senior work: LANG! The Musical!
i've been writing. i just haven't been posting.
but as many of you may know, my entire life these past few months has been eaten, nay, DEVOURED by that beast known to us eugene lang college seniors as Senior Work.
but now it is completed. for your reading pleasure, here is Lang! The Musical!
for those of you who don't know, this is a musical written about life at my school, eugene lang college, in new york city. so there might be a lot of jokes that you don't get unless you go to my school. the idea is that it is an on-site performance, actually starting outside of loeb hall (one of the dorms), travelling down 12th st, and ending up in the lang courtyard.
there will be a reading on wednesday, may 10 in room 001 (the basement) of 65 W 12th st at 6pm. the actual performance will take place on friday, may 10 at 4pm, starting outside of loeb hall, 135 E 12th st between 3rd & 4th aves. if you can make it, please do!
if you only want to read the songs, i've placed the beginning of each of them under its own convenient lj-cut.
by all means, leave comments, feedback, etc.
Afternoon. Four students are milling around outside of Loeb Hall, talking, smoking, etc.
STUDENT 4
WELL IT’S THE END OF THE SEMESTER
AND THE ACADEMIC YEAR
YOU’VE BEEN HERE SINCE SEPTEMBER
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE IT HERE?
STUDENT 3
SOME FOLKS HAVE SAID I SHOULD HAVE GONE
TO A REAL COLLEGE INSTEAD
BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT THEY’VE BEEN WRONG
I’VE NEVER BEEN QUITE SO WELL-READ.
IT’S BEEN GREAT FOR IMPROVING MY SMARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
STUDENT 4
AND WHAT ABOUT THE STUDENTS?
STUDENT 3
OH, THE PEOPLE HERE ARE ACE.
I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY VEGANS
GATHERED IN A SINGLE PLACE.
I HAVE CLASSES FILLED WITH POETS
AND COMPLETELY VOID OF JOCKS
AND I’VE HAD AN INTRIGUING STUDY
OF WHITE GIRLS WITH DREADLOCKS.
IT’S REALLY THE SUM OF ITS PARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
I’VE NEVER HAD SO MANY THINGS TO BOYCOTT
IN THE COURTYARD PRETENDING THAT I DON’T SMELL POT
YOU SHOULD SEE ALL OF THE NEW BOOKS THAT I GOT
AND HALF OF MY FRIENDS OBSERVE SHABBAT
I GOTTA SAY I’M LOVING LANG
PROUD TO BE AMONGST ITS SCHOLARS
LEARNING HOW TO READ AND WRITE
FOR ONLY THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
AND EVEN THOUGH THE FOCUS HERE
IS SOMETIMES A BIT…ASKEW
LET’S RAISE OUR CIGARETTES AND TOAST
THAT AT LEAST IT’S NOT NYU!
STUDENTS 3 & 4
YES WE LOVE IT WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS
DEAR EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
STUDENT 1
So, what do you have left to do for finals?
STUDENT 2
Oh god, I don’t even want to talk about it.
STUDENT 3
Christ. I’ve got like four papers due.
STUDENT 1
But you’re only in three classes.
STUDENT 3
Yeah, but one’s from two months ago.
Everyone groans and nods in sympathy.
STUDENT 1
What about you? How’re finals?
STUDENT 4
Oh you know. Just some reading to do.
STUDENT 2
How much reading?
STUDENT 4
(burying her head in her hands) A 400-page novel.
STUDENT 3
Is your teacher clinically insane? How the hell are you supposed to read 400 pages in a week?
STUDENT 4
Well, I’ve sort of had the assignment for two weeks.
Everyone groans and nods in sympathy.
STUDENT 1
That reminds me, where’s MC?
STUDENT 3
Yeah seriously. She’s usually out here with us at this time of day.
STUDENT 1
She was in the study lounge last night, freaking out about some paper.
STUDENT 2
I saw her. She looked like she was about to cry.
STUDENT 4
I’ve cried eight times in the past two weeks. That’s how you know it’s finals time.
STUDENT 3
Well damn, we’ve all got papers due. I’m going to go up and get her.
STUDENT 2
No, don’t. She’s really stressed out. I don’t think her teacher’s going to let her turn her paper in late.
STUDENT 3
Well, when’s it due? Today?
STUDENT 2
Today.
ALL
Today!
STUDENT 2
I KNOW WHY OUR FRIEND IS MISSING FROM OUR DAILY CONGREGATION
FOR LAZINESS AND DEADLINES ARE A DEADLY COMBINATION
EVERYONE IS SUBJECT, FROM OUR FIRST DAY TO GRADUATION
SHE HAS BECOME A VICTIM OF…
MAIN CHARACTER (MC) bursts out of the door.
MC
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
HOW IS IT THAT A THOUGHTFUL, CLEVER STUDENT
CAN GET TANGLED IN PROCRASTINATION’S TRAP?
I AM WEAK AGAINST ITS POWERS!
GIVE ME WEEKS OR DAYS OR HOURS
AND I'LL TAKE THREE-FOURTHS OF THEM TO TAKE A NAP!
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
WHY DON'T I SIMPLY READ INSTEAD OF SNACKING?
I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE.
BUT I CAVE! AND TO MY SORROW
I'VE FIFTY PAGES DUE TOMORROW
AND I'LL START SCREAMING TO MYSELF "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!"
BUT THEN I START THINKING OF MY WARM SOFT BED
AND FORGET ABOUT THE CHAPTERS THAT HAVE GONE UNREAD
EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS IT'S AN URGENT CALL
SOMEONE MAY HAVE WRITTEN ON MY FACEBOOK WALL
I SIMPLY CANNOT TYPE WITH THIS PIMPLE ON MY CHIN
AND LOOK! I LOVE THE 90'S IS ON VH1 AGAIN!
IS IT ANY WONDER
THAT I FALL INTO THE BLUNDER OF…
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
IT'S A DISEASE! A PLAGUE! A HORRID DEATHLY ILLNESS!
ALTHOUGH I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT A CRIME.
BUT AS MY WITNESS, HEAR ME SAY
THAT IT'S GOING TO STOP TODAY!
THIS PAPER HERE WILL BE TURNED IN ON TIME!
MC
I’ve got to get this paper in my teacher’s mailbox by 5pm today.
STUDENT 3
Dude. You’d better peace out, then. You don’t have much time.
STUDENT 4
Good thing you stopped to sing that song.
MC
Shut up! I’ve been working all night. I think I’ve earned a break.
She sits on the wall. Her friends start shoving her.
STUDENT 1
Well are you going to turn it in or what?
MC
I’ll do it in a second! It’ll get done.
STUDENT 3
What’s the paper on, anyway?
MC
The Political Gender Metaphysics of Foucault as Examined Through Marxist Cultural Narratives.
STUDENT 1
Is that for Pedagogies of Comparative Urban Feminism and Its Discontents? I tried so hard to get into that class but your teacher wouldn’t overtally me.
STUDENT 2
Hm, sounds like a hardass. The kind that probably won’t accept that paper late, either.
MC
Fine! I’m going! Shit! At least come with me.
STUDENT 2
What, to school?
MC
Yeah, where else?
STUDENT 2
(whiny) To the 11th street building?
MC
Come onnnnnn. I don’t want to walk all that way by myself.
STUDENT 4
What are you talking about, “all that way”?
STUDENT 2
You don’t know cuz you don’t live here. It’s a hella long walk.
STUDENT 4
What? What? You need to stop with that.
MC
You live at Union Square! It’s like miles closer to school.
WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT WE HAVE TO PAY TO LIVE HERE,
IT’S PRACTICALLY A SACK AND PILLAGE
WHEN YOU REALIZE WE’VE GOT THE LONGEST WALK
OF ALL THE HOUSING IN THE VILLAGE!
COME ON, LET’S GO AND I’LL SHOW YOU HOW
IT ISN’T FAIR, NO
IT ISN’T FAIR
During the course of the song, the group is walking towards school. Several people from various buildings overhear the conversation and join in as needed.
MC and STUDENT 2
I DON’T GET ALL THE GOOD STUFF THAT YOU GET TO HAVE
CUZ I’M LIVING WAY UP HERE ON THIRD AVE
OVER THERE, UNION SQUARE, IT’S THE BEST! I AM SURE.
YOU’VE GOT THE GREEN MARKET RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR
IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE! SUCH A PERFECT LOCATION.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THIS DAILY MIGRATION.
SCHOOL? I’D ALREADY BE THERE
IF I LIVED AT UNION SQUARE!
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
STUDENT 4
(spoken) You’ve got to be kidding. You have no idea what it’s like to live over there.
LISTEN UP, MY DEAR LOEB GIRL. TAKE IT FROM ME
UNION SQUARE’S NOT EXACTLY A SWEET CUP OF TEA.
THINK YOU’VE GOT IT BAD? LET THIS BE REASSURANCE.
LOUD ANGRY PROTESTS ARE A DAILY OCCURANCE.
YOU THINK I LIKE SLEEPING AN INCH FROM THE CEILING?
OR THAT STARING AT NYU DORMS IS APPEALING?
IT DOESN’T REALLY SEEM TOO FAIR
THAT I HAVE TO LIVE AT UNION SQUARE!
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
(spoken) Alright then, fine. Maybe you’re right. I forgot about that lofted bed situation. But what about 13th street? Those kids have got it made.
13TH STREET, UNLIKE US, NEVER HAVE TO HAUL ASS
THEY JUST ROLL OUT OF BED AND BOOM, THEY’RE IN CLASS.
THEY’RE ALSO IN VERY CLOSE PROXIMITY
TO THE F, V, 1, 2, 3 TRAINS AND THE UCC.
I’M TELLING YOU IT WOULD BE SWEET
IF I LIVED AT 13TH STREET.
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
13th STREET RESIDENT
YOU WANT TO LIVE AT 13TH? I’M TELLING YOU HONEY
THIRTEEN HUNDRED BUCKS IS A SHITLOAD OF MONEY
TO PAY FOR A MEAL CARD. AND TRUST ME, IT’S NOT GREAT
IF YOU EVER GET HUNGRY SOMETIME AFTER EIGHT.
FORGOT YOUR KEY WHEN YOU PEE? FORGET IT, YOU’RE STUCK.
YOU THINK IT’S LUCKY 13 BUT I’M SHIT OUT OF LUCK!
LISTEN GIRL, IT AIN’T NO TREAT
LIVING AT 13TH STREET.
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
WELL WHAT ABOUT MARLTON? THE LOCATION’S SO NICE.
MARLTON KID
YOU’D SING A DIFFERENT TUNE IF YOU SAW THE RATS AND MICE.
MC
COME ON. MARLTON CAN’T BE THAT BAD, I BET.
MARLTON KID
WE’RE THE ONLY DORM WITHOUT LAUNDRY OR INTERNET!
AND BELIEVE ME, YOU’LL QUICKLY WISH YOU WERE GONE
THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE PUKES ALL OVER THE JOHN!
(spoken) Oh, those double entendres!
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
20TH STREET GUY
WELL WHAT ABOUT US IN CHELSEA? AT 20TH STREET.
WE’RE NOT EVEN AMONG ALL YOU VILLAGE ELITE.
MC
BUT YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF THE CITY!
20TH STREET GUY
IF YOU LIVED IN MY BUILDING, THEN YOU’D SHOW ME SOME PITY.
YOU TRY CLIMBING TEN FLOORS WHEN THE ELEVATOR IS OUT.
ONLY THREE WASHERS AND DRYERS? WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT?
DON’T LET CHELSEA BE A DECEIT.
YOU DON’T WANT TO LIVE AT 20TH STREET.
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
WILLIAM STREET GIRL, POSSIBLY ME
WELL I’VE GOT TO SAY, IT’S AWFULLY CUTE
SOMEONE FROM LOEB GRUMBLES ABOUT THE COMMUTE.
MC
OH RIGHT, WILLIAM STREET.
WILLIAM STREET GIRL, POSSIBLY ME
YOU GUESSED IT, MY DEAR.
I HAD TO RIDE THE SUBWAY THE ENTIRE WAY HERE.
BROOKLYN CHUMP
OH BOO HOO. THREE WHOLE STOPS. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HELL?
I LIVE IN BROOKLYN! I HAD TO TAKE THE L!
QUEENS GEEK
YOU WANT PITY FROM ME? HA! I LIVE IN QUEENS!
WILLIAM STREET, BKLYN AND QUEENS KIDS
IN THE MORNINGS AND EVENINGS WE’RE CRUSHED LIKE SARDINES!
13TH STREET RESIDENT
OH YEAH WELL WE’VE GOT CONSTRUCTION.
MARLTON KID
US TOO. SO MUCH CONSTRUCTION.
WILLIAM STREET GIRL
DON’T GET ME STARTED ON CONSTRUCTION.
BROOKLYN CHUMP
DON’T EVEN SAY THE WORD CONSTRUCTION!
EVERYONE
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
Okay! Okay!
SO MAYBE IT’S NOT BETTER
MAYBE YOU DON’T HAVE IT SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN IT COMES TO DORMS, THERE’S NO GUARANTEE.
BUT YOU MUST ADMIT THAT IT IS TRUE
I’M THE ONE WITH THE PAPER DUE!
SO YES!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER
BETTER
THAN
ME!
Everyone but STUDENT 2 slinks away (they will go to the courtyard for a later song). MC and STUDENT 2 are standing in front of the 12th street building.
STUDENT 2
Okay, here we are.
MC
How are we doing on time?
STUDENT 2
Still have a couple of minutes left. You’ll make it.
MC
I don’t know. I still have to make it through the courtyard.
Dramatic pause.
STUDENT 2
You can do it, girl. Just run. Run! Don’t let anyone get in your way. Speak to no one! Do you hear me?
MC
I’ll never make it! I’ll go in the 11th street side!
STUDENT 2
No time! We lost our keycards at that Bright Eyes show, remember?
MC
Shh! Do you want people to know that we listen to Bright Eyes?
STUDENT 2
Forget it! Just go!
MC
I’ll never make it!
STUDENT 2
You must! Come on, we’ll do it together!
They dash in, try to run past everyone, but are hindered by billowing clouds of cigarette smoke and people calling them over.
STUDENT 2
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD, BABY
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD
YOU WON’T CHOKE ON THE SMOKE
NO, NO, I’LL BREEZE YOU THROUGH IT
WE’LL STRIDE PROUD THROUGH THE CLOUD
COME ON! WE CAN DO IT
I’LL BE YOUR LUNGS’ OWN LIFEGUARD
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD!
MC
I CAN’T GO THROUGH THE COURTYARD, BABY
I CRUMBLE IN THE COURTYARD
I CAN’T BEAR NOT TO SHARE
IN THAT JUICY CONVERSATION
STUDENT 2
WE MUST RUSH!
MC
I CAN’T HUSH!
STUDENT 2
NO MORE HESITATION
I KNOW OLD HABITS DIE HARD
BUT MAKE AN EFFORT IN THE COURTYARD
COME ON AND FOLLOW ME
IGNORE THE TAI CHI
KID DOING FALUN GONG
It’s Falun Gong!
STUDENT 2
WE’LL JUST JITTERBUG RIGHT PAST THE BUTT-PLUGS
ONE TWO AND THREE
I GUARANTEE
THAT
WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE COURTYARD BABY
WE’RE ALMOST THROUGH THE COURTYARD
MC
ARE YOU SURE?
STUDENT 2
THERE’S THE DOOR!
ALL THE BLOCKS HAVE BEEN EVADED
MC
NOT THERE YET!
STUDENT 2
DON’T YOU FRET!
YOUR PAPER WILL BE GRADED
COME ON LET’S GO! NO HOLDS BARRED!
MC
WE MADE IT THROUGH!
STUDENT 2
WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
MC and STUDENT 2
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE COURTYARD!
MC and STUDENT 2 burst through the doors and stand breathlessly before the Lang elevator.
MC
Made it! But just barely! Oh, what the hell is wrong with this elevator? Can it be any slower?
STUDENT 2
Forget the elevator! For one, it’s like talking about the weather. For two, less than a minute left! Listen to me. No Lang kid in the history of the school has ever pulled an athletic stunt as you are about to. Hell, no Lang kid has ever pulled an athletic stunt, ever. But today, right here, right now, you will run. You will sprint. You will race up those stairs and you will go down the hall to the dean’s office and you will put that paper in your teacher’s mailbox! I believe in you, MC. Now run. Run like you’ve never run before!
MC
But I’ve just breathed in all that smoke…
STUDENT 2
Run, damn you!!!
She runs. Led by STUDENT 2, the kids in the courtyard sing the very simple WILL-SHE-MAKE-IT song. Suddenly, someone points to the bridge. MC waves down from above. She gives the thumbs-up sign.
STUDENT 2
She made it!
Everyone sings the YES SHE MADE IT song, which is almost identical to the previous song, while MC returns to the courtyard. MC and STUDENT 2 have a celebratory dance. MC spies someone from her class and rushes over.
MC
Hey! Did you get your paper turned in for Pedagogies of Comparative Urban Feminism and Its Discontents?
CLASSMATE
Yeah, about half an hour ago.
MC
Oh my god, I was so stressed out about that damn thing.
CLASSMATE
Oh sweetie, were you freaking out?
I KNOW YOUR STORY, I KNOW YOUR PLIGHT
YOU’VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PAPER ALL NIGHT
NOW YOU’VE TURNED IT IN AND YOU THINK THAT YOU’VE GOT IT MADE
YOU’RE SO TIRED AND YOUR NERVES ARE BENT
THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THE TIME YOU’VE SPENT
BUT THE PAPER’S ONLY TEN PERCENT OF THE FINAL GRADE
DON’T GET ANGRY, DON’T MAKE A FUSS
IT’S WRITTEN RIGHT THERE IN THE SYLLABUS
YOU’RE GOOD TO GO
IF YOU JUST SHOW
YOUR ABILITY TO DISCUSS
I’M TALKIN’ BOUT
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CONCENTRATION
PUT DISCUSSION IN YOUR REPETOIRE
DON’T FORGET IT’S A SEMINAR
MC
I KNOW I OUGHTA TRY AND SPEAK
BUT THE SITUATION’S KIND OF BLEAK
SO MANY STUDENTS, I CAN’T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE
AND I DON’T WANT TO SEEM MISANTHROPIC
BUT WHY CAN’T PEOPLE FUCKING STAY ON TOPIC?
IT’S JUST CRAZY!
EVERYONE
WE CAN SYMPATHIZE!
STUDENT 5
THERE’S THAT GIRL WHO ALWAYS STARTS A FIGHT
STUDENT 6
AND THAT GUY WHO CALLS MY POEMS TRITE
MC
I SIMPLY CAN’T
HEAR ONE MORE RANT
FROM SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS THINKS THEY’RE RIGHT
EVERYONE
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
CAN’T GET THROUGH THE VERBAL MASTURBATION
EITHER THE MAIN POINT’S GETTING BLURRED
OR I CAN’T EVEN MAKE MYSELF HEARD
CLASSMATE
COME ON, YOU’LL THINK OF SOMETHING
MC
MY THOUGHT? SOMEBODY’S SAID IT.
CLASSMATE
JUMP INTO THE DISCUSSION!
MC
NO, NO, I REALLY DREAD IT
CLASSMATE
YOU GOTTA MAKE A COMMENT
IF YOU WANT TO GET CREDIT
MC
I MUST MAKE A CONFESSION.
THE BOOK? I HAVEN’T READ IT.
EVERYONE
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
JUST A PART OF A LANG EDUCATION
IF YOU STAY QUIET YOU’LL QUICKLY LEARN
THIS IS NO PLACE FOR THE TACITURN
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION!
MC
So, all that work, all that rushing, all for nothing?
STUDENT 2
Don’t be lame. Certainly you’ve learned something from all of this.
MC
Not to procrastinate?
STUDENT 2
No, I doubt you’ve learned that.
MC
True. Um…to read my syllabus closely?
STUDENT 2
Nope.
MC
That my fellow students can carry a tune better than I thought?
STUDENT 2
No, silly. The paper. What did you learn about from writing the paper?
MC
You mean…I learned about The Political Gender Metaphysics of Foucault as Examined Through Marxist Cultural Narratives?
STUDENT 2
Exactly!
MC
Why…you’re right! Boy, that’s really going to come in handy someday!
MY KNOWLEDGE KEEPS ON GROWING
EVEN WHEN CLASS IS ADJOURNED
MC AND STUDENT 2
AND WE’LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
MC, STUDENT 2, AND CLASSMATE
FOR EVERYTHING THAT WE’VE LEARNED
EVERYONE
YES WE LOVE IT WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
END OF PLAY
thank you for reading!
but as many of you may know, my entire life these past few months has been eaten, nay, DEVOURED by that beast known to us eugene lang college seniors as Senior Work.
but now it is completed. for your reading pleasure, here is Lang! The Musical!
for those of you who don't know, this is a musical written about life at my school, eugene lang college, in new york city. so there might be a lot of jokes that you don't get unless you go to my school. the idea is that it is an on-site performance, actually starting outside of loeb hall (one of the dorms), travelling down 12th st, and ending up in the lang courtyard.
there will be a reading on wednesday, may 10 in room 001 (the basement) of 65 W 12th st at 6pm. the actual performance will take place on friday, may 10 at 4pm, starting outside of loeb hall, 135 E 12th st between 3rd & 4th aves. if you can make it, please do!
if you only want to read the songs, i've placed the beginning of each of them under its own convenient lj-cut.
by all means, leave comments, feedback, etc.
Afternoon. Four students are milling around outside of Loeb Hall, talking, smoking, etc.
STUDENT 4
WELL IT’S THE END OF THE SEMESTER
AND THE ACADEMIC YEAR
YOU’VE BEEN HERE SINCE SEPTEMBER
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE IT HERE?
STUDENT 3
SOME FOLKS HAVE SAID I SHOULD HAVE GONE
TO A REAL COLLEGE INSTEAD
BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT THEY’VE BEEN WRONG
I’VE NEVER BEEN QUITE SO WELL-READ.
IT’S BEEN GREAT FOR IMPROVING MY SMARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
STUDENT 4
AND WHAT ABOUT THE STUDENTS?
STUDENT 3
OH, THE PEOPLE HERE ARE ACE.
I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY VEGANS
GATHERED IN A SINGLE PLACE.
I HAVE CLASSES FILLED WITH POETS
AND COMPLETELY VOID OF JOCKS
AND I’VE HAD AN INTRIGUING STUDY
OF WHITE GIRLS WITH DREADLOCKS.
IT’S REALLY THE SUM OF ITS PARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
I’VE NEVER HAD SO MANY THINGS TO BOYCOTT
IN THE COURTYARD PRETENDING THAT I DON’T SMELL POT
YOU SHOULD SEE ALL OF THE NEW BOOKS THAT I GOT
AND HALF OF MY FRIENDS OBSERVE SHABBAT
I GOTTA SAY I’M LOVING LANG
PROUD TO BE AMONGST ITS SCHOLARS
LEARNING HOW TO READ AND WRITE
FOR ONLY THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
AND EVEN THOUGH THE FOCUS HERE
IS SOMETIMES A BIT…ASKEW
LET’S RAISE OUR CIGARETTES AND TOAST
THAT AT LEAST IT’S NOT NYU!
STUDENTS 3 & 4
YES WE LOVE IT WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS
DEAR EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
STUDENT 1
So, what do you have left to do for finals?
STUDENT 2
Oh god, I don’t even want to talk about it.
STUDENT 3
Christ. I’ve got like four papers due.
STUDENT 1
But you’re only in three classes.
STUDENT 3
Yeah, but one’s from two months ago.
Everyone groans and nods in sympathy.
STUDENT 1
What about you? How’re finals?
STUDENT 4
Oh you know. Just some reading to do.
STUDENT 2
How much reading?
STUDENT 4
(burying her head in her hands) A 400-page novel.
STUDENT 3
Is your teacher clinically insane? How the hell are you supposed to read 400 pages in a week?
STUDENT 4
Well, I’ve sort of had the assignment for two weeks.
Everyone groans and nods in sympathy.
STUDENT 1
That reminds me, where’s MC?
STUDENT 3
Yeah seriously. She’s usually out here with us at this time of day.
STUDENT 1
She was in the study lounge last night, freaking out about some paper.
STUDENT 2
I saw her. She looked like she was about to cry.
STUDENT 4
I’ve cried eight times in the past two weeks. That’s how you know it’s finals time.
STUDENT 3
Well damn, we’ve all got papers due. I’m going to go up and get her.
STUDENT 2
No, don’t. She’s really stressed out. I don’t think her teacher’s going to let her turn her paper in late.
STUDENT 3
Well, when’s it due? Today?
STUDENT 2
Today.
ALL
Today!
STUDENT 2
I KNOW WHY OUR FRIEND IS MISSING FROM OUR DAILY CONGREGATION
FOR LAZINESS AND DEADLINES ARE A DEADLY COMBINATION
EVERYONE IS SUBJECT, FROM OUR FIRST DAY TO GRADUATION
SHE HAS BECOME A VICTIM OF…
MAIN CHARACTER (MC) bursts out of the door.
MC
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
HOW IS IT THAT A THOUGHTFUL, CLEVER STUDENT
CAN GET TANGLED IN PROCRASTINATION’S TRAP?
I AM WEAK AGAINST ITS POWERS!
GIVE ME WEEKS OR DAYS OR HOURS
AND I'LL TAKE THREE-FOURTHS OF THEM TO TAKE A NAP!
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
WHY DON'T I SIMPLY READ INSTEAD OF SNACKING?
I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE.
BUT I CAVE! AND TO MY SORROW
I'VE FIFTY PAGES DUE TOMORROW
AND I'LL START SCREAMING TO MYSELF "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!"
BUT THEN I START THINKING OF MY WARM SOFT BED
AND FORGET ABOUT THE CHAPTERS THAT HAVE GONE UNREAD
EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS IT'S AN URGENT CALL
SOMEONE MAY HAVE WRITTEN ON MY FACEBOOK WALL
I SIMPLY CANNOT TYPE WITH THIS PIMPLE ON MY CHIN
AND LOOK! I LOVE THE 90'S IS ON VH1 AGAIN!
IS IT ANY WONDER
THAT I FALL INTO THE BLUNDER OF…
PROCRASTINATION! PROCRASTINATION!
IT'S A DISEASE! A PLAGUE! A HORRID DEATHLY ILLNESS!
ALTHOUGH I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT A CRIME.
BUT AS MY WITNESS, HEAR ME SAY
THAT IT'S GOING TO STOP TODAY!
THIS PAPER HERE WILL BE TURNED IN ON TIME!
MC
I’ve got to get this paper in my teacher’s mailbox by 5pm today.
STUDENT 3
Dude. You’d better peace out, then. You don’t have much time.
STUDENT 4
Good thing you stopped to sing that song.
MC
Shut up! I’ve been working all night. I think I’ve earned a break.
She sits on the wall. Her friends start shoving her.
STUDENT 1
Well are you going to turn it in or what?
MC
I’ll do it in a second! It’ll get done.
STUDENT 3
What’s the paper on, anyway?
MC
The Political Gender Metaphysics of Foucault as Examined Through Marxist Cultural Narratives.
STUDENT 1
Is that for Pedagogies of Comparative Urban Feminism and Its Discontents? I tried so hard to get into that class but your teacher wouldn’t overtally me.
STUDENT 2
Hm, sounds like a hardass. The kind that probably won’t accept that paper late, either.
MC
Fine! I’m going! Shit! At least come with me.
STUDENT 2
What, to school?
MC
Yeah, where else?
STUDENT 2
(whiny) To the 11th street building?
MC
Come onnnnnn. I don’t want to walk all that way by myself.
STUDENT 4
What are you talking about, “all that way”?
STUDENT 2
You don’t know cuz you don’t live here. It’s a hella long walk.
STUDENT 4
What? What? You need to stop with that.
MC
You live at Union Square! It’s like miles closer to school.
WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT WE HAVE TO PAY TO LIVE HERE,
IT’S PRACTICALLY A SACK AND PILLAGE
WHEN YOU REALIZE WE’VE GOT THE LONGEST WALK
OF ALL THE HOUSING IN THE VILLAGE!
COME ON, LET’S GO AND I’LL SHOW YOU HOW
IT ISN’T FAIR, NO
IT ISN’T FAIR
During the course of the song, the group is walking towards school. Several people from various buildings overhear the conversation and join in as needed.
MC and STUDENT 2
I DON’T GET ALL THE GOOD STUFF THAT YOU GET TO HAVE
CUZ I’M LIVING WAY UP HERE ON THIRD AVE
OVER THERE, UNION SQUARE, IT’S THE BEST! I AM SURE.
YOU’VE GOT THE GREEN MARKET RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR
IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE! SUCH A PERFECT LOCATION.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THIS DAILY MIGRATION.
SCHOOL? I’D ALREADY BE THERE
IF I LIVED AT UNION SQUARE!
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
STUDENT 4
(spoken) You’ve got to be kidding. You have no idea what it’s like to live over there.
LISTEN UP, MY DEAR LOEB GIRL. TAKE IT FROM ME
UNION SQUARE’S NOT EXACTLY A SWEET CUP OF TEA.
THINK YOU’VE GOT IT BAD? LET THIS BE REASSURANCE.
LOUD ANGRY PROTESTS ARE A DAILY OCCURANCE.
YOU THINK I LIKE SLEEPING AN INCH FROM THE CEILING?
OR THAT STARING AT NYU DORMS IS APPEALING?
IT DOESN’T REALLY SEEM TOO FAIR
THAT I HAVE TO LIVE AT UNION SQUARE!
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
(spoken) Alright then, fine. Maybe you’re right. I forgot about that lofted bed situation. But what about 13th street? Those kids have got it made.
13TH STREET, UNLIKE US, NEVER HAVE TO HAUL ASS
THEY JUST ROLL OUT OF BED AND BOOM, THEY’RE IN CLASS.
THEY’RE ALSO IN VERY CLOSE PROXIMITY
TO THE F, V, 1, 2, 3 TRAINS AND THE UCC.
I’M TELLING YOU IT WOULD BE SWEET
IF I LIVED AT 13TH STREET.
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
13th STREET RESIDENT
YOU WANT TO LIVE AT 13TH? I’M TELLING YOU HONEY
THIRTEEN HUNDRED BUCKS IS A SHITLOAD OF MONEY
TO PAY FOR A MEAL CARD. AND TRUST ME, IT’S NOT GREAT
IF YOU EVER GET HUNGRY SOMETIME AFTER EIGHT.
FORGOT YOUR KEY WHEN YOU PEE? FORGET IT, YOU’RE STUCK.
YOU THINK IT’S LUCKY 13 BUT I’M SHIT OUT OF LUCK!
LISTEN GIRL, IT AIN’T NO TREAT
LIVING AT 13TH STREET.
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
WELL WHAT ABOUT MARLTON? THE LOCATION’S SO NICE.
MARLTON KID
YOU’D SING A DIFFERENT TUNE IF YOU SAW THE RATS AND MICE.
MC
COME ON. MARLTON CAN’T BE THAT BAD, I BET.
MARLTON KID
WE’RE THE ONLY DORM WITHOUT LAUNDRY OR INTERNET!
AND BELIEVE ME, YOU’LL QUICKLY WISH YOU WERE GONE
THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE PUKES ALL OVER THE JOHN!
(spoken) Oh, those double entendres!
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
20TH STREET GUY
WELL WHAT ABOUT US IN CHELSEA? AT 20TH STREET.
WE’RE NOT EVEN AMONG ALL YOU VILLAGE ELITE.
MC
BUT YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF THE CITY!
20TH STREET GUY
IF YOU LIVED IN MY BUILDING, THEN YOU’D SHOW ME SOME PITY.
YOU TRY CLIMBING TEN FLOORS WHEN THE ELEVATOR IS OUT.
ONLY THREE WASHERS AND DRYERS? WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT?
DON’T LET CHELSEA BE A DECEIT.
YOU DON’T WANT TO LIVE AT 20TH STREET.
YOU’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
WILLIAM STREET GIRL, POSSIBLY ME
WELL I’VE GOT TO SAY, IT’S AWFULLY CUTE
SOMEONE FROM LOEB GRUMBLES ABOUT THE COMMUTE.
MC
OH RIGHT, WILLIAM STREET.
WILLIAM STREET GIRL, POSSIBLY ME
YOU GUESSED IT, MY DEAR.
I HAD TO RIDE THE SUBWAY THE ENTIRE WAY HERE.
BROOKLYN CHUMP
OH BOO HOO. THREE WHOLE STOPS. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HELL?
I LIVE IN BROOKLYN! I HAD TO TAKE THE L!
QUEENS GEEK
YOU WANT PITY FROM ME? HA! I LIVE IN QUEENS!
WILLIAM STREET, BKLYN AND QUEENS KIDS
IN THE MORNINGS AND EVENINGS WE’RE CRUSHED LIKE SARDINES!
13TH STREET RESIDENT
OH YEAH WELL WE’VE GOT CONSTRUCTION.
MARLTON KID
US TOO. SO MUCH CONSTRUCTION.
WILLIAM STREET GIRL
DON’T GET ME STARTED ON CONSTRUCTION.
BROOKLYN CHUMP
DON’T EVEN SAY THE WORD CONSTRUCTION!
EVERYONE
THEY’VE GOT IT BETTER!
IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
MC
Okay! Okay!
SO MAYBE IT’S NOT BETTER
MAYBE YOU DON’T HAVE IT SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN IT COMES TO DORMS, THERE’S NO GUARANTEE.
BUT YOU MUST ADMIT THAT IT IS TRUE
I’M THE ONE WITH THE PAPER DUE!
SO YES!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER THAN ME!
EVERYONE’S GOT IT BETTER
BETTER
THAN
ME!
Everyone but STUDENT 2 slinks away (they will go to the courtyard for a later song). MC and STUDENT 2 are standing in front of the 12th street building.
STUDENT 2
Okay, here we are.
MC
How are we doing on time?
STUDENT 2
Still have a couple of minutes left. You’ll make it.
MC
I don’t know. I still have to make it through the courtyard.
Dramatic pause.
STUDENT 2
You can do it, girl. Just run. Run! Don’t let anyone get in your way. Speak to no one! Do you hear me?
MC
I’ll never make it! I’ll go in the 11th street side!
STUDENT 2
No time! We lost our keycards at that Bright Eyes show, remember?
MC
Shh! Do you want people to know that we listen to Bright Eyes?
STUDENT 2
Forget it! Just go!
MC
I’ll never make it!
STUDENT 2
You must! Come on, we’ll do it together!
They dash in, try to run past everyone, but are hindered by billowing clouds of cigarette smoke and people calling them over.
STUDENT 2
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD, BABY
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD
YOU WON’T CHOKE ON THE SMOKE
NO, NO, I’LL BREEZE YOU THROUGH IT
WE’LL STRIDE PROUD THROUGH THE CLOUD
COME ON! WE CAN DO IT
I’LL BE YOUR LUNGS’ OWN LIFEGUARD
I’LL GET YOU THROUGH THE COURTYARD!
MC
I CAN’T GO THROUGH THE COURTYARD, BABY
I CRUMBLE IN THE COURTYARD
I CAN’T BEAR NOT TO SHARE
IN THAT JUICY CONVERSATION
STUDENT 2
WE MUST RUSH!
MC
I CAN’T HUSH!
STUDENT 2
NO MORE HESITATION
I KNOW OLD HABITS DIE HARD
BUT MAKE AN EFFORT IN THE COURTYARD
COME ON AND FOLLOW ME
IGNORE THE TAI CHI
KID DOING FALUN GONG
It’s Falun Gong!
STUDENT 2
WE’LL JUST JITTERBUG RIGHT PAST THE BUTT-PLUGS
ONE TWO AND THREE
I GUARANTEE
THAT
WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE COURTYARD BABY
WE’RE ALMOST THROUGH THE COURTYARD
MC
ARE YOU SURE?
STUDENT 2
THERE’S THE DOOR!
ALL THE BLOCKS HAVE BEEN EVADED
MC
NOT THERE YET!
STUDENT 2
DON’T YOU FRET!
YOUR PAPER WILL BE GRADED
COME ON LET’S GO! NO HOLDS BARRED!
MC
WE MADE IT THROUGH!
STUDENT 2
WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
MC and STUDENT 2
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE COURTYARD!
MC and STUDENT 2 burst through the doors and stand breathlessly before the Lang elevator.
MC
Made it! But just barely! Oh, what the hell is wrong with this elevator? Can it be any slower?
STUDENT 2
Forget the elevator! For one, it’s like talking about the weather. For two, less than a minute left! Listen to me. No Lang kid in the history of the school has ever pulled an athletic stunt as you are about to. Hell, no Lang kid has ever pulled an athletic stunt, ever. But today, right here, right now, you will run. You will sprint. You will race up those stairs and you will go down the hall to the dean’s office and you will put that paper in your teacher’s mailbox! I believe in you, MC. Now run. Run like you’ve never run before!
MC
But I’ve just breathed in all that smoke…
STUDENT 2
Run, damn you!!!
She runs. Led by STUDENT 2, the kids in the courtyard sing the very simple WILL-SHE-MAKE-IT song. Suddenly, someone points to the bridge. MC waves down from above. She gives the thumbs-up sign.
STUDENT 2
She made it!
Everyone sings the YES SHE MADE IT song, which is almost identical to the previous song, while MC returns to the courtyard. MC and STUDENT 2 have a celebratory dance. MC spies someone from her class and rushes over.
MC
Hey! Did you get your paper turned in for Pedagogies of Comparative Urban Feminism and Its Discontents?
CLASSMATE
Yeah, about half an hour ago.
MC
Oh my god, I was so stressed out about that damn thing.
CLASSMATE
Oh sweetie, were you freaking out?
I KNOW YOUR STORY, I KNOW YOUR PLIGHT
YOU’VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT PAPER ALL NIGHT
NOW YOU’VE TURNED IT IN AND YOU THINK THAT YOU’VE GOT IT MADE
YOU’RE SO TIRED AND YOUR NERVES ARE BENT
THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THE TIME YOU’VE SPENT
BUT THE PAPER’S ONLY TEN PERCENT OF THE FINAL GRADE
DON’T GET ANGRY, DON’T MAKE A FUSS
IT’S WRITTEN RIGHT THERE IN THE SYLLABUS
YOU’RE GOOD TO GO
IF YOU JUST SHOW
YOUR ABILITY TO DISCUSS
I’M TALKIN’ BOUT
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CONCENTRATION
PUT DISCUSSION IN YOUR REPETOIRE
DON’T FORGET IT’S A SEMINAR
MC
I KNOW I OUGHTA TRY AND SPEAK
BUT THE SITUATION’S KIND OF BLEAK
SO MANY STUDENTS, I CAN’T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE
AND I DON’T WANT TO SEEM MISANTHROPIC
BUT WHY CAN’T PEOPLE FUCKING STAY ON TOPIC?
IT’S JUST CRAZY!
EVERYONE
WE CAN SYMPATHIZE!
STUDENT 5
THERE’S THAT GIRL WHO ALWAYS STARTS A FIGHT
STUDENT 6
AND THAT GUY WHO CALLS MY POEMS TRITE
MC
I SIMPLY CAN’T
HEAR ONE MORE RANT
FROM SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS THINKS THEY’RE RIGHT
EVERYONE
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
CAN’T GET THROUGH THE VERBAL MASTURBATION
EITHER THE MAIN POINT’S GETTING BLURRED
OR I CAN’T EVEN MAKE MYSELF HEARD
CLASSMATE
COME ON, YOU’LL THINK OF SOMETHING
MC
MY THOUGHT? SOMEBODY’S SAID IT.
CLASSMATE
JUMP INTO THE DISCUSSION!
MC
NO, NO, I REALLY DREAD IT
CLASSMATE
YOU GOTTA MAKE A COMMENT
IF YOU WANT TO GET CREDIT
MC
I MUST MAKE A CONFESSION.
THE BOOK? I HAVEN’T READ IT.
EVERYONE
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION
JUST A PART OF A LANG EDUCATION
IF YOU STAY QUIET YOU’LL QUICKLY LEARN
THIS IS NO PLACE FOR THE TACITURN
CLASS CLASS
CLASS PARTICIPATION!
MC
So, all that work, all that rushing, all for nothing?
STUDENT 2
Don’t be lame. Certainly you’ve learned something from all of this.
MC
Not to procrastinate?
STUDENT 2
No, I doubt you’ve learned that.
MC
True. Um…to read my syllabus closely?
STUDENT 2
Nope.
MC
That my fellow students can carry a tune better than I thought?
STUDENT 2
No, silly. The paper. What did you learn about from writing the paper?
MC
You mean…I learned about The Political Gender Metaphysics of Foucault as Examined Through Marxist Cultural Narratives?
STUDENT 2
Exactly!
MC
Why…you’re right! Boy, that’s really going to come in handy someday!
MY KNOWLEDGE KEEPS ON GROWING
EVEN WHEN CLASS IS ADJOURNED
MC AND STUDENT 2
AND WE’LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
MC, STUDENT 2, AND CLASSMATE
FOR EVERYTHING THAT WE’VE LEARNED
EVERYONE
YES WE LOVE IT WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS
EUGENE LANG COLLEGE THE NEW SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
LIBERAL ARTS!
END OF PLAY
thank you for reading!