I Wonder...
So, I've been thinking lately...Okay I'll call it over thinking cause, lets face it, that's just what I do. I've been listening to friends and even myself I suppose and I can't help but wonder what the deal is with being perfect. I know everyone has at least one thing that they wish they did better, or something they wish they could go back and change. Everyone has at least one regret and if you claim that you don't then you're a filthy liar! And I know some of you are thinking that regrets and mistakes are what make us who we are, and for the most part I completely agree with you. But I think that most people...and when I say most people I mean me...have over corrected the mistakes and regrets. Instead of understanding that everyone just screws up sometimes I head to the opposite end of the spectrum and I pray everyday that I don't screw up....And to be honest with you, I find that very odd. Its like we're a whole generation obsessed with being perfect.
As per usual I will give you some examples. However, all these examples are about me...Sorry but they're really all I have to go on.
Ever since I was very little I can't remember one time when I was proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I've never saved someone's life or found a cure for cancer but I, along with everyone else, have had my fair share of accomplishments. But with every accomplishment comes some degree of guilt. I always feel like what I accomplished was good and everything but I always feel like I could've done it better. I could have worked harder and put more of an effort in. I have never felt like I have given my all in anything. Why is that? I could understand if people told me that I could have done better but no one has ever done that. It's just an internal thing and I don't understand why I'm like that. I know I'm not the only one because I could give you a list of people who do the same thing. Maybe it all comes down to the ordinary versus extraordinary thing...
I have never heard anyone ever utter the words, "I just want to be ordinary in life. I want an ordinary existence. Average sounds like a good idea to me so that's what I want people to think when they hear my name...Average." I think everyone wants to be extraordinary. Everyone wants just one thing that separates them from everybody else. That one talent that makes the extraordinary. But the truth is not everyone can be extraordinary. That's reality. So when you keep striving for it, and you don't get it, every accomplishment is a little empty. And I don't want to be extraordinary because I think I have the skills to be, I just want it because I want it. I think everyone is kinda like that in their own way. Every person just wants a fill in the blank version of it. "People think I'm extraordinarily _________." Just a little something to be proud of. Some people might think that this whole idea is the spawn of some perfectionistic idea of what people are entitled to, and I can see their point. But I never claimed to live in a completely realistic world. Everyone is entitled to something special, something they can hold on to when everything else sucks to high heaven. "I just failed a math test but damnit I'm still the best Connect-Four player that has ever lived", you know, something like that. It is my personal belief that all human beings should have one accomplishment they can be totally and completely proud of. And maybe one day I'll find mine...and then again maybe I never will.
You know what else I've been thinking about lately, and I have no idea why....Sometimes I want to own a bookstore. Not a big bookstore, just a little one on a corner somewhere. I would fill it with a mix of new books and old books...you know the kinds that hard covers and gold leafed pages. And I can sit behind the counter and read any book I want. And when people come in I can talk to them about the books they've read...and I would have a little section for children's books...but all of those would have to be old because old children's books are far superior to the new ones. And every Saturday afternoon I would have fairytale plays and book readings. That would be really nice I think. And I would have all oak bookshelves and oversized chairs. If I had a crap load of money I would make it like a minature library where people could come in a read a whole book without having to buy it. I know all of that sounds pretty cheesy but I've come to realize that people don't read enough. Sure people read in college because professors make them, and people have to read for work and everything, but people don't seem to read for fun anymore. Even I don't read as much as I should I and love to read. I contend that there is nothing better on this earth than a good book. Everyone should have a favorite book. I think most people just have a hard time finding the right book to read and so they stop reading.
I also think that storytelling should make a come back. Back in the day that's all there was to do. People would sit around and tell stories. Some stories took all day, they were like spoken books. I wish I could do that. I wish I could tell a story so well that people would sit around for hours just to hear what happens in the end. I think life would be much slower and much more enjoyable if people still did things like that. Why is life so fast-paced? There should be more time for good books and good food and good conversations. But there's always something else that has to be done, something time-sensitive. And I'm sure that kind of existence seems very boring to all of you. But I've always liked listening to people talk. And when I say talk I don't mean run their mouth, but when someone actually sits down and talks to you about something. So much can be said about a person just by the way they talk...the words they use or when they stop to take a breath or think about what they want to say next. That's interesting to me. Which is why I feel that grammar can be manipulated to mimmick the way people talk. No one talks in complete sentences all the time and so characters in books should have to either. In my creative writing classes I have often caught some resistance on afformentioned idea, but I think eventually people will come around.
Well, I didn't plan on writing this much, nor did I intend on rambling on about things that really don't matter to most people. But since this is my journal and you're not forced to read it...I guess it doesn't really matter.
PS-Why has everyone stopped updating their journals? I cannot be the only person with the free-time to do it. I miss reading them. I have very few things that make my day and a new entry is one of them. So if you guys get the chance and you think about it, just give me a little update would ya!
As per usual I will give you some examples. However, all these examples are about me...Sorry but they're really all I have to go on.
Ever since I was very little I can't remember one time when I was proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I've never saved someone's life or found a cure for cancer but I, along with everyone else, have had my fair share of accomplishments. But with every accomplishment comes some degree of guilt. I always feel like what I accomplished was good and everything but I always feel like I could've done it better. I could have worked harder and put more of an effort in. I have never felt like I have given my all in anything. Why is that? I could understand if people told me that I could have done better but no one has ever done that. It's just an internal thing and I don't understand why I'm like that. I know I'm not the only one because I could give you a list of people who do the same thing. Maybe it all comes down to the ordinary versus extraordinary thing...
I have never heard anyone ever utter the words, "I just want to be ordinary in life. I want an ordinary existence. Average sounds like a good idea to me so that's what I want people to think when they hear my name...Average." I think everyone wants to be extraordinary. Everyone wants just one thing that separates them from everybody else. That one talent that makes the extraordinary. But the truth is not everyone can be extraordinary. That's reality. So when you keep striving for it, and you don't get it, every accomplishment is a little empty. And I don't want to be extraordinary because I think I have the skills to be, I just want it because I want it. I think everyone is kinda like that in their own way. Every person just wants a fill in the blank version of it. "People think I'm extraordinarily _________." Just a little something to be proud of. Some people might think that this whole idea is the spawn of some perfectionistic idea of what people are entitled to, and I can see their point. But I never claimed to live in a completely realistic world. Everyone is entitled to something special, something they can hold on to when everything else sucks to high heaven. "I just failed a math test but damnit I'm still the best Connect-Four player that has ever lived", you know, something like that. It is my personal belief that all human beings should have one accomplishment they can be totally and completely proud of. And maybe one day I'll find mine...and then again maybe I never will.
You know what else I've been thinking about lately, and I have no idea why....Sometimes I want to own a bookstore. Not a big bookstore, just a little one on a corner somewhere. I would fill it with a mix of new books and old books...you know the kinds that hard covers and gold leafed pages. And I can sit behind the counter and read any book I want. And when people come in I can talk to them about the books they've read...and I would have a little section for children's books...but all of those would have to be old because old children's books are far superior to the new ones. And every Saturday afternoon I would have fairytale plays and book readings. That would be really nice I think. And I would have all oak bookshelves and oversized chairs. If I had a crap load of money I would make it like a minature library where people could come in a read a whole book without having to buy it. I know all of that sounds pretty cheesy but I've come to realize that people don't read enough. Sure people read in college because professors make them, and people have to read for work and everything, but people don't seem to read for fun anymore. Even I don't read as much as I should I and love to read. I contend that there is nothing better on this earth than a good book. Everyone should have a favorite book. I think most people just have a hard time finding the right book to read and so they stop reading.
I also think that storytelling should make a come back. Back in the day that's all there was to do. People would sit around and tell stories. Some stories took all day, they were like spoken books. I wish I could do that. I wish I could tell a story so well that people would sit around for hours just to hear what happens in the end. I think life would be much slower and much more enjoyable if people still did things like that. Why is life so fast-paced? There should be more time for good books and good food and good conversations. But there's always something else that has to be done, something time-sensitive. And I'm sure that kind of existence seems very boring to all of you. But I've always liked listening to people talk. And when I say talk I don't mean run their mouth, but when someone actually sits down and talks to you about something. So much can be said about a person just by the way they talk...the words they use or when they stop to take a breath or think about what they want to say next. That's interesting to me. Which is why I feel that grammar can be manipulated to mimmick the way people talk. No one talks in complete sentences all the time and so characters in books should have to either. In my creative writing classes I have often caught some resistance on afformentioned idea, but I think eventually people will come around.
Well, I didn't plan on writing this much, nor did I intend on rambling on about things that really don't matter to most people. But since this is my journal and you're not forced to read it...I guess it doesn't really matter.
PS-Why has everyone stopped updating their journals? I cannot be the only person with the free-time to do it. I miss reading them. I have very few things that make my day and a new entry is one of them. So if you guys get the chance and you think about it, just give me a little update would ya!