(no subject)
I feel slightly invisible today. And I don't really know what to do to break out of it. Maybe nothing. Invisiblity could be a good thing.
More largely, continual resentment against this one friend here. She continually abandons me for her boyfriend and then just expects me to be there when she wants me there. It doesn't work that way. Soon she is going to wake up and realize she has no friends lying around but her boyfriend. And she has admitted that it isn't going to last forever.
The boy thing is getting better. The new strategy is just to try not to think about it. Try not and let things bother me. I am doing well with part one, not so well with part two. If only he weren't so weird it would be easier on me. He too, doesn't really see me. That is part of the problem. I am popular but invisible. Even amongst friends. Too bad I lost that notion of being the center of the universe in my childhood.
Crap. I am thinking. But I have been generally happy lately. Even though I am going to fail the midterm I have Thursday. And am not going to be able to finish two papers this weekend. Hopefully, I can pull off all of these things. Even the presentation that I have tomorrow. It is all so much. Too much sometimes. I am starting to understand why college is so much harder. When you have a life it is really hard to make yourself do school work.
Do I actually have a life? Who is going to stick around in the long run? Who should I actually want to stick around? The friend that I love to hang out with but abandons me the instant she gets a boyfriend? The friend with a huge ego that believes he is smarter than me? The weird friend that is constantly weird to me and ignores the small happening of me telling him that I like him? The friend that has judged me the few times I have had alcohol in college?
Since I had such a detached childhood, a lot of the time it feels easier just to float above everything and sever all ties. Ties are painful and maintaining them is difficult. But as nice as it sounds some times, being alone is worse than having friends. Sometimes it is difficult to tell. If only there were a relationship type that involved no frustration or grief.
More largely, continual resentment against this one friend here. She continually abandons me for her boyfriend and then just expects me to be there when she wants me there. It doesn't work that way. Soon she is going to wake up and realize she has no friends lying around but her boyfriend. And she has admitted that it isn't going to last forever.
The boy thing is getting better. The new strategy is just to try not to think about it. Try not and let things bother me. I am doing well with part one, not so well with part two. If only he weren't so weird it would be easier on me. He too, doesn't really see me. That is part of the problem. I am popular but invisible. Even amongst friends. Too bad I lost that notion of being the center of the universe in my childhood.
Crap. I am thinking. But I have been generally happy lately. Even though I am going to fail the midterm I have Thursday. And am not going to be able to finish two papers this weekend. Hopefully, I can pull off all of these things. Even the presentation that I have tomorrow. It is all so much. Too much sometimes. I am starting to understand why college is so much harder. When you have a life it is really hard to make yourself do school work.
Do I actually have a life? Who is going to stick around in the long run? Who should I actually want to stick around? The friend that I love to hang out with but abandons me the instant she gets a boyfriend? The friend with a huge ego that believes he is smarter than me? The weird friend that is constantly weird to me and ignores the small happening of me telling him that I like him? The friend that has judged me the few times I have had alcohol in college?
Since I had such a detached childhood, a lot of the time it feels easier just to float above everything and sever all ties. Ties are painful and maintaining them is difficult. But as nice as it sounds some times, being alone is worse than having friends. Sometimes it is difficult to tell. If only there were a relationship type that involved no frustration or grief.