonna have to work on that through the years, im only 20! i cant have everything down yet and im sorry that i couldnt do that and tell you the truth stu. i guess it shows that im just not ready for a relationship yet, i think i do need to be single and chill with my girlfriends for now... and of course date a little... but i dont know. i just wish that i hadnt hurt him so bad because im selfish and i always put my thoughts and feelings above everyone elses. yea, i feel like shit and i do regret lying to him... but i dont regret what i did. carpe diem had consequences and as long as i want to live in today, i cant be mad for what it brings tomorrow. and i felt that i would have regretted more if i hadnt done anything in oxford and would have resented stu more too. but thats the way the cookie crumbles i guess and so lizzy is once again single.... and you know what, i think im gonna be okay this time... no more crying about not having a bf. i actually feel okay for once about being on my own...