muse play-second draft
here is the second draft of Bemused.
comments and suggestions, no matter how nit-picky, are welcomed, and very much needed. but i do realize that it's freaking long for internet reading.
questions:
i changed the beginning a lot, and cleaned up some of the writing in the rest of it, and hopefully made things clearer. did i take out anything that you think i shouldn't have? did i add something that is just plain stupid?
are the motivations and the story coming across clearly?
what are the places that could use a bit more work? the places that are working well?
anyway. here it is. thanks for reading! :)
Bemused
(Seven of the nine MUSES are sitting behind a long table. There is a sign on the table that says “APPLICATIONS HERE.” The MUSES are holding clipboards. They are: EUTERPE, the Muse of Music, THALIA, of Comedy, MELPOMENE, of Tragedy, TERPSICHORE, of Dance, ERATO, of Love Poetry, and CALLIOPE, of Epic Poetry. POLYHYMNIA, of Sacred Song, is in the center, with her sisters on either side of her.)
POLYHYMNIA
Look lively, girls, this is bound to be a very busy day for us.
TERPSICHORE
Think we’ll have a good turnout?
POLYHYMNIA
Of course. Who wouldn’t jump at a chance like this?
TERPSICHORE
We didn’t get to advertise as much as I'd have liked...
EUTERPE
For a good reason...
TERPSICHORE
I know.
ERATO
This just seems so incredibly mean. Do you know how hard it was not to come clean?
POLYHYMNIA
It isn’t mean, Erato. It’s something that has to be done.
MUSES
Something that has to be done.
POLYHYMNIA
Let us not dwell on the unpleasant. Chins up, sisters, I want welcoming smiles on everyone’s faces. We want people to want to work with us, not be intimidated by us. Let me get a good look at all of you...Melpomene, stop looking so morose. Thalia, wipe that smug look off your face, if you please. Where are your nametags, girls?
TERPSICHORE
Oh, I forgot to give them out. Silly silly me. Ah, here we go...Look, I customized them.
POLYHYMNIA
Terpsichore, really. We’re trying to emit a professional image, not kindergarten field trip.
TERPSICHORE
(ignoring her) Euterpe...look, I put little musical notes on yours, since you’re the Muse of Music...Thalia gets the happy mask, for Comedy, and Melpomene gets the sad mask, for Tragedy! You guys have to sit next to each other.
(THALIA and MELPOMENE switch seats with their sisters and sit next to each other.)
Love Poetry gets hearts of course. Here you go, Erato. Er…I wasn’t sure about Epic Poetry so I just drew a hero. Don’t get offended, Calliope.
CALLIOPE
Ah, no, it’s fine...
TERPSICHORE
Polyhymnia gets music notes with halos-I thought that was cute. Sacred Song? Get it?
POLYHYMNIA
We all get it. Are you quite finished, Terpsichore?
TERPSICHORE
And footprints for me! The Muse of Dance. Yes, now I’m finished, Poly.
POLYHYMNIA
We hardly look like the cutting edge of the business world now.
ERATO
Terpsy, ignore Poly’s poor attitude. She’s just on edge and doesn’t mean to be rude. I personally enjoy this cute little quirk and we all appreciate your very hard work.
TERPSICHORE
Thank you. I knew I could expect a little love and appreciation from you.
ERATO
True, true. It’s what I do.
CALLIOPE
I just want to say thank you to Terpsichore for taking on the responsibility of bringing the name tags in the first place. At the very first planning meeting of this application process upon which we are now embarking, I can recall the reluctance to which all of us Muses had to taking on tasks such as-
(All the MUSES hold up hands to silence her.)
THALIA
I’m sure we get it, Epic Poetry.
POLYHYMNIA
Yes, that will be quite all, Calliope.
CALLIOPE
I just wanted to say that-
THALIA
Oops, no time. Here comes our first applicant.
(Enter YOUNG WOMAN. She is in her mid-twenties and is very excited and a bit over-eager.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Is this where I pick up the Muse application?
(The MUSES all dryly point to the sign. The YOUNG WOMAN laughs nervously.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh yeah, sorry. I’m pretty excited. I get excited when I get nervous. I’m just very excited to finally get to meet all of you. The prospect of working along side you in your work is just so...exciting!
(The MUSES stare at her, then simultaneously scribble a note on their clipboards.)
Oh, especially you, Erato. I was a lit major in college, a concentration in Shakespearian sonnets. Oh, I’m just a huge fan of your work.
ERATO
(flattered) Oh! Well. Do tell. I’m always glad to meet a fan. And a student of Shakespeare’s! Ah, what a man.
(All the MUSES but POLYHYMNIA sigh lovingly in remembrance.)
POLYHYMNIA
Perhaps we can save that for the interview. Now, you can fill this out here or you can fax it to us by Friday. The number’s on the bottom of the application...right there. Do you have any questions about the application or the position?
YOUNG WOMAN
What happens after I return the app?
POLYHYMNIA
We’ll call you by Monday if your qualifications are up to par. Then we’ll have interviews and auditions.
YOUNG WOMAN
Auditions? What will I have to do?
POLYHYMNIA
Inspire us, of course. Show us you’ve got what it takes to be a Muse.
YOUNG WOMAN
I have what it takes, I'm sure of it.
POLYHYMNIA
If so, you’ll be hearing from us on Monday. (shakes the WOMAN’s hand) Good luck to you.
(Exit YOUNG WOMAN.)
MELPOMENE
I didn’t like her face.
EUTERPE
I didn’t like her voice.
TERPSICHORE
I didn’t like her posture.
THALIA
She had cute shoes though.
(The MUSES ponder this.)
TERPSICHORE
Perhaps she’d do well as the Muse of Fashion?
EUTERPE
Pfft. Did you see her shirt?
(The MUSES ponder this as well.)
POLYHYMNIA
Ladies, ladies, we can’t go making quick judgments, especially considering that she was only our first candidate.
ERATO
Well, she gets approved by me-
THALIA
Only cuz she used flattery.
CALLIOPE
Well, I would like to say that the ability to flatter is indeed on of the myriad qualities we, having a responsibility to the position, should perhaps be on the lookout for. For the talent of flattery shows a surprising depth and thoughtfulness concerning the applicant’s person-to-person skills. And as we all know-
TERPSICHORE
Oh good-I mean, look, here comes another one.
(Enter MAN, mid thirties.)
MAN
I’d like an application to be a Muse, please.
(The MUSES look him up and down.)
POLYHYMNIA
I’m sorry, the Muse positions are open to females only. You do know this is a live-in position.
MAN
But I know I have the qualifications! Look, if you just give me the chance--
POLYHYMNIA
I’m sorry, but it’s out of the question. No men.
MAN
But why? I’ve got several degrees, experience in the field, very impressive recommendations. Just look at this resumé. You can’t just turn me away. This is discrimination.
MELPOMENE
Our father won’t stand for it.
THALIA
He knows how men are.
TERPSICHORE
He’s not the kind of guy you’d want to piss off.
ERATO
He’d get completely out of joint. We’re greatly sorry to disappoint.
POLYHYMNIA
(leading the MAN away) I’m terribly sorry, sir. But Muses have rules to live by too.
MAN
Can I at least just fill out an application? So you can see my qualifications?
(POLYHYMNIA just shakes her head gently but firmly. The MAN, dejected, exits.)
ERATO
He seemed so nice. I have to say I'm sad to see him sent away.
MELPOMENE
You’re always sorry to see anyone sent away. Until someone new comes along.
ERATO
Unfair, you’re unfair! I always care.
(The MUSES all start good-naturedly teasing ERATO. They are suddenly and harshly interrupted by the stormy arrival of CLIO, the Muse of History. Following behind her, more weary than anything, is URANIA, Muse of Astronomy. CLIO marches right up to the table and jabs a finger into POLYHYMNIA’s face. URANIA takes a stance of support for CLIO, but her face shows that the whole thing disgusts rather than angers her.)
CLIO
What the fuck is all this?
(The other MUSES have “the secret’s out” looks on their faces, except for POLYHYMNIA, calm and defiant despite CLIO’s finger in her face.)
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, Clio. That is no talk for a Muse.
CLIO
No? Well if you get your way, I'll soon be able to talk however the hell I want. No talk for a Muse? Is betraying your sisters any kind of behavior for a Muse?
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, this is nothing personal.
CLIO
Nothing personal? Nothing personal. Oh. Good to know. Then why did you all consider it prudent to hide this from me?
EUTERPE
We didn’t hide it from you.
THALIA
We just didn’t tell you about it. Or let you see the advertisements. Or discuss it with you at all.
POLYHYMNIA
Quiet, Thalia. This is no time to be funny.
THALIA
Who was being funny?
CLIO
You think it’s okay to just try and replace two of your sisters? Just who do you think you are? How dare you. How dare you! If you had any kind of decency--
POLYHYMNIA
This isn’t about decency, Clio. This is about business.
URANIA
(more to herself than to anyone else) I can’t believe this.
CLIO
Business? Business?
POLYHYMNIA
Business. You know as well as I that art is more than mere self-expression. It’s not all fun and games, Clio. Artists have to eat. The art world must compete with the business world-must embrace the business world if it is to survive.
CLIO
I’m not an idiot. Of course I know that. What I don’t know is-
POLYHYMNIA
Times have changed, Clio. They’ve been changing ever since we were born. It’s really unthinkable to realize that we haven’t changed along with the times. We need an overhaul. An update. And quite frankly, you two are the most outdated of all. The fields of History and Astronomy just don’t need Muses anymore.
CLIO
We’re being downsized?!
POLYHYMNIA
Not downsized, per se. Brought up to speed with a changing world. Cutting edge. Art has changed and so we must change as well. And if that means taking the Muses of History and Astronomy out of our lineup, then unfortunately, we must place our feelings to the side and let progress take place.
CLIO
Progress! How dare you preach to the Muse of History about progress! Where do you think that spirit of change came from, Polyhymnia? Certainly not from the gods.
POLYHYMNIA
(quickly cutting her off) No one is denying the importance of your former work. It does not change the fact that you are little-needed now.
(CLIO is silent for a beat, pondering this.)
CLIO
I can’t believe you all are letting her get away with this. Polyhymnia, you heartless bitch. And the rest of you are just going along with her. I really thought better of all of you.
POLYHYMNIA
Excuse me?
CLIO
Nice. Nice. Pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. This has been your fucking plan for a long time, hasn’t it, Sacred Song? I’m amazed none of us noticed it before. And none of you sheep are noticing it now.
POLYHYMNIA
First of all, I strongly wish you would amend your language, Clio. Secondly, this was a decision made by all of us-
URANIA
Not all of us.
POLYHYMNIA
--so if you wish to assign blame, you’ll have to assign it to all seven of us, not just one.
CLIO
It was your idea, Polyhymnia. Of that I am very sure. I should have seen it coming-I gave you far too much credit than you deserved. I actually thought you’d have more love and loyalty, more sense of family, or at least, more common courtesy than this. But no, you’ve been planning this for years, haven’t you? I should have seen it in the way you’ve been treating Urania and me. Making snide remarks about our work-
POLYHYMNIA
Absolute heresy.
CLIO
-cutting us off when we try to speak-
POLYHYMNIA
Your imagination has gone wild.
CLIO
-not passing dishes at the dinner table when we ask for them-
POLYHYMNIA
Frivolous accusations, all.
CLIO
-and now you’ve finally managed to con all of our sisters into going along with your selfish, underhanded plan. Are you all that blind? Can’t you see what she’s doing?
EUTERPE
With all due respect, Clio, we’re not as dumb and blind and stupid as you are making us seem. While I admit, the plan to update your positions was Polyhymnia’s idea-
CLIO
I fucking knew it.
EUTERPE
No, I mean, it’s not like she tricked us all into it or anything. She made some very good and valid points. The world is changing. This isn’t just about booting out the Muses of History and Astronomy. All of us are going to make individual improvements, too. Like me, for instance. I mean, the music world is in a total disarray. Totally uninspired, if you ask me. Obviously something needs to be done differently. I have to bring the inspiration back to my field. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of adjusting how I work. We all have to make changes. Stepping aside to let in fresh faces is the change you and Urania have to make, Clio.
CLIO
(turning onto EUTERPE) Oh my. I didn’t realize the Muse of Music had any right to say anything about the need for freshness, considering that there is almost nothing fresh to be found in the entire history of music.
EUTERPE
Hey now wait a minute. Just what are you trying-
CLIO
Ska comes from reggae which comes from African drum traditions. Swing comes from jazz comes from blues. Recycle all you want and call it creativity, but don’t dare call it inspiration and then, point to me as unimportant.
EUTERPE
(deeply, deeply insulted) That is the most ridiculous, twisted, out-of-control pile of-
CLIO
Look me in the eye and tell me it’s not true.
TERPSICHORE
Hey now, hey now, Clio. Don’t be mean. Like Poly said, this is nothing personal.
CLIO
(attacking TERPSICHORE next) As though you have any room to speak to me yourself, Muse of Dance. Can you sit there and tell me my work is fruitless, while your own has completely lost the boundary between artistic expression and pure sexual hootchification?
TERPSICHORE
Hoo…is that even a word?
CLIO
Hootchification: Noun. The act of hootchifying. The turning of something beautiful into something base and overly sexual. Like a hootchie. As in the ass-shake, the boob-jiggle, or the other hip-popping contortions most commonly found in your so-called art.
TERPSICHORE
You...you catty, you evil...!
THALIA
(aside) Where does she get this stuff? Ah, you can’t make this up.
CLIO
And speaking of losing the art to the sexual, perhaps we might examine how Erato, Muse of Love Poetry, thinks herself holier than I? When “love” has been noticeably absent from the field lately, and with it, the inspiration. When what isn’t completely obscured by thong-clad ghetto booties and odes to titties, is glazed over with sap so thick the meaning is completely smothered.
ERATO
(bursting into tears) Why do you say such hurtful things? Don’t you know the pain it brings?
(CLIO turns viciously on each of the remaining MUSES in turn.)
CLIO
Thalia? Muse of Comedy? Thanks so much for the sitcom. No, really. I didn’t need those brain cells anyway. Melpomene, Muse of Tragedy, I’m so shocked those Lifetime movies haven’t won more awards. Calliope? Epic Poetry? Oh yes, that’s all the world needs is more long-winded whiskey-soaked assholes running their mouths at unsuspecting passerby on some long, boring story that nobody wants to hear.
And let me not leave out the reason all of us are here in the first place, the Muse of Sacred Song, our beloved Polyhymnia. Poems to the gods. The gods. In case you haven’t noticed, O precious sisters, nobody sings to the gods anymore. History has all but erased their faces. And you, Polyhymnia, cannot deal with that. You’ve never been able to deal with that. But truth remains, Poly. History has made you obsolete. The explorations of the heavens has proven them to be empty. Deleting Urania and I won’t change any of that. You can try and get rid of us, but it doesn’t make you any less pointless.
(POLYHYMNIA stands abruptly and slaps CLIO across the face.)
POLYHYMNIA
Apologize to your sisters and myself.
(CLIO promptly slaps her back.)
CLIO
Apologize to Urania and me first. This is a filthy trick to cover up your own deficiencies.
THALIA
What do you say, Mel? Is this turning out to be a situation worthy of you, or of me?
MELPOMENE
I think it’s sad.
THALIA
Really? I think it’s hilarious. How often do we get to see our sisters smacking the hell out of each other?
MELPOMENE
Oh, be quiet, Thalia. Clio, I know you didn’t really mean all those hurtful things you’ve just said-
CLIO
Didn’t I?
MELPOMENE
-but surely you must know that we don’t mean to hurt you and Urania either. Nobody means to hurt anybody in these sorts of things.
CLIO
And yet you were all so willing to go along with Polyhymnia’s fucked-up plan.
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, I ask you a third time to stop using such tasteless language.
CLIO
Sorry to insult you.
POLYHYMNIA
You can’t truly believe that this is all some sort of evil plan. I instigated nothing.
THALIA
Yeah, it was simply her idea.
(She is given the evil eye. THALIA takes it as her cue to be quiet.)
POLYHYMNIA
This has really gone too far, Clio. Yes. It was my idea to replace you two. But it was not my idea for the world to have changed the way it has.
CLIO
You certainly don’t seem to be concerned that the gods aren’t being sung to anymore. That you’re just as obsolete as Urania and I, if not more. At least history and astronomy are accepted as real.
(The seven MUSES gasp.)
THALIA
Oooh, Dad’s gonna get you for that one.
URANIA
(snorts) None of our relatives have even bothered taking sides in wars for the past five thousand years, much less taking note of whether or not they’re still considered real. When was the last time dear daddy Zeus cared about what’s going on outside of Olympus? Believe me, we’ve got much bigger issues to worry about.
POLYHYMNIA
Exactly. Much, much bigger issues. Like the decline of worldly art.
CLIO
My. How fucking noble.
POLYHYMNIA
I’ll ask you only once more to watch your language. We do not have ears for such words.
URANIA
Poly, all she’s saying is that this was a really low way to go about things.
POLYHYMNIA
And of course, I apologize on behalf of all seven of us.
CLIO
How very gracious! Fucking apologies for kicking me out of my job and my family!
POLYHYMNIA
That is enough of your language, Clio!
(pause.)
CLIO
Fine. I won’t soil your precious, up-to-date ears any further.
(She turns on her heel and stalks out. URANIA gives her sisters a long, hard look before turning and following CLIO off.)
THALIA
Oh good. Alienating our sisters is such a great way to spend an afternoon. Betrayal: it’s the new power lunch!
MELPOMENE
This isn’t funny. This is tragic.
THALIA
Oh don’t be greedy, Mel.
ERATO
I don’t care what either of you say. This is indeed a dark, dark day. Is it better to stay together but be benign or spice up our work--but break up the nine? I hope that I shall never know the betrayal given to our Clio.
EUTERPE
Excuse me, you three, but have you forgotten that Clio just completely told us all off? Even if she does feel betrayed or whatever, I see no reason for her to be as rude and as mean as she was.
MELPOMENE
You’re missing the point. How would you feel if-
EUTERPE
I think you’re missing the point. She didn’t say the things about you that she said about me.
MELPOMENE
She said cruel things to all of us. What I’m saying is you would have done the same thing if you were in her-
EUTERPE
I don’t think I would have been so mean.
CALLIOPE
Sisters, we should not be divided like this, lest we fall. A decision of seven has been made, a decision that must be upheld by seven. This is a tale of those seven Muses against a rejected two. Rejected for their gifts. Rejected because their world turned on them. For what place is a Muse of History in a world focused on the future? What place has a Muse of Astronomy, when the heavens hold no more art to be uncovered? What place--
THALIA
Pipe down. We know all this already. Geesh, Clio might have been right about you. Who needs Epic Poetry anymore? Who needs epic anything? This is a (she snaps her fingers repeatedly) kinda society, honey.
CALLIOPE
Just what are you saying? We decided that I was just as important as you are. We decided! Why are you turning on me now?
THALIA
Calliope! Relax. Crimony. I was just saying.
CALLIOPE
Well, why were you saying? I’m not obsolete, we all decided that I was not obsolete!
POLYHYMNIA
History and astronomy are the two we have chosen. The decision has been made. This entire conversation is meaningless. Now look professional, ladies. I see another applicant approaching.
(They all look, but are taken aback when the applicant turns out to be CLIO charging towards them. She is brandishing a gun.)
CLIO
Everybody down!
(The MUSES are startled. not even POLYHYMNIA was expecting this. They all huddle together and crouch on the ground, frightened. CLIO grabs THALIA and holds the gun to her head.)
THALIA
Yipes! Why me? This is Poly’s fault, remember? Poly Poly Poly!
CLIO
Why hold Poly hostage when Comedy’s a much more important Muse than Sacred Song?g
THALIA
(flattered) Oh! Well, thank you, Clio. I’ve never wanted to come out and say so, myself, but I have always felt that Comedy’s vast, irreplaceable importance has always been overlooked by our sisters. Hear that, Melpomene? I’m important enough to be held hostage. Where’s your “Tragedy is the most revealing and intense of all arts” now? Huh? Huh? Nyah.
MELPOMENE
You never see the true importance of things, do you? And anyway, you were closer.
CLIO
Shut the hell up, both of you!
TERPSICHORE
Euterpe, go and soothe that savage beast!
EUTERPE
M-me?
TERPSICHORE
That’s your job, isn’t it? Muse of Music?
EUTERPE
(to POLYHYMNIA) What about you? Call down some divine help here, Sacred Song.
(the MUSES all turn to POLYHYMNIA)
MUSES (sans CLIO)
(adlibbing) Yes, Poly! Sing! Call on some god for help! That’s your job! The gods will help us if you ask them! Call the gods!
(POLYHYMNIA looks around at them, frightened. She looks away. CLIO laughs.)
CLIO
She can’t do it, she can’t do it, especially not with me standing here. You can’t do it, can you Poly?
POLYHYMNIA
Hold your tongue.
CLIO
All throughout history, people have been calling on the gods for help, singing praises all inspired by dear Polyhymnia here. But history proved all those pretty pretty songs wrong. Eh, Poly? The Greeks, the Romans sang songs of praise, hoping that their songs would please the gods enough so they’d help them when they needed help. Where are they now, Poly? All your inspiration has yielded nothing. History has proven that. Why else would she come up with the idea to get rid of me?
(POLYHYMNIA has had time to regain her confidence.)
POLYHYMNIA
We’ve all had enough of your accusations.
(She steps towards CLIO.)
CLIO
No closer.
THALIA
You don’t want her to hurt the most important Muse!
(POLYHYMNIA snatches THALIA’s arm and throws her roughly aside. ERATO and MELPOMENE rush to her aid. CLIO, undaunted, points the gun squarely at POLYHYMNIA.)
POLYHYMNIA
The gods don’t like being talked about like that.
CLIO
Since when have they even noticed? When the gods are even mentioned nowadays, it’s seldom to be sung to. They’re talked about as relics of the past. Lost to history.
POLYHYMNIA
There are still people today who believe in gods enough to sing to them.
CLIO
Enough people to warrant you keeping your job while you kick me out of mine?
(enter URANIA. she has a sense of urgency about her, but still manages to keep her “I really would rather stay out of this” attitude.)
URANIA
Sisters, I feel it is only right to come and tell you. I think Clio’s going to do something drastic. (spots CLIO) Ah, I see she already has. Never mind then.
CLIO
Are you betraying me too, Urania?
URANIA
(just plain tired of the whole thing) I’m not betraying anybody. I refuse to take sides in this circus. Hold them hostage if you like. I’m interested to see how this turns out.
(she pulls up a chair and sits back to watch the action. her sisters stare at her openmouthed.)
TERPSICHORE
How can you just sit there like that? Clio is going to kill us all!
URANIA
Clio isn’t going to kill anybody. She’s got a violent streak, but Clio herself really does love you all. Besides, if you all paid any attention to me besides to get all watery-eyed about starlight and moonbeams, you’d know that as the Muse of Astronomy, I have a much more objective view of things than the rest of you. I know that there are bigger things out there to think about. In the long run, why should anyone care about one little gun pointed at seven little nothings on a tiny floating rock amongst billions of other tiny floating rocks? Ask whoever you want for help, but no one, really, is going to care. I think about these things objectively. Which is why I’m being replaced, eh?
(she nods to POLYHYMNIA, who goes silent with rage.)
CLIO
Yes, Urania, that sounds about right.
URANIA
Poly, we used to all get along so well. Compliment each other. What happened?
POLYHYMNIA
You two ruined my work!
(a pause as all the MUSES stare at her.)
I mean our work. You two became obsolete. Making it difficult for any of us to continue with our work, with you two...in the way.
URANIA
Oh Poly. Come on. Nobody else has had any complaint about Clio’s History or my Astronomy.
CLIO
None of the other arts have suffered due to the effects of astronomy or history. Everyone else has thrived. The only one of us who has really, truly suffered in recent times is YOU.
(The MUSES ponder this. POLYHYMNIA sees this and hastens to bring them back to her side.)
POLYHYMNIA
I see your tune has changed. That’s not what you were saying earlier, when you found it prudent to tell us all off.
(The MUSES ponder this as well.)
CLIO
Yeah, but that was personal. This is business.
POLYHYMNIA
Twisting another’s words and using them as your own. Very creative.
CLIO
Changing the subject to take everyone’s mind off what’s really going on here?
TERPSICHORE
Oh, I don’t know who to believe anymore…
POLYHYMNIA
(fierce) For the final time, there is nothing underhanded happening. How dare you continually insult my work and our relatives. There is nothing obsolete about Sacred Song. (She falters for a moment, not quite believing herself, but recovers and stands up very straight and tall and comes CS, calling to the heavens, speaking lovingly and poetically:) Zeus our father, o king of gods, ruler of those who know no death, you who have made your wisdom known to both god and mortal alike. You who fears not history, for you are timeless. Who fears not the heavens, for you command them as your own. Father Zeus, hear the plea of your most faithful daughter, listen to the cries of your own sacred blood. Your greatness will inspire! Zeus, in all your glory, inspire my sisters now. You of the famous wrath, the famous pride, the famous mercy! I call upon your immense power now, I cry out for your holy qualities to redeem us and all of godliness. Redeem, redeem!
(A long silence. all the MUSES stare skyward.)
TERPSICHORE
Dad?
EUTERPE
Daddy?
(CLIO stops looking upwards and smirks at POLYHYMNIA.)
CLIO
Another historical event.
MELPOMENE
Where is he?
POLYHYMNIA
(beside herself, forgetting all her usual decor) Zeus! Sire of gods and mortals alike, he who has conquered even the Titans!
CLIO
All forgotten by history.
POLYHYMNIA
(to CLIO) You, you, silence, silence! (back up to heaven) Wielder of lightning, ruler of the sky--
(URANIA coughs, politely. POLYHYMNIA ignores her.)
Your rule is one of wisdom, of justice! Father Zeus, I plead, renew your daughter’s faith in your possession of these qualities! Damn it, Zeus, just do something.
MELPOMENE
(putting her arms around POLYHYMNIA) Sister, sister. You’re wearing yourself out.
POLYHYMNIA
Get your hands off of me. I need no pity. The gods work in ways unknown.
CLIO
Poly, you fucking moron! Nobody’s listening! Everybody knows he’s not listening but you!
(POLYHYMNIA, fighting valiantly against it, begins to weep.)
MELPOMENE
Very well, Clio. You’ve made your point. Our father has forsaken us, and our sister is falling apart in tears. Please. You can put the gun down now.
CLIO
Not until she says it. Not until she admits her deficiencies and apologizes to Urania and me.
POLYHYMNIA
(making an amazing recovery) No.
CLIO
What do you mean, no? It’s just been proven--
POLYHYMNIA
Nothing has been proven! You were expecting lightning bolts and thunderclaps? You were expecting a fiery appearance from Mount Olympus? Today’s gods don’t work like that, Clio. It doesn’t mean no one listened. It doesn’t mean nothing will happen. It merely means that nothing has happened yet.
CLIO
Oh, what faith. What noble, noble faith.
THALIA
Oh, just say it, Poly! She’s the gun-toting maniac here.
POLYHYMNIA
I have the gods on my side.
THALIA
Are you not paying attention? There’s a goddess right there, who is most definitely not on your side!
MELPOMENE
Even after that plea, from his own daughter, Zeus does nothing. And you are still defending him?
EUTERPE
I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
THALIA
Polyhymnia! She. Has. A. Gun. Are you trying to say that your dumb faith is stronger than lethal bits of metal flying at your head at a million miles an hour?!
POLYHYMNIA
He will not forsake us.
THALIA
Are you mad? We’ve already been quite forsook.
POLYHYMNIA
False. I will wait for as long as it takes.
CLIO
Good thing we have eternal youth, then.
POLYHYMNIA
I’m not listening to your slander any longer, Clio.
(There is silence as all the MUSES stare at POLYHYMNIA in utter amazement.)
EUTERPE
I totally can’t believe you’re saying that, Poly.
CLIO
Unbelievable, indeed.
EUTERPE
I just…haven’t seen such a strong display of faith in…ages, really. It’s…well, it’s pretty inspiring.
(CLIO and URANIA goggle at her.)
CLIO
Are you serious?
URANIA
(simultaneously) Excuse me?
ERATO
In all my years I seldom have known such loyalty and passion as you, Pol, have shown. All the lovers’ lamentations and declarations of truth and all the fiery determinations of fiery youth are what spawns inspiration. It’s the birthplace of art. Your dedication stirs me. It refreshes my heart. Polyhymnia, my sister, Sacred Song’s muse, I will stand behind you in whatever you choose.
CLIO
Are you listening to yourselves?
TERPSICHORE
Whoa Poly. I never knew you had this in you. It’s really awe-inspiring. This Sacred Song…really has a lot of strength lying within it.
MELPOMENE
Beneath everything there really is hope.
(All the MUSES except for THALIA, CLIO, and URANIA nod and show signs of how moved they are by POLYHYMNIA’s faith. They all rise and stand near her in a stance of unity and support. POLYHYMNIA tosses a haughty glance towards CLIO and URANIA.)
CLIO
What? She proves herself worthless and you all think that’s inspiration?! What kind of Muses are you?
POLYHYMNIA
Can “worthless” move six goddesses to take a stand?
URANIA
I can’t take this anymore. Clio, they’re completely devoid of reason. Every smug-faced one of them. We should be happy they’re kicking us out.
CLIO
That’s exactly what they want us to think.
URANIA
Fine. Fine. I leave you all to your ridiculous bickering. Stirred by her loyalty and passion? Attributes I find difficult to locate in someone who would betray her own sisters. But that’s hardly the point anymore, is it?
(URANIA turns and walks out, utterly disgusted.)
THALIA
Well, if you’re letting her go, you might as well let me go too…
CLIO
Don’t go near that door.
THALIA
Why does Urania get to leave? That’s so not fair!
CLIO
And it’s fair to secretly plot to oust two of your sisters?
THALIA
Huh. Touché.
POLYHYMNIA
It seems to me that you are the one who has been forsaken now, Clio. Urania has left on her own accord, and the rest of us are in full agreement. We continue on with our application process for your replacements. Now give up the gun and keep your dignity.
CLIO
Are you serious? The only thing that’s going to be given up is your ridiculous underhanded scheme.
POLYHYMNIA
Your blasphemous words have proven to be just that. Words. Meaning nothing more. Now drop your weapon.
CLIO
I will drop nothing.
POLYHYMNIA
Clio.
CLIO
Poly.
POLYHYMNIA
You can’t win this, Clio.
CLIO
Still so sure of yourself, are you?
POLYHYMNIA
Clio. Drop the gun.
CLIO
Why should I?
POLYHYMNIA
Because if you don’t, we’re going to have to take it from you.
THALIA
We who?
POLYHYMNIA
Are you going to let yourself be insulted and threatened, Thalia?
THALIA
No, but I don’t want to let myself get shot, either.
(CLIO fires a warning shot into the air.)
CLIO
Enough!
THALIA
(whimpering, hiding behind her sisters) Gaah! Get that thing away from her before she hurts somebody!
POLYHYMNIA
That is what I intend to do.
CLIO
Oh I don’t think so. Nobody move. Don’t even blink.
POLYHYMNIA
This is your last chance. Drop the gun.
CLIO
No!
(POLYHYMNIA suddenly charges CLIO. The other MUSES stand frightened for a moment, then jump in to help. A large struggle ensues. The gun goes off again. There is a lot of improvised shouting and screaming as the MUSES try unsuccessfully to get the gun from CLIO. Right as the struggle reaches its highest peak, URANIA comes staggering in. Her face looks shellshocked. She watches the fight in disbelief for a few loaded beats.)
URANIA
You’ve got to stop this.
(The fighting MUSES don’t notice her. URANIA speaks louder, in a shriek:)
YOU’VE GOT TO STOP THIS!
(The MUSES freeze, cartoon-like.)
CLIO
Urania, grab a chair or something and get these bitches off me!
URANIA
Clio, you’ve got to let them go. You’ve got to let them go!
POLYHYMNIA
Ah ha! Observe! Even your beloved Muse of Astronomy has turned-
URANIA
Just shut the hell up for once, Poly! This has nothing to do with you and your ridiculous grudges. You have no idea what’s going on out there.
TERPSICHORE
Out where?
URANIA
Do you ever, just once in a while, consider that there is an entire universe outside of yourselves? Out there! Past that door. Clio. Listen to me. You can’t hold the Muses hostage for very much longer.
CLIO
Urania, if I do that, they’re going to kick us out.
URANIA
They can’t do that. It would be unthinkable. Clio, ever since this madness started, the whole world has gone to hell. To hell! This is not your run-of-the-mill garden-variety hostage situation.
CLIO
Well what is it, then?
URANIA
Have you forgotten that we’re goddesses? Have you forgotten that the gods influence the world that created them? Erato is held hostage and Love Poetry is held hostage. That means that out there, lovers either don’t believe each other because they can’t find the words to express their love. They can’t find the words so they don’t even believe themselves. Whole families are falling apart. Do you know what else happens when you hold Love Poetry hostage? The greeting card industry goes belly-up in seconds! Do you have any idea what that entails? Worldwide financial chaos! The Hallmark store on Rockefeller is up in flames!
EUTERPE
By Jove, let Erato go, Clio! Let her go!
CLIO
She can go, she can go!
URANIA
It’s not just Erato. I haven’t even told the half of it. You hold the Muse of Dance, you hold rhythm. Toes can’t tap, fingers can’t snap. Pacemakers are on the fritz. Even walking has become impossible. Deny Epic Poetry and nobody has enough words or they have far too many. There’s more to art that you all think. Art is woven into life. Music, just take away something as simple as the art of music and people leap from windows. Wreck their cars from road rage. There’s nothing out there to keep people sane and calm. Everyone lost their sense of humor when you pointed a gun at the Muse of Comedy-I don’t even need to speak of the horrors that springs from that. And without Melpomene-no one can see just how tragic all of this is.
MELPOMENE
This is even worse than when Dance and Music got that terrible flu in the 1970s.
(The MUSES gasp.)
TERPSICHORE
Oh no. Please don’t tell us that…disco is back.
(URANIA nods gravely. The MUSES cry out in horror.)
CLIO
Oh, what have I done?
URANIA
I’ve left out what happens when you two stop affecting the world. Clio, Muse of History, people have forgotten who they are. And who are they if they don’t know where they came from? Museums are burning. Records are littering the street. And without Polyhymnia, everyone, everyone has lost their faith.
POLYHYMNIA
I…
CLIO
They’re doing what to my museums?
MELPOMENE
You never see the true importance of things.
EUTERPE
I had no idea. We’ve all been idiots!
MELPOMENE
I hope the two of you can find it in your hearts to forgive us.
THALIA
Wow. We so deserve to just get slapped right now.
CALLIOPE
The magnitude of our mistake has indeed come cascading down in a thunderous cacophony about our very ears. In our heart of hearts, regret and sorrow are the reigning sovereigns. For we have done the unthinkable, and betrayed not only our sisters, those who know the same womb as we, those whose veins course with the blood of Zeus and Mnemosyne just as our own do, yea, turned our godly backs on not only them, but on the very world from whence we were created. In this betrayal-
(The MUSES all begin to cough or hold up their hands to CALLIOPE.)
TERPSICHORE
That is to say, we’re all really, really sorry.
CLIO
All?
(There is a beat as all the MUSES look over at POLYHYMNIA.)
POLYHYMNIA
Forgive me, sisters. All of you. I have led you all astray. Clio, Urania, you are always and forever a part of this family. Forgive me for ever calling you both…obsolete.
(CLIO eyeballs POLYHYMNIA for a moment, sees her sincerity, and lets the gun fall. Her sisters rush her in an apologetic embrace.)
EUTERPE
We’re so terribly sorry we betrayed you like that.
CLIO
And I’m sorry I, you know, held you all at gunpoint.
(They all clasp each other in a hug. Enter the MAN from earlier, only this time he is decked out in a wig, fake breasts, high heels, a silk blouse and a short ruffled skirt.)
MAN
(in a high-pitched voice) Hi there honey. Is this where I can pick up an application to be a Muse?
(The MUSES are stare at him, completely blank looks on their faces. A little freaked out, they all edge out the door. ERATO scribbles a number on a scrap of paper and slips it to him on her way out.)
ERATO
(in a stage whisper) Call me.
(The MAN is left standing, bewildered, paper in hand.)
END!
comments and suggestions, no matter how nit-picky, are welcomed, and very much needed. but i do realize that it's freaking long for internet reading.
questions:
i changed the beginning a lot, and cleaned up some of the writing in the rest of it, and hopefully made things clearer. did i take out anything that you think i shouldn't have? did i add something that is just plain stupid?
are the motivations and the story coming across clearly?
what are the places that could use a bit more work? the places that are working well?
anyway. here it is. thanks for reading! :)
Bemused
(Seven of the nine MUSES are sitting behind a long table. There is a sign on the table that says “APPLICATIONS HERE.” The MUSES are holding clipboards. They are: EUTERPE, the Muse of Music, THALIA, of Comedy, MELPOMENE, of Tragedy, TERPSICHORE, of Dance, ERATO, of Love Poetry, and CALLIOPE, of Epic Poetry. POLYHYMNIA, of Sacred Song, is in the center, with her sisters on either side of her.)
POLYHYMNIA
Look lively, girls, this is bound to be a very busy day for us.
TERPSICHORE
Think we’ll have a good turnout?
POLYHYMNIA
Of course. Who wouldn’t jump at a chance like this?
TERPSICHORE
We didn’t get to advertise as much as I'd have liked...
EUTERPE
For a good reason...
TERPSICHORE
I know.
ERATO
This just seems so incredibly mean. Do you know how hard it was not to come clean?
POLYHYMNIA
It isn’t mean, Erato. It’s something that has to be done.
MUSES
Something that has to be done.
POLYHYMNIA
Let us not dwell on the unpleasant. Chins up, sisters, I want welcoming smiles on everyone’s faces. We want people to want to work with us, not be intimidated by us. Let me get a good look at all of you...Melpomene, stop looking so morose. Thalia, wipe that smug look off your face, if you please. Where are your nametags, girls?
TERPSICHORE
Oh, I forgot to give them out. Silly silly me. Ah, here we go...Look, I customized them.
POLYHYMNIA
Terpsichore, really. We’re trying to emit a professional image, not kindergarten field trip.
TERPSICHORE
(ignoring her) Euterpe...look, I put little musical notes on yours, since you’re the Muse of Music...Thalia gets the happy mask, for Comedy, and Melpomene gets the sad mask, for Tragedy! You guys have to sit next to each other.
(THALIA and MELPOMENE switch seats with their sisters and sit next to each other.)
Love Poetry gets hearts of course. Here you go, Erato. Er…I wasn’t sure about Epic Poetry so I just drew a hero. Don’t get offended, Calliope.
CALLIOPE
Ah, no, it’s fine...
TERPSICHORE
Polyhymnia gets music notes with halos-I thought that was cute. Sacred Song? Get it?
POLYHYMNIA
We all get it. Are you quite finished, Terpsichore?
TERPSICHORE
And footprints for me! The Muse of Dance. Yes, now I’m finished, Poly.
POLYHYMNIA
We hardly look like the cutting edge of the business world now.
ERATO
Terpsy, ignore Poly’s poor attitude. She’s just on edge and doesn’t mean to be rude. I personally enjoy this cute little quirk and we all appreciate your very hard work.
TERPSICHORE
Thank you. I knew I could expect a little love and appreciation from you.
ERATO
True, true. It’s what I do.
CALLIOPE
I just want to say thank you to Terpsichore for taking on the responsibility of bringing the name tags in the first place. At the very first planning meeting of this application process upon which we are now embarking, I can recall the reluctance to which all of us Muses had to taking on tasks such as-
(All the MUSES hold up hands to silence her.)
THALIA
I’m sure we get it, Epic Poetry.
POLYHYMNIA
Yes, that will be quite all, Calliope.
CALLIOPE
I just wanted to say that-
THALIA
Oops, no time. Here comes our first applicant.
(Enter YOUNG WOMAN. She is in her mid-twenties and is very excited and a bit over-eager.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Is this where I pick up the Muse application?
(The MUSES all dryly point to the sign. The YOUNG WOMAN laughs nervously.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh yeah, sorry. I’m pretty excited. I get excited when I get nervous. I’m just very excited to finally get to meet all of you. The prospect of working along side you in your work is just so...exciting!
(The MUSES stare at her, then simultaneously scribble a note on their clipboards.)
Oh, especially you, Erato. I was a lit major in college, a concentration in Shakespearian sonnets. Oh, I’m just a huge fan of your work.
ERATO
(flattered) Oh! Well. Do tell. I’m always glad to meet a fan. And a student of Shakespeare’s! Ah, what a man.
(All the MUSES but POLYHYMNIA sigh lovingly in remembrance.)
POLYHYMNIA
Perhaps we can save that for the interview. Now, you can fill this out here or you can fax it to us by Friday. The number’s on the bottom of the application...right there. Do you have any questions about the application or the position?
YOUNG WOMAN
What happens after I return the app?
POLYHYMNIA
We’ll call you by Monday if your qualifications are up to par. Then we’ll have interviews and auditions.
YOUNG WOMAN
Auditions? What will I have to do?
POLYHYMNIA
Inspire us, of course. Show us you’ve got what it takes to be a Muse.
YOUNG WOMAN
I have what it takes, I'm sure of it.
POLYHYMNIA
If so, you’ll be hearing from us on Monday. (shakes the WOMAN’s hand) Good luck to you.
(Exit YOUNG WOMAN.)
MELPOMENE
I didn’t like her face.
EUTERPE
I didn’t like her voice.
TERPSICHORE
I didn’t like her posture.
THALIA
She had cute shoes though.
(The MUSES ponder this.)
TERPSICHORE
Perhaps she’d do well as the Muse of Fashion?
EUTERPE
Pfft. Did you see her shirt?
(The MUSES ponder this as well.)
POLYHYMNIA
Ladies, ladies, we can’t go making quick judgments, especially considering that she was only our first candidate.
ERATO
Well, she gets approved by me-
THALIA
Only cuz she used flattery.
CALLIOPE
Well, I would like to say that the ability to flatter is indeed on of the myriad qualities we, having a responsibility to the position, should perhaps be on the lookout for. For the talent of flattery shows a surprising depth and thoughtfulness concerning the applicant’s person-to-person skills. And as we all know-
TERPSICHORE
Oh good-I mean, look, here comes another one.
(Enter MAN, mid thirties.)
MAN
I’d like an application to be a Muse, please.
(The MUSES look him up and down.)
POLYHYMNIA
I’m sorry, the Muse positions are open to females only. You do know this is a live-in position.
MAN
But I know I have the qualifications! Look, if you just give me the chance--
POLYHYMNIA
I’m sorry, but it’s out of the question. No men.
MAN
But why? I’ve got several degrees, experience in the field, very impressive recommendations. Just look at this resumé. You can’t just turn me away. This is discrimination.
MELPOMENE
Our father won’t stand for it.
THALIA
He knows how men are.
TERPSICHORE
He’s not the kind of guy you’d want to piss off.
ERATO
He’d get completely out of joint. We’re greatly sorry to disappoint.
POLYHYMNIA
(leading the MAN away) I’m terribly sorry, sir. But Muses have rules to live by too.
MAN
Can I at least just fill out an application? So you can see my qualifications?
(POLYHYMNIA just shakes her head gently but firmly. The MAN, dejected, exits.)
ERATO
He seemed so nice. I have to say I'm sad to see him sent away.
MELPOMENE
You’re always sorry to see anyone sent away. Until someone new comes along.
ERATO
Unfair, you’re unfair! I always care.
(The MUSES all start good-naturedly teasing ERATO. They are suddenly and harshly interrupted by the stormy arrival of CLIO, the Muse of History. Following behind her, more weary than anything, is URANIA, Muse of Astronomy. CLIO marches right up to the table and jabs a finger into POLYHYMNIA’s face. URANIA takes a stance of support for CLIO, but her face shows that the whole thing disgusts rather than angers her.)
CLIO
What the fuck is all this?
(The other MUSES have “the secret’s out” looks on their faces, except for POLYHYMNIA, calm and defiant despite CLIO’s finger in her face.)
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, Clio. That is no talk for a Muse.
CLIO
No? Well if you get your way, I'll soon be able to talk however the hell I want. No talk for a Muse? Is betraying your sisters any kind of behavior for a Muse?
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, this is nothing personal.
CLIO
Nothing personal? Nothing personal. Oh. Good to know. Then why did you all consider it prudent to hide this from me?
EUTERPE
We didn’t hide it from you.
THALIA
We just didn’t tell you about it. Or let you see the advertisements. Or discuss it with you at all.
POLYHYMNIA
Quiet, Thalia. This is no time to be funny.
THALIA
Who was being funny?
CLIO
You think it’s okay to just try and replace two of your sisters? Just who do you think you are? How dare you. How dare you! If you had any kind of decency--
POLYHYMNIA
This isn’t about decency, Clio. This is about business.
URANIA
(more to herself than to anyone else) I can’t believe this.
CLIO
Business? Business?
POLYHYMNIA
Business. You know as well as I that art is more than mere self-expression. It’s not all fun and games, Clio. Artists have to eat. The art world must compete with the business world-must embrace the business world if it is to survive.
CLIO
I’m not an idiot. Of course I know that. What I don’t know is-
POLYHYMNIA
Times have changed, Clio. They’ve been changing ever since we were born. It’s really unthinkable to realize that we haven’t changed along with the times. We need an overhaul. An update. And quite frankly, you two are the most outdated of all. The fields of History and Astronomy just don’t need Muses anymore.
CLIO
We’re being downsized?!
POLYHYMNIA
Not downsized, per se. Brought up to speed with a changing world. Cutting edge. Art has changed and so we must change as well. And if that means taking the Muses of History and Astronomy out of our lineup, then unfortunately, we must place our feelings to the side and let progress take place.
CLIO
Progress! How dare you preach to the Muse of History about progress! Where do you think that spirit of change came from, Polyhymnia? Certainly not from the gods.
POLYHYMNIA
(quickly cutting her off) No one is denying the importance of your former work. It does not change the fact that you are little-needed now.
(CLIO is silent for a beat, pondering this.)
CLIO
I can’t believe you all are letting her get away with this. Polyhymnia, you heartless bitch. And the rest of you are just going along with her. I really thought better of all of you.
POLYHYMNIA
Excuse me?
CLIO
Nice. Nice. Pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. This has been your fucking plan for a long time, hasn’t it, Sacred Song? I’m amazed none of us noticed it before. And none of you sheep are noticing it now.
POLYHYMNIA
First of all, I strongly wish you would amend your language, Clio. Secondly, this was a decision made by all of us-
URANIA
Not all of us.
POLYHYMNIA
--so if you wish to assign blame, you’ll have to assign it to all seven of us, not just one.
CLIO
It was your idea, Polyhymnia. Of that I am very sure. I should have seen it coming-I gave you far too much credit than you deserved. I actually thought you’d have more love and loyalty, more sense of family, or at least, more common courtesy than this. But no, you’ve been planning this for years, haven’t you? I should have seen it in the way you’ve been treating Urania and me. Making snide remarks about our work-
POLYHYMNIA
Absolute heresy.
CLIO
-cutting us off when we try to speak-
POLYHYMNIA
Your imagination has gone wild.
CLIO
-not passing dishes at the dinner table when we ask for them-
POLYHYMNIA
Frivolous accusations, all.
CLIO
-and now you’ve finally managed to con all of our sisters into going along with your selfish, underhanded plan. Are you all that blind? Can’t you see what she’s doing?
EUTERPE
With all due respect, Clio, we’re not as dumb and blind and stupid as you are making us seem. While I admit, the plan to update your positions was Polyhymnia’s idea-
CLIO
I fucking knew it.
EUTERPE
No, I mean, it’s not like she tricked us all into it or anything. She made some very good and valid points. The world is changing. This isn’t just about booting out the Muses of History and Astronomy. All of us are going to make individual improvements, too. Like me, for instance. I mean, the music world is in a total disarray. Totally uninspired, if you ask me. Obviously something needs to be done differently. I have to bring the inspiration back to my field. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of adjusting how I work. We all have to make changes. Stepping aside to let in fresh faces is the change you and Urania have to make, Clio.
CLIO
(turning onto EUTERPE) Oh my. I didn’t realize the Muse of Music had any right to say anything about the need for freshness, considering that there is almost nothing fresh to be found in the entire history of music.
EUTERPE
Hey now wait a minute. Just what are you trying-
CLIO
Ska comes from reggae which comes from African drum traditions. Swing comes from jazz comes from blues. Recycle all you want and call it creativity, but don’t dare call it inspiration and then, point to me as unimportant.
EUTERPE
(deeply, deeply insulted) That is the most ridiculous, twisted, out-of-control pile of-
CLIO
Look me in the eye and tell me it’s not true.
TERPSICHORE
Hey now, hey now, Clio. Don’t be mean. Like Poly said, this is nothing personal.
CLIO
(attacking TERPSICHORE next) As though you have any room to speak to me yourself, Muse of Dance. Can you sit there and tell me my work is fruitless, while your own has completely lost the boundary between artistic expression and pure sexual hootchification?
TERPSICHORE
Hoo…is that even a word?
CLIO
Hootchification: Noun. The act of hootchifying. The turning of something beautiful into something base and overly sexual. Like a hootchie. As in the ass-shake, the boob-jiggle, or the other hip-popping contortions most commonly found in your so-called art.
TERPSICHORE
You...you catty, you evil...!
THALIA
(aside) Where does she get this stuff? Ah, you can’t make this up.
CLIO
And speaking of losing the art to the sexual, perhaps we might examine how Erato, Muse of Love Poetry, thinks herself holier than I? When “love” has been noticeably absent from the field lately, and with it, the inspiration. When what isn’t completely obscured by thong-clad ghetto booties and odes to titties, is glazed over with sap so thick the meaning is completely smothered.
ERATO
(bursting into tears) Why do you say such hurtful things? Don’t you know the pain it brings?
(CLIO turns viciously on each of the remaining MUSES in turn.)
CLIO
Thalia? Muse of Comedy? Thanks so much for the sitcom. No, really. I didn’t need those brain cells anyway. Melpomene, Muse of Tragedy, I’m so shocked those Lifetime movies haven’t won more awards. Calliope? Epic Poetry? Oh yes, that’s all the world needs is more long-winded whiskey-soaked assholes running their mouths at unsuspecting passerby on some long, boring story that nobody wants to hear.
And let me not leave out the reason all of us are here in the first place, the Muse of Sacred Song, our beloved Polyhymnia. Poems to the gods. The gods. In case you haven’t noticed, O precious sisters, nobody sings to the gods anymore. History has all but erased their faces. And you, Polyhymnia, cannot deal with that. You’ve never been able to deal with that. But truth remains, Poly. History has made you obsolete. The explorations of the heavens has proven them to be empty. Deleting Urania and I won’t change any of that. You can try and get rid of us, but it doesn’t make you any less pointless.
(POLYHYMNIA stands abruptly and slaps CLIO across the face.)
POLYHYMNIA
Apologize to your sisters and myself.
(CLIO promptly slaps her back.)
CLIO
Apologize to Urania and me first. This is a filthy trick to cover up your own deficiencies.
THALIA
What do you say, Mel? Is this turning out to be a situation worthy of you, or of me?
MELPOMENE
I think it’s sad.
THALIA
Really? I think it’s hilarious. How often do we get to see our sisters smacking the hell out of each other?
MELPOMENE
Oh, be quiet, Thalia. Clio, I know you didn’t really mean all those hurtful things you’ve just said-
CLIO
Didn’t I?
MELPOMENE
-but surely you must know that we don’t mean to hurt you and Urania either. Nobody means to hurt anybody in these sorts of things.
CLIO
And yet you were all so willing to go along with Polyhymnia’s fucked-up plan.
POLYHYMNIA
Clio, I ask you a third time to stop using such tasteless language.
CLIO
Sorry to insult you.
POLYHYMNIA
You can’t truly believe that this is all some sort of evil plan. I instigated nothing.
THALIA
Yeah, it was simply her idea.
(She is given the evil eye. THALIA takes it as her cue to be quiet.)
POLYHYMNIA
This has really gone too far, Clio. Yes. It was my idea to replace you two. But it was not my idea for the world to have changed the way it has.
CLIO
You certainly don’t seem to be concerned that the gods aren’t being sung to anymore. That you’re just as obsolete as Urania and I, if not more. At least history and astronomy are accepted as real.
(The seven MUSES gasp.)
THALIA
Oooh, Dad’s gonna get you for that one.
URANIA
(snorts) None of our relatives have even bothered taking sides in wars for the past five thousand years, much less taking note of whether or not they’re still considered real. When was the last time dear daddy Zeus cared about what’s going on outside of Olympus? Believe me, we’ve got much bigger issues to worry about.
POLYHYMNIA
Exactly. Much, much bigger issues. Like the decline of worldly art.
CLIO
My. How fucking noble.
POLYHYMNIA
I’ll ask you only once more to watch your language. We do not have ears for such words.
URANIA
Poly, all she’s saying is that this was a really low way to go about things.
POLYHYMNIA
And of course, I apologize on behalf of all seven of us.
CLIO
How very gracious! Fucking apologies for kicking me out of my job and my family!
POLYHYMNIA
That is enough of your language, Clio!
(pause.)
CLIO
Fine. I won’t soil your precious, up-to-date ears any further.
(She turns on her heel and stalks out. URANIA gives her sisters a long, hard look before turning and following CLIO off.)
THALIA
Oh good. Alienating our sisters is such a great way to spend an afternoon. Betrayal: it’s the new power lunch!
MELPOMENE
This isn’t funny. This is tragic.
THALIA
Oh don’t be greedy, Mel.
ERATO
I don’t care what either of you say. This is indeed a dark, dark day. Is it better to stay together but be benign or spice up our work--but break up the nine? I hope that I shall never know the betrayal given to our Clio.
EUTERPE
Excuse me, you three, but have you forgotten that Clio just completely told us all off? Even if she does feel betrayed or whatever, I see no reason for her to be as rude and as mean as she was.
MELPOMENE
You’re missing the point. How would you feel if-
EUTERPE
I think you’re missing the point. She didn’t say the things about you that she said about me.
MELPOMENE
She said cruel things to all of us. What I’m saying is you would have done the same thing if you were in her-
EUTERPE
I don’t think I would have been so mean.
CALLIOPE
Sisters, we should not be divided like this, lest we fall. A decision of seven has been made, a decision that must be upheld by seven. This is a tale of those seven Muses against a rejected two. Rejected for their gifts. Rejected because their world turned on them. For what place is a Muse of History in a world focused on the future? What place has a Muse of Astronomy, when the heavens hold no more art to be uncovered? What place--
THALIA
Pipe down. We know all this already. Geesh, Clio might have been right about you. Who needs Epic Poetry anymore? Who needs epic anything? This is a (she snaps her fingers repeatedly) kinda society, honey.
CALLIOPE
Just what are you saying? We decided that I was just as important as you are. We decided! Why are you turning on me now?
THALIA
Calliope! Relax. Crimony. I was just saying.
CALLIOPE
Well, why were you saying? I’m not obsolete, we all decided that I was not obsolete!
POLYHYMNIA
History and astronomy are the two we have chosen. The decision has been made. This entire conversation is meaningless. Now look professional, ladies. I see another applicant approaching.
(They all look, but are taken aback when the applicant turns out to be CLIO charging towards them. She is brandishing a gun.)
CLIO
Everybody down!
(The MUSES are startled. not even POLYHYMNIA was expecting this. They all huddle together and crouch on the ground, frightened. CLIO grabs THALIA and holds the gun to her head.)
THALIA
Yipes! Why me? This is Poly’s fault, remember? Poly Poly Poly!
CLIO
Why hold Poly hostage when Comedy’s a much more important Muse than Sacred Song?g
THALIA
(flattered) Oh! Well, thank you, Clio. I’ve never wanted to come out and say so, myself, but I have always felt that Comedy’s vast, irreplaceable importance has always been overlooked by our sisters. Hear that, Melpomene? I’m important enough to be held hostage. Where’s your “Tragedy is the most revealing and intense of all arts” now? Huh? Huh? Nyah.
MELPOMENE
You never see the true importance of things, do you? And anyway, you were closer.
CLIO
Shut the hell up, both of you!
TERPSICHORE
Euterpe, go and soothe that savage beast!
EUTERPE
M-me?
TERPSICHORE
That’s your job, isn’t it? Muse of Music?
EUTERPE
(to POLYHYMNIA) What about you? Call down some divine help here, Sacred Song.
(the MUSES all turn to POLYHYMNIA)
MUSES (sans CLIO)
(adlibbing) Yes, Poly! Sing! Call on some god for help! That’s your job! The gods will help us if you ask them! Call the gods!
(POLYHYMNIA looks around at them, frightened. She looks away. CLIO laughs.)
CLIO
She can’t do it, she can’t do it, especially not with me standing here. You can’t do it, can you Poly?
POLYHYMNIA
Hold your tongue.
CLIO
All throughout history, people have been calling on the gods for help, singing praises all inspired by dear Polyhymnia here. But history proved all those pretty pretty songs wrong. Eh, Poly? The Greeks, the Romans sang songs of praise, hoping that their songs would please the gods enough so they’d help them when they needed help. Where are they now, Poly? All your inspiration has yielded nothing. History has proven that. Why else would she come up with the idea to get rid of me?
(POLYHYMNIA has had time to regain her confidence.)
POLYHYMNIA
We’ve all had enough of your accusations.
(She steps towards CLIO.)
CLIO
No closer.
THALIA
You don’t want her to hurt the most important Muse!
(POLYHYMNIA snatches THALIA’s arm and throws her roughly aside. ERATO and MELPOMENE rush to her aid. CLIO, undaunted, points the gun squarely at POLYHYMNIA.)
POLYHYMNIA
The gods don’t like being talked about like that.
CLIO
Since when have they even noticed? When the gods are even mentioned nowadays, it’s seldom to be sung to. They’re talked about as relics of the past. Lost to history.
POLYHYMNIA
There are still people today who believe in gods enough to sing to them.
CLIO
Enough people to warrant you keeping your job while you kick me out of mine?
(enter URANIA. she has a sense of urgency about her, but still manages to keep her “I really would rather stay out of this” attitude.)
URANIA
Sisters, I feel it is only right to come and tell you. I think Clio’s going to do something drastic. (spots CLIO) Ah, I see she already has. Never mind then.
CLIO
Are you betraying me too, Urania?
URANIA
(just plain tired of the whole thing) I’m not betraying anybody. I refuse to take sides in this circus. Hold them hostage if you like. I’m interested to see how this turns out.
(she pulls up a chair and sits back to watch the action. her sisters stare at her openmouthed.)
TERPSICHORE
How can you just sit there like that? Clio is going to kill us all!
URANIA
Clio isn’t going to kill anybody. She’s got a violent streak, but Clio herself really does love you all. Besides, if you all paid any attention to me besides to get all watery-eyed about starlight and moonbeams, you’d know that as the Muse of Astronomy, I have a much more objective view of things than the rest of you. I know that there are bigger things out there to think about. In the long run, why should anyone care about one little gun pointed at seven little nothings on a tiny floating rock amongst billions of other tiny floating rocks? Ask whoever you want for help, but no one, really, is going to care. I think about these things objectively. Which is why I’m being replaced, eh?
(she nods to POLYHYMNIA, who goes silent with rage.)
CLIO
Yes, Urania, that sounds about right.
URANIA
Poly, we used to all get along so well. Compliment each other. What happened?
POLYHYMNIA
You two ruined my work!
(a pause as all the MUSES stare at her.)
I mean our work. You two became obsolete. Making it difficult for any of us to continue with our work, with you two...in the way.
URANIA
Oh Poly. Come on. Nobody else has had any complaint about Clio’s History or my Astronomy.
CLIO
None of the other arts have suffered due to the effects of astronomy or history. Everyone else has thrived. The only one of us who has really, truly suffered in recent times is YOU.
(The MUSES ponder this. POLYHYMNIA sees this and hastens to bring them back to her side.)
POLYHYMNIA
I see your tune has changed. That’s not what you were saying earlier, when you found it prudent to tell us all off.
(The MUSES ponder this as well.)
CLIO
Yeah, but that was personal. This is business.
POLYHYMNIA
Twisting another’s words and using them as your own. Very creative.
CLIO
Changing the subject to take everyone’s mind off what’s really going on here?
TERPSICHORE
Oh, I don’t know who to believe anymore…
POLYHYMNIA
(fierce) For the final time, there is nothing underhanded happening. How dare you continually insult my work and our relatives. There is nothing obsolete about Sacred Song. (She falters for a moment, not quite believing herself, but recovers and stands up very straight and tall and comes CS, calling to the heavens, speaking lovingly and poetically:) Zeus our father, o king of gods, ruler of those who know no death, you who have made your wisdom known to both god and mortal alike. You who fears not history, for you are timeless. Who fears not the heavens, for you command them as your own. Father Zeus, hear the plea of your most faithful daughter, listen to the cries of your own sacred blood. Your greatness will inspire! Zeus, in all your glory, inspire my sisters now. You of the famous wrath, the famous pride, the famous mercy! I call upon your immense power now, I cry out for your holy qualities to redeem us and all of godliness. Redeem, redeem!
(A long silence. all the MUSES stare skyward.)
TERPSICHORE
Dad?
EUTERPE
Daddy?
(CLIO stops looking upwards and smirks at POLYHYMNIA.)
CLIO
Another historical event.
MELPOMENE
Where is he?
POLYHYMNIA
(beside herself, forgetting all her usual decor) Zeus! Sire of gods and mortals alike, he who has conquered even the Titans!
CLIO
All forgotten by history.
POLYHYMNIA
(to CLIO) You, you, silence, silence! (back up to heaven) Wielder of lightning, ruler of the sky--
(URANIA coughs, politely. POLYHYMNIA ignores her.)
Your rule is one of wisdom, of justice! Father Zeus, I plead, renew your daughter’s faith in your possession of these qualities! Damn it, Zeus, just do something.
MELPOMENE
(putting her arms around POLYHYMNIA) Sister, sister. You’re wearing yourself out.
POLYHYMNIA
Get your hands off of me. I need no pity. The gods work in ways unknown.
CLIO
Poly, you fucking moron! Nobody’s listening! Everybody knows he’s not listening but you!
(POLYHYMNIA, fighting valiantly against it, begins to weep.)
MELPOMENE
Very well, Clio. You’ve made your point. Our father has forsaken us, and our sister is falling apart in tears. Please. You can put the gun down now.
CLIO
Not until she says it. Not until she admits her deficiencies and apologizes to Urania and me.
POLYHYMNIA
(making an amazing recovery) No.
CLIO
What do you mean, no? It’s just been proven--
POLYHYMNIA
Nothing has been proven! You were expecting lightning bolts and thunderclaps? You were expecting a fiery appearance from Mount Olympus? Today’s gods don’t work like that, Clio. It doesn’t mean no one listened. It doesn’t mean nothing will happen. It merely means that nothing has happened yet.
CLIO
Oh, what faith. What noble, noble faith.
THALIA
Oh, just say it, Poly! She’s the gun-toting maniac here.
POLYHYMNIA
I have the gods on my side.
THALIA
Are you not paying attention? There’s a goddess right there, who is most definitely not on your side!
MELPOMENE
Even after that plea, from his own daughter, Zeus does nothing. And you are still defending him?
EUTERPE
I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
THALIA
Polyhymnia! She. Has. A. Gun. Are you trying to say that your dumb faith is stronger than lethal bits of metal flying at your head at a million miles an hour?!
POLYHYMNIA
He will not forsake us.
THALIA
Are you mad? We’ve already been quite forsook.
POLYHYMNIA
False. I will wait for as long as it takes.
CLIO
Good thing we have eternal youth, then.
POLYHYMNIA
I’m not listening to your slander any longer, Clio.
(There is silence as all the MUSES stare at POLYHYMNIA in utter amazement.)
EUTERPE
I totally can’t believe you’re saying that, Poly.
CLIO
Unbelievable, indeed.
EUTERPE
I just…haven’t seen such a strong display of faith in…ages, really. It’s…well, it’s pretty inspiring.
(CLIO and URANIA goggle at her.)
CLIO
Are you serious?
URANIA
(simultaneously) Excuse me?
ERATO
In all my years I seldom have known such loyalty and passion as you, Pol, have shown. All the lovers’ lamentations and declarations of truth and all the fiery determinations of fiery youth are what spawns inspiration. It’s the birthplace of art. Your dedication stirs me. It refreshes my heart. Polyhymnia, my sister, Sacred Song’s muse, I will stand behind you in whatever you choose.
CLIO
Are you listening to yourselves?
TERPSICHORE
Whoa Poly. I never knew you had this in you. It’s really awe-inspiring. This Sacred Song…really has a lot of strength lying within it.
MELPOMENE
Beneath everything there really is hope.
(All the MUSES except for THALIA, CLIO, and URANIA nod and show signs of how moved they are by POLYHYMNIA’s faith. They all rise and stand near her in a stance of unity and support. POLYHYMNIA tosses a haughty glance towards CLIO and URANIA.)
CLIO
What? She proves herself worthless and you all think that’s inspiration?! What kind of Muses are you?
POLYHYMNIA
Can “worthless” move six goddesses to take a stand?
URANIA
I can’t take this anymore. Clio, they’re completely devoid of reason. Every smug-faced one of them. We should be happy they’re kicking us out.
CLIO
That’s exactly what they want us to think.
URANIA
Fine. Fine. I leave you all to your ridiculous bickering. Stirred by her loyalty and passion? Attributes I find difficult to locate in someone who would betray her own sisters. But that’s hardly the point anymore, is it?
(URANIA turns and walks out, utterly disgusted.)
THALIA
Well, if you’re letting her go, you might as well let me go too…
CLIO
Don’t go near that door.
THALIA
Why does Urania get to leave? That’s so not fair!
CLIO
And it’s fair to secretly plot to oust two of your sisters?
THALIA
Huh. Touché.
POLYHYMNIA
It seems to me that you are the one who has been forsaken now, Clio. Urania has left on her own accord, and the rest of us are in full agreement. We continue on with our application process for your replacements. Now give up the gun and keep your dignity.
CLIO
Are you serious? The only thing that’s going to be given up is your ridiculous underhanded scheme.
POLYHYMNIA
Your blasphemous words have proven to be just that. Words. Meaning nothing more. Now drop your weapon.
CLIO
I will drop nothing.
POLYHYMNIA
Clio.
CLIO
Poly.
POLYHYMNIA
You can’t win this, Clio.
CLIO
Still so sure of yourself, are you?
POLYHYMNIA
Clio. Drop the gun.
CLIO
Why should I?
POLYHYMNIA
Because if you don’t, we’re going to have to take it from you.
THALIA
We who?
POLYHYMNIA
Are you going to let yourself be insulted and threatened, Thalia?
THALIA
No, but I don’t want to let myself get shot, either.
(CLIO fires a warning shot into the air.)
CLIO
Enough!
THALIA
(whimpering, hiding behind her sisters) Gaah! Get that thing away from her before she hurts somebody!
POLYHYMNIA
That is what I intend to do.
CLIO
Oh I don’t think so. Nobody move. Don’t even blink.
POLYHYMNIA
This is your last chance. Drop the gun.
CLIO
No!
(POLYHYMNIA suddenly charges CLIO. The other MUSES stand frightened for a moment, then jump in to help. A large struggle ensues. The gun goes off again. There is a lot of improvised shouting and screaming as the MUSES try unsuccessfully to get the gun from CLIO. Right as the struggle reaches its highest peak, URANIA comes staggering in. Her face looks shellshocked. She watches the fight in disbelief for a few loaded beats.)
URANIA
You’ve got to stop this.
(The fighting MUSES don’t notice her. URANIA speaks louder, in a shriek:)
YOU’VE GOT TO STOP THIS!
(The MUSES freeze, cartoon-like.)
CLIO
Urania, grab a chair or something and get these bitches off me!
URANIA
Clio, you’ve got to let them go. You’ve got to let them go!
POLYHYMNIA
Ah ha! Observe! Even your beloved Muse of Astronomy has turned-
URANIA
Just shut the hell up for once, Poly! This has nothing to do with you and your ridiculous grudges. You have no idea what’s going on out there.
TERPSICHORE
Out where?
URANIA
Do you ever, just once in a while, consider that there is an entire universe outside of yourselves? Out there! Past that door. Clio. Listen to me. You can’t hold the Muses hostage for very much longer.
CLIO
Urania, if I do that, they’re going to kick us out.
URANIA
They can’t do that. It would be unthinkable. Clio, ever since this madness started, the whole world has gone to hell. To hell! This is not your run-of-the-mill garden-variety hostage situation.
CLIO
Well what is it, then?
URANIA
Have you forgotten that we’re goddesses? Have you forgotten that the gods influence the world that created them? Erato is held hostage and Love Poetry is held hostage. That means that out there, lovers either don’t believe each other because they can’t find the words to express their love. They can’t find the words so they don’t even believe themselves. Whole families are falling apart. Do you know what else happens when you hold Love Poetry hostage? The greeting card industry goes belly-up in seconds! Do you have any idea what that entails? Worldwide financial chaos! The Hallmark store on Rockefeller is up in flames!
EUTERPE
By Jove, let Erato go, Clio! Let her go!
CLIO
She can go, she can go!
URANIA
It’s not just Erato. I haven’t even told the half of it. You hold the Muse of Dance, you hold rhythm. Toes can’t tap, fingers can’t snap. Pacemakers are on the fritz. Even walking has become impossible. Deny Epic Poetry and nobody has enough words or they have far too many. There’s more to art that you all think. Art is woven into life. Music, just take away something as simple as the art of music and people leap from windows. Wreck their cars from road rage. There’s nothing out there to keep people sane and calm. Everyone lost their sense of humor when you pointed a gun at the Muse of Comedy-I don’t even need to speak of the horrors that springs from that. And without Melpomene-no one can see just how tragic all of this is.
MELPOMENE
This is even worse than when Dance and Music got that terrible flu in the 1970s.
(The MUSES gasp.)
TERPSICHORE
Oh no. Please don’t tell us that…disco is back.
(URANIA nods gravely. The MUSES cry out in horror.)
CLIO
Oh, what have I done?
URANIA
I’ve left out what happens when you two stop affecting the world. Clio, Muse of History, people have forgotten who they are. And who are they if they don’t know where they came from? Museums are burning. Records are littering the street. And without Polyhymnia, everyone, everyone has lost their faith.
POLYHYMNIA
I…
CLIO
They’re doing what to my museums?
MELPOMENE
You never see the true importance of things.
EUTERPE
I had no idea. We’ve all been idiots!
MELPOMENE
I hope the two of you can find it in your hearts to forgive us.
THALIA
Wow. We so deserve to just get slapped right now.
CALLIOPE
The magnitude of our mistake has indeed come cascading down in a thunderous cacophony about our very ears. In our heart of hearts, regret and sorrow are the reigning sovereigns. For we have done the unthinkable, and betrayed not only our sisters, those who know the same womb as we, those whose veins course with the blood of Zeus and Mnemosyne just as our own do, yea, turned our godly backs on not only them, but on the very world from whence we were created. In this betrayal-
(The MUSES all begin to cough or hold up their hands to CALLIOPE.)
TERPSICHORE
That is to say, we’re all really, really sorry.
CLIO
All?
(There is a beat as all the MUSES look over at POLYHYMNIA.)
POLYHYMNIA
Forgive me, sisters. All of you. I have led you all astray. Clio, Urania, you are always and forever a part of this family. Forgive me for ever calling you both…obsolete.
(CLIO eyeballs POLYHYMNIA for a moment, sees her sincerity, and lets the gun fall. Her sisters rush her in an apologetic embrace.)
EUTERPE
We’re so terribly sorry we betrayed you like that.
CLIO
And I’m sorry I, you know, held you all at gunpoint.
(They all clasp each other in a hug. Enter the MAN from earlier, only this time he is decked out in a wig, fake breasts, high heels, a silk blouse and a short ruffled skirt.)
MAN
(in a high-pitched voice) Hi there honey. Is this where I can pick up an application to be a Muse?
(The MUSES are stare at him, completely blank looks on their faces. A little freaked out, they all edge out the door. ERATO scribbles a number on a scrap of paper and slips it to him on her way out.)
ERATO
(in a stage whisper) Call me.
(The MAN is left standing, bewildered, paper in hand.)
END!